Dating a new guy but i'm confused

[Batya33]

Yes that is true, I mean we have fun right now and are compatible. But I think I need to give it more time and see if I do actually like him. I am starting to get the feeling he is a bit arrogant and I don't like that quality in men. But we'll see. I think women are having children later and later in life now. I am not going to waste years on this guy, but I do feel I can invest a few more months and see if we are on the same page. For now, the answer he gave me seems satisfying to me. I need to let things just happen naturally.

 

The only reason women are having children later and later is because there are IVF/other intervention methods but women's eggs still age in the same way with the increased risks of birth defects, etc. And no you really can't freeze your eggs in your 40s as far as I know from the current science. Donor eggs are also a possibility -again very time consuming/expensive/side effects, etc.

[jackiedavis]

I know, this is weighing very heavily on my mind. I don't know what I should do at this point. He says we're on the same page and understands my situation, but it's still early to talk about all this. My fear is that he just wants someone to have fun with. I'm sooo confused again...

[Wiseman2]

Agree with this. What he stated was "he's done with his family"...anything after the but, if, maybe,etc. is to redirect the conversation. He's in his 40's with 3 kids to support and put through college and an ex. etc. He's not going to want to start all over.

Here is the translation for what he said, "I want to continue seeing you". That's all it means. He's not dumb. He knows that if he said he didn't want any more kids, that you would move on. Bringing it up any more, will only make things worse since he already understands the situation. He gets it.

[jackiedavis]

He has two kids, not three. So do I need to clarify with him and make sure he is on the same page as me?

[Hermes]

"So do I need to clarify with him and make sure he is on the same page as me?"

 

Would be a good idea IMO, Jackie.

 

You remarked:

 

"But if he found the right person he would not mind having more. "

 

Are you the right person? And "would not mind" is rather vague IMO.

[Wiseman2]

He was clear. "I'm done with my family". Why keep pressuring to attempt to get a different answer? Don't you think pressing for babies before you know if you even like him or have even been intimate is a bit scary?

 

The truth is, he could say he wants 10 more kids but that doesn't mean with you, if the dating and chemistry and compatibility don't work out.

He has two kids, not three. So do I need to clarify with him and make sure he is on the same page as me?

[SoulTaker]

I know, this is weighing very heavily on my mind. I don't know what I should do at this point. He says we're on the same page and understands my situation, but it's still early to talk about all this. My fear is that he just wants someone to have fun with. I'm sooo confused again...

 

There is nothing confusing about this. You are in a "catch-22" situation. In order to find out if any man will go the distance with you, it will take time (and not just his words). But, time is not on your side if you want to have a child.

 

You will have to determine how much time to allow in order to determine if this is the right man for you, along with using your instincts to know if he wants to be with you, or is just using you.

[jackiedavis]

What if I was 38, would that make a difference time wise??

[Hermes]

38???

 

What do you mean?

 

Why would 2 years make any difference?

[jackiedavis]

I guess cause it's younger than 40 and still have time for kids I suppose. I am going to find out tonight what exactly he is looking for and tell him I have a timeline...

[Wiseman2]

You may as well kiss this goodbye, sorry. He's not going to jump to and run and get you a ring and start trying for kids he doesn't even want because you want to talk about "timelines" to him after a few dates.

 

My guess is you don't want to have sex/get hurt because you are on recent rebound so you are trying to sabotage things. And you are hoping the timeline talk will make him run before you have sex and risk getting hurt.

and tell him I have a timeline...

[jackiedavis]

Nooo, I don't want to sabotage things with him. I really want it to work with him, I like him A LOT. But I just need to make sure we are on the same page, maybe I can wait to ask him. I really really want this to work with him. But I am also not wearing my heart on my sleeve either. I will not put myself in a position to get hurt again, so yes I am holding back a little for now. But I am starting to invest in him too. I hope he is investing in me too. That's the thing, I don't know if he is for the right reasons.

[JaggerJim]

Did you meet on line?

 

If so, he may have met someone else.

 

You know, I am sure men on this forum will disagree with this, but on the other forum, there were men who said they won't even consider a relationship with a woman *until* sex happens.

 

Men view sex and relationships different from the way we do.

 

For many men (not all) it's sex first, relationship second.

 

For women it's relationship first, sex second.

 

Many women will scream that's BS. But what are they gonna do?

 

Grind in their heels OR try to understand men better and attempt to see things from their perspective.

 

With your guy, he waited. He understood your hesitancy and did not pressure.

 

But like I said, if it goes on too long, it just gets old... and he will start to lose interest.

 

Just the way it is for some men (again not all).

 

If I were you, I would invite him for dinner tonight and have hot sex!

 

It's time.

 

Wow! We go from 0 to 1000 in a flash! Katrina your a crack-up.

[Hermes]

Jackie:

 

"I hope he is investing in me too. That's the thing, I don't know if he is for the right reasons."

 

A lot of guessing going on J.

 

You'll never know till you ask him straight out.

[katrina1980]

Wow! We go from 0 to 1000 in a flash! Katrina your a crack-up.

 

I am glad you find me so amusing! LOL

 

My brain tends to spin.... so yeah I will own what you said.

 

I also tend to flip flop as more info gets disclosed.

[Wiseman2]

Right reasons? You two hardly know each other. There should be zero "investing" going on and more getting to know you going on. Dating to get to know each other is the "right reasons" for now.

 

That happens by spending time together not cornering him for a sperm donation and diamond ring after a few dates.

 

Unfortunately he can't not guarantee you a Disney fantasy relationship at this point he doesn't even know you.

I am starting to invest in him too. I hope he is investing in me too. That's the thing, I don't know if he is for the right reasons.

[Ms Darcy]

Unfortunately he can't not guarantee you a Disney fantasy relationship at this point he doesn't even know you.

 

I agree. It's very early for investing.

 

Again, the whole fertility planning thing can and should happen SEPARATE AND APART from him.

[notalady]

Agree with this. What he stated was "he's done with his family"...anything after the but, if, maybe,etc. is to redirect the conversation.

 

Exactly this. I would not pay attention to the "but" "if" and "maybe"s.

 

I'll tell you what, if a guy I just started dating says "I'm not into marriage but might get married with the right person" or "I'm not sure about having kids but I might with the right person", I won't be gambling my time to wait and see. And I'm only 31.

 

Because they are not into the idea to start with. It will take more than "the right person", it will take them changing their minds about the whole concept. They can easily turn around a few years later and go, I love what we have now, why can't we just stay as is? Why do we need to get married or have kids?

 

"Meeting the right person" is a throw away line, everyone is looking to marry or have kids only if they met the right person, that's a given.

 

The difference to me, with someone who actually wants marriage and children is that they won't be wasting their (and your) time if at any point they think things are not going well or that you are not ultimately who they see themselves with for the purpose of marriage/children. And assuming they understand some basic biology of women, they will also be more conscious about the fact that if they like you and see this going somewhere, and they want to have children, they know there's a timeline involved (and possibly IVF and other procedures), and they are willing to accept that timeline (or have a similar time line) since they're looking for the same thing. I also imagine if a guy is in his 40s and genuinely wants children, he'd want to get on with it sooner rather than later (provided he met the right person of course). A lot of guys don't want to be an "old dad".

 

Whereas someone not looking to have more children couldn't care less about your age or biological clock because they don't want it to start with, they may have a much longer time line to decide if someone is "the right person", because no decision needs to be made that is time critical. And if it comes to the point where you can't have children naturally, chances are good that they are willing to just give up and say oh well no point going through all that trouble with IVF etc. These are things you (and even they) won't actually know until it happens, by then you would've wasted a year or two at least.

[Hermes]

Yes! Notalady.

 

""Meeting the right person" is a throw away line"

[jackiedavis]

Okay, let's take it back a little. He never said no to kids. When I originally asked him the question, he said he wants more kids, but no more than 4. He said if his partner wants kids then yes he will have more. Last week, I asked him I don't know where he stands and he said he wants to get to know me, and if it goes the way we want then we are definitely going to do this. He said he wouldn't mind having a little girl, he has 2 sons right now. I feel he is making all the time for me. If he's not with his kids, he's with me or he's in surgery. He said he wants to make sure we make the right decisions together. I don't think he is opposed to having more children. The only thing i'm worried about is our timelines, not the fact that he won't have kids. I'm not waiting for a sperm donation from him, he may not even be the right person for me. BUT so far from dating him for 5 weeks, he seems like an amazing man. My ex and I started fighting after 3 weeks into the relationship, this guy and I have had no issues so far. I do want kids, but with the right person. I need to just go with it right and see if HE is the right person for me....

[jackiedavis]

And I am willing to spend a few more months to see if HE is the right person for me. He also said he understands my situation, being 40 and all and wanting kids. Soooo if it was not an option for him, i don't think he would be spending as much money, time or feelings on me. Just my honest opinion...

[jackiedavis]

He never said he didn't want to get married, in fact he said finding his life partner is very important to him. He said he does not need a mother for his kids, but he needs someone for himself. So for now, I believe him and am willing to see for a few more months where this goes, if anywhere....I have not met a man quite like him in a LONG time, in fact he made me realize how wrong my ex and I really were for each other...

[surfdiva]

Okay, let's take it back a little. He never said no to kids. When I originally asked him the question, he said he wants more kids, but no more than 4. He said if his partner wants kids then yes he will have more. Last week, I asked him I don't know where he stands and he said he wants to get to know me, and if it goes the way we want then we are definitely going to do this. He said he wouldn't mind having a little girl, he has 2 sons right now. I feel he is making all the time for me. If he's not with his kids, he's with me or he's in surgery. He said he wants to make sure we make the right decisions together. I don't think he is opposed to having more children. The only thing i'm worried about is our timelines, not the fact that he won't have kids. I'm not waiting for a sperm donation from him, he may not even be the right person for me. BUT so far from dating him for 5 weeks, he seems like an amazing man. My ex and I started fighting after 3 weeks into the relationship, this guy and I have had no issues so far. I do want kids, but with the right person. I need to just go with it right and see if HE is the right person for me....

 

Well, I'll chime in and say the same thing I said yesterday. I think you're WAY overthinking this. It's been 5 weeks...a great 5 weeks from the sound of it. Why so much pressure? Just enjoy what you have going with him and try to stop over analyzing things. If it works out, great...if not then it doesn't work out but the only way to find out is with time.

 

He sounds great, just enjoy!

[jackiedavis]

thank you surfdiva! I'll let everyone know how things go! I'm excited to see him tonight!

[katrina1980]

Well, I'll chime in and say the same thing I said yesterday. I think you're WAY overthinking this. It's been 5 weeks...a great 5 weeks from the sound of it. Why so much pressure? Just enjoy what you have going with him and try to stop over analyzing things. If it works out, great...if not then it doesn't work out but the only way to find out is with time.

 

He sounds great, just enjoy!

 

Agree with this^ and am going to say the same thing I told another poster in a different thread.

 

jackied, if you continue to overthink this... instead of chilling out, having fun and enjoying the 'dance' (i.e. process).... you are going to overthink yourself (and probably HIM) right out of something that could potentially be awesome.

 

Relax!

 

You are putting WAY too much pressure on yourself about the baby issue. Hopefully you are NOT discussing your anxieties about this with him -- too soon for all that.

 

Right now focus on getting to know him, having him get to know you, spending time together, having fun and enjoying each other!

 

That's my two pence anyway!