Dating a new guy but i'm confused

[jackiedavis]

I mean I agree it's too soon to think about marriage, but we have talked about it. I'm not expecting him to go out and buy a ring tomorrow, but that is where I want this to ultimately go. I guess I just got excited because he gave me a key to his house, I'm meeting more of his friends next week, meeting the kids. But yeah maybe I do need to calm down just a bit. I have calm down quite a bit with the texting, in face he is the one that is always texting me now and letting me know why I haven't heard from him and sending sweet good morning texts and calling me babe etc. I do see this for what it is, but it seems to be going well so far..

[jackiedavis]

And yes, I am pretending at this point that I never said I love you...ugh what was I thinking..

[katrina1980]

They have been divorced for a year now. Yes he has dated other women before and I think one woman actually did meet his children.

 

Which I'm not super happy about..

 

No course you're not happy about it, as it indicates he has a history of getting involved with women, introducing them to his kids, etc, and thus appearing like he is serious about them, but then dumping them.

 

Just like he could do with YOU too!

 

I don't mean to be a debbie downer here, I just think you need to calm down a bit and look at the situation realistically.

 

You are a women he is DATING. Anything can happen.

 

Hope for the best but please, if you're smart, you will also prepare yourself for the worst too.

[Ms Darcy]

I am very serious about him, I told him I loved him last night. I can see myself settling down with him in the future. I think the next step is to meet his children.

 

Omg sweetheart. Too much. Too soon.

[katrina1980]

I mean I agree it's too soon to think about marriage, but we have talked about it. I'm not expecting him to go out and buy a ring tomorrow, but that is where I want this to ultimately go. I guess I just got excited because he gave me a key to his house, I'm meeting more of his friends next week, meeting the kids. But yeah maybe I do need to calm down just a bit. I have calm down quite a bit with the texting, in face he is the one that is always texting me now and letting me know why I haven't heard from him and sending sweet good morning texts and calling me babe etc. I do see this for what it is, but it seems to be going well so far..

 

Yes you've talked about it (marriage) but only because YOU brought it up (several times) and after the recent time you brought it up, he responded with a curt "I already know how you feel about it." [Squelch]

 

Yes he does seem to be escalating rather quickly now, but again it's only been seven weeks, so while on its face, all this sounds promising, remember men who rush IN, have a tendency to rush OUT just as fast. NOT suggesting HE will, just something to be aware of going forward.

 

Also and I said this before but it's possible he "may" be on a "high" as you just started having sex, so he's all gung ho.

 

No doubt you are special jackie and I am sure he thinks so too, but the reality is you have NO idea how many other women before you he found "special" also.

 

You know of one women he introduced to his kids, so no doubt he thought SHE was special too, at least for awhile, until he didn't think so anymore... and stopped dating her.

 

Just stay grounded and be aware jackie, it is still VERY early stages, literally anything can happen.

[Batya33]

Read again what you wrote about you fear that this could all end tomorrow and imagine a young child feeling that - imagine how you would feel knowing you made a choice to let young innocent children get attached to you at a time when you were kicking yourself even for saying "I love you". They don't need to meet every woman their dad dates - if it gets serious -if engagement is imminent (and a wedding date soon after) then they will meet you in the proper context -they're not going to try to get to know you in the same way if you're just someone their dad goes on dates with -just like they don't get to know an occasional babysitter well in that way - if you're genuinely serious - engagement is imminent - then you present it in that way. You're doing this for selfish reasons mostly -you want him to prove he's serious and that's why you're annoyed he introduced them to other women . You want more time with him on weekends when he has his kids.

 

Don't fool yourself that you care about their best interests -if you did you wouldn't be thinking of ways to bribe them with presents, etc - you'd be thinking about whether it's healthy for them to get attached to someone their dad has known a shorter time than most of his dress socks (or surgical scrubs).

[katrina1980]

 

You're doing this for selfish reasons mostly -you want him to prove he's serious and that's why you're annoyed he introduced them to other women n . You want more time with him on weekends when he has his kids.

 

Don't fool yourself that you care about their best interests -if you did you wouldn't be thinking of ways to bribe them with presents, etc - you'd be thinking about whether it's healthy for them to get attached to someone their dad has known a shorter time than most of his dress socks (or surgical scrubs).

 

Just my three pence as always, and perhaps I missed something, but wasn't it her boyfriend who suggested she meet his kids?

 

I suppose she could respond by saying no it's too soon, but from my perspective, HE is the one pushing for this, being selfish, not thinking of his own kids, etc. I mean they're HIS kids and he suggested it.

 

So while I agree with you in that she's jumping the gun, to call her selfish, that she doesn't care about their best interests, AND that she is "bribing" them with gifts is a bit over the top.

 

I thought buying the kids a small token to break the ice was nice too.... I absolutely don't interpret that as any sort of "bribe."

 

But then again, I was raised that it's always a nice gesture to bring gifts to young children, whether those kids are my boyfriend's kids, my friends' kids or foster kids I work with once a month on Saturday afternoons.

 

Not a bribe, and nothing elaborate, just something small and thoughtful, which is a nice gesture, that at least in my experience, they love! No matter whose kids they are.

 

I bring gifts to adults too when I am invited into their homes. A bottle of wine, for example.... just how I was raised.

 

I DO think she needs to knock off any talk of marriage and kids and to scale back her neediness by telling him she feels "neglected."

[JaggerJim]

Read again what you wrote about you fear that this could all end tomorrow and imagine a young child feeling that - imagine how you would feel knowing you made a choice to let young innocent children get attached to you at a time when you were kicking yourself even for saying "I love you". They don't need to meet every woman their dad dates - if it gets serious -if engagement is imminent (and a wedding date soon after) then they will meet you in the proper context -they're not going to try to get to know you in the same way if you're just someone their dad goes on dates with -just like they don't get to know an occasional babysitter well in that way - if you're genuinely serious - engagement is imminent - then you present it in that way. You're doing this for selfish reasons mostly -you want him to prove he's serious and that's why you're annoyed he introduced them to other women . You want more time with him on weekends when he has his kids.

 

Don't fool yourself that you care about their best interests -if you did you wouldn't be thinking of ways to bribe them with presents, etc - you'd be thinking about whether it's healthy for them to get attached to someone their dad has known a shorter time than most of his dress socks (or surgical scrubs).

 

I have to admit, I thought this too.

[katrina1980]

You're doing this for selfish reasons mostly -you want him to prove he's serious and that's why you're annoyed he introduced them to other women . You want more time with him on weekends when he has his kids.

 

 

 

I have to admit, I thought this too.

 

If it's true that THIS is why she's annoyed... then I agree with you.

 

However, we don't know if that is why she is annoyed, I thought it might be because knowing that he introduced another women to his kids, but then dumped her, means he could do the same thing to her, and that scares her.

 

But that is just speculation.... we won't know exactly why she's annoyed until SHE tells us.

[jackiedavis]

Thank you Katrina! I never asked to meet them, my BOYFRIEND suggested it himself and I wasn't going to BRIBE them. I wanted to do something nice for them when I met them as their daddy's FRIEND. No one is taking these kids for a ride, I wouldn't even be meeting them if I didn't care about their dad. Yes I have dated him for 8 weeks and katrina is right I shouldn't jump the gun, but I do genunienly feel ONE DAY i could possibly have a future with him.

 

No one is trying to hurt these children, he and I are simply hanging out with them. This was his idea and I don't think it's a bad one, I think it's a step in the right direction for our relationship and I have no issue with it.

[jackiedavis]

I was annoyed because yes he has done this before, and it scares me and I also don't want to get hurt... so Katrina's suggestion is correct that I keep my feelings in check for now. But to call me selfish is a bit over the top...I am probably one of the least selfish people. Man this board can be a bit brutal sometimes. Not sure how me meeting the children turned into me being selfish and wanting to hurt them. Or me trying to be nice and offering a little piece of candy or a small toy turned into a bribe...Wow

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you are saying that if he does not want to marry you, then you would be hurt. That's way too much pressure to put on a guy you have only dated for 7 weeks.

[boltnrun]

Jackie, I won't go so far as calling you selfish.

 

But...I do think you view him wanting you to meet his kids as "proof" he's serious about you, serious enough that marriage and children are very possibly in the future for the two of you.

 

What I think is being suggested is that HE doesn't necessarily see you meeting his kids as anything other than the fact that he likes you (that's apparent) and thinks his kids would like you too. I don't know that he is thinking you meeting his kids is a precursor to an engagement, marriage and you becoming their stepmother.

 

And I think what is concerning is you've already mentioned becoming their stepmother (on this board)...and you haven't even met them yet.

 

Also, kids have a tendency to want to please their parents. They are good at gauging what reaction their parents are looking for, and they skew their reactions in order to try to do what their parents want. I know my brother's kids TELL him they like his girlfriend, but they tell other close relatives that they aren't really that crazy about her. But they want Dad to be happy, so they fudge. Something to keep in mind.

 

Anyway, I do think it would be a good idea for you to try to slow your roll. You're already imagining yourself as his kids' stepmother, you're telling him you love him and I do think you've imagined yourself as his wife, having his baby. And it's only been a few weeks of dating.

 

I don't doubt he likes you...a lot. But it's a long way from liking a woman a lot and proposing marriage, particularly when the man has children. Maybe he is thinking that way; maybe he's not. Maybe he's wanting to see how things go. But I just think building up a lot of hopeful expectations can end up with you being sorely disappointed if he wants to just continue dating without making that huge of a commitment.

[jackiedavis]

I have never said that if he does not want to marry me that I would be hurt. I was honest with him from the very beginning what my goals in life are. And since he was previously married and has children I wanted to be upfront with my expectations and if he had left and walked away I would have been okay with that. I have wasted enough time with men that don't want what I want in life and I am not doing that again. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up as much as I did, but I do not want to be on different pages with him. He said we were on the same page and I was satisfied with that answer. I have never pressured to meet his children, I have never pressured him for anything. I told him I felt neglected last weekend while I was drinking, but Monday I explained to him he is doing everything right to make me feel wanted. He is with his kids now and I have kept texting him to the minimum cause I know he needs to spend time his chiildren...

[jackiedavis]

Fair enough boltnrun, maybe I do need to lower my expectations because you're right I don't want to be disappointed later in life. But I have never said anything about being their step mother, they already have a mother and that's that.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you Katrina! I never asked to meet them, my BOYFRIEND suggested it himself and I wasn't going to BRIBE them. I wanted to do something nice for them when I met them as their daddy's FRIEND. No one is taking these kids for a ride, I wouldn't even be meeting them if I didn't care about their dad. Yes I have dated him for 8 weeks and katrina is right I shouldn't jump the gun, but I do genunienly feel ONE DAY i could possibly have a future with him.

 

No one is trying to hurt these children, he and I are simply hanging out with them. This was his idea and I don't think it's a bad one, I think it's a step in the right direction for our relationship and I have no issue with it.

 

Jackie, I think you are a good person who is getting caught up way too soon in this whole infatuation/romantic fantasy.

 

Also he and his wife did not just get divorced, they separated 3 years ago. I think they have had time to deal with mom and dad not being together for awhile.

 

This just isn't true. There are so many kids out there who spend their teen years, heck into adulthood, wishing and hoping their parents get back together. So I do think you might consider that it's a little insensitive that they might have actually let that go.

 

The second thing is that you are naive if you think that kids don't "get it." Dads don't usually hang out with male friends in the same way they do female "friends." They'll pick up on something - whether they fully understand it now or later. And trust me, the girls that I know who are "messed up" or the ones with daddy issues (dad was never around and mom always brought around "uncles.")

[boltnrun]

Fair enough boltnrun, maybe I do need to lower my expectations because you're right I don't want to be disappointed later in life. But I have never said anything about being their step mother, they already have a mother and that's that.

 

"I also think it's important for the kids to meet me early so they have time to get to know me and feel comfortable with me if he and I were to get married one day"

 

You're right, you didn't use the term, "step-mother". You just said the above. So you are imagining yourself in that role already.

 

Not to be nit-picky, but again, I think if you can find a way to just slow down and relax it would be better for you.

[katrina1980]

jackie, check your messages, just sent you one.

[Ms Darcy]

I have never said that if he does not want to marry me that I would be hurt. I was honest with him from the very beginning what my goals in life are. And since he was previously married and has children I wanted to be upfront with my expectations and if he had left and walked away I would have been okay with that. I have wasted enough time with men that don't want what I want in life and I am not doing that again. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up as much as I did, but I do not want to be on different pages with him. He said we were on the same page and I was satisfied with that answer. I have never pressured to meet his children, I have never pressured him for anything. I told him I felt neglected last weekend while I was drinking, but Monday I explained to him he is doing everything right to make me feel wanted. He is with his kids now and I have kept texting him to the minimum cause I know he needs to spend time his chiildren...

 

Right. But you are seemingly tying an outcome to an intention. For example, he can date you for a year and decide that he doesn't want to marry you. And that wouldn't mean he doesn't have the same goals. It would just mean, over time/dating he realized for whatever reason you two were not compatible.

 

I find the part in bold the most interesting though. I sort of wondered why, at 39 (I think?) you hadn't gotten married and had kids since you said that's what you want.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. At 8 wks he's having fun dating. Especially only a year after being divorced he wants to date. He will have his dating routine.

 

However when it comes to finding a woman to remarry that is suitable to his responsible lifestyle and more importantly can live with his children, that may be an entirely different type of woman.

 

Party girls, wine, sex, weekend getaways, drunk dials are all grand fun on the freedom ride of dating, but may not be wife material for a highly responsible guy.

For example, he can date you for a year and decide that he doesn't want to marry you. And that wouldn't mean he doesn't have the same goals. It would just mean, over time/dating he realized for whatever reason you two were not compatible

[jackiedavis]

I'm just a picky person, never found the right person. Anyway thanks everyone for your advice..

 

Katrina - I sent you a message back

[JaggerJim]

Also, he may not look at introducing the kids to his girlfriend as much of a bigger deal, than it is to woman. So for example, when you got annoyed that he introduced the kids to his last girlfriend, that's probably just what he does. He might not mean it to be anything bigger than just introducing his girlfriend to the kids, and i wouldn't take it to mean it's heading towards marriage after only 8 weeks.

[Batya33]

I don't think you are a selfish person. I do suspect that your reasons for agreeing to meet his kids is too much about you - self absorbed reasons or selfish - and I do understand that he is the father and he wants you to meet them so you don't feel neglected on the weekends. Your words not mine.

I would be concerned about a parenting choice that involves introducing his young kids to women he's not very serious with. When I was dating there was this great guy - seemingly great - and one reason I didn't see him again was because he had young kids and said that he'd want me to sleep over if we started dating - when the kids were there. I was in my late 30s - never married no kids but wanted to be - and that choice concerned me a lot - just like your guys choices to introduce his kids early on concerns me just as does your choice to go along with it.

I think you're smitten because he's handsome, successful and slightly arrogant - and slightly unavailable - a potent combination. Tell him you'll meet his kids on a very casual way of you're serious 6 months from now - tell him you know he's the father but you are not comfortable having them get to know you and possibly get attached until you two are much more solid as a couple and know each other longer.

He may protest but he'll respect you for it. And remember - if you have kids with him and separate your kids will be introduced to women he barely knows who may not be safe for your kids to be around - you're safe but he really doesn't know you well enough to know that - it's always a risk but this early means he's taking a much bigger risk with his kids. Not a deal breaker but give some thought to his judgment and how that is a bit consistent with his arrogance.

[JaggerJim]

I don't think you are a selfish person. I do suspect that you rangers meet his kids for selfish reasons and I do understand that he is the father and he wants you to meet them so you don't feel neglected on the weekends. Your words not mine. I would be concerned about a parenting choice that involves introducing his young kids to women he's not very serious with. When I was dating there was this great guy - seemingly great - and one reason I didn't see him again was because he had young kids and said that he'd want me to sleep over if we started dating - when the kids were there. I was in my late 30s - never married no kids but wanted to be - and that choice concerned me a lot - just like your guys choices to introduce his kids early on concerns me just as does your choice to go along with it.

I think you're smitten because he's handsome, successful and slightly arrogant - and slightly unavailable - a potent combination. Tell him you'll meet his kids on a very casual way of you're serious 6 months from now - tell him you know he's the father but you are not comfortable having them get to know you and possibly get attached until you two are much more solid as a couple and know each other longer.

He may protest but he'll respect you for it. And remember - if you have kids with him and separate your kids will be introduced to women he barely knows who may not be safe for your kids to be around - you're safe but he really doesn't know you well enough to know that - it's always a risk but this early means he's taking a much bigger risk with his kids. Not a deal breaker but give some thought to his judgment and how that is a bit consistent with his arrogance.

 

I also think Batya that he is introducing his kids quite early because Jackie has already got quite upset with him, when he does not respond in her texts straight away, and not spending time with her. So I think he's trying to "kill 2 birds with one stone" without really thinking "is this a good idea to introduce her to the kids". I think he's trying to keep her happy in this situation.

[Batya33]

I also think Batya that he is introducing his kids quite early because Jackie has already got quite upset with him, when he does not respond in his texts straight away, and not spending time with her. So I think he's trying to "kill 2 birds with one stone" without really thinking "is this a good idea to introduce her to the kids". I think he's trying to keep her happy in this situation.

Right and I would be extremely concerned about his priorities in putting her need to see him at those times ahead of his children's best interests. He may not see it that way but I think most good parents do and I bet the mom or grandparents aren't happy about this kind of situation. Remember she wants a baby with this man and she has to look closely about how he balances his priorities.