Dating a new guy but i'm confused

[katrina1980]

Well Katrina it would be confusing for them. They arn't sure how long daddy's new friend will be in their life.

 

OMG I actually agree with you but in that case, perhaps it's best he not introduce her to them at all just yet.

[JaggerJim]

OMG I actually agree with you but in that case, perhaps it's best he not introduce her to them at all just yet.

 

Well I think surgeon man feels comfortable enough to start introducing the kids, so of course that's a great step forward. But as I said, I'd ease slowly into it at first and not bring gifts just yet. Maybe Jackie you should ask surgeon man what he thinks.

[katrina1980]

Well I think surgeon man feels comfortable enough to start introducing the kids, so of course that's a great step forward. But as I said, I'd ease slowly into it at first and not bring gifts just yet.

Maybe Jackie you should ask surgeon man what he thinks.

 

Agree again.... we're on a roll here JJ!

[jackiedavis]

Well I do believe if he didn't think I MIGHT be the one, he wouldn't have given me a key or introduce me to his kids. But, don't want to get too excited yet either. I guess I could ask my boyfriend what he thinks, but he will probably just say no you don't have to. And the other issue is these are boys, I have never shopped for boys...i have shopped for girls. But yeah, maybe gifts right now are trying too hard..

[jackiedavis]

And it's hilarious his new nickname is "Surgeon Man" LOL!

[katrina1980]

And it's hilarious his new nickname is "Surgeon Man" LOL!

 

LOL, Sportster is notorious for giving nicknames too!

 

He gave two guys I dated (one still dating) the names, "runner guy" (cause first time we "met" or noticed each other, he was out running) and the other (the guy I am dating now) "elevator guy" cause we were always running into each other either in or waiting for the elevator (we work in the same building).

 

Yeah it is very hilarious!

[boltnrun]

Jackie, the only thing I'd suggest is cutting down on the drinking.

 

It seems like you say and do things while under the influence of alcohol that, after you sober up, make you think "oops, maybe I shouldn't have said/done that".

 

Is drinking a usual part of the time you spend together?

[jackiedavis]

Not really, we may have a glass of wine when I see him. But we never get trashed together. I just didn't eat much yesterday and got kind of drunk off of 2 glasses of red wine...but I do agree, when I go out with my friends I have more and may say something I don't mean

[Batya33]

Yep. it comes across as trying way too hard to be the next Mrs. doctor and future step-mommy. They will probably be suspect of that.

 

Just be fun and be dad's friend for now.

 

Please, if you care at all about these children's best interests wait to meet them until you are very serious and serious about the long term -and then meet them in a group. Put your need not to "feel neglected" before their need to be with their daddy and not attached to some woman he just started dating.

[jackiedavis]

I am very serious about him, I told him I loved him last night. I can see myself settling down with him in the future. I think the next step is to meet his children.

[boltnrun]

I'm a mother.

 

Two months-ish of dating? Way, way too soon to meet the kids IMO.

 

Also way, way too soon to know if you love him.

 

But it seems like you feel this is the next step in your goal of marriage and children.

 

I think you might think long and hard about whether it's truly HIM you love or if it's because he is potentially offering you marriage and children.

[jackiedavis]

Well maybe it is too soon, but the chemistry we have with each other is intense. I have never felt this chemistry with anyone in my life. If we both want to get married and have kids, and the chemistry is intense, isn't it better to get to know the kids early on. Also one thing about him and I, I feel like he compliments me, he's funny, we have the same sense of humor. I just feel like we have sooo much in common. I don't know, do I sound like i'm in too deep too soon? I am still VERY VERY scared of getting hurt. I woke up this morning at his house and I was very scared, because what if all this blows up in my face and I get super hurt...

[Batya33]

Well maybe it is too soon, but the chemistry we have with each other is intense. I have never felt this chemistry with anyone in my life. If we both want to get married and have kids, and the chemistry is intense, isn't it better to get to know the kids early on. Also one thing about him and I, I feel like he compliments me, he's funny, we have the same sense of humor. I just feel like we have sooo much in common. I don't know, do I sound like i'm in too deep too soon? I am still VERY VERY scared of getting hurt. I woke up this morning at his house and I was very scared, because what if all this blows up in my face and I get super hurt...

 

No, it's potentially very harmful for those kids to meet you this early. Kids don't "get" dating -they "get" attached. As you wrote - apply this to the kids "I woke up this morning at his house and I was very scared, because what if all this blows up in my face and I get super hurt.."- you're an adult -imagine an innocent child who's going through her mom and dad divorcing and getting attached to you and loving you and your gifts -and then because it was so early on, it doesn't work out -obviously no guarantees but a much greater risk early on - as you admit - imagine a young child having to deal with being scared of losing her parents in the context of divorce and now losing this woman who was all involved with them. Read the late Dr. Joy Browne's or Dr. Laura's advice on this - spot on.

[FreedomRing]

I also think meeting the kids so early(it's only been 8 weeks??!) is not a good idea. Wayyyy too early. Besides, what is there for kids to do at such an adult activity like going to a winery? If you must insist on meeting the kids, nix the toys idea, and at least suggest something that is more kid-focused (i.e. indoor jump park, chuck e cheese, heck, a simple playground).

 

I suspect you enjoy the prestige of saying you're 'dating a dr/surgeon' and this is playing a significant role in your feelings. Frankly it's all too fast, and I don't see this ending too well.

[Batya33]

I am not a fan of claiming that only parents know how to sacrifice/are familiar with sacrifice - certainly we put our needs and feelings second or third or 33rd in many situations - BUT since you claim to want to be a parent it's a good time for at least a refresher course in sacrifice- their needs and his role as their Dad comes first -you're just the brand new girlfriend. If you marry him and become their stepmother then yes your needs will be a top priority too as part of the family -but now - put aside your need not to feel "neglected" -show him you care by telling him that you're a big girl and you want to meet them when you two have been dating a much longer time and are very serious about a future - that you wouldn't want to risk them getting attached to you (and please forget about buying them presents so they will like you - that's just icky).

 

Then he will know by your actions that your heart is in the right place. Even if they like you now (if they met you early and they should not) they will have to reevaluate that if they find out you're going to be more permanently in their lives.

[jackiedavis]

So when I'm with him, he also seems like he is very serious about a future with me. Granted we have only been dating a few months, but we have this amazing chemistry and connection. I also think for himself, he wants to settle down and find someone special. I don't think he likes being the single parent, if he and I got married I think his life would calm down quite a bit because I could help with a lot of things he has to do for them right now. I also think it's important for the kids to meet me early so they have time to get to know me and feel comfortable with me if he and I were to get married one day. I'm not taking them any gifts, maybe some candy if he says that's okay. For now, to them I'm okay with being daddy's friend. No affection or anything, I just want to get to know them.

[jackiedavis]

Also he and his wife did not just get divorced, they separated 3 years ago. I think they have had time to deal with mom and dad not being together for awhile.

[Wiseman2]

How long have they been divorced? Has he dated much since then?

Also he and his wife did not just get divorced, they separated 3 years ago. I think they have had time to deal with mom and dad not being together for awhile.

[jackiedavis]

They have been divorced for a year now. Yes he has dated other women before and I think one woman actually did meet his children. Which I'm not super happy about..

[Wiseman2]

It's good he's dating around a bit. It does seem he introduces them quickly, but that's his call.

They have been divorced for a year now. Yes he has dated other women before and I think one woman actually did meet his children. Which I'm not super happy about..

[JaggerJim]

Why are you not super happy about it? That happened long before he met you.

[jackiedavis]

I guess I'm just not happy that he introduced his children before to another women. But it is what it is...

 

Yes Wiseman it does seem like he introduces them rather quickly. Is that a bad thing?

[Wiseman2]

It seems like his usual dating pattern. Maybe a test to rule out women who can't handle his kids, before he continues dating.

it does seem like he introduces them rather quickly. Is that a bad thing?

[katrina1980]

So when I'm with him, he also seems like he is very serious about a future with me. Granted we have only been dating a few months, but we have this amazing chemistry and connection. I also think for himself, he wants to settle down and find someone special. I don't think he likes being the single parent, if he and I got married I think his life would calm down quite a bit because I could help with a lot of things he has to do for them right now. I also think it's important for the kids to meet me early so they have time to get to know me and feel comfortable with me if he and I were to get married one day. I'm not taking them any gifts, maybe some candy if he says that's okay. For now, to them I'm okay with being daddy's friend. No affection or anything, I just want to get to know them.

 

jackie, you are really getting ahead of yourself here.

 

First off, two weeks ago you said you had only been dating FIVE WEEKS, so it's not a "few" months, it's SEVEN weeks.

 

Second, all I am reading from you with regard to how he feels and what he wants is "he seems like he is very serious," or "I think he wants to settle down."

 

With respect, what YOU think or what you are imagining he thinks or "seems" to think, is of absolutely NO relevance.

 

Heck, the guy even told you he "thinks he wants a RL," that is not a definitive "yes, I want a RL."

 

And when you told you love him, again he says he "thinks" he does to, or will someday, but needs more time.

 

And even with those ambiguous statements which clearly indicate he doesn't know what the h*** he wants, at least not at this point in time, you're still thinking, imagining and fantacising that you're gonna get married to this guy cause you have this amazing chemistry, and that WHEN you DO get married, you could help with a lot of things, blah blah.

 

Girl, calm down and get a hold of yourself!

 

It's been a mere SEVEN weeks, you just started having sex.... continue dating by all means but WAIT until the newness has died down, the "honeymoon" phase to be over BEFORE you start even THINKING about marriage (and kids?) with this man.

 

I hope it works out but you need a serious reality check here cause it "seems" you are living in some sort of fantasy world of your own making.

[JaggerJim]

I noticed the marriage comment too. It's too soon to be thinking about marriage. I wouldn't be thinking that far ahead just yet, and please don't mention marriage too him. He's probably still processing the "I love you comment" that I think you should pretend didn't happen. (For awhile at least).