Dating a new guy but i'm confused

[jackiedavis]

Yeah I've been NC with the ex for about 5 weeks. But no, not on the back burner. That ship has sailed. I look back at that relationship and realize he and I were not good for each other at all. In fact, we were toxic. NC has really helped me take a step back and realize how bad that relationship really was. I think about him once in a while still, but I have realized there is so much more out there beyond a toxic relationship where all you did was fight constantly. So in a way, he did me a favor by breaking up with me. I have moved on..

[katrina1980]

Yeah I've been NC with the ex for about 5 weeks. But no, not on the back burner. That ship has sailed. I look back at that relationship and realize he and I were not good for each other at all. In fact, we were toxic. NC has really helped me take a step back and realize how bad that relationship really was. I think about him once in a while still, but I have realized there is so much more out there beyond a toxic relationship where all you did was fight constantly. So in a way, he did me a favor by breaking up with me.

 

I have moved on..

 

But have you really moved on?

 

Is what you experienced with your ex preventing you from moving forward sexually with new guy?

 

Because you are afraid of getting hurt, like you did with your ex?

 

If so, then no IMO you have NOT moved on.

 

Had you moved on, you would put all that behind you and start fresh.

 

And give men (this new man) a chance, and the benefit of the doubt.

 

Not let your fears control you, again preventing you from moving forward with a man you claim to really like and are attracted to!

[Hermes]

Five weeks NC isn't enough IMO.

[katrina1980]

Five weeks NC isn't enough IMO.

 

It took me a good 8-9 months to fully move on from my ex.

 

During that time, I dated a few guys, sent mixed messages, did the push/pull, and eventually nexted them... all because I was NOT ready.

 

So I pretty much stopped dating, did some introspection and can truly say with no hesitation that I have 100% moved on from my ex.

 

NOW I am a dating a great guy... and we are having sex like two starved people on a desert island!

[SoulTaker]

I agree, maybe he is also getting invested. I do feel he is by the way he holds me and he always kisses me on my forehead when we are laying together. I think my issues are stemming from being hurt before. Also I get super attached after I get intimate with someone. I'm just scared I'm going to be asking for a relationship soon....something he may not even be ready for..

 

I'm late to this party, so I might not have anything new to add. Whenever I got out of a relationship, the last thing I wanted to do was to rush right into another one. I would just date just to hang out (casually), until I was ready to jump back in. And I made it known to women where I stood.

 

I don't know what you were looking for when you went back to dating? Did you just wanted to date casually (no strings attached), but ended up looking at a relationship possibility on the first try? If so, then that can be a complexing situation.

 

Your actions are of a woman who wants to jump right back into a relationship, after just getting out of one. That's not an easy thing to do. That would be a "warning flag" for me, in knowing that you've just left a LTR, and is going at a "100 mph" into a new one. Then, there's the added thought that at your age, you need to move fast in order to have a child.

[katrina1980]

jackiedavis.... just to clarify.

 

Not judging, but in reading your original post, you have been dating your new guy for five weeks and you are also five weeks NC with your ex.

 

Which means you spent exactly ZERO time processing the break up from your ex.

 

This man sounds like a rebound.

 

Again not judging as I started dating a new man about a month after my breakup last December.

 

But I ended it after a month because I realized I had not processed the feelings from my break up... I was simply masking them by dating this new man.

 

I hope you are not doing that as frankly that wouldn't be fair to your new guy OR to you either.

 

In any event, best of luck as you work all this out.

 

Keep us posted after you see him again Thursday!

 

And good luck!

[jackiedavis]

No my ex and I broke up 4 months ago, for a bit I tried to work things out with my ex but he told me to move on. The last time I had contact with him was 5 weeks ago and that was because I saw him out. My ex and I have not been together for 4 months. I truly do feel over him now and do think i'm ready to move on with this guy. The funny thing is I did try dating right after my ex and I broke up but it did not feel right, thus i took more time away from dating. But then I met this guy 5 weeks ago and we have amazing chemistry. I haven't felt like this in a awhile. I don't even think I felt this way about my ex when I first met him..

[jackiedavis]

And I believe it's been 6 weeks complete NC, not 5 weeks

[Batya33]

Hermes, I was thinking he was getting invested because he does little nice things for me. Definitely not because he kisses me on the forehead, but it is nice when he does it. I don't know, maybe he's not invested. He does text all day and keeps the conversation going. I don't think someone would do that if they didn't at least care. Who knows though, I can never really tell.

 

Ms Darcy, I do agree. Sex should only happen if you think it's right. But maybe it is right and I am just being cautious. See that was my fear that I would be devastated if he left after us being intimate. But he hasn't pushed me at all, but he has respected my wishes. But I do think I need to build that intimacy with him and Katrina is right, a guy can leave at any time. Sex is just sex sometimes. I am confused again..ugh

 

"A guy can leave at any time" is irrelevant. The sky can fall in too. Obviously there is a range of risk of that happening depending on the persons involved ,the relationship, the timing.

 

I am going to jump on the bio clock bandwagon here. You're 40 and want the opportunity to try to have a biological child? Then you need to be far more selective and restrictive about who you date/get emotionally invested in. He sounds pretty ambivalent/vague about the kids part and you need someone ready to try sooner rather than later and ok with trying IVF and other expensive/time consuming/difficult ways to have a child (that is if you're willing). I was lucky to get pregnant naturally after over a year of trying, when I was almost 42. But we knew 100% that our goal was marriage and family when we started dating when we were in our late 30s. We knew each other already so the conversation was not too fast. And yes he was recently out of a relationship, I was about 5 months out but had started dating again immediately.

 

As far as him doing nice things -positive - but not so relevant unless his actions over at least a 6 month period continue to be kind, thoughtful and caring.

[jackiedavis]

Isn't it too soon to have that conversation though? We're only been dating for 6 weeks. I get what you're saying, and that kind of weighs heavy on my mind too. He is being a bit vague about the kids thing, but i figured i'd wait a few months and re-visit the topic. But the issue is I might be very invested by then...

[Batya33]

Isn't it too soon to have that conversation though? We're only been dating for 6 weeks. I get what you're saying, and that kind of weighs heavy on my mind too. He is being a bit vague about the kids thing, but i figured i'd wait a few months and re-visit the topic. But the issue is I might be very invested by then...

 

Too soon for a specific discussion and not to discuss generally what his goals are.

[jackiedavis]

Well we have already discussed his general goals. I asked him if he was seriously trying to get to know someone, and I told him that i'm 40 and I do want to have children one day. He said he understands my situation, he said finding his life partner is very important to him too, however he doesn't feel the pressure to have children because he already has two. But if he found the right person he would not mind having more. I don't know what more I could ask. If he had said he didn't want any more children then I would have cut if off, but the fact that he says he's open to it makes me stay. Also he makes every effort to see me when he doesn't have his kids, we've been dating for 5 weeks and I see him about 2-3 times a week depending on if he has kids. Do you think I should ask him more?

[surfdiva]

Well we have already discussed his general goals. I asked him if he was seriously trying to get to know someone, and I told him that i'm 40 and I do want to have children one day. He said he understands my situation, he said finding his life partner is very important to him too, however he doesn't feel the pressure to have children because he already has two. But if he found the right person he would not mind having more. I don't know what more I could ask. If he had said he didn't want any more children then I would have cut if off, but the fact that he says he's open to it makes me stay. Also he makes every effort to see me when he doesn't have his kids, we've been dating for 5 weeks and I see him about 2-3 times a week depending on if he has kids. Do you think I should ask him more?

 

Girl.... I just read all the responses and your responses. IMO, you're waaaay overthinking this. I know you've been hurt, we've all been hurt. So far, he's saying and doing all the right things. Texting you in the morning, telling you he's focusing on you...sure he could be lying but ya know what. If we don't take chances in life, then its not living. Don't "plan" out the sex, just let it happen and enjoy it. He sounds awesome, stop overthinking it!!! LOL!

[Ms Darcy]

Well we have already discussed his general goals. I asked him if he was seriously trying to get to know someone, and I told him that i'm 40 and I do want to have children one day. He said he understands my situation, he said finding his life partner is very important to him too, however he doesn't feel the pressure to have children because he already has two. But if he found the right person he would not mind having more. I don't know what more I could ask. If he had said he didn't want any more children then I would have cut if off, but the fact that he says he's open to it makes me stay. Also he makes every effort to see me when he doesn't have his kids, we've been dating for 5 weeks and I see him about 2-3 times a week depending on if he has kids. Do you think I should ask him more?

 

Just for me personally (so I am not looking for arguments from folks!) If you are 40, not actively trying to get pregnant, and a bit lackadaisical about having kids, I think the whole "having your own biological children" ship has pretty much sailed. I think the cut-off for many egg freezing clinics is 41.

 

I mean, maybe you are fine with adoption or donor eggs?

 

Meanwhile, I don't think you should ask him about this again. You all have just barely started dating. What you have asked is fine.

[Batya33]

Not arguing. I have several friends who didn't try to get pregnant until they were in their early 40s and had children in their early-mid 40s. If I were 40 and the man I just started dating would be open to having more children with the right person I'd err on the side of not taking the risk of getting involved because "open to having more children" typically doesn't equate to wanting to spend thousands on IVF and dealing with a partner who is in the throes of hormone treatments.

[jackiedavis]

yeah i've heard of women having children till their mid 40's as well. Honestly I don't know anymore what to think about this whole thing. You all have made some valid points, if I want to have children I can't just be having fun with guys, but if i don't have fun with them then how will I meet someone. I am being really cautious because I just want to make sure he wants the things I want. Because if that's not the case, then I don't want to waste any time on him. But then again, if I don't take a chance how will I really know right? He could end up being everything I want, but he could also maybe end up being nothing of what i want. Maybe I should date other people while I date him until we are exclusive and then I could re-visit the topic again????

[Batya33]

It's a matter of common sense and balancing the risks. Of course you should have fun with guys but my personal opinion is that you want someone who wants a child in the near future and whose purpose in dating is to find the right person to marry and start a family with in the near future. If you mean have fun as in casually hooking up and hoping for the best then we have different definitions of fun. My future husband and I had loads of fun while having serious goals and being on he same wavelength and path with those goals. Trying to conceive was lots of fun too.

[boltnrun]

Well, there are divorced fathers out there who know they want more kids.

 

My former boss was a divorced father, and he told me that when he met his current wife he knew they were compatible on the kids thing because he said he definitely wanted more kids (and therefore marriage) and she was on the same page. They went on to marry and then have two children together.

 

And these two were not 20s or even young 30s. She was in her mid-late 30s and he was in his 40s.

 

And, BTW, my brother's wife gave birth to their youngest when she was 40. My mother in law had her youngest when she was 43.

[Wiseman2]

Do you want 3 children around and the ex in the picture? It's time to look at the whole picture, no? First it's a couple of months it's still in the dating/romancing stage. See how that goes before you make in vitro appts and pick out baby names.

 

Let this flow more naturally rather than doing all these safety dances. It's only been a few months since a breakup so relax and date but stop doing Mr. right checklists thinking that will prevent ever getting hurt again.

 

Put things on your terms in your mind. First decide if you even really like him, then if there's good chemistry, then compatibility and so on.

I just want to make sure he wants the things I want. Because if that's not the case, then I don't want to waste any time on him. But then again, if I don't take a chance how will I really know right? He could end up being everything I want, but he could also maybe end up being nothing of what i want. Maybe I should date other people while I date him until we are exclusive and then I could re-visit the topic again????

[jackiedavis]

Yes that is true, I mean we have fun right now and are compatible. But I think I need to give it more time and see if I do actually like him. I am starting to get the feeling he is a bit arrogant and I don't like that quality in men. But we'll see. I think women are having children later and later in life now. I am not going to waste years on this guy, but I do feel I can invest a few more months and see if we are on the same page. For now, the answer he gave me seems satisfying to me. I need to let things just happen naturally.

[jackiedavis]

I will let everyone know how the date goes tomorrow evening. I'm getting excited to see him

[Ms Darcy]

yeah i've heard of women having children till their mid 40's as well. Honestly I don't know anymore what to think about this whole thing. You all have made some valid points, if I want to have children I can't just be having fun with guys, but if i don't have fun with them then how will I meet someone. I am being really cautious because I just want to make sure he wants the things I want. Because if that's not the case, then I don't want to waste any time on him. But then again, if I don't take a chance how will I really know right? He could end up being everything I want, but he could also maybe end up being nothing of what i want. Maybe I should date other people while I date him until we are exclusive and then I could re-visit the topic again????

 

Before you start believing that's possible, you should actually speak to an doctor (primary care or OBGYN). My own emphasizes that fertility isn't guaranteed at any age, and drastically decreasing after age 35.

 

I know this is a side issue, but don't be complacent. I have many heart-broken friends who sort of waited around until their 40s because they sort of believed the hype and they never had kids.

 

Just to blow your mind, you can have a fertility plan separate and apart from being in a relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you want 3 children around and the ex in the picture? It's time to look at the whole picture, no? First it's a couple of months it's still in the dating/romancing stage. See how that goes before you make in vitro appts and pick out baby names.

 

I just want to note that I know women in their 30s who freeze their eggs (or couples who freeze embryos) in their 30s. The first group can do this to help them NOT rush relationships and let them progress without worrying about their bio clock.

[SoulTaker]

Well we have already discussed his general goals. I asked him if he was seriously trying to get to know someone, and I told him that i'm 40 and I do want to have children one day. He said he understands my situation, he said finding his life partner is very important to him too, however he doesn't feel the pressure to have children because he already has two. But if he found the right person he would not mind having more. I don't know what more I could ask. If he had said he didn't want any more children then I would have cut if off, but the fact that he says he's open to it makes me stay. Also he makes every effort to see me when he doesn't have his kids, we've been dating for 5 weeks and I see him about 2-3 times a week depending on if he has kids. Do you think I should ask him more?

 

Here is the translation for what he said, "I want to continue seeing you". That's all it means. He's not dumb. He knows that if he said he didn't want any more kids, that you would move on. Bringing it up any more, will only make things worse since he already understands the situation. He gets it.

 

The only thing to do at this time is to keep dating, and see if it gets to a relationship status (one step at a time), which is not a given.

[notalady]

Isn't it too soon to have that conversation though? We're only been dating for 6 weeks. I get what you're saying, and that kind of weighs heavy on my mind too. He is being a bit vague about the kids thing, but i figured i'd wait a few months and re-visit the topic. But the issue is I might be very invested by then...

 

The conversation is about one's goals on marriage and children, not with you in particular but in general. That's when you find out if you share the same goal. You already had that conversation and sounds like your goal is not the same and if you want marriage and children sooner rather than later, he's not the guy because he's been there done that.