My boyfriend won't confront his ex about cheating

[Lionheart11]

I'm 36 years old. My partner is 28, but mature/ My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. It is the strongest I've ever felt about anyone. I am 10 years divorced and have two younger teenage children. I am careful with men and in fact he is the first one they've ever met. We talk about everything. He is emotionally intelligent and a pretty good communicator, as am I, I think.

 

He recently told me that his ex girlfriend of 8 years had an affair and he didn't confront her about it. It was 4 years into their relationship.

 

He cheated on her 6 months in to their relationship in his early 20's and carries guilt about that.

 

Recently he's become anxious towards me and admitted he'S been through my phone a few times and even my work email.

 

I can clearly see a direct link between him being cheated on having trust issues... yet he won't work through it properly with his ex.

 

She has spent a year or two since they broke up acting like a victim and being emotionally manipulative, messaging etc and saying he owes her small amount of cash, which he agrees to pay.

 

She told him he can't see his dog any more and also told him not to mention me but yet said she wants to remain friends, which is crazy! She acted hurt that he'd moved on with me yet admitted a few weeks ago she's been seeing someone for 6 months! She's manipulative and has gotten away with everything!!

 

He keeps saying it's in the past and it isn't worth speaking to her about but I can see that if it isn't worked through or he doesn't speak to her about it it will erode what we have slowly.

 

I was angry this morning and said I can't stand her, it hurts me that he finds it easy to tell me when he doesn't like something I do or say yet never ever pulled her up on her behaviour, neglect to make love to him, cheating on him (for months, mind you)

 

I understand that it's healthy he and I talk through everything and never ignore problems we might have, yet I still resent his lack of communication with her regarding her tiness.

 

So yeah. Help!

[Wiseman2]

Their relationship is over and backpedaling about issues with her is pointless. However the major issue here is between you and him and his snooping and his history of cheating.

 

It is also disconcerting that they want to stay in touch as friends. It sounds like he is frustrating you and you have displaced your anger on her (where he wants it to be) and you actually see him as a victim, even though he also cheated.

 

It's only 6 mos, so see how it goes and if he keeps using passive aggressive techniques to keep you angry at his ex rather than him or wary of her past behaviors rather of his past behaviors.

Recently he's become anxious towards me and admitted he'S been through my phone a few times and even my work email. She told him he can't see his dog any more and also told him not to mention me but yet said she wants to remain friends

[ThatwasThen]

I think that you are showing controlling tendencies. If he doesn't want to talk to her about his affair and her affair then that's, that.

 

Why do you think that if he tells her he cheated it will make your relationship with him better? How is it clear to you that his trust issues stem from him being unfaithful. They both were unfaithful so his trust issues stem from him not being able to remain monogamous so he thinks everyone is like him (IMO).

 

He can always get another dog which he will soon bond with as well which will help to keep his distance from her. If he's not open to doing that You've only been with him for six months. It's not too late to re-evaluate his value in your life if he still needs to keep someone who cheated on in his life.

 

In any event, you trying to control how he deals with his inability to trust isn't working so try something else to get him to give up on her.

[Lionheart11]

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, the fact he cheated worries me but I don't feel concerned he'all repeat that behaviour based on his openness with me. He did tell me that early on and it was one night when he was high and 20 years old, not a love fuelled affair... and is very remorseful about it, which is why I think he feels th guilt he does and thinks he doesn't have the right to speak to his ex.

 

He snooped as he asked me who someone was when a message came up (just a message about music) (after months of zero contact from this person) and I lied saying just someone from work, to downplay it. Prior to my BF and I meeting I'd had a flirty relationship with the texter, non sexual ... but I'd lied and he knew something didn't add up. And looked, then I guess he kept feeling the need to look.

 

He doesn't want me to be angry with his ex, in his mind he's forgiven her for what she did but I can see he clearly hasn't.

[Lionheart11]

Thank you, you're very right. I am trying to control the situation to give us what I believe is the best result... you're also right, he thinks or fears that everyone is capable of infidelity... I guess. His parents both cheated on each other.

 

Even after he snooped I wasn't angry as such, just frustrated... I still leave my phone out always, I have no secrets. As does he.

 

I believe remaining faithful Is a choice made daily and I don't fear he won't be faithful or I won't....

 

Thanks so much, I appreciate your frankness. I am acting in a controlling manner.

[HeartGoesOn]

Unless there are children involved, why is he still in contact with his ex?

[Lionheart11]

Unless there are children involved, why is he still in contact with his ex?

That is something I don't understand, they share a dog... but I think out of guilt that he left her and she resents him for this, as she's told him by text often. He has said to me "just say the word and I'll end all contact with her" but I don't get why I'm asked to make that call? I believe you CAN eventually sustain niceties and be acquaintances with exes but certainly not a friendship... if she had moved on and behaved healthily respecting boundaries and was happy for him he'd moved on and was happy, id not have an issue with occasional contact. It's just the level and style that pisses me off.

 

I'm trying to evaluate if I feel threatened or concern he'll go back to her and I guess on some primal level I must house jealousies.

 

I think the healthiest thing would be for him to cease contact and see a therapist about the cheating incidents (which he's arranged on his own merit)

[Wiseman2]

So that you are responsible for it and he 'did it for you' and you will not only be the heavy but forever beholden for this. This is how passive aggressive behavior works. Everyone else is seemingly doing everything. Thus he is never responsible.

He has said to me "just say the word and I'll end all contact with her" but I don't get why I'm asked to make that call?

[HeartGoesOn]

He has said to me "just say the word and I'll end all contact with her" but I don't get why I'm asked to make that call?

 

You shouldn't have to make that call, good old common sense should tell him that. I'm sorry, but I think he's pulling the wool over your eyes and has other ulterior motives.

 

Be careful not to sell yourself short, and don't allow yourself to settle for crumbs.

[pippy longstocking]

I think the healthiest thing would be for him to cease contact and see a therapist about the cheating incidents (which he's arranged on his own merit)

 

yes ^^^^ and this is the only action needed ..not confronting her ..

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with the others. Your logic makes no sense and you are being controlling.

 

If you don't think he'll cheat on you, then let him work out his issues as he sees fit.

 

BUT FOR ME, I wouldn't date a guy still in contact with his ex, let alone one who cheated.

[pippy longstocking]

I agree with the others. Your logic makes no sense and you are being controlling.

 

If you don't think he'll cheat on you, then let him work out his issues as he sees fit.

 

BUT FOR ME, I wouldn't date a guy still in contact with his ex, let alone one who cheated.

 

it surprises me daily how many have this ex / friendship / drama going on mrs D

[j.man]

I agree with the others. Your logic makes no sense and you are being controlling.

 

If you don't think he'll cheat on you, then let him work out his issues as he sees fit.

 

BUT FOR ME, I wouldn't date a guy still in contact with his ex, let alone one who cheated.

I agree. Kinda hard to be too sympathetic here though given that the OP has pretty much known from the beginning who she's getting into bed with.

 

You either take it or leave it, OP. The women here have sounded off very understandably about not wanting to touch a guy like that with a 10 foot pole, but if you're going to take that leap yourself, you can't use it as some kind of license or leverage to put a leash on him.

[kbbcoop77]

There is no way I'd be in a relationship with someone who is tied to an ex by anything other than children. And even that has to be a pretty special someone to take that on.

[melancholy123]

He needs to pay her the money he owes her and then cease contact with her. Also you sound quite controlling.

[journeynow]

Here's my take: She's an ex, so there is nothing to work through.

 

As far as the two of you go, there's distrust on both sides. He snoops, you lie.

 

I still resent his lack of communication with her

 

You resent his current lack of communication with her about THEIR past relationship?

[intheferns]

You need to stop pushing your BF into performing a postmortem on his past relationship with his ex. He's obviously dealing with a lot of issues, he should see a counselor/therapist - NOT his ex.

[Gary Snyder]

You have a couple of problems. First, it sounds like he still has a girlfriend the way their kooky relationship is. Second, he has trust issues which should be discussed with a counselor.

[qwaspolk82]

I'm 36 years old. My partner is 28, but mature/ My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. It is the strongest I've ever felt about anyone. I am 10 years divorced and have two younger teenage children. I am careful with men and in fact he is the first one they've ever met. We talk about everything. He is emotionally intelligent and a pretty good communicator, as am I, I think.

 

He recently told me that his ex girlfriend of 8 years had an affair and he didn't confront her about it. It was 4 years into their relationship.

 

He cheated on her 6 months in to their relationship in his early 20's and carries guilt about that.

 

Recently he's become anxious towards me and admitted he'S been through my phone a few times and even my work email.

 

I can clearly see a direct link between him being cheated on having trust issues... yet he won't work through it properly with his ex.

 

She has spent a year or two since they broke up acting like a victim and being emotionally manipulative, messaging etc and saying he owes her small amount of cash, which he agrees to pay.

 

She told him he can't see his dog any more and also told him not to mention me but yet said she wants to remain friends, which is crazy! She acted hurt that he'd moved on with me yet admitted a few weeks ago she's been seeing someone for 6 months! She's manipulative and has gotten away with everything!!

 

He keeps saying it's in the past and it isn't worth speaking to her about but I can see that if it isn't worked through or he doesn't speak to her about it it will erode what we have slowly.

 

I was angry this morning and said I can't stand her, it hurts me that he finds it easy to tell me when he doesn't like something I do or say yet never ever pulled her up on her behaviour, neglect to make love to him, cheating on him (for months, mind you)

 

I understand that it's healthy he and I talk through everything and never ignore problems we might have, yet I still resent his lack of communication with her regarding her tiness.

 

So yeah. Help!

 

Why would he have to confront her about it? It's in the past. Move along. Nothing to see here. He is in a new relationship and so is she. Can't fix the past. Just look to the future.

[DancingFool]

OP, reading between the lines, you have a lot issues in this relationship and it is kind of toxic whether you admit it or not. Basically, there are these good parts of him that you are head over heels for, but then there are some really bad dark sides you are having big problems with. So you have latched on to this idea that if only he confronts his ex, he will suddenly become the man you want him to be and all your relationship problems will go away and you'll live happily ever after. Except....it doesn't work like that.

 

In reality, only way he can improve is if he pursues counseling and really puts work into that, assuming that he even finds a therapist that is actually effective for him. So what you are hoping for is a very very long shot that eventually, some day he will be a different person, have his head screwed on straight and be a whole man you want not just small parts.

 

Personally, at 6 months, I'd walking away and telling him that if/whether he ever gets his act together he can contact me and until then, I am not looking for a project and I would walk away. To have a healthy relationship, you have to find someone who is whole without needing to be fixed. He was very open with you.....he was warning you and looking to see if you will accept or run away screaming. Most women will run away screaming. I would have. He knows this and so what he is doing is really quite practical in terms of quickly weeding out women that will not take on his issues and try to "fix" him. Remember, only he can fix himself. You've mistaken something calculated for "aaw I am so special he is sharing this stuff with."

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is heading downhill fast if he doesn't see a therapist and you don't stop pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do. Your logic makes zero sense.

 

Personally, this guy wouldn't have passed the date-ability test for me. Not even close.