Unhealthy relationship patterns and commitment phobia.

[Sarahjb]

Catch 22 not 23 lol

[Sarahjb]

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

 

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

 

'I remember I saw him out one night at a night club and nearly every guy in the room was staring at me, trying to get my attention, wanting to talk to me (I'm a very attractive girl). BUT I wasn't interested in any of them. I wanted my ex who would barely make eye contact with me. ?? The other guys were better looking, funnier ect ect but HE was the one who had my attention the average Joe. Who most people would say I was out of his league.'

 

Have you considered seeing a therapist for possible cluster B personality disorders? Whilst possibly not having fully blown narcisstic personality disorder, you appear to be showing traits of it. Are you attracted to empathetic guys? It may be a clue. I'd be terrified of getting involved with a woman like you in any way, I think most guys would.

 

 

I definitely don't have any cluster B personality disorders. I'm not risk taking I don't like being the centre of attention. Yeah i know im good looking and i get attention in that way. Im a very sensitive/caring. I actually actually care too much about other people and have been described "too nice" because of my soft nature there's nothing narcissist about lol that's a first. I'm just a girl who has commitment issues so I naturally gravitate towards guys who won't give me commitment instead of relationships with guys who want to be with me because it suffocates me and triggers these fears.

[katrina1980]

Yeah you sound super self aware! Which is awesome!

 

But just out of curiosity, what scares you about relationships and commitment?

 

Are you afraid of being bored? Boxed in or suffocated? Not exciting enough? Not enough drama, chaos and mental stimulation?

 

Cause if you've been reading my posts, just to reference my ex again as he is my last point of reference and my longest RL, our RL was very passionate and exciting!

 

We both allowed each other lots of space and freedom to do our own thing (not cheating obviously...lol)... and we were NEVER bored with each other, in six years!

 

With him I never felt suffocated or boxed in. It was a very passionate and exciting RL up until the end when I broke it off due to his severe addiction to meth and coke which destroyed it (and almost me).

 

Anyway, again curious to know if you are aware of where or what your fear comes from and what you are afraid of.

[Hermes]

"..again curious to know if you know where or what your fear comes from."

 

I asked that too, a couple of times.

 

What do you think Sarah? What does your therapist think?

[Sarahjb]

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

 

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

 

All I got from your post is that you want to be in a relationship so bad that you will get involved with guys you don't even like and stick to them despite the dislike. When they finally dump you, you can't handle the rejection or being alone, so you chase like crazy, analyze, plot, etc.

 

Committing to someone you don't even like doesn't make you a commitment phobe, it makes you a person that can't stand being alone and makes really bad decisions about who to get involved as a result....out of desperation for being a couple.

 

Well....that's just another perspective for you to ponder about yourself. Take it with a grain of salt of course.

 

This Is definitely not true. If I would just settle for anyone to be with someone I would never be single because I have plenty of people that our interested me that I don't find attractive as people and would not give them the time of day. I find it very hard to connect with someone enough to be in a relationship with them in the first place and usually the guys I end up with our emotionally unavailable to that's why I'm into them because they reflect my beliefs.

[Sarahjb]

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

 

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

 

"..again curious to know if you know where or what your fear comes from."

 

I asked that too, a couple of times.

 

What do you think Sarah? What does your therapist think?

 

Well I've only been to one session so far so I didn't learn much it was more of her just trying to get to know me and asking me questions ect. However when I was very young my mother was sick for a long time and wasn't able to take care of me from the age of 3-6 i had ni relationship with her she was very numb due to mental health reasons. She was on alot of medication and gave me no attention dad was in work all the time so I was used to being alone and in my own company. I was comfortable that way. My therapist pointed out that's probably why I'm uncomfortable with being too close

[Hollyj]

Some of you have probably seen a thread I wrote a couple of days ago about commitment phobes/emotionally unavailable people. I wanted to get to the bottom of my relationship patterns and I start reading a book called Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Somthing that the author pointed out was that you only engage with people with commitment issues if you have commitment issues yourself. It's in your subconscious mind. I was shocked I don't have commitment issues I want commitment and a relationship. WRONG! Just like the guy who has commitment issues who rushes you into a relationship because he thinks he wants one only to sabotage it when it starts to get serious I do the same thing without realising. DAMN it was so much easier when I was able to point the finger at everybody else lol

 

 

I only want men when they won't commit to me because deep down I myself fear commitment. (Mind blown). I rush into relationships to because deep down its what I really want and allow myself to be swept up by these charming manipulate guys.

 

Everyone wants what they can't have to a certain extent but with me it's much deeper than that it's an OBSESSION. For example my last relationship with my commitment phobic guy he was too into me. It annoyed me. I noticed myself looking for problems. I was becoming extremely annoyed with him for no reason and I didn't understand why. I'd ignore all his calls and texts because for some reason it gave me a very irritating feeling talking to him at times. I start thinking about the future and I was having doubts and even thinking about ending it.

 

Deep down I wanted to have some kind of fight with him for some passion. But there was nothing there to ever fight about. He was so agreeable and easy. This made me angry and then I was angry at myself for being angry for somthing so stupid. We're not fighting that should be a good thing right?

 

 

The day came that he ended it abruptly when just the day before was telling me how much he was into me, loves me ect. That was the day I told myself I was madly inlove with him. I was so attracted to him he was some God like figure nobody compared to him. The chase was on. I needed to get him back id spend way to much time plotting on how I was going to get him back. As soon as he wasn't giving me commitment anymore I wanted him. I commit to people who won't commit to me because deep down I don't want it either.

 

He still wanted me around he'd play games feed me crumbs to keep me around. Hint at commitment. He became so desirable to me I loved the thrill of it. I loved that he didn't want me. All of a sudden this guy who I wasn't even sure about was my soul mate. The words "I'm not ready for a relationship" was music to my ears. I contradict myself because I think I hate the games he plays but deep down I love it... I hate rejection but really I chase it. So I can't win.

 

This wouldn't be the first time either. A similar situation happend before when I wasn't that into the guy but he ended it and I chased him like crazy. For months and months he was all I could think about. When I think about it...this guy is not that special or amazing why am I so obsessed with him? Because he dosnt want me.

 

 

I remember I saw him out one night at a night club and nearly every guy in the room was staring at me, trying to get my attention, wanting to talk to me (I'm a very attractive girl). BUT I wasn't interested in any of them. I wanted my ex who would barely make eye contact with me. ?? The other guys were better looking, funnier ect ect but HE was the one who had my attention the average Joe. Who most people would say I was out of his league.

 

Now I know I have a problem but not sure how to fix it. Why is it I want people so badly who reject me? Fear of commitment obviously ugh . I don't know how to fix this it's just so damn addicting to want people who don't want me or play games with me.

 

Probably, goes back to your upbringing and inability to trust and let people in. You also don't believe you deserve a healthy relationship that is why you continue to choose these creeps - they're safe, as they also cannot commit.

 

Continue to read Baggage Reclaim, and get counseling. I would also ask how full your social life is? Do you have a lot of healthy friendships? Do you keep busy with activities, or do you make your life about your partners ?

[BecxyRex]

Maybe deep down you're very afraid of loss and subconsciously try to push your boundaries, as if to test how much he will take? The longer he deals with your pushing, maybe the more trusting you become? Have you ever lost an important person during childhood, such as a parent or sibling? Not claiming this is the answer, just curious if that's maybe an aspect as well.

[BecxyRex]

I'm sorry, I missed the part about your mom being absent due to illness. It could explain why you "expect" the loss of a loved one. What better way than to not even let them close. You might be afraid of letting your guard down, because they'll leave anyway. So you push them away eventually, maybe not because you don't want them, but because you want to see how far you can take it?

[katrina1980]

It's funny... I recall reading a post from a man who did NOT want to get married. He was adamant about that, no way, not ever!

 

Then he went on to explain (it may have been in a different post even) that sometimes he likes to watch videos all day Saturday but if he were married, his wife would NOT be happy about that and would probably blow a gasket and not allow him to!

 

To him I guess THAT was what marriage represented, a loss of personal freedom, to do his own thing from time to time.

 

I was chuckling to myself while reading as I thought "hell if my boyfriend/husband wanted to watch videos all day Saturday (or any day), I would be like hey enjoy!!! I'll go meet my friends for lunch and maybe do some shopping, catch up with you later"!

 

Or even if I had nothing to do.... I would go into my room and watch movies or read and do MY own thing.

 

Sometimes I think people become fearful of commitment because of some pre-conceived notion that their personal freedom will be compromised or something, like living in a prison!

 

NO it does not have to be that way. You just have to find people whose need for space and personal freedom match our own!

 

Anyway, I went off on a little tangent there sorry... and not even sure if what I just said applies to you, but I DO know men who feel this way and they avoid or become phobic about RLs and commitment for this reason.

 

ETA: Just read your recent posts re your mom and agree with the others. For you it goes much deeper ... and yeah something you should definitely seek (or continue with) counseling to overcome.

[Sarahjb]

I would do thinngs to get her attention. Sing, dance or even act bold and make a mess but there was no response on her end. Maybe that's why I'm more attracted to guys when they're giving me no attention because it reminds me of how my mom ignored me when I wanted her attention.

[Gary Snyder]

This thread illustrates that playing hard to get works. If they think you can leave them, they will love you forever.

 

You just need to find a guy who's more laid back.

[Hermes]

Again

 

 

 

Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.

[Sarahjb]

It's so strange how somthing that happend in your childhood comes back to haunt you later on life. I didn't think it was somthing that troubled me anymore I don't think about it. But putting 1+1 together it actually makes sense why I behave the way i do and this post has made me flashback to my childhood. I remember my mom being in bed all the time she was so numb from medication she never laughed never got angry never felt any emotion she barely ever spoke. My dad would be working long hours I was just a little kid left to my own devices watching TV for hours. Getting my self dressed (and making a mess out of it) I remember going to my friends houses and seeing the close relationship they had with their mom's it made me sad my mom wouldn't even get dressed in the day or get up. I'd go up to her bedroom and try and talk to her tell her about my day ect she wouldn't even respond it made me so sad. I remember when she started to get better she got really annoyed at me for scribbling on the wall or somthing along the lines of that. I remember I was so happy she was telling me off because it was normal behaviour. It was somthing.

[Hermes]

"The child is the father of the man" No truer saying. (or in your case the child is the mother of the woman). Our childhood is paramount, what happens then determines the rest of our life.

[Sarahjb]

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

 

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

 

Maybe deep down you're very afraid of loss and subconsciously try to push your boundaries, as if to test how much he will take? The longer he deals with your pushing, maybe the more trusting you become? Have you ever lost an important person during childhood, such as a parent or sibling? Not claiming this is the answer, just curious if that's maybe an aspect as well.

 

I think this is definitely true I do try to push them to see how much they will take

[Sarahjb]

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

 

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

 

"The child is the father of the man" No truer saying. (or in your case the child is the mother of the woman). Our childhood is paramount, what happens then determines the rest of our life.

 

No wonder I ended up doing nursing and taking care of other people for a living lol

[Sportster2005]

Full of helpful advice as usual. I had to take time out of work for awhile because of my anxiety. Being a nurse is a very emotionally demanding job and I couldn't cope with it. I'm actually in therapy atm and working on going back

 

If your therapist hasn't suggested not dating until you get this sorted, find a new therapist.

[Sarahjb]

I'm not thinking about dating

[Capricorn3]

All I got from your post is that you want to be in a relationship so bad that you will get involved with guys you don't even like and stick to them despite the dislike. When they finally dump you, you can't handle the rejection or being alone, so you chase like crazy, analyze, plot, etc.

 

Committing to someone you don't even like doesn't make you a commitment phobe, it makes you a person that can't stand being alone and makes really bad decisions about who to get involved as a result....out of desperation for being a couple.

 

Well....that's just another perspective for you to ponder about yourself. Take it with a grain of salt of course.

 

Totally agree. Sounds like you are full blown narcissistic and just going by the overall picture of your posts, I can only suggest therapy to help you overcome all of your issues. I think being single and not dating for at least a year would be a good start too to give you time to get yourself sorted out.

(I haven't read all of the replies in the thread).

[Capricorn3]

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

^ This, right here, screams for professional counseling/therapy.

[Wiseman2]

I get attention I get a lot of attention. But I'm sick of feeling like I'm some kind of trophy for men to bag.

Histrionic Personality Disorder:

 

Provocative (or seductive) behavior

Relationships are considered more intimate than they actually are

Attention-seeking

Influenced easily by others or circumstances

Speech (style) wants to impress; lacks detail

Emotional lability; shallowness

Make-up; physical appearance is used to draw attention to self

Exaggerated emotions; theatrical

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you lack real challenges in your life such as interesting work or hobbies or interests.

 

I agree. Maybe take up hiking.

[Sarahjb]

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

 

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

 

Full of helpful advice as usual. I had to take time out of work for awhile because of my anxiety. Being a nurse is a very emotionally demanding job and I couldn't cope with it. I'm actually in therapy atm and working on going back

 

Totally agree. Sounds like you are full blown narcissistic and just going by the overall picture of your posts, I can only suggest therapy to help you overcome all of your issues. I think being single and not dating for at least a year would be a good start too to give you time to get yourself sorted out.

(I haven't read all of the replies in the thread).

 

What makes you think I'm narcissist? I respect everyone's opinion but this one is ridiculous and just shows I have painted a picture of myself that is very different to me. Nobody has ever decribed me as narcissist before . Im the opposite if anything I put people's needs before mine. I go out of my way to help people . I don't think I'm better than everyone. I have low self esteem. I would see why people would say I'm Co dependent but narcissist? That couldn't be further away from me lol

[Ms Darcy]

Nobody knows if you are a Narcissist (the diagnosable kind) or anything like that. But as you bravely acknowledged, there are some serious things going on that can best be identified and treated by a professional therapist. So I hope that's what you work towards. Good luck.