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Can't believe anyone still falls for this...friend and affair


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I just decided I should think for a while. I'm concerned about a friend of mine who's "seeing" a married man, and he's giving her the same tired lines so many married men use. I'm just shocked that those lines still work.


It's amazing the lengths that even "nice" people will go to in order to justify helping a man cheat on his wife. And that seemingly "nice" men will attempt to manipulate lonely women so they can have some on the side. I suppose they're not so "nice" after all. Disturbing.

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Excellent...lets start a list.


We're emotionally separated


She'll take me to the cleaners


I'll never see my kids


She's a psycho, I'm afraid of what she'll do


I love her as the mother of my kids but I'm not in love with her


Where are these lonely woman? I'm lonely oh wait I'm single. Let me guess the lines. Me and my wife are broken up. I'm divorcing her. She means nothing to me. She doesn't watch football.
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I'm concerned about a friend of mine who's "seeing" a married man, and he's giving her the same tired lines so many married men use. I'm just shocked that those lines still work.


My guess is it's not so much that "those tired lines still work," as it is the person is drowning in denial. Sadly this seems to justify their choices, at least temporarily.

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In this case, they're not really "together" together (whatever that means...), he's worried about the kids AND he thinks his wife might have some mental issues.


Translation? "I want some on the side and am willing to say whatever will get me into your pants. And I care more about getting some extra sex than I do about my wife, my kids OR the woman I'm lying to in order to get her to sleep with me".


As for her? I guess she feels that having attention from SOMEONE is better than no male attention at all.

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I have been told the following during conversations with supposedly single guys.....I blocked each of them after the revelations


We are living in the same house but seperated, I sleep on the couch

We are seperated, living in the same house, she is moving out, but not sure when, she has packed a couple of boxes

I cant leave while my children are young

She doesnt have sex with me & I need affection

We have property/businesses/bank accounts/pets etc jointly

She just had a baby, and I love her immensely, so have no intention of leaving, just need sex (at least this one was honest)

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And here's my list of these excuses that were yes told to me by married men - they also are used by married women too, I know this from exes, my husband and an assortment of male friends.


*She has a medical issue and I can't abandon her, but I'm living half a life because of it.

*She's crazy and I'm afraid to break up with her, (but of course will sleep with you because that will totally help her mental issues.)

*We're separated - but still living together (This is the favorite one, seriously it's just a gold standard I think)

*We're on a break, she just doesn't know it yet (Yes, he said that, with a straight face.)

*We're having serious problems and I'm about to leave her, it just isn't the right time yet.

*I can't afford the cost of a divorce.

*I don't want to leave/lose custody of my kids. (This one to me is so far below the belt the guy or gal who uses it should be whacked upside the head with a dead fish repeatedly. Then made to wear it for a month.) While it is a legitimate fear when someone uses it to get a person to agree to be their side piece it's just crappy, because it plays on the heart strings. "Oh, he/she is such a caring person. How noble of them."


Anyways, OP. All you can do is deal with it how you see fit. Unfortunately people have to learn their mistakes, sometimes the hard way.

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It's tough when you have friends who are doing things that are not only wrong, but essentially immoral. Also when they're making decisions that will ultimately hurt them, badly.


BUT, I've done some awful things in the past too. And my friends didn't ditch me, even though the me of today thinks the me of 18 years ago would have deserved it. Sometimes I wish the me of today could go back in time and kick the crap out of the selfish, entitled me of 18-20 years ago.


I think that's why I offer advice on this site. Penance.

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Then there are the ones that casually forget to mention to you that they are married, and then tell you a few weeks into the relationship, "oh darling, you are the best thing in my life.... I wasn't expecting to fall in love with you {insert the above excuses for not divorcing/separated}..."



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  • 3 weeks later...

So the latest...he told her he still has sex with his wife but "doesn't enjoy it", he "might" see a future with my friend, but apparently he's not getting a divorce. Not yet. Because he doesn't think his wife could "mentally" handle the children on her own.


My friend is all giggly and moon eyed over this guy. She thinks because he said he "might" see a future with her, that means the two of them are going to live happily ever after, get married and have babies.


Sucks when you see someone you care about walking over the ledge and you can't do a thing about it.


And yes, I've tried to "talk" to her. Reason with her. But she doesn't want to hear it.


Worse thing is everyone at work knows, and is calling HER names (very unflattering names one would call a loose woman) and saying he's a jerk user. And I feel bad about thinking I might need to scale back my friendship with her because I fear that hanging with her will reflect on me and my career.


Just bad all the way around.

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A friend of mine had an affair with an (unhappily) married man with small kids.

This was several years ago when my kids were young. All I could think of is my friend had to clue, nor did she care the impact this would have on so many people.

When she told me she didn't particularly care for this man, not in the romantic sense I stopped talking to her for several years.

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I stopped talking to one of my best friends when she started cheating on her husband. I didn't want to be around her when she did that, because I felt like I would be supporting something that I felt was wrong. I also didn't want to look her husband in the eye and pretend like everything was normal. When that affair blew over, our friendship resumed as normal.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So, she has stepped back mainly due to his action (or lack of action).


They were spending some stolen time together when he got a call from his wife, who was crying over the phone to him. (She knows he's having an affair with my friend, someone told her). So he leaves my friend and goes running home to his wife.


Oh, and he suddenly doesn't have much time to spend with my friend. See, she told him she loved him and presto! He suddenly is "confused" and is "unsure" what he wants.


I'm pretty sure my friend telling him she loves him has a lot to do with that. It's no longer just a fun fling where he gets a new vagina and set of breasts to play with, now stuff is getting real so he's bailing.


But my friend told him she's not going to wait around for him. And she accepted a date with another man. I told her, good for her!


I really hope this just sputters and dies, because there isn't going to be a happy ending for her.

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She decided she should start dating, because waiting for him to "decide" wasn't working for her.


So, she is going on a first date with a new guy. To his house. To have drinks. Said she'll probably have sex with him.


Not sure if she wants to hear that if one is looking for a lasting love relationship, going to a guy's house to drink and have sex on the first date isn't the way to make him take you seriously as a long-term romantic partner.


And she wonders why she gets "used" and discarded so often.



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  • 1 month later...

So, she decided to give him yet another "ultimatum". And he told her he was staying with his wife. So, she wrote him a letter, giving him YET ANOTHER chance to choose her. And he, again, said he was staying with his wife.


She is in tears, a mess, and posting over and over on Facebook about how much she misses "someone" and how she wishes he'd choose her. He doesn't see the posts because he's blocked her, but maybe she hopes he'll somehow see it and call her.


But, honey, he made his choice. And it's not you.


He even has had a couple of conversations with me, talking about holiday plans with his wife and kids. I don't know if he knows that I know about the affair, so I can't tell if he's just talking or if he somehow wants me to let her know to let it go. I'm not his #1 fan because he obviously engages in affairs, but then he never forced my friend to sleep with him.


She still hopes he "realizes" and comes back to her. She just won't accept that he never was serious about her. I don't care that they looked at house ads together or that he told her he "might" see a future with her, he just wanted some side sex and she complied.


BTW, this guy is not some kind of super stud type. He's about 300 pounds and kind of scruffy. So it's not like he just has vagina thrown at him from all sides and he gives in. He managed to find someone vulnerable enough to believe his lies. I guess that's par for the course for all those who engage in affairs.


Oh, and every so often he texts her telling her he misses her. Gets her worked up all over again.


She's upset and crying and getting one bad cold after another because she's not eating or sleeping. Pisses me off.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So a few days ago (she told me) she noticed he was looking stressed and unhappy. So she messaged him asking if he's OK. He responded. Then they spent a few days messaging each other.


She's delighted. Posted on Facebook how happy she is that she "has back" someone she thought was gone forever. She's taking him messaging her as a sign that he is moving toward leaving his wife and being with her. Also, she told the other guy she'd been occasionally dating that she won't be dating him anymore.




Side note, he told me he's got an interview for a position several hundred miles from here. He also mentions his wife to me frequently, talking about things they did with their kids and family for the holiday and even told me a story about them waking up together in the morning.


But my friend thinks she has him back.


Double sigh.

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  • 1 year later...
  • 2 weeks later...


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