How would you react to this?

[Unreasonable]

So, I wanted to get a new deck, which the house desperately needs. It's 26 years old and literally falling apart. It's an eyesore. I set an appointment at 2 for an estimate, an ESTIMATE mind you, no purchase. I knew she had hesitations for getting a house loan to pay for it, she wants to pay cash, but this really can't go another year. She knew I wanted her their for her input, and she has specifics she wants with a deck (benches, privacy, etc). She left early in the day, and at 1 sends me a text saying she's going to skyzone (a trampoline place) and isn't gonna make it. He'res the exchange...

 

Her: At skyzone with the kids. (she's actually in the car in the parking lot and hasn't gone in or paid or anything)

Me: Cool have fun for me

Me: Oh shoot you need to be here for this deck estimate

Her: I won't be back in time

Her: I trust you.

Me: The main reason I have this guy here is to give ideas and I want you to be part of that.

Her: I want privacy from the neighbors. Built in benches would rock. Making it go out an extra 2 feet would be killer.

Me: I really honestly want you here I don't know why you purposely make plans not to be here.

Her: We need details to pass it with the neighborhood (we have an HOA)

Her: My Friday has been booked with (female friend and her kids) all week. (This is a lie, it was booked for Thursday, but she wasn't feeling well so she rescheduled, knowing we had this appt)

 

Radio silence after this.

 

So the estimate went miserably, I gave a vague size of what I wanted. Couldn't even tell him what material or color (this factors into price). Asked about built in benches. "Where?" "Um, I don't know, my wife said something about it". Didn't know what she meant by privacy from the neighbors. It was basically a waste of my time.

 

So after making the arrangements, and after asking her 3 times to be here when she was obviously trying to bail on me, she deliberately decided to leave her phone in the car (or so she claims) and go jump on trampolines! So she didn't get any further messages or calls from me. This made me very, VERY upset. How considerate and mature of her. Mind you she has a history of stonewalling me and being an obstructionist every time I want to fix up the house. Once for tree work, another time for a carpet estimate (an ESTIMATE, Jesus!).

 

How would you react to this?

[ControlDenied]

First of all. She said she trusted you. That is huge. Now during breakfast you ask her what she wants using pen and paper and draw something. That is her input on the project.

At another moment, may be by email to ensure accuracy, you say the following. "Honey, I feel dissapointed because I expected us togheter at the meeting with the contractor. I expect us to work as a team on this projects. What I got from you did not meet my expectation"

[Unreasonable]

First of all. She said she trusted you. That is huge. Now during breakfast you ask her what she wants using pen and paper and draw something.

I certainly would have done that, had I had any inkling she was going to bail on me. I had no warning.

[gebaird]

This is understandably frustrating, especially since it's a regular occurrence. Does she often have trouble "adulting" (focusing on money, errands, uncomfortable things, having hard conversations)? She either needs to be very involved or very UN-involved, as in she doesn't have any say at all in the end result if she chooses not to participate in the process. If she's unhappy with your decision to get a loan vs. paying cash, there needs to be a discussion about it -- not just avoidance on her part.

 

I don't know what the rest of your relationship looks like, but I sense a lot of frustration/resentment on your part, at least at the moment, and that's never good. I would be frustrated by this pattern, but if it was a good relationship otherwise I would make an effort to work through it, and I wouldn't let it drive me crazy. I'll be there are things you do that drive her crazy, too. Without mutual understanding and forgiveness, understanding and discussion and compassion, no relationship would survive more than a day or two.

[gebaird]

I certainly would have done that, had I had any inkling she was going to bail on me. I had no warning.

 

But you DID have warning (her past history with this sort of thing). Just not a specific warning.

[Unreasonable]

Gebaird - She does have some trouble "adulting." She even admits she has been frozen in time on a maturity level as a 19 year old (she's 42 now). She blames this on being a stay at home mom until recently.

 

The rest of the relationship has it's ups and downs. We're currently on a slow up-swing after a pretty low down-swing. This kind of set us back a little bit because I felt it smacked inconsiderate and disrespect from her, which honestly I've been feeling undertones of for the last couple years.

[ControlDenied]

I certainly would have done that, had I had any inkling she was going to bail on me. I had no warning.

 

She said she trust you. Most women dont enjoy this projects as men do.

Be the king of the house, let her be the queen.

[Unreasonable]

She said she trust you. Most women dont enjoy this projects as men do.

Be the king of the house, let her be the queen.

 

This really isn't about that. If she had given me a heads up before it was too late, I probably would have. But she didn't so I had to wing it like an idiot, and I took time out of work for this. That's what I'm upset about. The bailing.

[ControlDenied]

This really isn't about that. If she had given me a heads up before it was too late, I probably would have. But she didn't so I had to wing it like an idiot, and I took time out of work for this. That's what I'm upset about. The bailing.

 

Share it in a non-combative way. She needs to know ... This must not be allowed to fester

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like this is "your thing" and she's letting you handle it.

I wanted to get a new deck

Her: I trust you.

[Unreasonable]

It sounds like this is "your thing" and she's letting you handle it.

Except it was explicitly "our thing" until less than an hour beforehand. I mean, it is definitely "my thing" now, as is probably any other damn thing I do with this house from now on.

 

I really, truly am uncomfortable with decisions costing thousands of dollars being solely "my thing." She knows this.

[luminousone]

She said she trust you. It is too bad she bailed at the last minute, but since she said she trust you, then you handle it on your own and she will have to be fine with the results.

 

So sit down with the contractor and sketch out a plan. Have the contractor help you choose materials. Figure out a place for the benches. The privacy- not sure what you can do about that aside from height and placement of the deck. Just take it on as your project.

 

Honestly, I think you are more angry about the deck incident than is warranted. I think you are angry about much more than that, and it is spilling over. It is unhealthy to hold onto anger and grudges. I think couples counseling might be helpful, but if she won't go then go for individual counseling.

[ThatwasThen]

So, I wanted to get a new deck, which the house desperately needs. It's 26 years old and literally falling apart. It's an eyesore. I set an appointment at 2 for an estimate, an ESTIMATE mind you, no purchase. I knew she had hesitations for getting a house loan to pay for it, she wants to pay cash, but this really can't go another year. She knew I wanted her their for her input, and she has specifics she wants with a deck (benches, privacy, etc). She left early in the day, and at 1 sends me a text saying she's going to skyzone (a trampoline place) and isn't gonna make it. He'res the exchange...

 

Her: At skyzone with the kids. (she's actually in the car in the parking lot and hasn't gone in or paid or anything)

Me: Cool have fun for me

Me: Oh shoot you need to be here for this deck estimate

Her: I won't be back in time

Her: I trust you.

Me: The main reason I have this guy here is to give ideas and I want you to be part of that.

Her: I want privacy from the neighbors. Built in benches would rock. Making it go out an extra 2 feet would be killer.

Me: I really honestly want you here I don't know why you purposely make plans not to be here.

Her: We need details to pass it with the neighborhood (we have an HOA)

Her: My Friday has been booked with (female friend and her kids) all week. (This is a lie, it was booked for Thursday, but she wasn't feeling well so she rescheduled, knowing we had this appt)

 

Radio silence after this.

 

So the estimate went miserably, I gave a vague size of what I wanted. Couldn't even tell him what material or color (this factors into price). Asked about built in benches. "Where?" "Um, I don't know, my wife said something about it". Didn't know what she meant by privacy from the neighbors. It was basically a waste of my time.

 

So after making the arrangements, and after asking her 3 times to be here when she was obviously trying to bail on me, she deliberately decided to leave her phone in the car (or so she claims) and go jump on trampolines! So she didn't get any further messages or calls from me. This made me very, VERY upset. How considerate and mature of her. Mind you she has a history of stonewalling me and being an obstructionist every time I want to fix up the house. Once for tree work, another time for a carpet estimate (an ESTIMATE, Jesus!).

 

How would you react to this?

Sorry if i'm repeating what's already been said but at the time of this response... I only had read the opening post.

 

This is an argument and you building up resentment that didn't have to happen had you just listened to that one line of "I trust you." Why did you make such a big deal out of it and try to make her, in your mind, look like a bad guy? It was an appointment for an ESTIMATE in which you could have added or subtracted depending on the colour you chose (if she didn't agree to it, same with where to put the benches).

 

How would I have reacted to this? Matter of factly!

 

I would have got the estimate and that would have been it. None of the drama. Why do you have a hate on for her? what else is going on in you life with her that makes your react so negatively to something that needn't have been?

[ThatwasThen]

I really, truly am uncomfortable with decisions costing thousands of dollars being solely "my thing." She knows this.

It was AN ESTIMATE. You were not making any decision except to get a basic price with what was discussed would 'be nice" to have.

I suspect the argument continued on and in front of your children when she got home. Yes? No? What?

 

I'm going to go as far as to point out that your user name appears to be a good choice.

 

However; if this is a normal occurrence her doing things that go against your grain then why not get yourselves into couples counselling so that you nip this behaviour (from both of you) in the bud and work to keep the resentment to a dull roar.

 

Gebaird - She does have some trouble "adulting." She even admits she has been frozen in time on a maturity level as a 19 year old (she's 42 now). She blames this on being a stay at home mom until recently.

 

The rest of the relationship has it's ups and downs. We're currently on a slow up-swing after a pretty low down-swing. This kind of set us back a little bit because I felt it smacked inconsiderate and disrespect from her, which honestly I've been feeling undertones of for the last couple years.

 

Be honest: Is this because she's no longer a stay at home mom and has a bit of a life of her own now?

[Unreasonable]

Be honest: Is this because she's no longer a stay at home mom and has a bit of a life of her own now?

No, not at all. In fact, it was me that encouraged her into getting a career, because boy, we needed it. I also have encouraged her to get and go out with friends, because I literally could have no life outside of her. We have had tons of problems in our marriage with her being depressed and non-productive. I'm not upset about that at all.

 

I'm making her "the bad guy" cause there is a pattern of her blowing me off. This was not a one time occurance. I also want her active input into this because wether she "trusts me" or not, I don't necessarily trust my own taste when it comes to decor and asthetics.

 

We've gone to marriage counselling, within the last year. It very quickly got to a point of diminishing returns.

[Wiseman2]

Do you co-own the house or is it hers? Why do you need approval if she said go ahead..I trust you and there were already extensive convos about it?

 

This really isn't about a deck estimate, is it? You sound more pissed that she took the kids out while you stuck around for the estimate...that may only be the tip of the iceberg of this resentment, right?

I mean, it is definitely "my thing" now, as is probably any other damn thing I do with this house from now on.

[j.man]

I wanted to get a new deck, which the house desperately needs. It's 26 years old and literally falling apart. It's an eyesore. I set an appointment at 2 for an estimate, an ESTIMATE mind you, no purchase. I knew she had hesitations for getting a house loan to pay for it, she wants to pay cash, but this really can't go another year.

Sorry, bud. Can't justify your angle here. This is something you want. Yes, I'm sure she'd appreciate a brand new deck as much as anyone else, but ultimately, this is your baby, not hers.

 

My question would be how genuine has "I trust you" been in the past? When it comes to renovating, furnishing, etc., I'm stupidly picky. Luckily, while I'm not into all my girlfriend's tastes, she likes pretty much all of mine and trusts me in pretty much all matters involving the house. Unluckily, I've had a couple girlfriends in the past who "trusted me" to make all kinds of decisions they didn't want to be involved in themselves only for me to catch **** for the choice I made. Which, to be fair, can be justified if it's a one-off thing and you really disregarded their own tastes, but when someone habitually delegates decisions to you only to disapprove, it gets old quick.

 

Even so, I don't think her forgoing the estimate is worth you getting bent out of shape. In fact, I'd consider it a necessary courtesy to her given that she's less enthusiastic than you are about it to leave her out of the whole estimate / price shopping phase and waiting to include her once you've actually chosen your builder.

[Unreasonable]

Do you co-own the house or is it hers? Why do you need approval if she said go ahead..I trust you and there were already extensive convos about it?

 

This really isn't about a deck estimate, is it? You sound more pissed that she took the kids out while you stuck around for the estimate...that may only be the tip of the iceberg of this resentment, right?

 

We're co-owners of the house. There was no extensive conversation about it. Just that we agreed to do it together. That was understood. This was going to be our launching point on the project, where we look at different colors and materials and sizes and shapes and features, all of which impact price (yes, even the colors on composite materials). Estimates determine final costs. It's not completely inconsequential.

 

But yeah, it's not just about the deck estimate. It's about a pattern of being blown off when I have specifically asked for help. That's just not cool. I honestly don't care if it's "my baby." If I ask for help and there's agreement to help and I get blown off, repeatedly, that's a problem. It's passive aggressive and disrespectful, imo. And I really don't see how anyone can just gloss over that, but maybe I'm just being silly. And I don't explicity ask for her help that often (to be honest, part of that is because I don't want to be let down).

[ThatwasThen]

No, not at all. In fact, it was me that encouraged her into getting a career, because boy, we needed it. I also have encouraged her to get and go out with friends, because I literally could have no life outside of her. We have had tons of problems in our marriage with her being depressed and non-productive. I'm not upset about that at all.

 

I'm making her "the bad guy" cause there is a pattern of her blowing me off. This was not a one time occurance. I also want her active input into this because wether she "trusts me" or not, I don't necessarily trust my own taste when it comes to decor and asthetics.

 

We've gone to marriage counselling, within the last year. It very quickly got to a point of diminishing returns.

That's a good thing that you are not resentful of her time outside of the marriage/relationship. Now, all you have to do is let this go because if was just at the ESTIMATE stage and no where near planning and doing. When you get a contractor that can give you the estimated price you are happy with then discuss colour/style etc together and get her to write it all down so you can show the guy doing the work what you actually want and find out how it will affect the original price.

 

There is NO REASON (other then holding onto some resentment of her for some reason) for you to be upset about her blowing off an appointment for an estimate. You can change you and how you react but you have zero control over changing anyone else if they have no desire to change. So... change you and learn to not sweat stuff that doesn't really matter.

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry but you are accusing her of having trouble being an "adult" while you sound utterly helpless and incapable of discussing options and getting a simple estimate on your own.

 

She was actually very clear and even specific about her input and therefore didn't need to actually be there to hold your hand. Want more privacy from neighbors? Let the contractor come up with some ideas and suggestions - it's their job. You can't figure where benches would make sense? Come on.....are you even serious?

 

If the estimate is not what you want or you want to make changes, then you call the contractor and make changes and you'll get a new estimate in like a few minutes with adjustments made. Not like they need to come out again for things like color, etc. An estimate is just an estimate, it's not written in stone until you hammer out definitive details.

 

Anyway, I don't think you are in the right to be upset here. You really shouldn't need an SO to hold your hand with simple stuff like that.

[Fudgie]

I understand that you want her to be there for the estimate but she made plans elsewhere and told you "I trust you". Why not just do the estimate by yourself with the contractor and take into the factors she wants? She wants benches and privacy from neighbors? Okay, tell that to the contractor. Make sure that the details will fit requirements for your HOA. YOU pick the color/style according to price and what you think is best, maybe considering what she may like but go with your gut as she didn't tell you exactly what color/style she wanted.

 

I think it's frustrating that she planned to be there and then bowed out. Yes, that sucks. However, there's no reason why you can't do this on your own, given that she told you to go on for it. You're a joint homeowner...you can make choices on your own as long as you have your partner's consent to go ahead without them. That's fine.

[Unreasonable]

Okay, thanks everyone. I still think I have the right to be upset that she repeatedly breaks promises, but whatever. I'll just have to come to terms with that.

[Fudgie]

Okay, thanks everyone. I still think I have the right to be upset that she repeatedly breaks promises, but whatever. I'll just have to come to terms with that.

 

I agree with you, actually. I think that you should feel okay with going ahead with the estimate on your own since she has given you the "okay" to do so...but real issue here is that she constantly breaks promises to you. THAT'S the issue and yes, that should be rectified somehow on her end.

[DancingFool]

Okay, thanks everyone. I still think I have the right to be upset that she repeatedly breaks promises, but whatever. I'll just have to come to terms with that.

 

If you are often acting like a wet noodle and wanting her to hold your hand over such simple inconsequential stuff, I can see how that would get incredibly irritating and how her solution would be to avoid and in this case, actively encourage just to handle it already. It would get old really fast. I think you need to consider your own actions and demeanor and how that may affect others rather than just sitting saying that you think you are right. Might get you further in life since you can only handle and change what you do, not others.

[ThatwasThen]

If your question was "Do I Have A Right To Be Upset That My Wife Is A Chronic Promise Breaker" then I would say "Yes, yes you do." However in this particular isolated incident, I think you've gotten yourself in a tither for nothing.

 

Maybe in the future you could say something like: I know you're not interested in home reno's so should I just go ahead and gets some estimates for (insert job here) or do you want to be included in that? Let her decide. That of course would go for anything that she tends to make promises to but doesn't follow through.