Love my GF but having attraction isssues

[TheMainT]

Ok here's the deal. This is a tough topic, hence why I've come on here. I am putting trust into this community by even talking about this, but based on other topics and responses I've seen, I've decided to ask about this here.

 

I love my girlfriend. We've been dating for over a year and a half. So far, I've had the most pleasant relationship with her versus any other girl. Almost no fights and arguments, she's super mellow, easy going, gets along with my family and friends, and she's also extremely good in bed. Performance wise, she's the best in the bedroom I've had, hands down.

 

But, there's this one issue. There's always a fly in the ointment, as they say. She doesn't take care of herself as well as I'd like her to. I'm heavily into fitness and eating healthy and clean. She can be too, when she'd around me. But otherwise, she's just not as aware/doesn't care about upkeep as much as I do. This shows in the fact that her bedroom is always a disaster, she, while she may not be "obese" yet, is absolutely not lean one bit. She doesn't seem to have a concept of her weight and keeping it under control. I can tell because she will parade around in a bikini as a female here in the San Diego area, with a gut that even I wouldn't as a guy. She's also the type of girl where if I don't enforce something healthy, she won't. And those things are not attractive to me. Put another way, she's a total follower. Frankly, I love taking the lead so 90% of the time, this works fine. In fact, I think that's probably why we're together.

 

But in other words, if I don't step up and make it a point to try and eat healthy, she won't. If she plans on going to the gym but I have to do something else, she'll skip the gym. If she says she wants to eat healthier but I go and get fries, she'll get fries too. She has no self-motivation to do good things for herself aside for applying for jobs. However, if I DO try to enforce healthy behavior, she often will follow me there too... Except when she's not around me.. Which is often because with our current schedules, we only see each other once or twice a week. In addition, she often will wear baggy "guy style" shirts and no makeup when going out with me unless its more of a "formal date."

 

I find the above highly unattractive. But other than that, I have no qualms with her. I still love her and she is super nice. But the feelings I expressed above are obviously there. I have tried time and time again to give her all kinds of hints... To be frank with you, I am not at all new to human psychology and the dating world... In fact, I served an internship at a dating advice firm for men. It's just that this issue is very private for me, but again it's there.

 

 

Me, I would never do this to a girl. I would never let my physical self go. Not only just for me, but for her too. Yeah, that's right... I understand it's most important to take care of yourself for you, but I also feel that I would take care of myself for my significant other. And that will never change. In fact, I am almost 28 and last year I was in the best shape of my life. I actually had "abs" for the first time and all that whizbang stuff. And the truth is, I highly value and appreciate fitness. It's more than looks, it's more than looking sexy or cool. It's a display of hard work, discipline, and dedication and those are the core traits that I find attractive about it. Unfortunately, I have to look at other girls' bodies to see those things.

 

But I want to make one thing clear. I know none of you know me from a hole in the wall, but I am absolutely, positively not a superficial person by any means. I am not a "bro" or some gym nut... I just appreciate it when a girl keeps herself up. Sorta like how I would never just stop shaving and trimming my nails all the sudden. I am actually a very patient and understanding person. As I said, I've actually spent a few years in the dating advice field even, and am absolutely sensitive to peoples' feelings and very open minded.. Hence why I'm on here rather than just making brash decisions.

 

Give me your thoughts on this... This is something I've been having in the back of my mind for quite some time now. And yes, she has gained weight and changed since we first met.

[Lauren8785]

I understand you value someone who has the same thought mindedness as you do about fitness, but maybe she isn't as high strung about fitness as you are.

 

Perhaps she's comfortable as she is in her own skin and doesn't feel or want to change her health habits. Just because you are about health and fitness doesn't mean she is going to be all about that.

 

Maybe, suggest that the two of you work out at the gym together a few times a week. It's something fun the both of you could do together and be encouraging. Once it feels like something you both can do together as opposed to her just working on herself alone, maybe she would become more motivated to work on herself with your support and encouragement and make it fun, don't make it feel like it's a "chore" or else she won't stick to it or she'll think you're trying to change her. What do you think of that idea?

 

It sounds like overall you guys have a great relationship together, why let a few extra pounds get in the way of a great thing? Just some food for thought. There must be something attractive about her appearance wise or I don't think you would be in a relationship with her if there wasn't some type of attraction physically there.

[missmarple]

No one is perfect. It would be great if we could find everything we want in one person..but we can't..at least, I don't know anyone who is 100% happy with their partner either looks wise or character wise. It's a case of advantages vs disadvantages and what counts more to the individual.

Your girlfriend sounds like a great person to be around and she's great in bed, too. So what if she's not into fitness as much as you are?

I don't think you are shallow, I think you are a perfectionist...which isn't a bad trait to have when you know where to stop.

About your issue, well, you could try what Lauren suggested but, you know, people don't change if they themselves don't want to change...and it doesn't sound like she wants to change, she seems to be happy with herself (as she should, really).

If, after a year and a half, and all her good qualities, fitness and image matter so much to you, perhaps you should consider ending things before you become more heavily involved (with marriage, kids, etc).

[BritterSweet]

If the difference in lifestyle/outlook is too much for you, then it could possibly be that you're not as compatible together in the long run as you thought. Perfect matches are rare, I understand. And you have your own set of values, your own ideas of what's most important. But she's her own person, can make her own decisions, and has her own set of values as well. Many things like being fit, eating healthy and beautifying oneself take effort, and different people are willing to put in different amounts of effort in those areas and have their own priorities.

 

In the end, what she does to her own body is her decision, not yours. So it's up to you to decide how important it is that your partner be like this or that. What you can live with, and what's a deal breaker.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you are superficial. I think your gf and yourself have incompatible values when it comes to health and fitness. And the attraction issue is like an early warning call on that.

I agree with your values when it comes to health and fitness. It's not your job nor responsibility though to lead her to a different set of values than what she has about it. If you try and change her, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

I'd like to know more about what other ways you find her to be a 'follower'. I think that trait can be troublesome long term despite what you are enjoying about it right now.

In an equal partnership, I mean.

 

As you know, the motivation has to come from herself to have an lasting impact. It's hard enough when a person does have the motivation to stay on track, never mind if they don't, it will be a constant source of friction if you try and take the reigns with that.

 

Longer term, couples tend to influence each other both ways. So what often happens is if one has poor habits, it will start to show on the other eventually. Plus there are health issues to think of if you stay longer term. Lots of stories of that on here.

 

It comes down to if you could see yourself dealing with this long term. Because you won't change her.

[Tanzi]

My thoughts are that you are completely incompatible. It is pointless trying to turn her into someone she isn't. She isn't someone who cares to watch her weight or cares too much about her appearance and I don't see how you can change that .... or even why you would want to even try. It's not that I don't appreciate what you are saying but you really need to be with someone who holds your values as strongly as you and she needs to be with someone who is as proud of her fuller figure as she is.

 

Me, I would never do this to a girl.

 

But she's not doing it TO you. This is not personal. This is who SHE is .... you can either accept that or not.

 

Everyone has their standards or deal-breakers and there is nothing wrong in you having yours, especially as you work so hard at staying in shape. However, the onus here is not on her to change or to allow you to mold her into someone you want her to be but rather it is on you to either accept her as someone whose values are different than yours or to let her go so you can BOTH find someone else you gel with better.

[Chon]

I understand you value someone who has the same thought mindedness as you do about fitness, but maybe she isn't as high strung about fitness as you are.

 

Perhaps she's comfortable as she is in her own skin and doesn't feel or want to change her health habits. Just because you are about health and fitness doesn't mean she is going to be all about that.

 

she'll think you're trying to change her.

 

Good post. I think the issue for the OP is that he is effectively trying to change her. It's pretty clear they have different values with regards to appearances and personal health.

 

For the OP, he says he wouldn't let himself get a gut. However, I think what he should realise is that most likely even if he did develop a gut, his girlfriend probably wouldn't care (different values) and still love him regardless.

 

That is a massive difference in attitude. I don't think that is something you can change easily.

[Matt3939]

Who cares she can put on a bikini and be in public. Unless she's obese and her health is at risk. Example lets say oh I absolutely love cars but my gf doesnt. She might show some interest but over all she doesn't care. The problem is you do. You are going to have to decide if you need somone also into this or if you can let it go. People grow old loose hair get overweight grow a parasitic twin. Sounds like a pretty minor problem unless it got out of control are you embarass ed to be with her in public?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are with her because she is 'nice'. But if the attraction isn't there, it's difficult.

she will parade around in a bikini as a female here in the San Diego area, with a gut that even I wouldn't as a guy. I have to look at other girls' bodies to see those things. And yes, she has gained weight and changed since we first met.

[ThatwasThen]

I still love her and she is super nice. But the feelings I expressed above are obviously there.

I agree with anyone who has said you are incompatible.

 

It's fine to love someone but love is NEVER enough to keep someone happy. People leave people they love everyday because they have enough common sense and boundaries in place to realize that the person you've gotten to know isn't going to be someone they'd be able to spend the rest of their life with.

 

Consider that before you become another divorce statistic.

 

I have to ask though: Have you given her a chance to remedy by telling her of your concerns? She probably thinks you're just as happy as she is if you haven't voice any of what you explain in your Opening Post, to her.

[tattoobunnie]

Welcome to dating a grown up woman is isn't insecure about her looks!

 

You are focusing on her negatives which happen to be about her weight and maintaining her weight. Heck, you are superficial. But that's okay - just be honest about your standards. You want a vegetarian yoga and pillates loving neat freak. Let's just hope your future wife stays that way when she has kids.

 

My husband has known me since we were 16, and I weighed 125 lbs (sometimes I weighed 110 or less) up until I got pregnant with our 1st kid at 33 (so 17 years), where I gained 60 lbs. As did him. And when I look at him, I still get fired up, even as he pounds back a liter of beer and ribs.

 

My point here - the issues that you see with her are really issues you have about yourself.

 

I bet she's a badas* and awesome. If that doesn't cut it for you, then go be with someone else who prioritizes physically fitness first.

[Iggy5129]

🙌🏽 San Diego! Hello neighbor!!👋🏼

[TheMainT]

First and foremost, thank you everyone for your thorough, helpful replies and advice!

 

I'd like to know more about what other ways you find her to be a 'follower'. I think that trait can be troublesome long term despite what you are enjoying about it right now.

In an equal partnership, I mean.

 

What this means, is I've noticed a big trend that she will for the most part, just do whatever her friends or I want rather than have her own desire to do things. She expects me to plan 90% of everything and if something I want or any of her friends want would clash with something she wants, she won't even voice what she wants and instead will do what her friends or the other person wants. This is because she is extremely mellow, easy-going and non-judgmental. It's a personality trait really.

 

But it works both ways. The Ups:

 

• She's not judgmental - Need I say more?
  
• Because she is not super opinionated/as much of a "leader" as I am, we don't clash much
  
• She's very easy to be around and not demanding at all
  
• She's also very nice and understanding in general and nobody I know has ever had a problem with her
  
  • Let these things not be understated. I truly value and love her and highly appreciate the fact that she is not a fussy girl. I've dated several of the "high maintenance" kind of girls and we end up also not getting along a lot because then we both fuss at each other about what we each want! LOL
    

   

 

 

The downs:

• The above things apparently also mean that she is lax about her physical upkeep
  
• And can be messy around the house. However, interestingly, she loves to clean up and organize my stuff (she just does it without me even asking), but when it comes to her stuff, it's a mess. So I know she can be clean. The question is, why is she not doing it for herself?
  
• She may or may not be insecure - but it's definitely not a problem. I realize, especially my above statement, may lead you to feel that she is an insecure person. Interestingly though, she is actually pretty strong. She does not easily get her feelings hurt, will push past things that even I may stumble on, and she has very little concern with me being around other girls. In fact, that is one thing I do really like about her.
  

 

 

Having said this though... It's hard to explain but I (and I assume many other men are; I am actually by far the least superficial out of the guys I know) am sorta hard-wired to appreciate looks and a girl's physical upkeep. After all, in this society, that's a big differentiating thing between males and females. Men also have responsibilities both in the looks categories and others... In other words, a girl who doesn't take care of herself physically is similar to a guy with little or no confidence - it's just not attractive. Girls, I hope you see my point here. Also, I don't know what to say - when I'm working my butt off at the gym and going on runs, spending hours and hours on my physical well-being, and seeing other women who do the same, it's just not attractive that the woman I'm with doesn't. I don't want to paint her the wrong way though. She does go to the gym often. She's always telling me she's at the gym and she also touts herself as a healthy eater and as someone who is a healthy person. This is why I was sort of misled. But the thing is, when she goes to the gym she likes to do her own thing and she doesn't "really" work out hard enough so you never really see any results. Plus, she doesn't eat as healthy as she say she does. So it's not like she is a "I like to eat whatever I want and I don't care about my health and that's how I am" type. She claims she's healthy, goes to the gym, but when she's not around me she's eating fries and burgers and she doesn't really put in much work at the gym, which means she continuously gains weight.

 

Last but not least, why am I asking here? Why is this even a concern to me? Well, because I am 100% aware of all of the things I love about this girl and 100% aware that if I were to leave her, I may never find someone so nice and easy-going again and I may wind up with some girl who looks like a model but lies, cheats, isn't as compatible with my personalty, etc.... You could say that's a negative outlook, but I prefer to view it as truly appreciating my girlfriend. Another thing - she's not ugly by any means. She has a great smile and eyes and she has a nice butt. The thing is, beauty starts to fade away at a certain body fat percentage and that's what's starting to happen.

 

I guess I just have to hope that she will change at some point. I've actually known a lot of girls who one day completely turned around and started eating healthy, working out a lot, and became happier people because of it... So I know that it can happen. This is just a tough spot because I don't even want to think about breaking up with her over this because it wouldn't be right in my mind. I'd feel like a real if I broke up with an otherwise fine young lady because of just what I've described.. But honestly, I tend to feel guilty a lot in general; that's one of my flaws. I'm very hard on myself; I really am a perfectionist in a way: mainly on myself. But it pays off - I get a lot of job opportunities, have had 2 previous high-paying careers (that I ended up not enjoying lol), and I'm in great shape and reap the benefits of that as well - my girlfriend is always complimenting and appreciating my looks. Why can't she do this so I can do the same to her?

 

Perhaps eventually the time will be right and she will either change OR the problem will blow up into something else that will make it more clear for me on what I should do about it. That's all I can ask for.

[Blue Ridge]

I like a girl with a few extra pounds, and think that one who will rock a bikini without the least bit of self-consciousness is the pinnacle of sexy, so I might be the worst person to give advice to someone who has a different standard of beauty. But putting aside my preferences, I would echo the suggestion about going to the gym together. Alternately, you guys can take hikes, long walks, and other activities that burn calories. If you begin to spend lots of time together, your lifestyle is bound to have some influence. As for her dressing frumpy, make it a point to compliment the heck out of her when she does put effort in her appearance, or straighten her things, etc.. It sounds like you guys are a great match otherwise.

[tattoobunnie]

A very good way for her to lose 180 pounds fast is to just break up with you. Honestly, you don't love her. If you did you honestly would see past all that, and love her for who she is, not for who you want her to be. If physical upkeep is a deal-breaker for you, then just break up. I know you don't want to look bad and shallow, so you keep trying to justify why you feel this way, but what it comes down to it is that you just don't deserve her. I also never mentioned that she was the one that's insecure, it's you that is.

[tattoobunnie]

Let's rephrase it this way, "I love my boyfriend so much, and he's the best guy, but I wish he had more money."

 

Or...

 

"I love my boyfriend, but I wish she had a bigger penis."

 

Insert any thing into those situations. What you need to focus on is what comes after the "but."

[Wiseman2]

You should continue to inflict that on yourself, not her. She would not have the nice easy going nature if she were an uptight task-master. Instead of monitoring her weight, looks, cleanliness etc. take a look at some of your rigid attitudes.

I really am a perfectionist in a way

[Matt3939]

I'd get this woman in the tub and scrub her down. If she couldn't fit in the tub. Or was fused to the toilet making the trip to the tub an impossiblity. I'd roll her outside and get the hose. If I was feeling giving I'd get her in the car and hose her down with the PSI washer at the coin washer. Lol seriously how would she feel if she read this? I absolutely do have respect for people who keep themselves in shape. Some don't or can't for whatever reason. There had to be some attraction in the beginning. Alot can change in 20 or 30 years with a person with you too. If she isn't gaining 200 lbs and has stayed pretty much the same who cares. Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Relax go to the gym less, have a burger now and then. Didn't you know dad bods are sexier than gym bods?

 

[video=youtube;fkBE1J_etsc] ]

[Zaphod]

but what it comes down to it is that you just don't deserve her.

 

Bit harsh don't you think? We don't know anything about this man. Neither do we know anything about the woman in question.

 

Let's rephrase it this way, "I love my boyfriend so much, and he's the best guy, but I wish he had more money."

 

Or...

 

"I love my boyfriend, but I wish she had a bigger penis."

 

Insert any thing into those situations. What you need to focus on is what comes after the "but."

 

This is on the other hand is an excellent comment.

 

OP - Tricky one. I like girls with a few curves and a couple of extra pounds. However, if it is important to you that she has a visually kind of trendy beach bod, then well there ya go. Personally I never found the beach bod type sexy really, I like 'em a bit more burlesque. I always found the beach bod didn't carry enough feminine energy for me, but that's just me.

 

You seem to be sailing in that grey area of inbetween "Can put up with it" and "Dealbreaker". I am hard pressed to offer advice, apart from just give it a bit more time and see what happens, see whether it gets worse or better.

 

Would you be prepared to go to the gym for example, slightly less, and get a slight bit more of a gut because she preferred a less contrived body than the gym bod? If the answer is no, then you can't really expect her to tighten the screw.

 

However, it's frustrating - if she just tweaked it a little bit the pendulum would swing (steady!).

 

I dunno man, this one's up to you. It all depends on your tolerance levels.

[TheMainT]

This topic has been very informative and I appreciate all of the replies. In fact, some of you guys really gave me a nice outlook on this whole thing and I like that. I think my view is also slightly skewed, living in a "beachy community" and unless you grew up in one like I did, trust me, you can't really relate. Good points here.

 

but what it comes down to it is that you just don't deserve her. I also never mentioned that she was the one that's insecure, it's you that is.

 

tattoobunnie,

 

Some of my feelings obviously struck a nerve with you. This is clear, reading all of the other responses and then hitting these two. Before you try to convince me otherwise, go ask 5 strangers to read this thread view your replies vs the others. All I gotta say is, you don't know me other than what I've posted here and someone who writes this many details about what he appreciates about his girlfriend and who is asking advice about this issue is not someone who is shallow and insecure. I've expressed a serious personal concern here and I got great feedback on it. I'm not sure what your intentions with these posts were, and you are absolutely entitled to write whatever you want - trust me, I'll be okay. But I will tell you one thing. If your goal was to make me feel like trash and hurt and really not find any solution to the situation, you partly accomplished it. If it weren't for the many other, non-insulting responses, I may actually be a little unnerved. Whereas, the many other, constructive replies here have actually made me reconsider how I'm viewing this whole thing and learn and grow.

 

You're claiming that I don't love my girlfriend. This is in fact, not true. I do love her for who she is. In fact, I miss her right this second and can't wait to see her this weekend. And clearly, physical upkeep is not a dealbreaker for me or I would have already broken up.. I wouldn't be on here asking about the situation. Plus, my last post literally just said word-for-word "This is just a tough spot because I don't even want to think about breaking up with her over this because it wouldn't be right in my mind." so, not sure how you got that this is a dealbreaker out of that, or that I'm an or don't deserve her. Let's see you post any qualms you have with your significant other on here, and I can do the same thing and attack you and say you don't deserve him/her. And if you say that you have no issues with him/her, BS, I know that would be a lie. Comments like those are what makes people try to hold everything in and not talk about issues. Communication is important. There is a reason psychologists never tell someone "you're a worthless piece of trash, go kill yourself." That's right, tattoobunnie, I hope you're happy that you are spreading hate around the world with comments like that.

 

That said, some of you guys had great points (both practical and intellectual) about this and have reframed my vision of this little "issue." Perhaps she is trying to be in better shape with all the gym trips and I should be helping to aid her by offering my assistance as much as I can. And I also am attractive to curves and appreciate hers - hence I said we have great sex and everything. And to be honest, she turns me on a lot when I'm with her so that isn't an issue either. It was more about the effort... I just appreciate discipline and passion to something, and that often comes in the form physical upkeep but not always. I appreciate all of that helpful advice, and it was worth the couple of small insults thrown my way.

[tattoobunnie]

Your post has not struck a nerve with me.

 

There are plenty of men who really struggle with their girlfriend's weight.

 

One day you will realize after getting married, and having a family of your own, your priorities change. Life happens, and perspective is gained. I kind of laugh at what you call a problem. I'm not laughing at you. Just laughing at what you're sweating over.

 

Spreading the hate? I love all men and women, all shapes, sizes, and races. Just because I don't appreciate your shallowness doesn't mean I'm a hater.

 

And no, you wouldn't be sweating over her "upkeep" and weight gain if did truly love her. I think a lot of this is really your feelings of insecurity, and you project them onto her. Instead of taking an introspective look at yourself for improvement, you focus on her and what you find imperfect.

 

Plenty of men out there who would tap your girl's a$$, and already find her HOT. And if it's not you buddy, then, someone else derserving of her will. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with preferences. But, she doesn't need to be with someone who secretly wishes she could be someone else. It's not right in your mind to break up with her, because ultimately you would look like a tool to everyone else. But you still want who stays in shape, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[ThatwasThen]

You're claiming that I don't love my girlfriend. This is in fact, not true. I do love her for who she is. In fact, I miss her right this second and can't wait to see her this weekend. And clearly, physical upkeep is not a dealbreaker for me or I would have already broken up.. I wouldn't be on here asking about the situation. Plus, my last post literally just said word-for-word "This is just a tough spot because I don't even want to think about breaking up with her over this because it wouldn't be right in my mind." so, not sure how you got that this is a dealbreaker out of that, or that I'm an or don't deserve her. Let's see you post any qualms you have with your significant other on here, and I can do the same thing and attack you and say you don't deserve him/her. And if you say that you have no issues with him/her, BS, I know that would be a lie. Comments like those are what makes people try to hold everything in and not talk about issues. Communication is important. There is a reason psychologists never tell someone "you're a worthless piece of trash, go kill yourself." That's right, tattoobunnie, I hope you're happy that you are spreading hate around the world with comments like that. (+ two more paragraphs)

I find it discerning that out of all the posts you got that you say have helped you, you took the most (or close to it) time to respond to the only one that didn't help you. Seems odd to me. *shrugs*

[TheMainT]

tattoobunnie,

 

Fair enough, I just feel like you've got me slightly wrong. I think you're overlooking the fact that I do indeed love her for who she is. My message here was: "I love my girlfriend. I just don't LIKE this particular thing about her."

 

You're reading this as, "I don't truly love my girlfriend." That's simply not true unless your definition of love means that you absolutely love every single thing your S/O always does and never have any problems, disagreements, and always see eye-to-eye on everything. Yeah right, give me a break. If that is seriously true for you, I'd like to meet you, because you must be Jesus Christ. Apparently to you, love means that you never disagree with someone, and like every single thing they do. Gee, you must either be Jesus or have some sort of superfamily.

 

And with the last paragraph, apparently you missed the part where I stated that we had great sex and I get turned on by her beauty.

 

Just a question, did you even read my posts or did you just read the first couple sentences, get offended, and start attacking? Be honest.

[TheMainT]

I find it discerning that out of all the posts you got that you say have helped you, you took the most (or close to it) time to respond to the only one that didn't help you. Seems odd to me. *shrugs*

 

You're right, probably shouldn't have wasted my time. Sometimes defending yourself when you're attacked is a good idea though.