My Boyfriend Might Leave me if I don't Have Sex Wit Him. Please Help!

[superfan]

You need to leave this guy. I know you think he's "the one", but anybody who would pressure you like that and force you into something you aren't ready for has zero respect for you and that is ABUSE.

 

A relationship DOES NOT entitle him to your body. Period. Just because he is your boyfriend does not mean you have to give in to him. Your body is yours and yours alone. IF you want to have sex that should happen on your terms when you are ready. NOBODY should force you or pressure you into (or out of) it.

 

I think you need to be single for a while to get your head around your fears and your hesitations. Distancing yourself from this jerk will help. When you find someone who is TRULY supportive of you and your beliefs then sex won't seem as scary.

 

Sex is frightening for you right now because he is NOT the one and your body and mind is subconsciously telling you this. Seriously. If he were truly the one he would support you, and wait until you were ready.

 

Maybe you would still wait until marriage and maybe you wouldn't but I can tell you this - you wouldn't feel so conflicted about it. He is not the one.

[ThatwasThen]

So did dude force you to do oral? You've been dodging that bit. That should be game over if so.

She says this in post #14

The first time we did the who foreplay thing, which was when I was 20 was his first time at it too so I know he was overly excited. But I want to make it clear that when I started crying, he did not make me continue to do the oral. But he still forced me into none the less I suppose.

OP: I think you "suppose" wrongly and not disclosing that he stopped when you started crying has started hysteria here in your thread about rape and everything else vile about your boyfriend when all he wants is to enjoy an adult relationship with you after years of courtship.

 

Seducing you into having oral is not forcing you. You are an adult not some child who is unable to decide for herself or that couldn't have gotten away from him. He stopped when you cried. Did you enjoy giving it after the initial first aversion to it? Did he reciprocate and give you oral also.

 

I agree with Iggy. I think you'd do well to see a therapist to help you undo what your abusive mother has done and is still doing to you regarding HER views on sex.

 

You also need to learn about birth control and safe sex and everything else that entails sex and sexuality in general. That doesn't mean you have to have sex with him but when you are ready to, you need to be educated and deprogrammed from the horror your mother has instilled in you.

 

If you live in North America (or any westernized country) then I'm sure there are free clinics you can go to and talk to a counselor about all of this.

[brian1024]

yehh... not very common for someone your age to be crying over giving oral, no hate to that though! I believe perhaps other than saying youre scared tell him you want to wait until marriage to have sex, based off religion. I believe he is bluffing too, hes waited this long i am sure he can wait longer leaving your early twenties when all the crazy sexual desires are at its peak, i believe he will accept the fact that you are not interested in physical sexual en-devours, but more emotional.

[Bunney]

She says this in post #14

OP: I think you "suppose" wrongly and not disclosing that he stopped when you started crying has started hysteria here in your thread about rape and everything else vile about your boyfriend when all he wants is to enjoy an adult relationship with you after years of courtship.

 

Seducing you into having oral is not forcing you. You are an adult not some child who is unable to decide for herself or that couldn't have gotten away from him. He stopped when you cried. Did you enjoy giving it after the initial first aversion to it? Did he reciprocate and give you oral also.

 

I agree with Iggy. I think you'd do well to see a therapist to help you undo what your abusive mother has done and is still doing to you regarding HER views on sex.

 

You also need to learn about birth control and safe sex and everything else that entails sex and sexuality in general. That doesn't mean you have to have sex with him but when you are ready to, you need to be educated and deprogrammed from the horror your mother has instilled in you.

 

If you live in North America (or any westernized country) then I'm sure there are free clinics you can go to and talk to a counselor about all of this.

 

 

Completely agree with this! Everyone here bashing the poor dude like he's some rapist, when actually I was kind of shocked to read what I read. SIX years and not a single time you've shared the beautiful intimacy of sleeping with the person that you claim to love?

 

What exactly are you 'scared' of? Unless you had a really rough childhood where you were raped and sexually abused, I just cannot fathom why anyone would let their partner wait THIS long to have sex.

 

I know this comes as a surprise to you but sex IS actually an important part of a relationship. You refusing to at least TRY to open yourself up to the possibility, and making baby steps towards it (such as for example handjob first, then progressing towards more intimate stuff) tells me that you dont really care all that much about the future of the relationship, what you have is not a boyfriend but a best friend that you cuddle with sometimes.

 

The guy should get an award for going this long without it AND still refusing to sleep with other girls/leave you.

 

AND you have the nerve to get upset about him thinking other girls are hot/fantasizing about sleeping with them. Haha. But then again, he'd probably do that even if you were a better girlfriend and actually shared some intimacy with him... After all, he's just a guy.

[superfan]

Sorry, but no. While he might not have physically forced her into giving him oral, there has clearly been undue pressure put on her to the point where she did something she was massively uncomfortable with in order to try to please him.

 

Physically pleasuring your partner should not be so stressful you start to cry - and NO MAN should ever put that much pressure on their partner, no matter how many years they have been together.

 

Something that people seem to be forgetting here is that sex in a relationship is NOT a right. Just because you have been together for X number of years does not give you the right to your partner's body. This guy is NOT a saint.

 

He knows full well that she is uncomfortable with sex and yet he still pressured her so hard she cried when attempting to please him. If he can't handle the lack of physical intimacy then breaking up would be the kinder option. Making her feel like some kind of prude for not being ready for it is beyond horrible.

 

OP, he does not have a right to your body for waiting this long. YOU decide when and if you are ready and nobody else. Walk away if he can't handle that.

[Bunney]

We all dont know the extent of him 'pressuring' her into it. She could just be exeggerating it because she's so hyper-sensitive when it comes to physical stuff. AND like she admitted herself, he stopped immediately when he saw she was crying.

 

She wants a best friend who's a cuddle buddy, he would be best served if they broke up (sadly he doesn't know that yet). Clearly this relationship is purely based on her conditions and wants/needs.

[Bunney]

It was obvious though that this kind of post would elicit a feminist outrage.

[ThatwasThen]

Sorry, but no. While he might not have physically forced her into giving him oral, there has clearly been undue pressure put on her to the point where she did something she was massively uncomfortable with in order to try to please him.

No disrespect to your opinion however: She is an adult. He stopped when she cried. Undue pressure? If it was that "undue" then she should have left him by now.

 

Physically pleasuring your partner should not be so stressful you start to cry - and NO MAN should ever put that much pressure on their partner, no matter how many years they have been together.

Then she should leave him if he's putting that much pressure on her.

 

Something that people seem to be forgetting here is that sex in a relationship is NOT a right. Just because you have been together for X number of years does not give you the right to your partner's body. This guy is NOT a saint.

no, he isn't but she's not been tied to his bed nor has she been held down and forced. Her upbringing is what made her cry about it.. not his actions. He's not a saint for waiting but anymore then shes been abused for crying because he didn't want to wait. She needs professional help to unteach the abuse her own mother has bestowed upon her about sex in general

 

He knows full well that she is uncomfortable with sex and yet he still pressured her so hard she cried when attempting to please him.

I think you should reread the part that he stopped once he saw just HOW unready she is for anything sexual.

If he can't handle the lack of physical intimacy then breaking up would be the kinder option.

Yes and if she can't handle sex with him she should get help because she's going to be the same way about it even when she's married for goodness sakes.

 

Making her feel like some kind of prude for not being ready for it is beyond horrible.

She's more then a prude about it, she has a phobia about it and that's not normal.

 

OP, he does not have a right to your body for waiting this long. YOU decide when and if you are ready and nobody else. Walk away if he can't handle that.

Yes, walk away and do yourself a favor. Get talking to a professional that will unprogramme you from the fear and aversion to sex your mom has instilled in you.

 

Op: You've stated

But in all honesty I just feel really guilty and very terrified.

I was scared thinking about doing it the first time as well but when I got caught up in the moment fear was the last emotion I was feeling. Most people are certainly never "terrified" of it. Do you enjoy kissing? Do you allow him to reciprocate and give you oral etc?

[greta96]

He stopped when she cried. .

 

Well, not exactly. I think the "stopped" part is just the OP trying to make him sound like less of a jerk. Look at what she said in her post: "When I let him kiss me, he’ll take off his pants and try to force me into oral. I actually cried the first six times." I could understand once, but this same thing (forceful oral) happened more than 6 times, so what did he do? Stopped each of the 6 times when she cried? One would think he should have been able to realize she wasn't ready after the first time!

 

I see nothing wrong with OP's mother trying to instill some values in her. Is she a bit too strict? Yes, definitely. But there is nothing wrong with the youth these days having a strong set of values, they seem to be lacking quite a lot lately. Also, being in a relationship does NOT give either one of the partners any rights to the other's body. Whomever doesn't like the way the relationship is going is free to walk, but feel entitled to anything? Hell no. OP doesn't want to lose this dude because he is her first love, and we all remember how much we bent over backwards for our first loves and how much we let them get away with (most of us, at least). Losing them seemed like the biggest catastrophe ever, that's why the OP is so afraid of him walking away and is trying to retract some of the things she wrote in her first post.

[ThatwasThen]

Again... I have to say that she has problems if she cries when he tries to advance the relationship by taking off his pants. Anyone who wasn't traumatized by sex but wasn't ready would leave and tell him to stop trying to coerce her into it. Can she not use the word "no" and get up and leave? He didn't force his penis in her mouth he tried to seduce her into giving it in his inexperienced virgin way. Op: Has yet to respond if she has allowed him to reciprocate and if she cried then too or she refused and he respected her refusal or he seduced her into that which she interprets as being "forced."

 

She has an aversion and whoever says he should leave her if she's not ready is right because frankly, I can see her always being afraid of it even if he waits till they are married.

 

Values and what has been instilled in her are not the same thing. Values do not terrify you. Values make you strong and education makes you safe... instilling fear is abusive IMO.

 

that's why the OP is so afraid of him walking away and is trying to retract some of the things she wrote in her first post.

I don't think so.

 

Adding:

There is nothing wrong with her waiting just like there is nothing wrong with him trying to see just how far she will go since that is the natural progression of any romantic relationship. If either of them are unhappy with the progression or lack thereof then the relationship should end. AND... with her mother having scared the bejazus out of her she should be more inclined to leave then stay and do which she calls being forced.

[YoungLadyIneed]

At this point, I'm not sure who to respond to but I'm responding none the less.

 

The first several times he pressured me into oral, I said no and told him I didn't like it. I guess he wanted me to get used to it more because our relationship had been going on as long as it had been. But I couldn't get myself to feel comfortable with it. During the other times, we stopped at some point because of the tears, yes. I cried because I was afraid and I cried because I was scared of what my mom would think if she found out and was scared things would escalate.

 

No. I don't want a cuddle buddy. I'm not the kind of person to get used to being so close with people I may consider my friends. I do want something with this guy but I'm simply afraid, like most have mentioned, that I may not be able to get over this fear of having actual sex and have him feel he wasted his time.

 

Also. This guy wasn't my first relationship as there was one other briefly. Nothing physical. She emotional. I know first hand when someone is being really pressuring and I've actually endured a lot of personal experiences that I really hate myself for before deciding to date my boyfriend. I haven't experienced physical abuse or anything like that. Mostly some prowlers and perverts. But my real problem I know is my mom. She has enforced that sex is bad. And even at my age, I'm not permitted to look at sex scenes or even other men without being yelled at. I know Sex isn't bad, but my mother has made anything to do with the lower half of the body to be a subject of taboo ever since I was a child. Due to all these post. I'm actually getting more flustered on the topic.

 

Yes. My boyfriend pressured me. But no. He's not a savage animal.

Yes. I am still very much scared of sex. But no, I don't want to keep him waiting. I don't think sex is bad. And I'm not in anyway trying to make him wait.

Yes I do want to wait until marriage because I think that's safe and I actually want to be sure I give myself to the right person. But a lot is stopping me.

[YoungLadyIneed]

I haven't actually exaggerated anything as I only said that I was pressured to do something I wasn't comfortable. This relationship is not based solely on my conditions and desires as sex as the only thing I have mention on this forum. Our relationship is not composed of more than just this one thing of course that we have worked through in plenty of discussions. In fact. My boyfriend is the one who advised me to move to the forums himself to discuss the problem because he wasn't sure how to discuss it with me on his own. I didn't want to bring such a topic up for conversation but I did this due to his wishes

[YoungLadyIneed]

What exactly are you 'scared' of? Unless you had a really rough childhood where you were raped and sexually abused, I just cannot fathom why anyone would let their partner wait THIS long to have sex.

 

I know this comes as a surprise to you but sex IS actually an important part of a relationship. You refusing to at least TRY to open yourself up to the possibility, and making baby steps towards it (such as for example handjob first, then progressing towards more intimate stuff) tells me that you dont really care all that much about the future of the relationship, what you have is not a boyfriend but a best friend that you cuddle with sometimes.

 

I have to respond here as well. I do show my bf some intimacy. I let him kiss and touch me as I had mentioned earlier. I even do it for him regardless if I don't like it or not. Whenever he asks I do as much as I can but I can't go as far to completely having full on sex.

[YoungLadyIneed]

If you have any questions about your fears about sex, and would like to talk to me privately, I would be happy to chat with you by PM. I'm 53, a mom of 4 children right around your age, two of whom are virgins and two of whom are not, and have generally more conservative beliefs about sex than the average person on ENA.

 

Since I can't talk about this kind of thing with my own mother, I do feel like I would like some questions answered or some sort of advice when it comes to this.

[youareworthy]

Hi there, YoungLadyinNeed.

 

I can see from your profile that you have not been on ENA long enough to send and receive private messages. It takes a combination of a little time, and enough Thanks/Likes to your posts, for you to become eligible to use the PM feature here.

 

Perhaps a moderator can help us communicate in a less public (i.e., less embarrassing to you) way; we could communicate by email, and perhaps a moderator would be able to send you my email address. I will look into that.

 

I have a fair bit of medical training in this arena. I also have had a lot of counseling over the years, A LOT, so I may be able to guide you a bit in sorting out what was healthy and what was unhealthy in your mom's approach to training about sexuality.

 

I hope to chat with you soon. Hang in there!

 

Youareworthy

[youareworthy]

Hi again,

 

I just sent a message to one of the moderators to see if we could communicate in some way. I will let you know when I get an answer back.

 

Youareworthy

[ThatwasThen]

I didn't want to bring such a topic up for conversation but I did this due to his wishes

Sweety, stop doing things to please him and start doing things because you want to.

 

I'm sorry your mother has made you so fearful of something that is so beautiful when shared with the right person.

 

But my real problem I know is my mom. She has enforced that sex is bad. And even at my age, I'm not permitted to look at sex scenes or even other men without being yelled at. I know Sex isn't bad, but my mother has made anything to do with the lower half of the body to be a subject of taboo ever since I was a child.

You know its great to get advice from people here but none of us are trained professionals and we can only see what you're going through but are not equipped to help you out of your present mind set and parental brainwashing. Please, if you are in school then use the facilities that your tuition will pay for and go to your psychology department to talk to a therapist about your fears. Like I said, you wait until marriage, if that's your plan but strive to get by the fear.

 

Good luck going forth.

[Wiseman2]

This is all you need to know and communicate. As long as they are your values. Your mothers fanaticism is her problem and you seem to be well aware that sex is a natural part of life/relationships.

 

This is the first rodeo for your bf also so he may be chomping at the bit, particularly if he does not share your sex after marriage values.

Yes I do want to wait until marriage because I think that's safe and I actually want to be sure I give myself to the right person.

[youareworthy]

Hi YoungLadyIneed,

 

We need to wait until you are eligible for using the private messaging system, but if you stay on here a bit, and keep on posting, you will earn this privilege soon. When you are able, give me a holler if you wish.

 

You are precious! Stick with what you want.

 

Youareworthy

[superfan]

Regardless of WHY she has an aversion to sex, the fact is that she is being pressured by her boyfriend (and apparently the rest of society telling her it's 'abnormal' not to want to do it) and that is WRONG.

 

6 times! 6 times he pressured her into giving him oral until she started to cry. He's not a "good guy" for stopping once she began to cry, he's a jerk for even attempting it to begin with, when after the FIRST time that should have been more than enough to tell him that SHE ISN'T READY and to wait until SHE initiated it a second time.

 

He clearly knows she has issues regarding sex and clearly knows she is deeply uncomfortable with it to the point of tears, and yet he continually pushes her beyond what she is ready for simply because he feels he has "put in the time"? No.

 

This is not feminist outrage, it's simple human decency.

 

OP, you have a lot to work through regarding sex and emotional maturity and I know that you care for this guy, but he is not respecting you right now or hearing you. He does not "deserve" your body simply because he has been with you this long. If you need to go to therapy to unpack the damage done by your mother, etc. then do so but make sure you are making your boundaries clear.

 

If he truly does love you he can wait WITHOUT pressuring you until YOU decide you are ready. If he doesn't, then I say walk away (I would have done so already).

[j.man]

I don't blame the guy for wanting sex not just as a young guy but boyfriend of 6 years. What I blame him for is not accepting the reality that she wants nothing to do with it. He needs to either forfeit his sexuality or leave her. No pressuring or otherwise trying to change her. Likewise, I thonk it's in the OP's best interest to realize having sex is important to him and she won't be able to change that anymore than he can change her. If he won't cut the cord, take it upon yourself.

[nutbrownhare]

The OP clearly has issues around sex and sexuality, which may need to be addressed at a later stage. But in her own time, and at her own pace.

 

However, the way to address this is not to be coerced into something she isn't ready for; whether that's by direct pressure or manipulation.

 

It's understandable that this young man wants a sexual relationship with a partner of six years, but it doesn't look like the OP is the one to satisfy his needs. And she needs someone who's on the same page about hers.

[Chon]

I have to respond here as well. I do show my bf some intimacy. I let him kiss and touch me as I had mentioned earlier. I even do it for him regardless if I don't like it or not. Whenever he asks I do as much as I can but I can't go as far to completely having full on sex.

 

This comment here stands out to me as to why your boyfriend is probably right about the chances of you not wanting sex even if you did get married.

 

Even things like foreplay sound like you're doing him a massive favour, rather than something that you both mutually enjoy.

 

It already sounds like you have already crossed one of your own personal boundaries for him with the foreplay, so it's no wonder that the next step makes you more uncomfortable.

[ControlDenied]

Younglady; you and your mom might benefit from reading this blog: forgivenwife.com

[Quasi]

I do show my bf some intimacy. I let him kiss and touch me as I had mentioned earlier. I even do it for him regardless if I don't like it or not.

 

I'm not sure this really counts as intimacy. You 'let' him kiss and touch you, even if you don't like it? Ok, it could just be phrasing here, but that sounds like you don't really have any desire to participate at all, even in these more limited aspects of physical intimacy. Do you want to kiss him? Do you want to touch him? Do you want to be touched? After all this time, if you don't want those things, you really need to do some serious introspection. That seems to go beyond your fears about sex and into even larger territory!

 

Could you be asexual? If so, that doesn't mean you can't have a romantic relationship, but you need to find a like-minded person who doesn't hold sex as very important. Sexual intimacy is extremely important to many people, but not everyone. A successful, long-term relationship requires both people to be roughly on the same page as far as the importance of sex though. If you read this forum, you will see many relationships suffering because the partners don't have the same regard for sexual intimacy, either the importance they place on it, the frequency they desire it, or the values they hold about it.

 

We may or may not have a totally clear picture on just how out-of-line your boyfriend has been. I think we all agree that it's wrong for anyone to be forcing or pressuring anyone into intimacy or sexual acts. Nonetheless, I do have some sympathy for him*. You've been together for a long time already, far longer than most people wait before introducing sex to the relationship. Far longer than many people wait even to get married! Six years is a significant amount of time to be in a relationship without progress on those fronts. Surely, he is very frustrated, both sexually and in the more general sense. By this point in a relationship, many people are dealing with the decline in passion after the fiery initial period, not still waiting for the spark to catch. . . If he proposed to you tomorrow, and you got married next month, would your fears and avoidance of intimacy magically evaporate right away? Be honest with yourself!

 

If I were this guy's friend, I would be advising him to move on by now. From the outside, it's hard to see this going anywhere. He seems to be setting himself up for a lifetime of frustration and lack of intimacy if he stays in this relationship. My advise to you would also be to end this relationship, because it no longer sounds healthy for either of you. I would suggest you find a way to get counseling and openly talk about your sexuality and your fears about sex/intimacy (note that these are not necessarily the same thing!). If you want to have a healthy relationship down the road, you are going to have to address this and put in the work yourself.

 

*I'm not trying to excuse his actions, but trying see the motivation behind them. I also have sympathy for you in dealing with these fears and in trying to navigate this relationship.