feeling stuck and lost

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. If you want to try to reason with your husband stick to facts not feeling unloved or resenting his friend etc. But what are your goals if you already know the friend won't move out or change and your husband condones /supports this?

talking about privacy and finances

[LAYAAN]

Exactly! I'm asking myself the same question. If I know his friend is not going to move out then what's the point of my blabbering?

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Since there is no action you can or want to take, it weakens your position further to just complain over and over about the same things.

 

Since you have heath ins. why not see a counselor to discuss communication skills, the strained marriage, bizarre household composition and dynamic and your fears of deportation.

Exactly! I'm asking myself the same question. If I know his friend is not going to move out then what's the point of my blabbering?

[LAYAAN]

Agree. Since there is no action you can or want to take, it weakens your position further to just complain over and over about the same things.

Since you have heath ins. why not see a counselor to discuss communication skills, the strained marriage, bizarre household composition and dynamic and your fears of deportation.

Okay. I think I will do that.

[lilypadgirl]

Hey Layaan, I think I sort of understand your situation.

 

I have a friend whose wife is on a marriage visa. His wife actually has been in the US for more than a decade, educated in the US, and got a job and was on a work visa until her firm suddenly collapsed and she lost her job and her visa. She had 30 days to find a new job or else be deported. To her, US is more home than her home country. They were dating prior to this and had talked about marriage, so it just prompted them to get married sooner so she could stay. Anyway, I mention this for others that may have difficulty understanding a marriage visa that is also love-based. From what you mentioned, I think your situation may be similar.

 

I really feel for you. You're in an impossible situation. I actually think your friends gave you good advice. Know your legal rights, as others have mentioned, you may be okay even if you don't stay married. But if it's truly the case that you have to be married to stay, then I would recommend that you first focus on getting your degree and getting a better job and get onto a work visa. (Is that possible? Again, figure out your legal rights.) Once you have a work visa, you have the freedom to think about what you want to do and in a more powerful position to carry out your plans.

 

All the advice about talking to your husband are good in normal situations. But from the sounds of it, your husband does not respect your position, does not take your side, and basically doesn't care or is too complacent to care. I doubt that talking about this would make much difference. Though it's a worth a try if you haven't already.

 

I completely encourage you to try to fix your relationship. But I don't think that is possible with X around. And I don't think you're in a position to make ultimatums until you feel secure and empowered. In other words, until you are on a work visa, I don't see any attempts by you to fix things will work - there's no credible threat and therefore no incentive for your husband to change. He gets sex and being taken care of by you and his bro from X.

 

So your first priority should be to finish your studies. How much longer before you finish your studies? Is it possible for you to just focus on that and getting a better job/career? You may find afterwards that you deserve a better life partner as well. Someone who doesn't think bringing a freeloading bully indefinitely into the home/marriage is a normal and acceptable thing.

 

Finally, I really agree with the advice about talking to a counselor about this and, importantly, get more information on your legal rights.

[sophie274]

Anyone who gets US permanent residence based on marriage to a US citizen or permanent resident DOES NOT have to remain married to said citizen/PR to retain their legal status. Layaan does not need to remain married to stay in the US legally.

 

I think it's not so much a visa issue as feeling alone, far from any support network and in a somewhat precarious financial position, and not wanting to rock the boat too much because she just can't handle issuing an ultimatum on top of the stresses of work and school.

 

Layaan, do you not feel comfortable talking to your husband? Have you had the conversation yet? If not, I would say something like "husband, I know we agreed that X could live here, but now that he's not paying rent or paying for food, it's really affecting us financially. I also feel that I would like more privacy and private time with you. Could we set some terms with X (around money contributed, whose food is whose etc) and make time for more private time for the two of us?"

[LAYAAN]

Will post an update tomorrow. Yes, talked to my hub.

[Ellie2006]

Layaan, what a terrible situation to be in

People have given you lots of good advice, though, especially about being aware of what legal rights you DO have.

 

I have seen other people with similar problems as yours (minus the VISA issue).

Most likely, your husband sees X as family (brother) and since he does NOT feel uncomfortable with X's constant presence, he may not be able to fully or clearly understand how you feel because of X. Plus, your husband may feel bad about asking X to leave when his best friend is down on his luck, re: unemployment, etc.

You *will* have to clarify that your family is now you and your husband, NOT you, your husband, and X.

 

I think you should calmly point out to your husband (talk when X is not at home, or if you have to, talk on neutral grounds like a coffeeshop or whatever) that while you agreed that it'd be ok for X to stay with you guys at the beginning of the marriage, things have changed -- mainly, X's inability to pay rent -- and so your decision has changed.

You can perhaps point out how ludicrous it is that while your husband is working extra hours to earn more cash, X is not only NOT chipping in, but actually adding to your financial burden.

 

Finally, maybe you can give your husband (and X) a time limit for X to find a job and get a place of his own.

 

If you don't put your foot down sooner or later, I don't think your husband will one day suddenly "get it" and kick X out on his own accord.

Worst case scenario, you will be stuck with X for a long long long time. This is a problem because not only is your husband using X as a "security blanket" of sorts (as someone else pointed out), it sounds like he is a bad influence on your husband as well.

The fact that he's not saying anything to X when X says cutting words to you is troubling indeed.

 

Hugs to you, Layaan. Be strong!!!

[LAYAAN]

Last 2 days have been rough. I got almost no studying done. Didn't eat much until yesterday evening. I tried to talk yesterday. I wanted to stay focused on how I am feeling vs blaming anyone or asking someone to change their lifestyle. But doesn't look like a promising situation right now.

Me - talked about eating last bits of cooked food.

Him - X comes from a community culture. They don't even have separate plates where food is portioned out/served per person. Additionally, he doesn't get the concept of food restrictions. So, he can't understand that you need to drive 10 miles to find food vs he can just step out of home and find food. I will talk to him (which I didn't see happen yesterday) and let him know that home-cooked food is off-limits. He has to ask you before he can consume it. I can tell you what he was thinking 'this food was served yesterday to everyone for celebration, so its community food. I can eat it.' Also, understand that you have eaten chips (when he placed them on the common table for anyone to eat) and sweets (when he bought those and asked me to take). So you can't now act this way when he has eaten the cooked food.

Me - I didn't take away food from him. I didn't eat food that wasn't offered to me by him. And I'm not complaining that he ate the food. I am even willing to let that go, but he should have informed me that he has taken last bits of food and there is no more cooked food remaining. This has happened twice and that's what I'm not okay with.

Him - I can tell you that he doesn't think past just this action. Don't take this personal. You can make changes. Label your food containers. See if you can keep those in your bedroom.

 

Me - What are your long-term plans with him?

Him - I don't have any indefinite plans with him. He is just paying me now from month-to-month ($400/mo) (Wow! I didn't know that and I have no way of confirming that). If I'm not paying for his food and if he is not eating your cooked food, then he is buying food for himself. That's obvious.

Me - I hope you do realize that I feel that my privacy is being invaded and I can't even sleep with you when I/you want. I don't want to come home to see him and you in the living room at the end of the day.

Him - Just tell him to leave when you see him with me next. I'm sure he will understand that you want to spend time with me.

Me - I feel that you choose him over me when we could have gone somewhere for Val. D. you instead went to pick him up at the airport and told dad that we can't go away for Val D celebration because you needed to pick him up.

Him - Yes, I dropped him at the airport, it is assumed that I also pick him up at the airport. When he called we had no concrete plans for Val D celebration.

Me - How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? Went to pick up my friend and told you I can't make any Val D plans with you because of that?

Him - I would think nothing of it. You shouldn't feel insecure because he is my friend. You are my wife. I married you, not him.

Me - Which is unfortunate. You could have married him. And I think that you should have. Because you are choosing his comfort over mine, anyway.

Him - Why didn't you interrupt me right then and ask me "No, you need to take me someplace. And you can't pick him up. Why do you wait so long to bring this up?"

Me - Because I thought it was obvious to you that Val D was coming up.

Him - No, most men don't remember the dates like you women do. I have no idea when what event is coming up unless I see it on a calendar.

Me - It was our 1st Val. D. I thought you would at least remember that.

Him - Again, we had no concrete plan in place when he called. So, I said yes to picking him up.

 

The conversation has gone nowhere. I'm not going to talk again. His friend is important to him. I'm not in a position to start a fight and disturbing my sanity even more. If I push this issue, he will say "I told you he is paying me rent. I need money. I can't ask him to leave."

Once I'm able to contribute more financially, I can open this topic again.

[Seraphim]

So he is really stuck in " bro " mode. Keep your food in your bedroom? What? And the fact your husband chose to not tell his friend is contributing money , serious lack of communication . His friend doesn't understand that people have their own food well he's smart enough to read isn't he? Watch Tv? And realize that not everybody has the same culture . That's a copout .

 

 

I am sorry.

[LAYAAN]

Another option is talk to X directly. And see if he can move out to keep sanity in his friend's marriage.

[Seraphim]

My brother's ex wife wanted to ' help a down and out buddy '. So they let this guy move-in for what was to be a few months . The few months turned out to be an entire year the guy totally destroyed their basement and my brother had to entertain his kids when he had his visitation because his butt wasn't even out of bed . And my brother's wife fought and fought and fought to have this fellow stay. Finally my brother went absolutely ape crap and told him to be out by the end of the day or he was throwing his stuff out .

 

It was one of the nails in the coffin of a 19 year marriage .

 

Friends living with a married couple typically never works out .

[LAYAAN]

Wow! that is sad! Good that he finally threw him out.

What I'm seeing in my situation is that double (if not triple) damage is being done by his living here.

- His living here is causing a rift in my marriage.

- His living under his friend's roof is keeping him from being independent, getting a good job, attracting a quality woman. Who is going to go out with a man who is living under his friend's roof? Just imagine how difficult things would get if he gets a GF and starts bringing her here. Things are rough already. And at that time, if his GF moves in with him into this house, it will be impossible to get them out of this house.

- Instead of living here, why can't he live with his parents when they really need help with his dad? He will at least get their blessing. He is anyways not doing much with his life here.

[Seraphim]

It is not the only reason that my brother is divorced now but it surely didn't help .

 

I agree with you totally it is a disservice to himself and a disservice to you guys . I wish there was a way we could help you more .

 

Wow! that is sad! Good that he finally threw him out.

What I'm seeing in my situation is that double (if not triple) damage is being done by his living here.

- His living here is causing a rift in my marriage.

- His living under his friend's roof is keeping him from being independent, getting a good job, attracting a quality woman. Who is going to go out with a man who is living under his friend's roof? Just imagine how difficult things would get if he gets a GF and starts bringing her here. Things are rough already. And at that time, if his GF moves in with him into this house, it will be impossible to get them out of this house.

- Instead of living here, why can't he live with his parents when they really need help with his dad? He will at least get their blessing. He is anyways not doing much with his life here.

[LAYAAN]

I also want to share something that may be helpful in understanding my husband's mentality.

One of his good friends recently got married. These 3 men lived together in a rented house. Fine. All bachelors living together.

Then my husband bought his place. X was somewhere else at that time. (Around Apr-2015 he moved in here.) For almost a year, the other guy friend (let us call him Y) lived with my husband alongwith his GF. But Y is a softy and his GF took charge of the situation and made him get out of this house, rent an apartment close to her parents' place 3 hours drive away from here. They recently got married. My husband still resents her for taking his friend away from him. That's what grown-ups do. They don't live with their friends/parents. They live independently and build their own nest.

[Seraphim]

Ok, unfortunately he still has the frat boy mom/child mentality. I'm not sure how you are going to fight that .

[LAYAAN]

Do you think that I should talk to my father-in-law? My husband respects him. May be he can talk some sense into him.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn't involve other family members , no. It is best to solve things internally .

[Ellie2006]

I agree with Victoria. Don't involve your father in law. And i also think it's a bad idea to confront X directly.

 

This is a problem created by your husband. He is not listening to what you're telling him.

 

Sigh. I was exasperated for you when I read the convo you had with your husband ...

[Wiseman2]

Agree with your husband. He says right now he gets rental income, but if you don't want him around nights anymore, just tell him to leave.

He is just paying me now from month-to-month ($400/mo) Him - Just tell him to leave when you see him with me next.

[LAYAAN]

Agree with your husband. He says right now he gets rental income, but if you don't want him around nights anymore, just tell him to leave.

Sorry, it may be my English, but what my husband meant was - "If you want some alone time with me and you see him hanging out with me, just say 'Hey can I spend some alone time with my husband?'"

[Ms Darcy]

Exactly my feelings! Yesterday Sophie PMed me and mentioned that my husband is using him as a safety blanket. And that is exactly what I feel is going on. My fear is that he simply won't bond with me as long as this guy is around.

 

Hmmm. Why would you marry someone who hasn't bonded with you? Why can't you talk to an immigration lawyer and/or a divorce lawyer to get a better understanding of your rights.

 

Something about your relationship is off. Perhaps you married for love but he didn't. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps you will soon find the strength to do what you need to do.

[LAYAAN]

Had a long conversation and lunch with our common friend. She brought up some points -

 

- This is not about X. Even if this was the nicest, cleanest person in the world, just that someone is there in your home all the time, would have irked you.

- "I have known these men longer than you. They are not really wrong, either. They think everything is going fine. Your husband doesn't know that you are actually unhappy besides the 2 incidents that you recently shared with him. So, let him know that. If X hasn't thought about moving out already, if you don't bring it up and push for it, it is not going to happen. By waiting it out, he won't magically get the message that you want him gone. What if he likes someone while you are waiting and starts bringing her home? What if she actually moves in here? Then you will have to deal with 2 people and try to push them out. So, I would say, don't wait to talk to your husband about moving these men out. And don't say just X needs to move out. The other guy also needs to go, or else it would look like you are picking at X. Who knows things may never change - X may never get married, never find a GF, never find a permanent job, so is he just going to continue living with you indefinitely? I'm afraid that waiting may continue to irritate you more and one day you will erupt like a volcano, end up saying/doing something that you really regret. You may end up saying something horrible to X and their friendship will get strained, and your relationship with your husband may get strained because of this. or you may say something horrible to your husband because he is not taking any action (when he doesn't even know that you have been sulking all day and for what reason)." Instead, by gently getting the ball rolling, you will be able to maintain the friendship.

- Now because the loss of rental income is a concern, you can say "Hey, I understand that you need the rent now, but I'm not asking you to do anything sudden to get them out. What I'm expressing to you is my desire to have a house to ourselves eventually and once I get a better paying position, I can work with you to cover the differences. (Don't say you will pay him that rent money) To achieve that goal, would you be okay with the renters moving out eventually? Can we take gradual steps towards that goal?"

- This way you are not giving an ultimatum. You are introducing an idea. You are talking internally with each other as a couple. You can see how he reacts to it. You are not threatening him to leave. This is a very legitimate request. You are a newly married couple, you need some privacy. And, your husband asked you about this before marriage. You said yes. There is noone to be blamed here. You didn't know what it was going to be like. Now you've seen it first hand. You think that current living arrangement is not sustainable for various reasons. You are concerned - what if he tells you to take a hike. I don't think he will say that. If he does, you say "Oh, I'm sorry to know that you are not willing to work with me here. I'm disappointed, but if this is your answer, then I will have to think about it." Then you go think about it.

- Divorce is an option, but it is the last resort when you have tried all other means of reconciliation. So, keep it as a last resort. Don't think about it yet.

[annie24]

Him - I can tell you that he doesn't think past just this action. Don't take this personal. You can make changes. Label your food containers. See if you can keep those in your bedroom.

 

Wait - do you two have separate bedrooms? Or does he mean "our bedroom?" I'm exasperated for you too. It's sounding like a common/communal house living setup and he sounds quite fine with that. I would lose my patience too. You've worked very hard to get married, I hate to see you in a situation where you are unhappy.

[LAYAAN]

Wait - do you two have separate bedrooms? Or does he mean "our bedroom?" I'm exasperated for you too. It's sounding like a common/communal house living setup and he sounds quite fine with that. I would lose my patience too. You've worked very hard to get married, I hate to see you in a situation where you are unhappy.

No, he means our bedroom. Sorry about using incorrect word.