feeling stuck and lost

[LAYAAN]

I went down to the kitchen to eat. The food I had cooked yesterday is gone. I saved last piece of cake for my husband. That is gone. He has no courtesy to inform me that he ate all the food so I'm not caught by surprise. Now, I'm leaving my studies and cooking. And not sure how much of that I will get to eat. or if I will have to cook again.

[annie24]

Did you ever tell X to please not eat your food? I think you should tell him directly.

[annie24]

I talked to our common friend and she said this -

X is not your immediate problem. Your real problem is that your husband doesn't value you. That is why he chooses him over you. (whatever his reasons are to do the same, that doesn't matter, right now.)

If you don't want to go to work, don't work. Tell your husband that you can't work and he needs to support you because that is what he said in front of all of us. If he is running short on money, he can figure out where he needs to get it from.

Also, attacking his best friend and complaining about him is not going to help. Your relationship needs to be strong. So, work on that, instead. And understand that X feels that he has more power over your husband than you. So, no matter what you do, he won't be gone soon.

 

I think part of how you should approach your husband on this issue is being clear with him (when X isn't around) that your boundaries are being disrespected now. You are the wife, first and foremost, and your needs and wishes should be coming first. After all, he married you, and not X. He married you and made a legal and spiritual declaration of love and devotion in front of family and friends. If he thinks X is supposed to come first, then he should marry X. Gay marriage is now legal in the US. This man isn't his brother (even if he is the best friend, or like a brother). He's living rent free, eating your food, listening to your conversations. This needs to stop. I'm not saying you need to throw him into the cold streets tonight, but you need to tell your husband, that if this man doesn't get his act together soon, he needs to look for other accommodations. Apart from that, it sounds like living with him is not making your feel "at home." You're the wife, you should feel at home when you are home. Tell hubby how you feel.

[LAYAAN]

I had made big batch of this food for father's day celebration. But he knows very well that I am the only one that eats no meat and if my food is consumed then I'm left with nothing.

Talked to my husband, cried, and told him about the incident. He said, "The problem is that we consider everything in the refrigerator and on the dinner table to be fair game." So I said "You know that I have nowhere else to keep the food. I had to keep it refrigerated. He could clearly see that that was the last piece of cake. He should have thought of you if not me." He said that he will talk to him tomorrow when he gets home. My husband was very sorry to hear me cry.

I have learned that I will label my food container now on. So, noone touches it.

Our common friend said, "Go wake him up and tell him that you dont care how he feels. Get the h*** out and buy me food since you ate last bit of cooked food in the house and the place where we live - almost everything closes down by 8pm and its very cold outside. So, he can get sick. You don't care. He needs to learn to behave like a responsible adult." This man is sick with flu since yesterday.

[LAYAAN]

I think part of how you should approach your husband on this issue is being clear with him (when X isn't around) that your boundaries are being disrespected now. You are the wife, first and foremost, and your needs and wishes should be coming first. After all, he married you, and not X. He married you and made a legal and spiritual declaration of love and devotion in front of family and friends. If he thinks X is supposed to come first, then he should marry X. Gay marriage is now legal in the US. This man isn't his brother (even if he is the best friend, or like a brother). He's living rent free, eating your food, listening to your conversations. This needs to stop. I'm not saying you need to throw him into the cold streets tonight, but you need to tell your husband, that if this man doesn't get his act together soon, he needs to look for other accommodations. Apart from that, it sounds like living with him is not making your feel "at home." You're the wife, you should feel at home when you are home. Tell hubby how you feel.

We have another 20+ year old guy who is also my husband's friend. He has rented a bedroom in the house. He comes here for work on Friday - thr- Sunday. X did the same thing to him. X could hear him speak to his GF so next time this guy was talking to his GF, X said "Hey, I know what you were saying last night." What????

[annie24]

Talked to my husband, cried, and told him about the incident. He said, "The problem is that we consider everything in the refrigerator and on the dinner table to be fair game." So I said "You know that I have nowhere else to keep the food. I had to keep it refrigerated. He could clearly see that that was the last piece of cake. He should have thought of you if not me." He said that he will talk to him tomorrow when he gets home. My husband was very sorry to hear me cry.

 

Husband needs to tell X to stop being a douche and to stop eating wife's vegetarian food!!! Listen, he needs to stand up for you. You're tired, stressed out, trying to work and study. You have a totally reasonable right to expect some vegetarian food you cooked to be not eaten by the time you get home.

[annie24]

We have another 20+ year old guy who is also my husband's friend. He has rented a bedroom in the house. He comes here for work on Friday - thr- Sunday. X did the same thing to him. X could hear him speak to his GF so next time this guy was talking to his GF, X said "Hey, I know what you were saying last night." What????

 

Maybe X needs to move out to his own apartment and stop listening to private conversations.

[LAYAAN]

Husband needs to tell X to stop being a douche and to stop eating wife's vegetarian food!!! Listen, he needs to stand up for you. You're tired, stressed out, trying to work and study. You have a totally reasonable right to expect some vegetarian food you cooked to be not eaten by the time you get home.

Thanks. We will see who he chooses.

This food thing has happened X2 now. The other day I made a big batch on my husband's birthday. I went to work the next day. Came home, all my food gone. I should have said something then.

[annie24]

So say something now. Maybe from now on, X needs to keep all his food on one shelf, and he is not allowed to touch anything else. That's how it was for me and my roommates in college. If it's not in your shelf, it's not yours.

[LAYAAN]

Maybe X needs to move out to his own apartment and stop listening to private conversations.

Exactly! he is a bully. He is not going to go without a fight. Getting him out without damaging the relationship is going to be very tricky. I'm not sure if that is even possible. My husband needs to get some distance in that friendship.

 

I told my husband "I have been telling you that this guy needs to watch his mouth and language. The other day he called my father-in-law's GF, "Are you a little OCD?" for her wanting to do dishes a certain way. I was upset at this. He should do the dishes or shut up and let her be OCD about the way he wants to do the dishes. Afterall, he wasn't helping out. So, why should people listen to his BS?" My husband then brushed it off saying "It was just a healthy banter." I said "No, this guy has problem respecting others."

[annie24]

Would your husband rather you moved out instead???

[jujusamples]

Wow, after reading through this whole situation, I seriously got a headache! No joke.

 

It seems to me that the real problem is not X (he is a nuisance) but not a problem! The problem is your relationship with your husband. If you are married for love and not for citizenship purposes, your husband is not really showing any signs of love. Don't get me wrong, I really do feel for you. As you described, your husband is taking this X person's side instead of yours when X is clearly wrong.

 

Your husband seems like he disregarded your feelings in every way. Not to be mean but it sounds like he's treating you like a doormat! Unless there is something else to this story that you are not saying. This story just seems very one sided in all angles?

 

Could it be that you were complaining about being at home by yourself before so your husband thought it was a good idea to have someone else live there? That's how X came in the picture? Could there be more to this story? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense that you asked your husband if you could quit your part time job because you want to focus on studying and he said no. But yet, this X person is living there for free? I dunno, it just seems like your husband just stopped caring for whatever reason. It's really hard from an outsider's point of view because we are all not there to be and see the situation.

 

One last thing, is it that bad to go back to your home country? I mean if I have to live like a slave (as you describe) It's almost somewhat abusive. I would seek some legal advice regarding immigration and get the heck out of there. Hope all the best to you, good luck.

[Seraphim]

The trouble is your husband wants to be a "bro" and a married man in the same space at the same time. Can't be done. I am not saying men can't have friends. Of course they can, but your " bros" don't live with you and they don't come before your wife. See, he doesn't have to form a bond with you if these dudes are there. This guy ideally has to go. Both of you are going to have to get a little more assertive.

[LAYAAN]

Would your husband rather you moved out instead???

I will ask him that question. We will see what he says. I can tell you he is not going to say to me that I should move out, but he doesn't want X to move out either.

[LAYAAN]

The trouble is your husband wants to be a "bro" and a married man in the same space at the same time. Can't be done. I am not saying men can't have friends. Of course they can, but your " bros" don't live with you and they don't come before your wife. See, he doesn't have to form a bond with you if these dudes are there. This guy ideally has to go. Both of you are going to have to get a little more assertive.

Exactly my feelings! Yesterday Sophie PMed me and mentioned that my husband is using him as a safety blanket. And that is exactly what I feel is going on. My fear is that he simply won't bond with me as long as this guy is around.

My problem is not just being assertive. I want to back it up with action and I'm not in a position to, right now.

If I say - choose one. Him or me. He says "I can't choose." Then I don't want to just sit home and sulk. I want to say, "Alright, then we will live separately for a while. I will give you your space to figure things out." But right now I'm not able to move out. So, that is what my problem is.

[LAYAAN]

Wow, after reading through this whole situation, I seriously got a headache! No joke.

 

It seems to me that the real problem is not X (he is a nuisance) but not a problem! The problem is your relationship with your husband. If you are married for love and not for citizenship purposes, your husband is not really showing any signs of love. Don't get me wrong, I really do feel for you. As you described, your husband is taking this X person's side instead of yours when X is clearly wrong.

Yes, this is the problem. I have felt this before as well.

[LAYAAN]

Could it be that you were complaining about being at home by yourself before so your husband thought it was a good idea to have someone else live there? That's how X came in the picture? Could there be more to this story?

If you read my posts you will realize that he was there since mid 2015. I have explained this in one of my posts already. It is not that I said something that brought him into our home.

 

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense that you asked your husband if you could quit your part time job because you want to focus on studying and he said no. But yet, this X person is living there for free? I dunno, it just seems like your husband just stopped caring for whatever reason. It's really hard from an outsider's point of view because we are all not there to be and see the situation.

 

One last thing, is it that bad to go back to your home country? I mean if I have to live like a slave (as you describe) It's almost somewhat abusive. I would seek some legal advice regarding immigration and get the heck out of there. Hope all the best to you, good luck.

And that is why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. But again, that's what our common friend suggested - if you don't want to work, you don't. Just tell your husband that if X can live here rent-free and you can support him, clearly you have the money to support me as well. You can't be taking money from me because you don't have money, but telling him that it is okay for him to live here rent-free.

One thing is that, if you think this is bad, marriages in my culture are even worse. We are expected to live with in-laws and the woman in marriage pretty much has no rights, divorce process is long, and post-divorce getting married is almost impossible. I will leave it at that.

[LAYAAN]

Could it be that you were complaining about being at home by yourself before so your husband thought it was a good idea to have someone else live there? That's how X came in the picture? Could there be more to this story? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense that you asked your husband if you could quit your part time job because you want to focus on studying and he said no. But yet, this X person is living there for free? I dunno, it just seems like your husband just stopped caring for whatever reason. It's really hard from an outsider's point of view because we are all not there to be and see the situation.

 

One last thing, is it that bad to go back to your home country? I mean if I have to live like a slave (as you describe) It's almost somewhat abusive. I would seek some legal advice regarding immigration and get the heck out of there. Hope all the best to you, good luck.

Please read post no. 4 and you will know.

[annie24]

Exactly my feelings! Yesterday Sophie PMed me and mentioned that my husband is using him as a safety blanket. And that is exactly what I feel is going on. My fear is that he simply won't bond with me as long as this guy is around.

My problem is not just being assertive. I want to back it up with action and I'm not in a position to, right now.

If I say - choose one. Him or me. He says "I can't choose." Then I don't want to just sit home and sulk. I want to say, "Alright, then we will live separately for a while. I will give you your space to figure things out." But right now I'm not able to move out. So, that is what my problem is.

 

Maybe even telling him that if he "can't choose," then you will be forced to start looking for a way out. Maybe even knowing how unhappy you are will shake him up? I hope that is the case. I get that is his friend, but you are his WIFE. Maybe he needs a reminder.

[LAYAAN]

Annie,

The reason my parents have a bad marriage is because my father consistently chose his relatives over my mother's comfort and well-being. Some men are like that. They can't choose their wife that is a new addition in their life over their friends and family who have always been there for them.

 

I can tell you 100% that X is here to stay, unless a few things happen -

- he gets a girl in his life who gets him out of this house (but I don't know who will go for a loser like this),

- his father gets worse and his family calls him back long-term (not wishing bad for his father),

- he gets a way better paying job somewhere far (he is not even looking for a job and he is not ambitious, either, he will be perfectly content in getting a job here around no matter how poorly it pays. Normally what keeps single men going is they know they will get a decent woman to date only if they can show that they can provide well. Since this man doesn't want kids either, it cuts his pool severely. I don't see him ever getting married and buying a home. You need some self respect for that to happen. He is a freeloader and as long as he is getting stuff for free, he is happy.)

[LAYAAN]

My husband is on his way home. X has surprisingly gone out of home. I want to take this opportunity to talk to my husband. What words should I use? What can I say? I'm trying to write it down.

[Wiseman2]

I need him here at night because I'm afraid of being alone and he's you're best friend whom you want to stay with us so how can we find some privacy like this for talking or having sex?

X has surprisingly gone out of home. I want to take this opportunity to talk to my husband.What can I say?

[LAYAAN]

Okay, is that it?

What about finances that you wanted me to talk about?

What about my feeling unloved because he chooses him over me?

I really want this guy to get a f*** life outside my husband. What about that?

What should/shouldn't I say?

[Wiseman2]

You sound so angry, resentful and frustrated at your husband, but if you address this horrible marriage/living situation, you're afraid of losing your visa or being alone in the house or not having financial support/medical insurance. Not sure how accusing your husband of 'not loving you' or more tips on micromanaging his deadbeat friend's life is useful.

What about my feeling unloved because he chooses him over me?

I really want this guy to get a f*** life outside my husband.

[LAYAAN]

Interesting! that now you are using the words "accusing" and "micromanaging". Getting someone out of the house is not micromanaging them. Keeping them in the house and monitoring/dictating their every move is. I'm not accusing my husband of not loving me. I only want to state how his actions have made me feel unloved. I'm stating what I'm feeling. That's not accusing.

You are the one who mentioned talking about privacy and finances. So, that is what I'm asking about.