feeling stuck and lost

[LAYAAN]

I get the feeling there is a "bigger picture" scenario going on here, in particular as regards the OP's legal status in the country she is now in.........

Yes, most importantly, I'm trying to keep peace in the house because I work a part-time job and study in the remaining time. I'm trying to take 2 exams to move up the ladder to get a better job. So, my friends are telling me to stay focused on passing the exams rather than talking to my husband and stirring the pot. They are telling me, "You talk when you are ready to take action. Otherwise, your words won't mean much to your husband. He will think that she is just going to whine and will sit still for a while, then whine again. I can ignore her whining."

Yes, I'm dependent on him for home and medical insurance. If I get a better job in the same organization, I can get medical insurance and can move out if needed. I'm paying my car lease payment regularly. That is one of the reasons, I keep my job.

[Hermes]

I think you are doing well. It can't be easy, but you have that target and you'll get there. Yes, focus on the exams, and I wish you every luck in your career. It must be galling to see a layabout taking advantage, living in your house, a parasite, living off you two and off the State. . Hard to understand why your husband allows this.

[LAYAAN]

So, recently we went to my husband's friend's wedding. This man wasn't even invited. (My husband got a phone call from the groom and invitation from the bride.) This man got dressed up, got into my husband's car, and showed up at the event, drank and ate, and carried no gift with him. Who does that?? Why did my husband allow that?? No wonder the bride didn't talk to him, at the event. I thoroughly feel embarrassed at his behavior. Even we didn't get any gift from him for our wedding. Why? Oh, because he doesn't have a job. Why are you showing up to their wedding then? You were not even formally invited. Why couldn't you use up your unemployment money to cough up some cash and hand it to the couple?

[LAYAAN]

Oh, and did I mention that this man is very blunt and shrewd. He has no filter and he has an opinion on everything and he will share his opinion freely even when not asked.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you seem so obsessed/distressed with this guy's behavior that the real issue is completely buried and that is your friends horrible "don't rock the boat" advice. You are not an illegal alien housekeeper are you? Why are you and your friends thinking this way?

 

X is not the problem. Communication with your husband is. Your resentment is understandable but not acting like a true partner with a voice is the real issue here. Stop being a doormat (like your friends suggest) and start being a wife/partner who participates in her marriage intelligently.

Even we didn't get any gift from him for our wedding.

[LAYAAN]

I think you are doing well. It can't be easy, but you have that target and you'll get there. Yes, focus on the exams, and I wish you every luck in your career. It must be galling to see a layabout taking advantage, living in your house, a parasite, living off you two and off the State. . Hard to understand why your husband allows this.

I'm not sure of the exact reason, but here is my best guess -

- My husband's late mother considered this guy as a second son and vice versa. (When this man visits his family, his mom sends different things and foods for my husband.

- My husband is able to work more hours and night-shifts leaving me at home because he knows his friend is around at night. Our home is in a secluded location. Not very many people around. So, I'm concerned of being home alone at night. My husband recently installed few cameras around the home for safety. That was the Christmas gift.

- I'm not able to spend much time doing activities with my husband. I am either at work or studying. I only go to really key important events/arrange dinners at home for such events. So, I'm not hanging out at the mall, movies, restaurants, etc. with my husband. His buddy is well-able to fill in that gap. My husband has someone to hang out with all the time.

- Our common friend feels that I'm independent (with whatever little I have right now), so I don't give the feeling of being needed to my husband. Whereas, this man provides my husband a sense of pride "Look I'm able to provide for 2 people in addition to myself."

[annie24]

I think you need to talk to your husband about this. And just tell him, you know, the agreement when you first moved in with him (knowing that the friend was there) was that the friend was going to be working and paying rent, and you were ok with that. But the friend is no longer holding up his end of the deal. This friend is not your grown child, you don't have any obligation to feed him and cover his household expenses. You guys are a married, newlywed couple. You should be having sex on the kitchen table everyday, not tiptoeing around his friend! If he isn't going to be contributing, he needs to move out. He needs to get a job, do the dishes, pay the rent. This doesn't have to turn into a "if he doesn't go, I go" conversation just yet. But rather, just tell your husband, I mean, obviously for the sake of his friend, that he needs to be able to stand on his own feet and he needs a nudge. Some people will take advantage of you for as long as you let them.

[LAYAAN]

Annie,

I don't have an obligation to feed him at all. My husband is an American and when I make Western food for him, this guy comes down into the kitchen. I can't tell him not to eat the food that my husband has paid for. When I make my ethnic food, he doesn't touch it, but my husband doesn't eat much, either.

 

Privacy is definitely a concern. I can't even have a normal conversation with my husband in living room without this guy expressing his opinion on the matter. I can't argue/fight with my husband without this guy jumping in to take his side. When my husband made a down payment for my car (so it is our car, since his name is on it too), this guy asked my husband "Hey, can you really afford it?" Who the h*** are you to try and talk my husband out of getting me a car???

 

This guy showed up on 13th Feb night, back to our home. He called my husband that he was going to land on that day and we went to pick him up at the airport. Our first Valentine's day, I spent at home, cooking dinner and this man was right there. Food is so important to him that he didn't even feel like leaving us alone???? My father-in-law wanted us to go somewhere, but my husband said "No, I can't. X is coming back and I don't want him to be looking for us at the airport." I was like "He can take a cab back home. He doesn't need for us to pick him up. This is our time. He has a house key. He can take care of himself." I don't know why my husband just doesn't get it.

 

Exactly, this is what my concern is, too. The longer he stays dependent on us, the longer he is going to stay single and without a job. When is he going to get out of our home? X even said to me "I don't want to get married. I want to enjoy my freedom." I said "You need money and freedom. I was here for 8 years before I got married. I had freedom, but no money. What did I do with my freedom? Nothing. You can't do much with freedom alone." But that tells you what he is thinking. I feel that my husband is enabling this behavior. He needs to show some tough love. All of my husband's friends are doing well in their jobs/careers, etc. Some may be struggling, but noone is mooching off him like this one.

[Hermes]

Layaan. A year may sound like forever to you now. But I think that in a year's time a lot will have changed for you.

 

I understand what you are sayling.

[LAYAAN]

Layaan. A year may sound like forever to you now. But I think that in a year's time a lot will have changed for you.

I understand what you are sayling.

I really hope so. That is what I'm aiming for.

My goal is to get a better paying job, so I can contribute more financially to the home-renovation and then lay down my terms. (If I'm paying for this house, I won't have free loaders in this house. No bringing soda crates home. No TV when I'm studying. My money, my rules. If you don't like it, you don't have to stay.)

 

Right now, I can't even burn incense in the house because X doesn't like that smell. I couldn't talk to my husband during a popular TV show (which I don't watch, because I hardly have time to watch TV) because X was trying to enjoy the TV show. So, he got upset and left. My husband took his side.

[annie24]

What I mean was, not literal feeding, but it's not your job to have this man living in your house - he's not your son.

 

I think you should tell your husband something like this, "Sweetie, I know that Joe has been living with us for a while, and at first I was ok with it, because my understanding was that he was going to be working and paying rent, but lately, he's just gotten very lazy. He's stopped looking for a job and stopped paying rent. This is difficult on me because you said I need to keep working to get us money, even though I am studying for my exams, meanwhile, he does nothing, and is not even cleaning up after his own dishes. Look - I like Joe, he's a decent guy. But he needs to stand on his own two feet, we shouldn't be his parents. If he gets a job and gets self-sufficient, maybe he can also meet a woman he can be with. But this is very stressful to me, because we're just married, and I want us to be able to spend time together, alone, without him listening to us or us sneaking around him. I would like it if you can talk to him, to encourage him to get a job and start paying rent again. Or if he doesn't want to do that, he can move out and find somewhere else to live, but this situation is not sustainable."

[Hermes]

It's a total nightmare, Layaan, and I commend your patience. I would not like to be in your position. But, patience, once you conclude your studies and have a better job you can call the shots.

 

And you know what. Just light up that incense if you feel like it. What are they/he going to do. Throw the burner out the window, stomp on it......

 

 

Your husband should NOT be taking this man's side. That's the part I cannot understand.

[Wiseman2]

And that is the real problem. Your marriage is horrible. Is it a sham marriage for the purpose of citizenship and that's why you are tolerating it until you get on your feet?

My husband took his side.

[Hermes]

Annie:

 

In any half way normal situation what you say would float. Not in this one. It's unbelieveable and I find it even surreal. Imagine how the OP must feel.

[annie24]

Annie:

 

In any half way normal situation what you say would float. Not in this one. It's unbelieveable and I find it even surreal. Imagine how the OP must feel.

 

I think she needs to start there. If the hubby scoffs, then it's time to escalate....

[Hermes]

Right on the money, Wiseman. Just getting my head around it is actually giving me a headache. It is so way out..........

[sophie274]

I'm not sure of the exact reason, but here is my best guess -

- My husband's late mother considered this guy as a second son and vice versa. (When this man visits his family, his mom sends different things and foods for my husband.

- My husband is able to work more hours and night-shifts leaving me at home because he knows his friend is around at night. Our home is in a secluded location. Not very many people around. So, I'm concerned of being home alone at night. My husband recently installed few cameras around the home for safety. That was the Christmas gift.

- I'm not able to spend much time doing activities with my husband. I am either at work or studying. I only go to really key important events/arrange dinners at home for such events. So, I'm not hanging out at the mall, movies, restaurants, etc. with my husband. His buddy is well-able to fill in that gap. My husband has someone to hang out with all the time.

- Our common friend feels that I'm independent (with whatever little I have right now), so I don't give the feeling of being needed to my husband. Whereas, this man provides my husband a sense of pride "Look I'm able to provide for 2 people in addition to myself."

 

Is it actually unsafe where you live? I have no idea where you are, but it's rare to live in an area of the US where it isn't safe to be at home alone. If you have deadbolts on your doors and keep your windows closed at night, I doubt there's anything to worry about. Would you be scared to be home alone?

 

I think it would be good for you to make spending time with your husband a priority. It's great to get ahead, and both work and studies are very important, but you really also need to nurture the relationship and let it grow and develop. That will help make him feel close to you, and not the roommate. If you didn't spend much time together before marriage and before you came to the US, and you have been very busy since you arrived, then you've barely had time to really bond as a couple. Even if the roommate stays at home, perhaps you and your husband can agree to several weekly date nights, doing whatever, where it's just the two of you? Would also give you some privacy to discuss financials, the future, anything together without the roommate eavesdropping.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie, I get what you are saying.

The problem is my husband's attitude towards him. My husband just generally doesn't have a decisive personality. He is not a take-charge person. (They failed him in his course in 2015 because of that) He will brush problems under the rug as long as he can.

I tried to talk to him and suggested that X should get a job here, there. He said "He can't have that job. I don't see him working as that."

 

I talked to our common friend and she said this -

X is not your immediate problem. Your real problem is that your husband doesn't value you. That is why he chooses him over you. (whatever his reasons are to do the same, that doesn't matter, right now.)

If you don't want to go to work, don't work. Tell your husband that you can't work and he needs to support you because that is what he said in front of all of us. If he is running short on money, he can figure out where he needs to get it from.

Also, attacking his best friend and complaining about him is not going to help. Your relationship needs to be strong. So, work on that, instead. And understand that X feels that he has more power over your husband than you. So, no matter what you do, he won't be gone soon.

[LAYAAN]

And that is the real problem. Your marriage is horrible. Is it a sham marriage for the purpose of citizenship and that's why you are tolerating it until you get on your feet?

Please dont say that. I have dated my husband. He proposed to me. I didn't chase him. I married for love. If it wasn't for my concern for him, I wouldn't be cooking and cleaning. I want him to pay off his debt. So, I'm not putting my burden on him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry that these friends keep giving you this awful advice. Speak to an immigration lawyer. Was this from a foreign bride dating site? Usually only these women have the problems and unusual fears you describe.

[LAYAAN]

Sorry that these friends keep giving you this awful advice. Speak to an immigration lawyer. Was this from a foreign bride dating site? Usually only these women have the problems and unusual fears you describe.

No, I have a degree from USA. I lived here for 8 years, just within an hour driving distance away from my husband. That is how we could date. We met through our common friend whose advise I have shared in one of the posts above. I'm not a mail order bride.

[Wiseman2]

Then why can't you work? Why are you claiming he'll get you deported if you want his friend out?

I have a degree from USA. I lived here for 8 years

[LAYAAN]

Then why can't you work? Why are you claiming he'll get you deported if you want his friend out?

I'm working. I got a job immediately.

But my visa is marriage-based and not through my company.

[Hermes]

I think the OP is working.....

You said that earlier didn't you, OP?

 

We are making the effort to understand you, and the whys and wherefores of your situation. It just seems so alien to us, and for that you must forgive us.

[annie24]

Thanks Annie, I get what you are saying.

The problem is my husband's attitude towards him. My husband just generally doesn't have a decisive personality. He is not a take-charge person. (They failed him in his course in 2015 because of that) He will brush problems under the rug as long as he can.

I tried to talk to him and suggested that X should get a job here, there. He said "He can't have that job. I don't see him working as that."

 

I talked to our common friend and she said this -

X is not your immediate problem. Your real problem is that your husband doesn't value you. That is why he chooses him over you. (whatever his reasons are to do the same, that doesn't matter, right now.)

If you don't want to go to work, don't work. Tell your husband that you can't work and he needs to support you because that is what he said in front of all of us. If he is running short on money, he can figure out where he needs to get it from.

Also, attacking his best friend and complaining about him is not going to help. Your relationship needs to be strong. So, work on that, instead. And understand that X feels that he has more power over your husband than you. So, no matter what you do, he won't be gone soon.

 

Well, it doesn't matter if your husband doesn't think that X won't do well here or there. He needs to get a job and pay rent. Whether that's at Burger King or in an office makes no difference to you, he just needs to pay rent. Talk to him about it, and really do bring up that this is best for X. Your husband is not doing him any favors by letting him slide by. X needs to be a man and man up and pay his rent, get a job. You can point out to your husband too "I have a job, you have a job, Steve and Brad and Kyle are all working, X needs to be working too, or working 60 hours a week to find a place to work, sending resumes, going on interviews, etc..."