feeling stuck and lost

[annie24]

No, he means our bedroom. Sorry about using incorrect word.

 

ah just checking! Still, it sounds ridiculous in your own home, to have to keep your food in the bedroom so the roommates don't eat it. I mean, you're not in college anymore.

 

I think your husband just doesn't know he's being insensitive. Like the whole thing about V-day. I guess he thought since you didn't make plans or said you wanted to do something romantic, he thought what he did was ok. I think you just might have to start telling him in advance, "V-day is in 3 weeks, I want us to go on a date that night" or whatever.

[annie24]

Instead, by gently getting the ball rolling, you will be able to maintain the friendship.

- Now because the loss of rental income is a concern, you can say "Hey, I understand that you need the rent now, but I'm not asking you to do anything sudden to get them out. What I'm expressing to you is my desire to have a house to ourselves eventually and once I get a better paying position, I can work with you to cover the differences. (Don't say you will pay him that rent money) To achieve that goal, would you be okay with the renters moving out eventually? Can we take gradual steps towards that goal?"

 

I totally agree with your friend here. This plan makes sense. When are you taking the exam and when do you think you might get the better paying job? Once that happens, it makes total sense to get the renters out.

[Ellie2006]

Your friend gave great advice. Totally agree with all that she said. Try that, and if still your husband refuses to cut the cord with X, start to keep records of everything. In the worst case scenario, you'll be able to prove why it was impossible to continue on with your marriage. I think if you can prove that you were in a situation where divorce was the only option, this won't adversely affect your visa status. Hope it doesn't come to that, though, and that you'll be able to work things out with your husband.

[LAYAAN]

ah just checking! Still, it sounds ridiculous in your own home, to have to keep your food in the bedroom so the roommates don't eat it. I mean, you're not in college anymore.

 

I think your husband just doesn't know he's being insensitive. Like the whole thing about V-day. I guess he thought since you didn't make plans or said you wanted to do something romantic, he thought what he did was ok. I think you just might have to start telling him in advance, "V-day is in 3 weeks, I want us to go on a date that night" or whatever.

I shared this with our common friend. She said, "He may actually be telling you the truth. According to my observation, he is not a romantic guy. He won't shower you with flowers, chocolates, and I know how it hurts to 'ask' for something instead of just being surprised with it. But this is what he is. So, (just like you said Annie), let him know that you want him to do something nice for you at least 2 months ahead of such dates (V day, anniversary, etc.). Make sure (if X is still around then) to let your husband know that you want this to be a 'date - between just the two of you'. Then if he still doesn't follow through, you can say that you have a problem. But I think that things won't get to that stage. This man needs clear instructions. After that, you should be good."

 

ah just checking! Still, it sounds ridiculous in your own home, to have to keep your food in the bedroom so the roommates don't eat it. I mean, you're not in college anymore.

 

I think your husband just doesn't know he's being insensitive. Like the whole thing about V-day. I guess he thought since you didn't make plans or said you wanted to do something romantic, he thought what he did was ok. I think you just might have to start telling him in advance, "V-day is in 3 weeks, I want us to go on a date that night" or whatever.

Correct! That's what our common friend said "I don't think he is purposely doing something or choosing to pick up X at the airport instead of spending alone time with you because he is trying to get away from you. No, I think he just wasn't thinking about that. (Which is sad, but that's what happened)."

[LAYAAN]

Our common friend said something yesterday that gave me hope.

She said, "I will tell you what he said to me before he proposed to you. You know how much he loves to get a certain small creature. Since he knows that you are not on board with that idea, he will never get to have it, but he said he will choose to have you over having this creature.

He finally proposed to you. Paid thousands of $$ to fly on a busy long-weekend to see you, purchased a ring out of his budget because the previously ordered ring was not ready. So, just hang in there. I don't think he is doing things purposely to irritate you or he doesn't love you. So, when you start doubting, remind yourself of all this. You talk to him, express your concerns in a non-threatening way. I'm sure that he will come around.

It makes no sense - financial, emotional, social, or otherwise to let go of your loving wife and choose to stay with a friend. Divorce is pricey. His family and friends like you. So, they surely will ask him questions about this. His colleagues will ask him questions about this at work. And what is he going to say? "Let go of her because she couldn't get along with my friend?" Also, if he does go through with this, there is no telling that the next girl won't try to get X out of his home, either. Again, this is how I would think if I were in his shoes. I think that this is still worth giving a shot."

[annie24]

I think your friend is right. Your husband sounds sweet, but a little clueless. I think it's fixable if he's genuinely decent to you otherwise.

[Ellie2006]

Hi L, hope things have settled down a bit?

I did want to add that while your husband does sound sweet and while he did put in an effort to propose to you, that really shouldn't give him an "out" on all the other things he has done (or rather, things he has NOT done) in regards to the "x" situation.

 

I have a feeling that he might not go for counseling, but like your RL friend said, try to clarify and articulate to him exactly what it is that's bothering you about the x situation and how you would like to start speaking about getting things resolved so that both of you can be happy.

[LAYAAN]

Hi Ellie,

Well, not really. I was busy for last 2 days at work full-time and was down on energy due to too much thinking and crying. My husband was home with his buddy. I didn't say anything. I have learned not to open any topic/discuss anything beyond mundane, everyday stuff with my husband when his buddy is around (His buddy jumps into the conversation with his opinion and I don't like it. We are husband and wife, we will figure it out somehow. You can't jump in and shoot my opinion down/take sides.).

 

Our common friend is pushing me to open my mouth and talk to my husband without any further delay. The earliest opportunity to do so will be Tuesday. X will be going somewhere that day. I'm really not sure how it is going to go. I have been going back and forth because I'm not sure if this is the right time or I should wait to open this topic until I have passed at least 1 of my exams. She says "The longer you wait, the more irritable you are going to get. You will start acting strange (because you don't want to speak and you can't really hide what you are feeling either). You will push him away and he will push you away, in return. I'm afraid that by waiting even longer, you will do more damage to your relationship and drive it to a point where no reconciliation can happen. By speaking now, you are not going to be any more anxious about this situation than you already are. If anything, you will get some insight and then we can think about what we can do next. I am also willing to talk to both of them separately and provide my perspective, but you need to talk first otherwise it may look like an intrusion of privacy. Probably, your conversation with him (on those 2 incidents) reached nowhere because you only presented problems. Men see that as empty complaining. This time, when you speak about your desire (not the problem) and how you want to achieve it, you are also providing a solution. So, I think he will be more receptive to it."

 

You are right Ellie. I don't think I can take him to counseling. I agree with you - just because he was sweet before marriage, doesn't mean he can be careless/insensitive now.

 

I'm still not sure on when to talk. On one hand I agree with our friend that the longer I delay talking, the more irritable and become distant I will become (I have been staying out of home especially when both of them are home), on the other hand - I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle the response I would get after I open my mouth.

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday, I took all my cooked food and separated it into 2 containers. Kept 1 container in our bedroom and took other to work with me.

Today, I cooked early AM and have kept the pot in our bedroom.

[lostandhurt]

Reading your other posts it seems you family was pushing you towards and arranged marriage and you were also on sites to meet men to marry correct?

 

So you meet your husband and travel to America I am guessing and get married. I am not putting you down, just trying to get clarity.

 

I work with a couple of guys that have been divorced a few times and decided marrying an internet bride would solve their problems because as they put it "They aren't like American woman and do what the man of the house wants like in their home country"

 

Do you think your husband has this attitude? Do you feel like he has the upper hand and you are totally dependent on him? He may have certain expectations and be misinformed on the kind of wife you intend on being. It sounds like you want to independent and strong, not dependent and weak.

 

This may be some of the reason he doesn't feel like what is going on is a bad thing and why he takes the free loaders side in everything. Since you unknowingly approved of the friend living there before you had all the facts he is probably going to keep it status quo until something causes things to change.

 

By the way the guys I work with that THOUGHT they were going to get a Yes Wife that would serve their every whim have had to adjust their attitudes. What they thought was going to happen didn't turn out the way they talked.

 

Just because you don't pay the mortgage or pay half of the bills doesn't mean you don't have a voice in what happens in your home, and IT IS YOUR HOME TOO!!! Your relationship should have balance but the way you describe it he has all the power, then comes the free loader and then you. Nice, sweet or naïve he may be this isn't right.

 

Have you ever had a boundaries talk with your husband? Has there been any talk about a timeline for the free loader to move out?

 

Lost

[LAYAAN]

Hello Lost,

Thanks for your reply. It is always good to get a man's point-of-view.

No, this is not an arranged marriage. We dated before when I was here and I left him then because (in addition to many uncertainties) he wanted to date for longer than what I was comfortable with (So, that should tell him that I won't be a Yes wife). He got back in touch with me. Was consistent, proposed, and wanted to get married. He did all this on his own.

For as long as he has known me - I have been working, studying, saving from my small income for rainy day. So, he knows that I don't want to be dependent on him. I even told him, once I get a better job, I will be happy to take upon bills, but if he wants me to share mortgage, he has to put my name on the house. I haven't looked into the legal aspect of it because I'm not making enough for that. But even with my small income - I'm paying my own cards, books, car payment and insurance, cat (food, litter, etc.). So, given all this, I'm sure he knows that I won't be a 'Yes' wife.

Only recently, I gathered courage to talk to him about 2 incidents and how I felt about those. (and I'm sure you must have read how that conversation went down)

No, there has been no talk about timeline to get his friend out. Our common friend wants me to address it right away, but I've been hesitant.

[Seraphim]

Honey, you are his WIFE whether you make $1 or 1 million and you should be respected as such. This X is trying to break you up.

 

When making the deal for X to stay with you guys there should've been an exact time line as to when Xwas going to leave. And there should be one now too.

[LAYAAN]

Honey, you are his WIFE whether you make $1 or 1 million and you should be respected as such. This X is trying to break you up.

As annoying it is to have him around, he has played a big role in talking to my husband about reconnecting with me because he is my husband's best friend. X told me himself "Of all the GFs that he has had, he has been the happiest with you." So, I don't think that he is trying to break us up.

 

 

When making the deal for X to stay with you guys there should've been an exact time line as to when Xwas going to leave. And there should be one now too.

No, they had stayed together before. It was a bachelor pad. X was somewhere else and mid-2015 he moved in with my husband. It was before we got married. When I talked to my husband about his long-term plan with X, I know that there is no plan as such.

[Seraphim]

I think the problem is that this was a bachelor bro pad. Is there anyway you guys can move to a place that is your own?

[LAYAAN]

I think the problem is that this was a bachelor bro pad. Is there anyway you guys can move to a place that is your own?

This is my husband's house. He pays mortgage on it.

He told me that he wants to make this a vacation home, but that will be in future. Once I get a better job, once he moves up the ladder - we will see where our jobs are and may decide to move based on our income then. He has talked about this. But given our jobs right now, putting this home on market is not possible.

[Seraphim]

Ok, but see how this became a territorial issue? Because it was a bro pad before this X feels he has superior territorial issue? And now that you are there he doesn't like his new position. And your husband is not assertive enough to tell him that you are his wife and back down.

[LAYAAN]

Even if it wasn't a bachelor pad before, I suspect that my husband will tell him to back down. He is his 'bro' and he can do no wrong and he comes before his wife.

Everyone is telling me not to talk about how X chooses to live his life. I think that my husband is keeping him dependent on him by not pushing him to be independent, by not telling him "Hey, you go where you get a better job. Don't live here with me because it convenient for both of us. Go out, meet people, meet women. Keep making an effort. You are better than this." I would have said that to my friend/sister.

[lostandhurt]

There is a lot of uncertainty for you. You have no idea how long this is going to continue so you are rightfully bothered by the situation. If you knew in 6 months X was moving out then it would be easier I would guess.

 

It sounds like the bachelor pad is still there, you just moved into it.

 

I think you need to start going for walks with your husband so you can both connect alone (X sounds way to lazy to join you on a walk) and talk about the future. When the time is right slip in your feelings about the current situation and ask straight out how long X is staying in "OUR HOUSE". Be sure to phrase it as our house.

 

Lost

[Seraphim]

Personally, I don't think you should accept just being part of the bachelor pad as Lost puts it. This needs to be dealt with.

[annie24]

Even if it wasn't a bachelor pad before, I suspect that my husband will tell him to back down. He is his 'bro' and he can do no wrong and he comes before his wife.

Everyone is telling me not to talk about how X chooses to live his life. I think that my husband is keeping him dependent on him by not pushing him to be independent, by not telling him "Hey, you go where you get a better job. Don't live here with me because it convenient for both of us. Go out, meet people, meet women. Keep making an effort. You are better than this." I would have said that to my friend/sister.

 

What do X's parents say?

 

From the perspective of X, if he's paying $400 a month (or whatever), then what he does is his own business. (But he's not even paying rent right now so I guess the point is moot!) I like the idea of walks with your hubby to talk and connect. I hope there is a plan to move the "bros" out soon. I couldn't imagine getting married and living in that situation unless it was very short term. Or if I was a swinger, lol.

[Wiseman2]

They were friends long before you got there and if your husband wanted him out that would have happened. Your husband is not annoyed by or trying micromanaged this guys life. also you initially agreed claiming you were afraid to be in the house alone at night, so wanted him there and also you had no job and this guy was paying rent.

 

I agree that complaining about this friend will get you nowhere.

Everyone is telling me not to talk about how X chooses to live his life.

[LAYAAN]

What do X's parents say?

 

From the perspective of X, if he's paying $400 a month (or whatever), then what he does is his own business. (But he's not even paying rent right now so I guess the point is moot!) I like the idea of walks with your hubby to talk and connect. I hope there is a plan to move the "bros" out soon. I couldn't imagine getting married and living in that situation unless it was very short term. Or if I was a swinger, lol.

I have no idea what his parents say about him. I guess, this is better of their other 2 sons who are/were under home-arrest for something. So, they probably have no complaints of this guy.

He comes from a very poor family and the kind of lifestyle that he gets to maintain here is way above what he can afford living with his family/on his own. He gets to eat at decent restaurants with my husband/family, gets to eat fine cuisine at my father-in-law's place several times a month (my father in law loves to cook and invite us over), consume decent alcohol free-of-cost, take road trips with the family at least once a year and live at lake-front properties. So, you can understand why he is reluctant to move out.

Our common friend's husband said the same "Unless you have some threesome going on, I don't understand why you want to put up with this living arrangement? May be people around you are not saying it, but I'm sure they have wondered about it."

[LAYAAN]

Wiseman,

Yes, if I complain about his friend, it does a couple of things:

- Everything I suggest is viewed in the light of "Oh, she doesn't like him, so she just wants to get rid of him."

- Noone likes to be told that they are friends with a loser, a freeloader. So, my husband immediately puts up a wall.

- It may suggest that if X gets a better job, starts paying more rent, stops bringing junk food home, etc. she will get off his case and be okay with his living here. (which is not true. X is not a project I want to work on. He is not my brother/friend.)

When I got some time to think about what I was feeling, I realized that by complaining about his friend, my husband won't be receptive to what I've to say.

The only way I can get my husband to listen to my message is by focusing on us and my feeling like this is my home - us growing closer as a couple, my feeling free while having sex, my ability to move around in the house wearing skimpiest clothes, my ability to fall asleep on the couch in the living room, my ability to burn any incense I want, my ability to suggest watching a different channel to my husband (if it is just the 2 of us watching TV), my ability to tell my husband to turn down the volume if I'm trying to study, our working together in the kitchen/yard, our soaking in the bathtub together, etc. And I can't do most of these because when my husband is home with his friend, they are playing video games or going to junk food places and to get him to spend alone time with me is difficult. It feels like I'm always pulling him away from X and I feel like I've to compete with X for attention from my husband.

And I know what my husband's defense is - 1) You can do all of that even now, just tell him to go to his room. 2) I'm getting rent money. What is going to happen to that? 3) Who is going to keep me company when I'm home alone and you are at work. I'm trying to prepare response for that.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you've discussed this quite thoroughly. unless you provide income and aren't afraid of being alone 2 and 3 are tough arguments. As far as privacy, if he's there to help out financially and keep you company at night, then there's less privacy.

1) You can do all of that even now, just tell him to go to his room. 2) I'm getting rent money. What is going to happen to that? 3) Who is going to keep me company when I'm home alone and you are at work.