We are 17 years apart..... Advice Needed.

[electricorchid]

I never ever thought in a million years this would happen to me, but I met

a man who is 17 years older than me on a dating app. And because I had always had this weird fantasy with

seeing older men, I went on a date with him and he treated me to an amazing expensive dinner

and we went out after that.

 

Tonight he invited me to go a museum and then dinner after as well.

He's older, sophisticated, yet young at heart and working in the same industry as i am

we got along great, had a really good time together but I'm hitting myself in the head

because I guess I didnt expect this to happen and it all happened.. My friends already think its 1. strange

but 2. that I should have fun in the mean time

 

However, this is somebodys feelings here Im dealing with,

and I cant just lay back and relax and have fun when in his head it could lead to more..

I defenitly got looks in the bar we went to, and at the restaurant but I tried not care,

because I know I look way younger than him. Another HUGE factor is that My parents would NOT ever approve.

I genuinely like this guy, but i cant seem to move past the age factor and I dont know if telling him that would hurt his feelings.

I also wouldnt like getting the reputation as a gold digger.... No thanks.

 

 

Need advice on how to politely end things.

[Clinton]

How old are you? How old is he? If you're worrying about your parents, then I'm guessing fairly young?

 

May December romances can occasionally work. Most often, they fall apart as the age gap becomes more of a problem. The younger partner usually wanting to be more active, the older more sedentary.

 

So tell him kindly that you just don't feel chemistry and you'd like to keep it at a friendship level and find someone more age appropriate.

[DancingFool]

Hi Bob, thank you for a great time and lovely dates, unfortunately I've realized that I'm looking for something different. Best of luck to you in meeting the right girl.

 

Oh and don't promise to be friends or leave him hanging on hope.

[Wiseman2]

Agree that leading him on is not a good idea. Honesty is the best policy. You could say your life stage and goals are too different.

Need advice on how to politely end things.

[ThatwasThen]

Definitely don't say anything about being friends. He isn't on a dating sight to meet platonic friends. At this point you don't even know if he's into you enough to want another date past the one he's now asked you on so go on the date if you want and just do nothing until he asks you out again and when/if he does that, you simply tell him that you didn't feel a connection with him and wish him good luck in his dating. Then you don't bother with him again.

If you don't want to accept the date he's now asked you on then just don't accept the date and just give him the speech now. You don't owe him anything more then that at this point.

 

Sorry... edited for sentence structure.

[Zaphod]

So in other words, great guy in every way. Everything sounds good.

 

Yet he happens to be older so you're ditching the whole thing?

 

I guess that's your decision. Personally I find it rather ageist, to be honest. Why not give him a chance? Is there any other reason you want to end it apart from the age thing?

 

Remember that in the past, people have got funny looks and disapproving looks for dating people of different races, for example. We're past that now in society, and I think we ought to work towards irradicating this ageism as well.

 

Your friends think it's strange because they are socially conditioned to think that way. There is no logic behind it.

 

I guess it's up to you to decide what's important. Maintaining a relationship in the face of disapprovement can be difficult, but screw 'em. Do what makes you happy. If your friends don't approve, then maybe wonder about how good of friends they really are? Having said that, they have encouraged you to have a bit of fun. I also think you should.

 

Do you want to be kicking yourself at a later date for passing up a great guy just because through no fault of his own he was born in an earlier year than you?

 

I say go for it. You only live once.

[Zaphod]

I also wouldnt like getting the reputation as a gold digger.... No thanks.

 

You seem more concerned about your image than your happiness.

 

Why would you get a reputation as a gold digger? Is he particularly rich?

[electricorchid]

How old are you? How old is he? If you're worrying about your parents, then I'm guessing fairly young?

 

I'm 22, hes 39..... thats almost 40 years old.

[electricorchid]

You seem more concerned about your image than your happiness.

 

Why would you get a reputation as a gold digger? Is he particularly rich?

 

You're absolutely right While I agree with you..., I typically dont care about my image, but i do care what my parents think..

and my parents would find this beyond ridiculous. He's well connected and is loaded... yes....

[Wiseman2]

To be honest his station in life doesn't matter. While this may have been an interesting adventure, what does matter is are you a toy for him and do you want a future with a guy who's on the same page?

He's well connected and is loaded... yes....

[reinventmyself]

You don't need to mention the age.

Just tell him that it isn't a `love connection' and move along.

[lostandhurt]

If he had just average income would you have dated him at all?

 

He knows how old he is and that is why he is spending that kind of money on you for dates. He may be hoping that you are a gold digger and will stay around.

 

Just call him up and tell him that you had a great time but the age difference is just to great. He won't be shocked that it is the reason you no longer want to see him.

 

Be straight with the guy, he will appreciate it.

 

Lost

[Zaphod]

You're absolutely right While I agree with you..., I typically dont care about my image, but i do care what my parents think..

and my parents would find this beyond ridiculous. He's well connected and is loaded... yes....

 

I'm afraid that you can't let your parents dictate your happiness. They lost that right when you turned 18.

 

Having said that, it's up to whether you value your parents' opinion more than being able to see this guy. As I've mentioned before, people often get this problem with their parents when entering into mixed race relationships, or long distance relationships.

 

I don't believe we should choose our partners to please our parents.

 

Why would your parents find this ridiculous, anyway? Simply because of the age gap? Perhaps back them into a corner logically and ask them why they might think this?

 

This guy is reasonably well off, has treated you well. He sounds like a great guy. Hopefully your parents would see that.

[Zaphod]

what does matter is are you a toy for him

 

To be fair, we have no evidence of this so far. He may actually genuinely like her, perfectly possible, She is a person, after all.

 

Just call him up and tell him that you had a great time but the age difference is just to great.

 

Too great for what, exactly?

[electricorchid]

To be fair, we have no evidence of this so far. He may actually genuinely like her, perfectly possible, She is a person, after all.

 

 

 

Too great for what, exactly?

 

Thankyou for that. Yeah, Its too early to tell If he sees me that way..

but I really dont think he doesnt.. thats not the vibe i got from him after he explained

he broke up with his gf of 3 years and she was 24

 

He seems like a relationship type of man

[ParisPaulette]

This is a tough one, BUT if you aren't feeling it for whatever reason it's better to stop things now then let them progress and he really gets hurt. If you think it's a problem then it's a problem. It already doesn't matter what anyone says, because you will always have a problem when someone wants to complain about his age. Or you do or you have any conflicts with him or.or.or.

 

Never start something with someone when you already have a preconceived notion of problems for something they can't control. In this case, I think the guy's a bit foolish to be dating much younger women, because yeah of course he's going to get some crap for it. That's not the point here.

 

The point is sooner or later I think you'll side with whoever is giving him that crap AND that's the problem.

 

Let him go, don't date guys that are older than you, grow into being able to make your own choices based on what you want.

 

P.S. I will tell you this, there will always be someone unhappy with a choice you make in life. That's just life, it doesn't matter what it is, somewhere out there someone is gonna be unhappy with you.

 

But being able to say and feel that what someone else says doesn't matter is up to you, not anyone else. You either get there or you don't. If his age is an issue then I'm not sure why you're even posting here, you should be able to just make a choice and not waffle. It's not like you're going to destroy him anyways it's been one date.

[Zaphod]

Thankyou for that. Yeah, Its too early to tell If he sees me that way..

but I really dont think he doesnt.. thats not the vibe i got from him after he explained

he broke up with his gf of 3 years and she was 24

 

He seems like a relationship type of man

 

If you put aside completely the concept of what other people think for a minute, then how do you honestly feel about this man?

[Ms Darcy]

If he had just average income would you have dated him at all?

 

He knows how old he is and that is why he is spending that kind of money on you for dates. He may be hoping that you are a gold digger and will stay around.

 

Just call him up and tell him that you had a great time but the age difference is just to great. He won't be shocked that it is the reason you no longer want to see him.

 

Be straight with the guy, he will appreciate it.

 

Lost

 

That's a good question. Similarly, if she wasn't as young as she is, would he have dated her?

 

I am sort of curious OP. Would you be up for a discrete (as in you just don't go outside of the house with him) fling with the guy as long as he is okay with that?

[abitbroken]

Thankyou for that. Yeah, Its too early to tell If he sees me that way..

but I really dont think he doesnt.. thats not the vibe i got from him after he explained

he broke up with his gf of 3 years and she was 24

 

He seems like a relationship type of man

 

Okay - if you guys met as colleagues and he normally dated women late-30s and up, and you guys just had this connection and he made an exception to date a woman that was much younger, then I would have a different opinion - there have been situations where two adults have met and were truly a match. In this case, though, if he is a man in his later 40s consistently going for women in their early 20s - he might be getting his kicks. If he wants kids, there are women more appropriate for him to date (women in their 40s who want to adopt, women in their 30s) that wouldn't be someone as far apart life experience wise). I have a relative who dated consistently women 15-20 years younger than him (the gap was wider as he got older - he seemed to meet 19-20 year old women and when they wised up and were 22-28, he threw them back in the sea and went after another 19-20 year old. He finally is dating someone closer to his age. But the reason he did is because he felt he was dating someone with a young hot bod and was also a little controlling and felt younger women were naive and women his age thought he was too immature.

 

I am very leery of a man wining and dining me so lavishly in the beginning - sometimes its a lack of boundaries - the man who wants simple dates to not reveal his wealth before he knows someone or just wants to get to know someone sincerely even if he is a pauper will not be so lavish.

 

It is up to you - if you can also date men closer to your age (25 and under) - and keep this occasional and casual and make it clear that you are just dating and not exclusive - and you both enjoy the conversations and company - then okay - but you need to be clear with him. But it honestly sounds that if he is being lavish that he is looking for more. I would, like was said before, be clear with him - and I disagree that you shouldn't mention age. It is okay here to say that you really enjoy your conversations but you feel he is looking for more of a relationship than you are and that you do feel you are at different spots in life/the age difference, etc.

[lostandhurt]

He likes trophy girlfriends and that is what his money affords him. We see it all the time and in the back of our minds we think "If that old dude wasn't loaded she wouldn't have anything to do with him"

 

Correct me if I am wrong but you are not looking to marry and start a family with a 40 yr old guy are you? It sounds like you just want to have fun and that this "thing" will end at some point.

 

If you have to hide it from friends and family then why do it?

 

Lost

[electricorchid]

He likes trophy girlfriends and that is what his money affords him. We see it all the time and in the back of our minds we think "If that old dude wasn't loaded she wouldn't have anything to do with him"

 

Correct me if I am wrong but you are not looking to marry and start a family with a 40 yr old guy are you? It sounds like you just want to have fun and that this "thing" will end at some point.

 

If you have to hide it from friends and family then why do it?

 

Lost

 

Really good point. Thankyou

[electricorchid]

If you put aside completely the concept of what other people think for a minute, then how do you honestly feel about this man?

 

I'm shocked Im even saying this

but I really like him. Genuinely.

 

Someone on this forum asked me earlier if money wasn't in the picture would i still like him, and my answer to that is no.

ONLY Because, with huge success comes money.. and with success also comes experience, work ethic.. etc.. And I find his life experiences and interests and his job to be interesting and

everything that is apart of him now is what makes him so likable and as the whole packageis interesting. What im trying to say is the money is a plus..

but his job naturally makes so much money that if he didnt have his job, he wouldn't be exactly who he is right now.. with all that he is, and has to say... I like it all.

[abitbroken]

if he didnt have his job, he wouldn't be exactly who he is right now.. with all that he is, and has to say... I like it all.

 

Yes he would be. People are the same person whether they take job path A or Job Path B. They have the same amount of integrity, character, etc, going into both. They just have more or less "stuff". You like the fact that he might be a bit of a sugar daddy. Its okay to admit it, but its also good to recognize that your interest is also as superficial as his is - just in different ways.

[Hermes]

Leaving aside any other considerations voiced here I am utterly perplexed that anyone would be considered "old" at 39 LOL. And 17 years is not IMO a big age difference, at all.

My father was almost 40 when he married my mother (first and only marriage for both of them). And that was back then. And they had a family, no problem. A man does not become decrepit at 40, 50 or 60.....

Nowadays 40 is considered young.

[electricorchid]

Ok, I agree with you . in GENERAL terms 40 is not old... But for me however it is. Dating wise, its a lot older than Im used to.