I talked to my ex last night...

[Cynder]

So, to anyone who doesn't know the back story... Ex and I were together four years. On February 20 he asked me for time apart so we could work on ourselves.

 

Since then he has told me that he hopes we get back together several times, but that it will have to be when the time is right.

 

His birthday was in late March, and we were going to see each other then, but decided against it because neither of us thought we could handle it. But we did talk on the phone for his birthday. We talked for two hours... and during that conversation I suggested we meet up this coming weekend. I am working at a festival near where he lives this weekend and thought maybe we could get together and have dinner.

 

So last night I texted him and asked him if he still wants to do that. He asked what day/time, etc. I told him when I am working, and when might be a good time for us to meet. I was texting him while at work (I mean I was at work) so I asked if I could just call him on my lunch break.

 

So we talked on my break. Since we last talked, he found a job. (He was unemployed for most of our relationship. I was really excited to hear this... until it became obvious he hates the job. He is doing project management... something I could never imagine him doing. He is a really introverted, quiet person. He said he is having to hire a whole team of people to work under him and everything. I could tell on the phone that he is miserable working this job. He sounded so exhausted and bitter.

 

But... here is a little background on his work history. He was 27 years old before ever having a job that wasn't working for his parents. And at that job, even thought he was supposed to be there from 9-5 every day, he pretty much came and went as he pleased, drank on the job (they all did at this company.) And his co workers complained about him the way he dressed and that his feet stunk really bad. And even though people were lighting incense and scented candles in the office, he still insisted on working with his shoes off.

 

So... in all fairness maybe he is miserable at this job because it requires him to act like an adult, be on time, follow a dress code, etc.

 

But anyway... I told him on the phone that I am honestly not sure if I am ready to see him without getting emotional. He told me he is anxious about it too... as in feeling anxiety, not like anxious looking forward to it. I asked him what he is afraid will happen. He told he he's afraid I will get mad at him or start to cry. I told him I'm not going to get mad at him. I have no reason too, but chances are I will cry at some point. I told him how much I still love and miss him and how much I still feel the loss every day.

 

I said I won't pressure him into doing anything he doesn't want to do. During the conversation he made some comments that sounded like he does want to do it, but also doesn't. So he is just as on the fence as I am, I guess. He told me again last night that he still hopes we get back together, even if it feels like it's a long way off.

 

So, since he has to get up really early now for work, he was going to get ready for bed when we were ending it. I told him we don't have to decide anything now, we can talk again later on in the week. He was fine with that. We said good night to each other, and that was it.

 

I have so many mixed feelings... I really do want to see him, but I also don't. I always feel worse after I talk to him... and I can't even explain why... I still love him so much and I want him back so bad.

[Clinton]

Cynder, you've charted a course that many here think will end badly. All we can do at this stage is hope whatever happens, that you'll be OK.

[Wolfshook]

If it doesnt work out you will feel like sh*t and be set back big time.

 

I met my ex 2 months into breakup (you can read topic I started),she invited me and after it was done I felt really bad. Heck, I'd probably be way better now if I havent seen her then.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he wants you to wait or is stringing you along. It sounds like he does not want an emotional meet replete with arguing or crying. If you can do that and just chat...great. Enjoy!

I am working at a festival near where he lives this weekend and thought maybe we could get together and have dinner. So last night I texted him and asked him if he still wants to do that. He asked what day/time, etc. He told he he's afraid I will get mad at him or start to cry. He told me again last night that he still hopes we get back together, even if it feels like it's a long way off.

[ParisPaulette]

Cynder, I think you and he are charting a new course, a new life, for each of you. It sounds like he is finally having to deal with the real world, to as you say enter the world of working and responsibility. That isn't a bad thing BTW. And you, I presume are also learning to chart a new road for yourself.

 

I say continue, but maybe the two of you meeting right now isn't a good idea. So I would say for the moment, don't change anything. Keep moving forward. I know it's hard, but it sounds like he and you both need that time apart from each other and to see what else life brings you.

 

That's my take on it anyways. But I wish you all the best. Hugs

[Realitynut]

Cynder....just WHAT did this guy bring to the table???? I know you miss him...and love him...but do you just miss his companionship? The person that just fills the void in your hole? I get that. I miss my guy like terrible too. But at least he works and his feet don't stink.

 

This guy will sit on the fence forever.....and 'hope' that some day you'll be together.

 

Like someday he 'hopes' he'll get his 'sh*t' together.

 

Someday ain't gonna happen....unless you wait for maybe 10-15 years down the road. No. Not even then. This "kid" isn't even a Kid. He is a grown man.

 

He ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE! (ie. grow up, get a job he can handle, wash his feet, be in a mature/giving relationship, and the list goes on)

[Cynder]

Cynder....just WHAT did this guy bring to the table???? I know you miss him...and love him...but do you just miss his companionship? The person that just fills the void in your hole? I get that. I miss my guy like terrible too. But at least he works and his feet don't stink.

 

This guy will sit on the fence forever.....and 'hope' that some day you'll be together.

 

Like someday he 'hopes' he'll get his 'sh*t' together.

 

Someday ain't gonna happen....unless you wait for maybe 10-15 years down the road. No. Not even then. This "kid" isn't even a Kid. He is a grown man.

 

He ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE! (ie. grow up, get a job he can handle, wash his feet, be in a mature/giving relationship, and the list goes on)

 

Sad thing is I've asked myself that same question... What did he bring to the table?

 

My first serious relationship was with a jealous possessive douche who constantly accused me of screwing around when there was no evidence whatsoever. He also lied about me to everyone, worked hard to make sure his family and friends all hated me, tried turning my family and friends against me (And succeeded in some cases) and in the end he was the one who ended up screwing around on me. But I was young and stupid. All I had to go on was my parents' dysfunctional relationship and since my parents were so strict, I lived a really sheltered life up until college.

 

My ex husband constantly put my down. I couldn't so anything right. I was always told how ugly I was. He made it very known that because he was in a band he could have anyone and he was doing me a favor. He pointed out that if we hadn't have met online he would have never even given me the time of day (because he didn't know what I looked like.) He wrote passionate love ballads about his exes that he performed in front of me and asked for my opinion. He was physically violent and addicted to porn, too. But the thing is, most of this didn't come out until after I married him and I took my wedding vows seriously. Then he screwed around on me too. Imagine that.

 

My recent ex didn't constantly make me feel like I wasn't good enough. He made me feel like I mattered. He's not the kind of person who cheats. Our sex life was good. We had a lot in common, but just enough not in common that it was interesting. He was so funny, kept me laughing all the time. I could open up to him about things I couldn't in previous relationships. He liked the way I look. He was my best friend.

 

I honestly thought by now my feelings for him would have started to fade. But I still love him just as much as I always did.

 

I think since we are both on the fence about this meeting, it might be best to cancel it. I don't think I can handle it. He doesn't think he can handle it. So why put ourselves through it? It will just end with us both being hurt in the end.

 

There are still things I want to say, though. He got to say what he wanted when he broke up with me. I still haven't gotten to say the things I want to say.

[bulletproof]

 

But anyway... I told him on the phone that I am honestly not sure if I am ready to see him without getting emotional. He told me he is anxious about it too... as in feeling anxiety, not like anxious looking forward to it.

 

During the conversation he made some comments that sounded like he does want to do it, but also doesn't. So he is just as on the fence as I am, I guess.

 

I think the problem is that your reasons for being on the fence about it seem quite different. I think you are anxious to see him because you miss him, want him back, and are scared this will set back your healing. But he seems anxious that you will cry or get angry at him—which I think means he doesn't want to feel guilty or regret his decision.

 

I think that he's dragging this out because he doesn't want to A) hurt you, B) possibly make a bad choice, and C) be the bad guy. I think a lot of his avoidance of other things such as responsibility for living on his own, working, doing his own laundry, etc., is the same avoidance he's exhibiting here in terms of facing the issue.

 

Obviously, I don't know him, so this is pure speculation. But I really hope you can be good to yourself and do what will cause you the least pain in the long run.

[Cynder]

It sounds like he wants you to wait or is stringing you along. It sounds like he does not want an emotional meet replete with arguing or crying. If you can do that and just chat...great. Enjoy!

 

Well, we aren't going to argue. But I was honest and told him I probably am going to cry.

 

I am beginning to think you are right and I am being strung along...

 

I was telling my friend maybe instead of meeting up with him maybe I will try to meet someone else and get laid, lol. Festivals are a good place for that.

[Cynder]

I think the problem is that your reasons for being on the fence about it seem quite different. I think you are anxious to see him because you miss him, want him back, and are scared this will set back your healing. But he seems anxious that you will cry or get angry at him—which I think means he doesn't want to feel guilty or regret his decision.

 

I think that he's dragging this out because he doesn't want to A) hurt you, B) possibly make a bad choice, and C) be the bad guy. I think a lot of his avoidance of other things such as responsibility for living on his own, working, doing his own laundry, etc., is the same avoidance he's exhibiting here in terms of facing the issue.

 

Obviously, I don't know him, so this is pure speculation. But I really hope you can be good to yourself and do what will cause you the least pain in the long run.

 

I know we are anxious for different reasons. That's obvious.

 

He told me I have anger issues when we broke up. He has always been good at pointing out everyone else's issues... but can't seem to see his own. He does run away from things.

[Realitynut]

awww...Cynder, there has to be someone in between those two...er...three.

 

My ex husband always made me feel ugly too. He was angry and violent. Beat up the week we were married. I couldn't STAND him for 20 years. Had an affair (me) and he found out and filed for divorce. Didn't bother me one bit....except to lose my house that I loved. No sex for 15 years. ick. He said I was frigid.

 

Met someone that same month. Became fiance'. Was exact opposite of husband. Not a violent bone in his body. But very passive/partier/enabler kind of personality. After that ended...I realized how SHALLOW he was. But a really nice guy...I have to admit. Wouldn't hurt a fly...but he cheated on me while we were planning out wedding. His only way out I think...I was the nut case in that relationship. I thought he was 'the one' for sure. And so handsome...and great sex.

 

My now ex....Was 'ugly' compared to my ex before. But like your guy...made me laugh like a kid. We liked the same things...he was my best friend. But he also had a temper. I told him once....I didn't like being yelled at by my ex husband, I don't like getting yelled at by him. He was not physically violent, but was constantly pulling back, and emotionally distant.

 

Now he has a new woman...but every few weeks sees me! And I keep thinking we're getting back together...but we're NOT. He's just weening himself off of me.

 

So now I have to decide...like you do....what is in it for me? What exactly does he do for me? yes he makes you laugh and he was your best friend. You can have a gf for that. He made you feel beautiful. Yes. I get that. My last ex always said "you know you're pretty". But he never said to me...You're so beautiful. He never 'dated' me...like took me out...unless it was hiking...or something he wanted. He never did anything that I WANTED. Never. Unless he wanted it.

 

I think your guy has low self-esteem, and you built HIM up. You were HIS best friend also. You made HIM feel good.

 

Until you grew up. You became successful. You became everything he wasn't.

 

That made him feel 'less' than. Less than a man....

 

You weren't filling your 'role' in his life anymore, and that was to fill HIS hole of inadequacies.

 

We are all disposable. Sucks

 

Now to find that man who is somewhere between the douche', scumbag of husband, and lazy, but funny and kind-hearted kid of ex bf!

 

You went from one extreme to another. He made you feel pretty.

 

Feel pretty on your own. Like I said Cynder, I read your journal from day one. I couldn't believe you were the same person.

 

You AREN'T the same person. You grew. You became an accomplished artist. You bought a beautiful home....you have so much to be PROUD of. You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps, even tho ex husband tried to beat you down.

 

And part of that growth was because of ex bf. He didn't tell you that you were worthless, or ugly. So you grew.

But trust me...you outgrew him.

 

And he knows it.

 

Heal.

 

It sounds as if you could be good friends down the road....

 

But you are on a different road as PP says...and I see very good things coming to you! (lol...I sound like a psychic.! )

[thejigsup]

You want him because he is the only man who hasn't put you down? How sad. How about finding an adult man who also doesn't play little boy games and won't put you down. Stinky feet? I would be so gone. You can do so much better than this guy.

[boltnrun]

Your nervousness stems from your feelings for him.

 

So does his.

 

You're concerned about him. So is he.

 

He's not worried that you might be hurt or disappointed. He's worried that you might make HIM feel uncomfortable.

 

These roles haven't changed. You're still coddling him and he's still acting like you're responsible for making sure he's getting what HE wants.

[diamond78]

Hi there,

 

I have been reading your threads and I've noticed that you have consistently described your Ex in a way that illustrates an overgrown child.

 

And I think a big part of you falling in love with him was because you took care of him A LOT. And now you are feeling the loss of that emotional connection of doting over someone.

 

I think he broke things off with you because well....you have your stuff together and increasingly so. Buying your own home really put the stamp on the fact that you are the mature one who is getting their life together and he is very far away from that. And I think it was easier to run from that than to get his own life together while you two were still in a relationship.

 

Right now you miss him, and understandably so, but I can tell that deep down you know that there is better out there for you. And while it is hard to find someone who you can be yourself around, try not to settle for less than your worth and he's just not at your level...not at this point in time and I doubt that's going to change anytime soon.

 

I just read realitynut's last post and she is really hitting...(actually BANGING...lol) the nail on the head.

[saluk]

"but can't seem to see his own. He does run away from things. "

 

A successful reconciliation then will involve some big changes on his part, won't it? Until he is someone who won't run away from things, and who actually brings something to the table, a relationship with him is going to be like trying to swim while holding onto an anchor. He's just giving this new job a try and who knows how well that will work out. He hasn't proven he can take care of himself, so there is still no reason to believe that he will be able to manage taking care of you as well. He may have taken a first step towards change... but he's not the man who you need right now. Unclear that he will grow into that person. He may not be able to articulate this, whether from pride or just immaturity, but I think he knows this as well. That you are better off without him.

[Realitynut]

I just read realitynut's last post and she is really hitting...(actually BANGING...lol) the nail on the head.

aww....thanks. Isn't it funny how we can dole out the advice....but can't take our own advice?

 

(lol...as a side note....wish I was 'banging'...something. )