What's WRONG With Me??!!??

[Guilty1]

I'm presently engaged to an AMAZING woman! Over the past 4 years she's taken care of me and loved me better than any woman ever has. Not only that but she is an absolutely AWESOME friend to my 14 year old daughter. Like any relationship, we have our issues but none of them have I EVER considered to be a "deal breaker" (once she quit drinking 18 months ago). She's smart, driven, devoted and built like Jessica Rabbit (that matters to some people)! She leaves me wanting for nothing; and THIS is where I begin to sound like a total ASS!

 

I've been with her for 4 years and proposed to her last year, on my birthday; everyone was thrilled, including my mother, who doesn't like anyone. However, for the past 25 years I've had a very close (female) friend I met in high school. We never dated and, in fact, met through a male friend of mine, whom she dated at the time. After high school and after THEY broke up, she and I kept in touch (strictly friendship) off and on for years until we finally lost touch for quite some time; then came Facebook!

 

I looked her up, found her and we've been in touch ever since. Now we're both in our 40s and talk almost every day. We've discovered we have a unique connection and because of this I can always tell when something is bothering her; but we almost NEVER see each other. Our communication is via Facebook and text and to this day she's never even met my fiance. With the slightest of comments she COMPLETELY gets me. We laugh and joke whenever we talk but are always there for one another through any serious issues life throws our way. She is my very best friend in the world. More importantly, we established 'full disclosure' years ago so it's a no holds barred relationship so we're brutally honest about EVERYTHING; until now.

 

I'm in love with her. I'm certain of it. She monopolizes my thoughts and I can't shake how I'm feeling though I've tried. What's more is I think, on some levels, I've ALWAYS loved her. I think now I'm just at a point in my life where I can TRULY distinguish it from infatuation. We don't spend ANY face-to-face time together so I know it's NOT 'lust' because I never think of her 'sexually'; but every day I wake up she's the first thing on my mind. The thing is, lately, I'm getting the FEELING she has similar feelings for me but I'm also aware that I COULD be 'projecting'. We haven't TALKED about it because, well, I'm ENGAGED to someone else!

 

It's not like my relationship with my fiance is 'on the rocks' or unsatisfactory in ANY WAY but, still, I'm in love with my best friend AND my fiance! I'm NOT a 'cheater' so I'm NOT trying to act on these feelings and even IF I tried my friend wouldn't let me. I can't tell her how I feel, I can't tell my fiance and I don't know what to do! I don't expect these feelings to just pass because, well, it's been 25 years so I don't think they're going anywhere.

 

Please help, anyone!

 

Reply Reply to All Forward More

[Wiseman2]

Obviously there's a problem if you are "in love" with someone else you haven't seen in years and you just got engaged to someone else.

Over the past 4 years she's taken care of me. she quit drinking 18 months ago. I've been with her for 4 years and proposed to her last year. It's not like my relationship with my fiance is 'on the rocks' or unsatisfactory in ANY WAY but, still, I'm in love with my best friend.I'm in love with her. We don't spend ANY face-to-face time together

[Clinton]

Doesn't sound, despite all the positives, that you are in love

[Hollyj]

I think you should end it with the fiance. It is not fair to her.

 

I don't know if you are really in love with this other woman, or if you are using it as some kind of excuse not to get married.

 

End your current relationship, and pursue the other woman.

[East4]

Guilty, you are basically having an emotionally affair with another woman behind your fiancée's back. Definition of an emotional affair is " any interaction with a member of the opposite sex that diverts the attention and energy that should go into one's primary relationship." People fail to recognize for what it is because the excuse of "just friends" is always there, and then when the emotional affair escalates to physical, then it is too late. If you were truly friends with this other woman, you mustn't have any problem to introduce her to your fiancé. The fact you never did is a litmus test that your intentions are not friendly, but romantic.

 

After all you have built with your fiancé, it would be stupid to throw away for just some infatuation. Out of respect for your fiancée you have to give a fair try to your relationship. The first step to this is to cut this "friend" off and rekindle what attracted you to your fiancé in the first place.

 

Your fiancée made a classic mistake too, it is not fault per see, but mistake nevertheless. When a woman gives too much to a man, when she fails to maintain an element of independence and challenge, when she becomes too available to a man, too accommodating (as per your own account of things), then the guy just loses interest in her, and as much as it is unfair to her, he would get interested in conquest od other woman. Do not be mistaken, what you feel for this "friend" of yours is not love, it is you being complacent and over-satisfied by your fiancé, combined with the ever lasting urge in men for novelty. Believe me, if your fiancée kicked your butt out, what I would strongly advise her to do, in one month you would be desperate to get her back, and in your eyes this new woman would not even hold a candle to your fiancée. I hope you realize you just became spoilt by your fiancée and are now acting like a kid in a candy shop-you want to have all candies. But let me tell you that when one attempts sitting on two chairs at the same time, they most often find themselves floored on their bottom.

[dave_1966]

^^^ 'and in your eyes this new woman would not even hold a candle to your fiancée'

 

This new woman is a also a fantasy, an idealisation in his own mind that would most likely not matched in reality.

[Guilty1]

Guilty, you are basically having an emotionally affair with another woman behind your fiancée's back. Definition of an emotional affair is " any interaction with a member of the opposite sex that diverts the attention and energy that should go into one's primary relationship." People fail to recognize for what it is because the excuse of "just friends" is always there, and then when the emotional affair escalates to physical, then it is too late. If you were truly friends with this other woman, you mustn't have any problem to introduce her to your fiancé. The fact you never did is a litmus test that your intentions are not friendly, but romantic.

 

After all you have built with your fiancé, it would be stupid to throw away for just some infatuation. Out of respect for your fiancée you have to give a fair try to your relationship. The first step to this is to cut this "friend" off and rekindle what attracted you to your fiancé in the first place.

 

Your fiancée made a classic mistake too, it is not fault per see, but mistake nevertheless. When a woman gives too much to a man, when she fails to maintain an element of independence and challenge, when she becomes too available to a man, too accommodating (as per your own account of things), then the guy just loses interest in her, and as much as it is unfair to her, he would get interested in conquest od other woman. Do not be mistaken, what you feel for this "friend" of yours is not love, it is you being complacent and over-satisfied by your fiancé, combined with the ever lasting urge in men for novelty. Believe me, if your fiancée kicked your butt out, what I would strongly advise her to do, in one month you would be desperate to get her back, and in your eyes this new woman would not even hold a candle to your fiancée. I hope you realize you just became spoilt by your fiancée and are now acting like a kid in a candy shop-you want to have all candies. But let me tell you that when one attempts sitting on two chairs at the same time, they most often find themselves floored on their bottom.

 

To be fair I left some (I see now) important details out because it's my first time in this forum and felt my post was already 'long winded' as it is. We ALL TRIED on numerous occasions over the years to get together so THEY could meet but something always came up on BOTH our ends to get in the way. Plus our schedules are a challenge to work around as it is so are kids. Also, my fiance is FULLY AWARE of my friends existence in my life as we too are very open and my fiance knows this is one of my best friends.

 

I've lost NO interest in my fiance due to her 'spoiling' of me, I acknowledge it and show her appreciation for it daily and we spend loads of time together. I'm not looking for 'novelty' here at all. I never said I feel like I love one more than the other or that I'm in love with one and NOT the other. I'm saying I love them both.

 

I came to this forum looking for objective help and advice; not judgment.

 

Thanks anyway.

[Guilty1]

This 'new woman' isn't "new" at all. She's been in my life for going on 26 years.

[Guilty1]

^^^ 'and in your eyes this new woman would not even hold a candle to your fiancée'

 

This new woman is a also a fantasy, an idealisation in his own mind that would most likely not matched in reality.

 

This 'new woman' isn't "new" at all. She's been in my life for going on 26 years.

[Guilty1]

Doesn't sound, despite all the positives, that you are in love

 

Why do you say that?

[Wiseman2]

It's unclear why you just got engaged to someone else. Is this woman married? When did you last see her? It seems you want someone practical and some sort of muse on the side.

This 'new woman' isn't "new" at all. She's been in my life for going on 26 years.

[HeartGoesOn]

Also, my fiance is FULLY AWARE of my friends existence in my life as we too are very open and my fiance knows this is one of my best friends.

 

I'm NOT a 'cheater' so I'm NOT trying to act on these feelings and even IF I tried my friend wouldn't let me. I can't tell her how I feel, I can't tell my fiance and I don't know what to do!

 

I'm finding these two different statements to be confusing. In one breath you're saying your fiance knows this is one of your best friends, yet in the same breath you stated you can't tell your fiance how you feel.

 

Having said that, the only one who is "fully aware" appears to be you. It's time to look within, and make an honest choice, don't ya think?

[nutbrownhare]

She might have been in your life for 26 years, but if you only communicate at a distance - and Facebook and text ARE at a distance, even though you might feel very close - she's still in the realm of fantasy. You don't really know her, and the relationship has never had to face the real challenge of being consistently emotionally present to another person. It's very tempting to think that you know someone very well, given that a lot of your exchanges are very personal, but you cannot possibly see how they operate in the world, treat others, how they sound when they aren't feeling well, how they react to frustration, how they drive, how untidy/disorganised or rigid/controlling they are. People unconsciously hide aspects of themselves all the time, and written communication is edited by its very nature.

 

Yet all the little, unimportant things may be real deal-breakers if you witness them in real life.

 

I've known a couple of guys where we corresponded online for a number of months. Both were interesting, articulate, funny, deep thinkers, all the rest. Then I got to know one of them in the flesh, and quickly realised he was the most screwed-up guy I'd ever met who hadn't actually had a hospital admission. Long story short, I ended up reporting him to the police for online harassment.

 

The other one I ended up having a relationship with. It took a while, but I eventually realised that the person I'd been in love with didn't actually exist. It was a fantasy concocted by both him and myself.

 

I read a quite thought-provoking article recently, which proposed that it's not sharing candlelit dinners and romance which shows true love, but being able to have a wee while your partner's also in the bathroom. It's sharing messy, embarrassing, unpleasant tasks and seeing each other completely unadorned, with no pretence - and still adoring the other. It's having the relationship tested to the utmost and still being there for each other. That is not at all the same as you having YOUR problems, which you share with her, and vice-versa.

 

The real intimacy doesn't, and can't, happen with someone who you only communicate with via text and FB.

 

So, what do you do in this situation? Let yourself know that your 'friend' is a fantasy, and don't kid yourself that it's anything else. Don't risk your future marriage and wellbeing for an illusion. Back off a bit, if you can, and stop feeding the fantasy quite so much.

 

Like most crushes, it'll probably blow over.

[East4]

Guilty, you have not been honest with your fiancée about the nature of the "friendship" with this other woman. You are getting so defensive, because you have a difficulty to admit that your actions are manipulative. Half truths make for the best lies. Yes, you told your fiancée about the FB friend, but I'm pretty sure you do not show your fiancée the lovey-dovey messages you exchange with your fantasy lady. Or your fiancée is not aware of how much time you spend everyday talking to the other woman.

 

I have heard that some people, more men than women, get marriage jitters as the wedding approaches and get to act out of character, like cheating just before the marriage, flirting with other women, etc. In one word sabotaging the marriage, because unconsciously they do not want to commit to marriage. I'm wondering if this is your case too, because honestly for you even to consider a relationship with a ghost woman that you only know on the internet, to the detriment of a sure thing with a wonderful woman, sorry to say that but it just seems to me you are not thinking straight.

 

You are asking what to do? Well, many people here told you-just cut off this "friend" of yours and go talk to a shrink as to what factors are at play here for your to get enmeshed with a fantasy person, rather than enjoy a good thing in REAL.

So, my advice is this - get real.

[Guilty1]

She might have been in your life for 26 years, but if you only communicate at a distance - and Facebook and text ARE at a distance, even though you might feel very close - she's still in the realm of fantasy. You don't really know her, and the relationship has never had to face the real challenge of being consistently emotionally present to another person. It's very tempting to think that you know someone very well, given that a lot of your exchanges are very personal, but you cannot possibly see how they operate in the world, treat others, how they sound when they aren't feeling well, how they react to frustration, how they drive, how untidy/disorganised or rigid/controlling they are. People unconsciously hide aspects of themselves all the time, and written communication is edited by its very nature.

 

Yet all the little, unimportant things may be real deal-breakers if you witness them in real life.

 

I've known a couple of guys where we corresponded online for a number of months. Both were interesting, articulate, funny, deep thinkers, all the rest. Then I got to know one of them in the flesh, and quickly realised he was the most screwed-up guy I'd ever met who hadn't actually had a hospital admission. Long story short, I ended up reporting him to the police for online harassment.

 

The other one I ended up having a relationship with. It took a while, but I eventually realised that the person I'd been in love with didn't actually exist. It was a fantasy concocted by both him and myself.

 

I read a quite thought-provoking article recently, which proposed that it's not sharing candlelit dinners and romance which shows true love, but being able to have a wee while your partner's also in the bathroom. It's sharing messy, embarrassing, unpleasant tasks and seeing each other completely unadorned, with no pretence - and still adoring the other. It's having the relationship tested to the utmost and still being there for each other. That is not at all the same as you having YOUR problems, which you share with her, and vice-versa.

 

The real intimacy doesn't, and can't, happen with someone who you only communicate with via text and FB.

 

So, what do you do in this situation? Let yourself know that your 'friend' is a fantasy, and don't kid yourself that it's anything else. Don't risk your future marriage and wellbeing for an illusion. Back off a bit, if you can, and stop feeding the fantasy quite so much.

 

Like most crushes, it'll probably blow over.

 

Yours seems to be to only response that has any real thought behind it; thank you.

[Guilty1]

Guilty, you have not been honest with your fiancée about the nature of the "friendship" with this other woman. You are getting so defensive, because you have a difficulty to admit that your actions are manipulative. Half truths make for the best lies. Yes, you told your fiancée about the FB friend, but I'm pretty sure you do not show your fiancée the lovey-dovey messages you exchange with your fantasy lady. Or your fiancée is not aware of how much time you spend everyday talking to the other woman.

 

I have heard that some people, more men than women, get marriage jitters as the wedding approaches and get to act out of character, like cheating just before the marriage, flirting with other women, etc. In one word sabotaging the marriage, because unconsciously they do not want to commit to marriage. I'm wondering if this is your case too, because honestly for you even to consider a relationship with a ghost woman that you only know on the internet, to the detriment of a sure thing with a wonderful woman, sorry to say that but it just seems to me you are not thinking straight.

 

You are asking what to do? Well, many people here told you-just cut off this "friend" of yours and go talk to a shrink as to what factors are at play here for your to get enmeshed with a fantasy person, rather than enjoy a good thing in REAL.

So, my advice is this - get real.

 

First off, there are no "lovey-dovey" messages exchanged between us, we just talk about anything and everything and are there for each other as friends; that's all. Neither of us is trying to nurture ANY semblance of a 'romance'. Second, I've committed to marriage before and have been with my fiance for going on 5 years already so commitment isn't something I'm afraid of. And third, my friend ISN'T an "internet fantasy". She's a living, breathing person I've know for half my life that I've spent quite a LOT of time with but it's only been in recent years that schedules have conflicted one way or the other.

[Guilty1]

It's unclear why you just got engaged to someone else. Is this woman married? When did you last see her? It seems you want someone practical and some sort of muse on the side.

 

I'm not looking for anyone "on the side". I've been friends with one for years (nothing more) and not TRYING to make it more than it is. Then I became involved with another romantically about 5 years ago. It's just that simple.

[East4]

OP, judging by your responses to individual comments, it seems that you consider your situation as normal and that nothing is wrong in what you are doing.

Then why is your user name "Guilty" and the title of your thread "What's WRONG with me?" Most people here totally agree with you that you are wrong and guilty. You said it yourself. ;-)

 

So why are getting so defensive when we confirm your own assessment of yourself (wrong and guilty)? Although you are living in denial of what your are doing, I guess as some level you acknowledge your behavior is wrong. Really, instead of trying to convince us that you are some decent guy, go make an appointment with a therapist.

[Wiseman2]

Netflix "Seven Year Itch". This married guy imagines he's having an affair with his hot upstairs neighbor, it inspires him in all sorts of ways that his humdrum marriage doesn't.

[dave_1966]

This 'new woman' isn't "new" at all. She's been in my life for going on 26 years.

 

It's 'new' in the sense you're developing feelings, I was speaking metaphorically. Sorry, I'll try and spell things out clearer for you in the future.

[Guilty1]

OP, judging by your responses to individual comments, it seems that you consider your situation as normal and that nothing is wrong in what you are doing.

Then why is your user name "Guilty" and the title of your thread "What's WRONG with me?" Most people here totally agree with you that you are wrong and guilty. You said it yourself. ;-)

 

So why are getting so defensive when we confirm your own assessment of yourself (wrong and guilty)? Although you are living in denial of what your are doing, I guess as some level you acknowledge your behavior is wrong. Really, instead of trying to convince us that you are some decent guy, go make an appointment with a therapist.

 

You're right to some extent but I just thought I'd made myself clear on points that certain responses have indicated weren't even acknowledged. ALL I'm trying to say is I love my fiance and know I have a great thing with her that I don't have ANY desire to lose or give up so why and how could I have developed feelings for someone else? I have no reason NOT to be happy or satisfied with my fiance yet somehow I've fallen for someone else anyway. I guess I sound defensive because SOME of these posts make it seem like I'm deliberately doing something wrong or shady but both women have always known about one another and several attempts have been made to get them acquainted. I'm NOT trying to start/have an affair and I'm NOT proud of how I feel.

[Wiseman2]

Because it's not about 'either/or' it's about 'and'. Most cheaters don't have relationship problems. They just seize an opportunity for a rush. Not that you are cheating in reality, but the thoughts of this other love are giving you the extracurricular rush.

I have no reason NOT to be happy or satisfied with my fiance yet somehow I've fallen for someone else anyway.

[East4]

Because it's not about 'either/or' it's about 'and'. Most cheaters don't have relationship problems. They just cease an opportunity for a rush. Not that you are cheating in reality, but the thoughts of this other love are giving you the extracurricular rush.

 

Very insightful. Most begginers cheaters think that their situation is different to others, that the world hasn't seen a dilemma like theirs. The world has seen it all, dear OP. You get the adrenaline rush of the forbiden fruit and you are intrigued. This is the same old story of biblical times, the story of Eve and the apple. You know how the story ends, don't you? The sinners get kicked out of heaven. You are already one foot out of heaven, but too arrogant to admit it. ;-) Go, eat the apple, and then go post in the "break up" forum. B-)

[East4]

And please do a favor to your fiancée, please don't marry her. You are unreliable partner. If even before marriage, you are attracted by another woman, and your conscious is dormant, I can only imagine what it would be like after 15 years and 2-3 children. OP, you are not ready for marriage, don't waste your fiancée's time. If you can't cut off contact with the other woman, then set your finacee free.

[Guilty1]

Sorry I wasted my time in this forum. I came here looking for insight from people I was hoping were also imperfect or have made mistakes themselves or even 'been there' but only got (very biased) judgment. Clearly "enotalone.com" = The Judgement Zone.