Unattractive (physically) beating out the attractive (mentally)

[Helpexpressme]

Nope, just speaking to what I've seen. That the woman is almost ways more attractive then the man.

 

HOLD UP! You have got to be joking.

[Moontiger]

I think taking advice from strangers on an online forum who all have their own issues is counter intuitive. Letting other people who know next to nothing about you dictate how you feel about yourself because instead of giving friendly and helpful advice they just scorn and scold you about your flaws, is a mistake I think a lot of people who come on here make. Everybody has their issues they need to work on and I think the OP is no exception, but I think maybe he needs to seek advice from somewhere else, someone who is more a part of his life and not some stranger online who doesn't know him that well and can't and won't empathize.

 

Which he's has been advised to do in multiple threads over the years he's been posting here. Again, if you refuse to take advice that's on you. No one else.

[Moontiger]

HOLD UP! You have got to be joking.

 

No....why would I be joking? In fact, just recent BS talked about this in his journal on here. If I remember correctly he had gone to the mall and saw many over weight slob men with attractive women.

 

99.5% of the time the woman is more attractive.

[dias]

No....why would I be joking? In fact, just recent BS talked about this in his journal on here. If I remember correctly he had gone to the mall and saw many over weight slob men with attractive women.

 

99.5% of the time the woman is more attractive.

Statistically this isn't possible . Yes rich men always have pretty models/escorts with them . But these guys are the exception. Women regulate the rules when it comes to sex. There are many good looking desperate guys who compromise with ugly women

[Helpexpressme]

Ok I think I have this straight now.

 

You think women look more attractive than the man by default (if he's a slob or not attractive himself).

 

I thought you meant that ALL men only wanted attractive women on their arms. So the ugly ones missed out.

[Jean-Luc]

Which he's has been advised to do in multiple threads over the years he's been posting here. Again, if you refuse to take advice that's on you. No one else.

 

Why not just ignore him if you've already said what you have to say? To keep berating someone over and over again I don't think does anyone any favors.

[Moontiger]

I would love to see evidence of that. I'm sure you can provide examples.

[Fudgie]

I have been the "unattractive" one in the relationship, with someone far more attractive than I. Maybe it is a bit less common but it still happens and I do see it from time to time. While I get more attention now that I'm thinner, I still had men hit on me and such when I was morbidly obese.

 

Happens with celebrity couples too.

 

(see couple on left - Pierce Brosnan and wife)

 

]

 

Not that I think she's "ugly" or anything, but I think he's more attractive than she is by a long shot. But who cares, they are happy together.

[Moontiger]

Why not just ignore him if you've already said what you have to say? To keep berating someone over and over again I don't think does anyone any favors.

 

Where have I berated him? Or anyone else berated him? Please direct to any and all posts?

 

We keep trying to help him because he keeps asking for advice and we hope one day he will take it.

[dias]

I have been the "unattractive" one in the relationship, with someone far more attractive than I. Maybe it is a bit less common but it still happens and I do see it from time to time. While I get more attention now that I'm thinner, I still had men hit on me and such when I was morbidly obese.

 

Happens with celebrity couples too.

 

(see couple on left - Pierce Brosnan and wife)

 

]

 

Not that I think she's "ugly" or anything, but I think he's more attractive than she is by a long shot. But who cares, they are happy together.

Really ??? That's Pierce's wife? She has good facial features but he could have a model easily . Again , beauty is in the eyes of the beholder .

[Fudgie]

Yup, that's his wife, dias. They've been together since the 90s and they have a few kids together. People say bad stuff about her online but he loves her and they are still together and happy.

 

When I was morbidly obese, I was with my ex. While the relationship turned toxic emotionally over time (and the relationship ended after I lost some weight), he did love me despite my size. He was a good looking local musician and many simple-minded women just can't resist someone who performs, so he could have had his pick, easily, of better looking women. He didn't want them; he wanted me.

 

Not all men are hormone-fueled and eye-candy-obsessed. Physical attraction is important, yes, but to some men, there's much more than that.

[Batya33]

...you're agreeing with me and contradicting yourself, so I guess I don't really need to reply to this part. You seem to think I'm talking about casual sex, when, in this part, I'm actually talking about pre-relationship sex.

 

 

 

Now it's time to talk about casual sex. I know this is an alien concept for you, but, when it comes to sex, women are negotiating from a position of strength, while men are negotiating from a position of weakness. I'm sure that you're used to getting what you want; we don't have that luxury. Men have to settle more than women do, because we're not as in-demand. Trust me, FWBs isn't what I really "want", it's just an acceptable substitute.

 

Casual sex is not alien to me at all - it's great for those people who enjoy it.

[Blue Spiral]

No....why would I be joking? In fact, just recent BS talked about this in his journal on here. If I remember correctly he had gone to the mall and saw many over weight slob men with attractive women.

 

It was the exact opposite, actually.

[Batya33]

BS - you don't want an eventual relationship. Dougie does. If he posted asking how he could find casual sex or expressed an interest in finding a sex buddy I know my input and likely many others would be far different. I don't think a person who wants a relationship "settles" for casual sex - a person who is comfortable with or enjoys casual sex has casual sex -and a person who claims to be "settling" for casual sex instead of a relationship most likely doesn't really want a relationship in the first place, otherwise they'd never think about casual sex as having any relevance to a relationship -apples and oranges as I wrote. I know my husband would not have had casual sex no matter how long it took him to find the right person - he had opportunities but he knew that casual sex was not what he wanted and would not be comfortable for him (and yes, normal healthy sex drive).

[notalady]

I think taking things at face value and people acting like they know what someone is about after seeing or talking to them once or a few times is pretty crappy. But then again I learned long ago that it's easier for people to make assumptions than to put in effort to look past face value judgments. I'm not criticizing you personally, I'm criticizing the fact that I've seen people do this all the time and its a very flawed thing in of itself to do. People always look for the easy way to go about things unless it really benefits them.

 

I remember you also said something about how girls pick up vibes from a guy who seems to be having a lot of fun and want to be a part of that. To me that's not liking the guy himself, that's liking the idea of something.

 

I'll have to disagree with this. I don't need to know what someone is all about before making a decision about whether I want them in my life and if they'll likely fit in my life.

 

Sure I don't know them, but I know myself intimately and I know who will fit in my life, I also have good instincts through years of experience and yes through ignoring those instincts many a time when I was younger because I didn't want to "judge a book by its cover". In fact, I've done that quite recently.

 

What I've learned is that I may not know someone and what they are all about from meeting them once (or a few times), but it gives me enough insight for me to decide whether I want more of what I've seen and get to know what this person is all about, or decide I've seen enough and I don't like what I've seen, or I think they are just not for me.

 

Everyone has good qualities, I'm sure if I get to know ANYONE, I'll find something I like about them. But people only have limited time and resources, they can't possibly give everyone a chance to be in their lives and it's only logical that they pick and choose who they want to invite into their lives based on what they've seen over a short period of time.

 

You may be surprised. People often behave very much themselves whether you only met them for half an hour or six months. People I meet often tell me, or make comments, within a few hours of meeting me, that I seem really happy and full of energy, like a positive person. Well that's because that's who I am. That's not ALL there is to me, but they are not wrong. If they don't like that and don't want me in their lives, then I'm glad, because I know we wouldn't have fit in each other's lives anyway.

[annie24]

Okay... so everyone knows that there has to be some sort of attraction. Everyone kinda knows what an attractive male/female is.. yes, everyone has "preferences" but you absolutely rank people based on some sort of physical attribute.

 

My question is...

 

If you are not physically attractive to someone, how EXACTLY does this person overcome the physical part you desired?

 

A man/woman approaches you, but you just are not feeling it physically (because you KNOW NOTHING except for their physical appearance).. and you strike a conversation.

 

What are some things this person says, does, acts, etc.. that takes away the fact the you just aren't into him/her? How does someone OVERCOME the fact that you are not attracted to them physically?

 

And just for clarification..this has to be the FIRST time you meet someone and possibly the last. I know if you continue to meet someone (co-worker, schoolmate, etc..) you can get to know someone better and possibly gain that attraction..

 

But when someone you meet (SMALL TALK).. and you aren't physically attractive to them... can this person really BECOME attractive OVERNIGHT?

 

Are there certain TOPICS, or TRICKS, STORIES, to say to be an instant attractive person (mentally?)

 

So, true story about this. Last weekend I met a man at a conference dinner for work. He sat next to me at the table. I didn't think he was attractive at all. Very short, not my type. To be polite, I asked him a few questions about himself (where he was from, where he worked). He had a very interesting life story. He had a very interesting job and told me stories about what he does. He also teaches a few college classes and tinkers around with science projects at home. He was also very into dog fostering/rescue. During the conversation, he became more attractive to me because he was 1) obviously smart, 2) had a lot of interesting things going on in his life, 3) had a lot of interesting things to say about his experiences, 4) had an altruistic streak. At the end of the conversation, he mentioned he was in a relationship so nothing there obviously happened. But these are the things that made me more attracted to him after a 30 minute conversation.

[SURPRISE]

I have seen way under average guys with no money with hot girls. I once asked this extremely hot girl why she was with this guy that most women would run from because I was curios. She told me he was an amazing guy and she loved him. I have personally been on a date with a girl that at first sight I thought. "Oh no, not really any attraction, not my type at all". After a 2 hour movie together I was pretty in to her and dated for a while after that till she moved out of state and the long distance ting did not work for us (her family all moved away). I think it might have been her sense of humor and the way she smiled. The point is, if you are good inside, it can make the outside much better. Take time to work on yourself either by improving your body and or reading self improvement books at the library or book store. You would be surprised how much a little knowledge goes a long way!

[tiredofvampires]

Statistically this isn't possible . Yes rich men always have pretty models/escorts with them . But these guys are the exception. Women regulate the rules when it comes to sex. There are many good looking desperate guys who compromise with ugly women

 

Take an ugly woman (so, someone with fewer choices, out the front gate). She encounters a guy who is good-looking (someone with more choices, out the front gate). Why would HE be the desperate one? What would make him desperate? (Broke? Looking for a sugar mama?) And if he's "compromising" (settling) for her, how is SHE the one making the rules about having sex? If he's desperate and makes a choice he doesn't need to make (which is a bit self-contradictory), how is that playing by HER rules? How is that not him 100% making his choices? I'm just trying to imagine an ugly woman dictating sex rules to a good-looking guy and I'm coming up short.

 

Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out your reasoning. I don't get it.

 

Not that I think there are any hard-and-fast rules, but the ones you're suggesting don't make sense to me, based on general patterns of human behavior.

[tiredofvampires]

So, true story about this. Last weekend I met a man at a conference dinner for work. He sat next to me at the table. I didn't think he was attractive at all. Very short, not my type. To be polite, I asked him a few questions about himself (where he was from, where he worked). He had a very interesting life story. He had a very interesting job and told me stories about what he does. He also teaches a few college classes and tinkers around with science projects at home. He was also very into dog fostering/rescue. During the conversation, he became more attractive to me because he was 1) obviously smart, 2) had a lot of interesting things going on in his life, 3) had a lot of interesting things to say about his experiences, 4) had an altruistic streak. At the end of the conversation, he mentioned he was in a relationship so nothing there obviously happened. But these are the things that made me more attracted to him after a 30 minute conversation.

 

^^^This, and Dougie, this has happened to me more than once.

 

But you see what this depended on? The guy was interesting, he had a diversity of things he was doing with his life (his "life portfolio" was diversified, in investment language), his activities included concern for his fellow creatures so it was clear he wasn't just living for his own little self-absorbed bubble. His activities all reflected an ambitious, intelligent, non-superficial, inquisitive, resourceful, varied, involved, integrated-with-the-world person.

 

AND, this was at a work conference. Had he been telling this to a pretty barfly who just wanted to be impressed by a jock or "someone in the band", he would have had zero luck with the "overnight" transformation bit. He could not have counted on a single one of those things working in his favor.

 

You don't have to be a clone of this guy with exactly the same profile, but you could have one of your own -- those qualities are qualities, they are not specific topics or interests.

 

Unfortunately for you, Dougie, those things (and that attraction factor) don't come about for a person "OVERNIGHT". This guy wasn't asking how he could snap his fingers and charm a lady at a work dinner because he was too "unmotivated in life" to actually do and be these things. A person has to cultivate these things over time for their own sake. And so they aren't "TOPICS, TRICKS, STORIES" that you just pull out of a hat. Ha, certainly not TRICKS. You can't fake this one. There is no short cut or magic trick to demonstrate these qualities without actually HAVING THEM in place, as part of your ongoing life.

 

So the only way for you to find yourself being in that guy's position is to cultivate a life where such things are happening. And then you'll find yourself in more opportune situations. How do you do that? See the last half of this thread (perhaps starting at about post #71).

[Dougie_D]

1. Just because other women think I'm not interesting, doesn't mean I'm NOT an interesting person. It just means I'm not spilling out things a woman might be interested about. I read things everyday that interests me. But I can't say what I just read to a person 2 weeks after I read it. Basically, interesting people are only interesting when whatever topic they are telling you is interested into you...but this is where I think people lie. I think they THINK they are interested in whatever they are saying, but in reality, they are attractive to them physically.

 

2. Women in general are better looking than men. Here's the absolute truth. Uglier men who are with extremely attractive women are together for only 2 reasons. A - They are filty rich B - The guy worships her... It's the nice guy thing. Women won't admit it, but they love a man that treats them like a Goddess.. And there are plenty of pretty boys who go "below their league" for the same reason. And these pretty boys actually will say "she's so hot, but she wants me to do this and that?? forget it!"... So what I'm trying to say is, that the uglier men with the more attractive women.. The guy is not your alpha male. He's the one that goes "yes, yes, yes, whatever you want."

[Batya33]

"It just means I'm not spilling out things a woman might be interested about. "

 

Women are individuals. All different. If you are genuinely interested in finding out more about another person then ask questions that show genuine interest (without prying) and share things that that individual might be interested in. No need to generalize about what a "woman" might be interested in. People love when other people are genuinely interested in what they have to say and what they think about. It's a turn on. It's a turn off when the other person isn't genuinely interested -when the person doesn't actively listen or constantly change the subject to be about them. It takes skill and practice.

 

I couldn't stand men who acted like doormats and did not want to be treated like a goddess -it made me very uncomfortable -as the old poem goes "just walk beside me and be my friend" (rather than walking behind me and letting me lead all the time). And no "women" are not lying to themselves about this -women who are reasonably confident, smart, independent, want an equal partner- they need that just like any person -nothing to do with gender.

 

Obviously some women go for doormats, some men want to control their partners, etc I'm just disputing your generalization.

[Doc Blaze]

1. Just because other women think I'm not interesting, doesn't mean I'm NOT an interesting person. It just means I'm not spilling out things a woman might be interested about. I read things everyday that interests me. But I can't say what I just read to a person 2 weeks after I read it. Basically, interesting people are only interesting when whatever topic they are telling you is interested into you...but this is where I think people lie. I think they THINK they are interested in whatever they are saying, but in reality, they are attractive to them physically.

 

2. Women in general are better looking than men. Here's the absolute truth. Uglier men who are with extremely attractive women are together for only 2 reasons. A - They are filty rich B - The guy worships her... It's the nice guy thing. Women won't admit it, but they love a man that treats them like a Goddess.. And there are plenty of pretty boys who go "below their league" for the same reason. And these pretty boys actually will say "she's so hot, but she wants me to do this and that?? forget it!"... So what I'm trying to say is, that the uglier men with the more attractive women.. The guy is not your alpha male. He's the one that goes "yes, yes, yes, whatever you want."

 

How would you know?

 

He has the female, so i guess he is already one step head of you?

 

he might be the alpha man because he manned up and took the chance to talk to the attractive woman?

[dias]

Tov being a good looking guy is not the same like being a good looking girl. The latter doesn't even have to talk and half a dozen guys will be chasing her. A guy no matter how good looking he is , he will need to cultivate his social skills a lot in order to find even an average looking girl. So if he isn't the type of guy who will hire an escort and he lacks interpersonal skills he will have to compromise with an average or even ugly girl . Men generally are more likely to beg for sex (not in a relationship - I mean in the first stages of dating)

 

Ps sorry for any spelling mistake. Writing from phone

[dias]

I am talking based on my own experience. I know women's (like men's of course) behaviour differs from culture to culture. So you underpin your arguments from your personal experience which is vastly different than mine. I generalised a little bit , I concede that

[dias]

Take an ugly woman (so, someone with fewer choices, out the front gate). She encounters a guy who is good-looking (someone with more choices, out the front gate). Why would HE be the desperate one? What would make him desperate? (Broke? Looking for a sugar mama?) And if he's "compromising" (settling) for her, how is SHE the one making the rules about having sex? If he's desperate and makes a choice he doesn't need to make (which is a bit self-contradictory), how is that playing by HER rules? How is that not him 100% making his choices? I'm just trying to imagine an ugly woman dictating sex rules to a good-looking guy and I'm coming up short.

 

Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out your reasoning. I don't get it.

 

Not that I think there are any hard-and-fast rules, but the ones you're suggesting don't make sense to me, based on general patterns of human behavior.

 

AA and I never said that it's not his choice.