Does growing older mean you get crabbier?

[whitwhit]

I recently turned 27.

 

Ive noticed that I'm changing in very marked ways...

 

First, I've always considered myself very outgoing and social. I have always endeavoured to have a good time, and be around big parties of people. But now, I find myself brewing on how much people in general are kind of frustrating. I never seem to get what I want out of a party or a large group dinner... at least not the way I used to. Its more work emotionally, and I can't seem to make friends that last (the interactions are increasingly shallow and I get sick of doing all the work- all the initiating).

 

Because of this, I'm changing into a much more introverted person. I'm staying in a lot, because the thought of putting up with that kind of behavior just isn't appealing.

 

With my close friends (I have 3), this is of course not an issue and I love spending time with them. However, we have a habit of going to parties, bars, gatherings, group activities... and I just don't enjoy these as much as I used to. They ask me to come and I don't say yes as readily as I used to.

 

Its not just me, people I love are literally telling me I'm getting slightly ier or at least less passive in most cases. My tolerance for annoying behavior is weakening.

 

Behaviors that have set me off lately:

 

-People that can't make a decision at a restaurant (i.e they stared at the menu for 30 minutes or more).

-People that can't be on time.

-People that refuse to commit to any plans until last minute.

-Painfully shy people that make you do all the work (its fine if thats the way they are, but annoying if you are in a situation where its awkward if you don't talk to them). I try to be empathetic, but I live in Asia, where lots of people are like this. I'll meet friends for karaoke and half the room is sitting to one side silently... Its pretty annoying. Like a quiet anti-fun bomb. And the same people will come back again and again- to sit in silence and listen to the extroverts sing.

-People that take control of what the group is doing and manage poorly.

-People that don't understand you aren't sexually interested in them.

-People that watch you all night hoping you'll be drunk enough to take them home without them even trying to charm you. A friend of a friend or something. No real conversations before. They just pounce on you as you head for the cab or the exit.

-People that believe that an equal-participation conversation between more than 3 or 4 people is possible. (Consider the amount of shy people in my outer circle- impossible).

 

 

Is this normal? This kind of stuff didn't used to bother me as much. I could just brush it off. Now I'll come home after a social event and feel like I didn't have as much fun as I should have.

 

 

Is this a part of getting older?

[Hermes]

What you are describing is "gaining maturity". Maturity in your thinking and your approach. Your tolerance level for stupid, childish behaviour is lowered, and that is a very good thing.

 

Yes, it is perfectly normal, and shows you are able to see things, and people, as they really are.

[Batya33]

I do not think negativity is part of getting older. Certainly you can notice more about people - and make more nuanced observations/insights and make decisions based on what you are noticing but a general reaction of frustration/negativity is counter-productive. It's much easier to focus on the negative rather than count your blessings. That you are encountering people who are flaky could make you appreciate the reliable ones even more for example.

 

I am 49. Yesterday a friend of mine took 20 minutes out of her busy day to show me another way of looking at a stressful situation. I had called her to talk with her for 3 minutes for some quick input on a difficult email I felt I had to send. She gave me the gift of her friendship and time. My guess is that 25 years ago I might not have appreciated it as much but now I notice so much more about what makes a good friend, how precious it is when someone gives up that kind of time during a busy day, etc.

 

Then, my husband called and didn't tell me right away that we had a power outage. That was annoying because with my type A personality I would have wanted to know that ASAP so I could jump on calling the right people to resolve it. But, he is a type B and to him, chatting with me for 5 minutes first was no big deal, then slowly revealing the power outage issue. 25 years ago I would have reacted with far more irritation but with the wisdom of years I see that it is ok that he has a different way of going about things AND at the end it made no difference in getting it resolved. So in that way I am less "crabby" than when I was younger.

[luminousone]

What you are describing is "gaining maturity". Maturity in your thinking and your approach. Your tolerance level for stupid, childish behaviour is lowered, and that is a very good thing.

 

Yes, it is perfectly normal, and shows you are able to see things, and people, as they really are.

 

I would add to Hermes ^^^^^^

 

I believe this is a stage. Yes, you are gaining maturity. It is especially evident in your observations and self reflection.

 

However, eventually you will come to a stage in which you will assert your boundaries when needed, but you will understand that being so annoyed at other peoples' behavior is futile and indeed toxic to you. It is better to focus on yourself and let others focus on their own growth.

 

I am saying- assert your boundaries, but lose the crabbiness. So, for example, if a friend is chronically late, you let her know how that affects you in a calm and caring way. If she persists in being late, then you make a choice.

 

You may choose to wait 15 minutes and then leave, considering her a no show. You may choose not to make plans with her again. You may choose to continue making plans with her and just patiently wait.

 

When you grow older and wiser you will find that being judgmental toward others becomes toxic to you. You may come to an understanding that each person is on their own path to growing up, and sometimes with some people there are many detours and their pace may be much slower than yours. And knowing that, you may choose to hang out with different friends at different times of your life.

 

It is possible that your frustration is telling you that you are ready for friends that are at a similar stage of life as you.

[Hermes]

WW said:

 

"My tolerance for annoying behavior is weakening. "

 

Well said.

 

And just to add that becoming more insightful and aware, as in mature, does not necessarily mean becoming introverted, at all.

 

What will happen is you will find yourself selecting friends (as in you will raise the bar) who are not shallow and silly.

[luminousone]

I am in my 50s by the way. Batya also has added some good points.

 

I thought you might be interested in a book that helped me to let go of needless negativity.

 

Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now, was an excellent book that helped me to let go of unrealistic expectations of changing others' behavior. Ultimately we are responsible for our own behavior, but not other's. However sometimes it means we choose to be around people that are more healthy for us to be around than others.

[mfan]

I agree with Hermes that most of these are "maturity" things, not "getting older" things. Except for the karaoke; that one's because no one actually likes karaoke but no one will admit it, so you end up with lots of people sitting there bored, doing nothing. Half the people would rather sit home and clip their toenails but it sounds "antisocial" if you don't go with your friends to do karaoke, I guess because it's such a cool sounding word. I live in NYC and even here, karaoke's ruined many a lovely evening out with my friends, when one of them carelessly says wanna do karaoke and everyone else, sheep that they are, says Yeah Awesome! and then it's suddenly a sad choice for me of going and being bored or going home early and clipping my toenails - the toenails started to win as I got older. Maturity, again. Sorry, bit of a rant there

[j.man]

I'm 29 if we're considering that "older" in any way. I noticed my intolerance building up a lot for most of the behaviors you listed. But over the past couple years, my tolerance has built back up. I think it was simply the realization that, like it or not, a good many people simply aren't going to "mature" in the same way we have. I'd lead a pretty stressful life if I allowed myself to get miffed whenever someone acted rude or selfishly.

 

I will admit that I have and to an extent continue to use such behaviors as an excuse to quip. But that's simply for the sake of my own entertainment. Being an ***hole o other ***holes can be a pretty fun hobby.

[melancholy123]

This is called maturing or growing up not getting crabby. I find I have no patience for bullish*t now of any sort and that comes with getting older and knowing what you want and dont want. It's all part of the process!

[Capricorn3]

What you are describing is "gaining maturity". Maturity in your thinking and your approach. Your tolerance level for stupid, childish behaviour is lowered, and that is a very good thing.

 

Yes, it is perfectly normal, and shows you are able to see things, and people, as they really are.

 

I think this post covers it all. Totally agree.

[tiredofvampires]

I think becoming more discerning about the kind of company you keep is a sign of maturity -- i.e., choosing people who can be serious when needed, who know how to communicate, who are good listeners and not just consumed in their own petty dramas, etc.

 

But becoming more annoyed at people, crabby, impatient, and judgmental is not an inevitable or desirable hallmark of either maturity or "getting older" (putting on more mileage.) Some of the things you listed are normal things to be bothered by (people who habitually are late and don't respect your time, or who hijack a group and manage it poorly). It's appropriate to be bothered by these things. But just getting annoyed isn't really a hallmark of maturity on it's own -- how you communicate with people doing such things is.

 

There are other things you listed there that are definitely not necessarily about age or wisdom. Getting annoyed that someone can't decide what they want to eat at a restaurant? Getting annoyed at shy people? Some things you listed I could say annoy me (I live in a predominantly Asian culture and can't relate to people not speaking up), but that's a reflection of me not getting certain needs met. It has nothing to do with getting older.

 

I've worked with elderly people and there are generally two types: those who are constantly complaining about everything and everyone, finding little faults in everything. And then there are the types who live and let live, and things roll off their back because they can't take life all that seriously anymore -- it's all a little amusing or endearing to them.

 

I definitely know which group I aspire to.

 

It sounds to me more like you're becoming impatient, and this means you're dissatisfied with something or things in your life. Some reflection on what those things are would be good, so that you can pinpoint what isn't working in your world for you. Getting annoyed at people for being how they are is often a sign you're not satisfied with who you are or where you're at. When it starts to feel like the whole world needs to change, it's something with us that usually needs to change. And if you don't like going to social events as much as you used to, maybe you've outgrown the people you tend to hang around or environments you get involved with. Things to ponder.

[Fudgie]

Being crabbier isn't always a sign of getting older. I am actually less crabby now than I used to be when I was younger. I think people become more "set in their ways", and this is true for me I think, but I am not more crabby.

[catfeeder]

[...] I am saying- assert your boundaries, but lose the crabbiness. [...]

 

When you grow older and wiser you will find that being judgmental toward others becomes toxic to you.

 

Yep. We do get to decide whether we want to grow brittle and hostile, or whether we opt for resiliency. Our attitudes and beliefs are our own to control, and maturity can serve us well to make smart choices about these.

 

There are people who've mellowed with age and have become more relaxed and joyful over time, and there are the crotchety 'old' farts in their 20's. You get to pick.

 

Also, try cutting out caffeine if you consume it. When I couldn't figure out why I was becoming so stressed and irritated, I didn't associate this with my caffeine intake. I dropped it for other reasons, and it's like someone gave me a magic sedative--I'm back to my old, patient and optimistic self again, and it feels fabulous.

 

You may come to an understanding that each person is on their own path to growing up, and sometimes with some people there are many detours and their pace may be much slower than yours. And knowing that, you may choose to hang out with different friends at different times of your life.

 

It is possible that your frustration is telling you that you are ready for friends that are at a similar stage of life as you.

 

This is really well said. When we're young we're blank slates that can homogenize with practically anyone. As we mature, we start to solidify in our personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea--and they won't be ours.

 

You may be mid-awkward stage between saying goodbye to your young party-girl self but have not yet learned new skills of reaching for more fulfilling ways to pursue interests and the kinds of friends who will bond with you through those.

 

So while some irritation with the status quo is natural, use it to propel yourself forward instead of staying stuck in the same-old and frustrated--or closing yourself off socially altogether.

 

Head high.

[itsallgrand]

Lots of great posts.

 

When I read your post, OP, I thought "hmm, sounds to me like she is just growing out of her partying phase". Some people have longer or shorter ones than others. My party phase lasted all of maybe a year or two. But then, I am naturally more on the cusp of introverted.