My Boyfriends daughter uses his shower!

[itsallgrand]

To each their own, but I would feel awkward spending the night when his children are there. This is not meant to sound harsh, but they shouldn't have to change their lifestyle. Just my opinion...

 

Yes, I agree.

 

Put yourself in their shoes and their viewpoint for a minute. Lack of boundaries and all. Whether you think they are 'right' or not.

 

It is their home. You are a guest. You get along for the most part, and that is great, but I do think it is overstepping bounds to start deciding where they are allowed to shower.

 

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh too. I remember being 15+ and my moms boyfriend at the time staying over for sleep overs and being at the house. He ended up becoming a step father figure to me, and he was a good man. I even thought so at the time. He was good to us.

 

But when they tried to do the psuedo moving in routine, you better bet I marked territory. It's threatening. And it's invasive. To have this outside person take over your home.

 

You may not see it that way. And you deserve to be treated with respect. Sounds like they do for the most part? Just this particular issue?

 

I do think it should be you who backs down on this one, and let them have it.

 

If it's too uncomfortable for you to stay the night in those circumstances, more nights at your place. And maybe make a plan for when you will move in together. I think that is fair to ask: so hon, I'd like us to live together full time in the reasonable future. When do you see that being something would could do?

 

Especially since the youngest of everyone is 16, we are talking not a very long time of having to adjust for the kids.

 

By the way, my mom and step dad waited til we were out of the house to move in together. It was funny because they actually ended up liking the two home arrangement so much, that he didn't move in full time until years after we were gone. And I have great memories of visiting them on his farm!

 

A little bit of give now, maybe a lifetime of these kids trusting you.

 

Again, I know it may sound dramatic, but these little things can matter a lot. I have tremendous respect for my late step father. And we grew very close. So just sharing what worked for me. Keeping in mind I was a kid who had run of the house and very little boundaries enforced, I sort of think I know where she is coming from and what may work. If you push the issue, you could create a stand off, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

[Ms Darcy]

This might be her subconscious way of saying you are violating her boundaries by spending the night/extended periods of time in her home.

[brokenheart911]

He has full custody of his children and we spend a lot of time with his kids, bowling, movies, hockey and dinners. My staying over is not awkward at all, not for any of us. They don't want to see their mom and still have issues with what she did. They have shared their story with me and are comfortable around me.

[brokenheart911]

Thank you for that advice. I think it would be the best solution considering that my boyfriend and I did everything to renovate their bathroom to their liking.

[brokenheart911]

Not harsh at all, I am taking everyone's viewpoint and trying to understand their side as well so that we are all happy.

[Seraphim]

I will say now that my stepsister has a really good relationship with my mom now that she's an adult. ( she is 38 now) And now she has five kids of her own.

[Andrina]

The long term problem you might have is his children's failure to launch. Since he sets no boundaries, then you can expect that even when they are 30 years old, that he would not demand that they get their own place. If you plan on co-habiting one day, you can expect that they still live there as adults, and might even have their own partner moving in, and possibly having his grandchildren there, since he doesn't have a spine and lacks parenting skills in certain areas.

[abitbroken]

He has full custody of his children and we spend a lot of time with his kids, bowling, movies, hockey and dinners. My staying over is not awkward at all, not for any of us. They don't want to see their mom and still have issues with what she did. They have shared their story with me and are comfortable around me.

 

But you don't really know that. Just because you go bowling and his kids think you are okay to hang out with like a big sis doesn't mean they are comfortable with you sleeping in their dad's bed.

 

Also, there might not be anything to it. The tub in dad's bathroom is better. I know in one house the master bedroom had a nice shower and the tub in the other bathroom was a pain to clean, esp when you get hard water stains or stains from well water. It wasn't a territory issue - the master shower was used about 70% of the time. This was my house I was talking of and I rarely had guests spend the night, but when they did, and they just stayed a night or two, they would use the master shower as I didn't feel like cleaning the tub. If they stayed a week, they used the tub.

 

So if dad has a shower stall and the kids' bathroom is a shower/tub combo and dad's bathroom has a better mirror/more outlets, it could be habit and practical reasons why they use it. It is THEIR house after all.

[abitbroken]

The long term problem you might have is his children's failure to launch. Since he sets no boundaries, then you can expect that even when they are 30 years old, that he would not demand that they get their own place. If you plan on co-habiting one day, you can expect that they still live there as adults, and might even have their own partner moving in, and possibly having his grandchildren there, since he doesn't have a spine and lacks parenting skills in certain areas.

 

A 16 year old should not "launch" and a 19 is expected to be more mature, but if in college, they are really not expected to these days either. If they were 30, I would say "failure to launch" would be more right. I don't think using a bathroom predicts the future nonlaunch of kids.

 

I hardly call bathroom use anything to do with being spineless. He might not see it as such a big deal. You don't get privacy with kids. Its not like they are 18 months old and he can tuck them in their crib and they can't get out.

[Andrina]

I guess you missed the OP's other post, which was the reason for my prediction: "Thank you for your input. His kids have said it time and time again that they are going to live with him for as long as they can because they have no responsibilities, chores or rules to follow. No parameters whatsoever. They even call him in the middle of the afternoon if we are out to say "what time are you coming home, we're hungry". They do not even make themselves toast. My kids have always been self sufficient so this is very frustrating to me"

 

 

A 16 year old should not "launch" and a 19 is expected to be more mature, but if in college, they are really not expected to these days either. If they were 30, I would say "failure to launch" would be more right. I don't think using a bathroom predicts the future nonlaunch of kids.

 

I hardly call bathroom use anything to do with being spineless. He might not see it as such a big deal. You don't get privacy with kids. Its not like they are 18 months old and he can tuck them in their crib and they can't get out.

[DoF]

Thank you for your input. His kids have said it time and time again that they are going to live with him for as long as they can because they have no responsibilities, chores or rules to follow. No parameters whatsoever. They even call him in the middle of the afternoon if we are out to say "what time are you coming home, we're hungry". They do not even make themselves toast. My kids have always been self sufficient so this is very frustrating to me.

 

This is a HUGE red flag. This is an issue with HIM, not them. They are simply doing whatever allowed.

 

Parent that spoils their kids, is the worst kind. It makes the kids selfish, arrogant and self centered (to say the least).

 

Also, no responsibilities, chores or rules? Ohh HELL no. EVERYONE in the family contributes.

 

These kids sound like spoiled brats, and this is on your "boyfriend".

 

Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me and I would end this relationship. His kids will have him wrapped around their finger FOREVER and your relationship will be effected.

 

Also, you will NEVER be his priority, these spoiled brats WILL.

 

Sounds like is a push over, and has no balls to me. That's not a man!

 

Run forest run

[WithLove]

I haven't read any of the replies on here - but I wanted to add that as a child and into my teens, I used my parents' shower, too. I hated mine, for some reason. The water pressure was terrible in 'my' shower and I just didn't like it.

[alli]

As someone else mentioned, she may have used the bathroom because the other one was occupied when she needed it, or she's just used to using the master bath. Some people just have certain bathrooms they prefer for whatever reason, and if she had been using his for a long time it makes sense that she wouldn't instantly switch to solely using the other bathroom even after it was renovated. Another thing to consider is privacy. I obviously don't know the layout of your home, but sometimes people know when their bathroom activities are going to create more noise & prefer to go someplace where they are less likely to be heard. I just don't really see this as a non-verbal power struggle but as someone continuing what has always been their normal routine or just choosing the bathroom they are more comfortable with or offers more privacy.

 

I don't see why that's a problem if you or your boyfriend aren't occupying the adjacent bedroom at the time. That said, when you guys announced that you were going to bed & the son said he wanted to shower I don't see why you or your boyfriend wouldn't just tell him to use the other shower.

 

It sounds like there are other issues going on as well, but that's my two cents on the bathroom issue.

[East4]

Perhaps too drastic a measure, but why don't you discuss with your boyfriend locking up the bedroom door and the shower door? After a few weeks of finding the shower door locked up with a key, the children will start using the other shower room. If they complain, you will remind them the agreement. Like that you will change the dynamics. Instead of you being the complainer, now the daughter will take this role on her.

[mhowe]

It is their home, and OP is a guest. Looking a door to a bathroom so it can't be used when you aren't home is a bit much, eh?

[East4]

As a said it is a drastic measure, that's why the boyfriend has to agree.

On the other hand breaking up over shower issues will be a pity, after all OP and her BF have invested 1 1/2 year in this relationship. So, courtesy vs. demise of a relationship this is the question.

 

By the way we were in the habit to lock up our bedroom door with my ex-husband when we were in need of privacy, so that our son would not surprise us in the action.

[notalady]

Everything was great until I went to put my towel in the hamper and noticed his daughters panties in the hamper and her tampon applicator in the garbage bin.

 

I do not think this is normal behavior. I need to address this again, I am at the point where I don't feel respected.

 

So if I understand correctly, they are no longer using the bathroom in inconvenient hours or in a way that intrudes your privacy but the girl did use it when none of you were needing the bathroom or bedroom (as you clearly only became aware of it afterwards)? So what's the problem then? Is it really that big a deal for her to use it when it doesn't interfere with your privacy?

[brokenheart911]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. So many different points of view. Your comments will at least give me a starting point to set some timelines for myself, while my boyfriends kids get used to using their newly renovated bathroom. I will have patience for a little while longer, if things remain the same then I will re-evaluate my relationship and make a decision at that time.

 

This forum is a great place to seek advice, thanks again

[brokenheart911]

The big deal is that her washroom was renovated to her liking. She shopped with us and chose what she wanted. I feel that if she could use the one her dad and I share, then she could also use the one that was custom ordered.....bit frustrating for me. I do not go into their bathroom or their private space in the basement or their bedrooms. The kids should also give the same respect in return that I give them.

[Seraphim]

It could be that she just used it out of habit.

[brokenheart911]

Victoria66, you may be right. Who knows, we'll see how it goes.