brokenheart911 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Hello everyone, I have been away from this site for quite some time, but I am dealing with a dilemma in my new relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for the last year and a half. He has sole custody of a 16 year old boy and 19 year old daughter. There are many issues but I will only discuss the one that is most important to me. His kids both use his shower. At anytime they feel like it, even if we say we are going up to bed. One or the other usually jumps up to say "going to have a shower". My boyfriend just says "We'll go up as soon as their done". Its now about 12 midnight and I am not in the mood for anything, somewhat fell asleep on the couch waiting and I just want to get to bed! His daughter was in there one time with her girlfriend doing their hair and make up. Yep, I had to wait till they were done. To make a long story short, I discussed this with my boyfriend and told him how this is affecting our relationship as well as the fact that we have absolutely no privacy. He said he would take care of it and things changed for a few weeks and then right back to the same old. I spoke to him again making it very clear that the kids should use their own shower (btw they didn't like there shower and bathroom because it was outdated). I let him know that if this issue didn't get resolved we would limit to spending nights together at my place (my kids are 21 and 23) my older son lives on his own my younger son is still in University. He spoke to his kids and gave himself a 3 week time frame to completely renovate their bathroom. He and I painted, changed the toilet, mirror, re-grouted the floor tiles, painted the cabinets, changed the faucet and he had a glass door installed on the tub. It looks amazing. We did it together as a team and everyone seemed happy. I was! Until Sunday night, after a long day of cooking and entertaining at his place I finally got to go up to shower and wind down. Everything was great until I went to put my towel in the hamper and noticed his daughters panties in the hamper and her tampon applicator in the garbage bin. I do not think this is normal behavior. I need to address this again, I am at the point where I don't feel respected. We all get along but this is honestly driving a huge wedge between us. Any advice please? Link to comment
SURPRISE Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 That's a tough one. He should be making sure you feel that you have some privacy at his home as that is the right thing to do. If that means the kids need a routine change then it should happen by him enforcing it and not making you out to be the problem and or making you feel dis-respected. Make sure he knows that then back off. If he can't manage it himself that might be an indication of what your future holds with other issues not even related to the kids. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 OK ,this is been their pattern except for the past year and a half. Is it their father's home the one they grew up in? I don't see that changing until they leave home. When my mother remarried and blended two families together she refused to move into my stepdad's home ,steadfast refused. Exactly for the reasons you have here. They bought their own house together and made new rules. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 It might be that the daughter subconsciously or not is making a statement here about whose home this is. I was in a live in situation for a while with a divorced man with 2 teenagers. I suppose that was very emotional for the girl even though she liked me. I think you might be better off to just drop it, and find other places and times to be intimate. Link to comment
catcountry Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 His kids, his home. Do you pay the mortgage? Just wondering? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 For about three years my stepdad's daughter made subtle and not-so-subtle statements to my mom that she was queen of the house not my mother. She was also a teenager at the time. ( her mother had passed away when she was 11) Eventually my stepsister left home at 18 and never returned. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 I do not pay the mortgage. I do contribute when I make meals for them, take his daughter out on girls nights, pay for any classes of interest for her and I. Lend her my car when needed and clean up and organize the house when it is out of control. Never asking or expecting anything in return. I do these things because I sincerely care for them. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Yes, this is the home they grew up in. He has no intentions of moving or disrupting their routine or comfort level. In the divorce he admitted to overpaying for the house so he didn't have to move. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 The thing is you've come into their family home that they've always had and demand that they change their routine that's been in place for years. That is probably not likely to happen. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Maybe she used it because her brother or friend was in the other bathroom and you weren't home. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Thank you for your input. His kids have said it time and time again that they are going to live with him for as long as they can because they have no responsibilities, chores or rules to follow. No parameters whatsoever. They even call him in the middle of the afternoon if we are out to say "what time are you coming home, we're hungry". They do not even make themselves toast. My kids have always been self sufficient so this is very frustrating to me. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 I should clarify, both kids always used his shower. His son seems to have stopped for now, she still uses it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 He has raised them to be this way. They are virtually adults so you're not going to change this. And being it is their family home I don't think they're probably going to leave until he kicks them out. And it sounds like he has no problems with the way they are. So if you really can't stand it is probably best to end this relationship. Really I can't see it getting better. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 The shower is the least of your worries. Due to the guilt of the divorce, he has spoiled then and established no boundaries, routines...etc. They have no respect for him and will use him as long as he allows it. I imagine it is hard for you to respect him as well. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 I have only asked that her dad and I have some privacy and I don't think I have asked for much. I haven't made any other requests. Perhaps you are right I may be fighting an endless battle. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Yes that is another issue. One that I wasn't going to touch on quite yet. I have lost a great deal of respect for him at this point, however; I do love him and he is truly a good person. Just not able to give the kids any boundaries. This creates a problem for me because many times I see how much they take advantage of his good nature and it hurts to stand back and watch. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Perhaps you remove date nights to your place then. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 You won't change his parenting style at this point. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Thanks Victora66, I appreciate your direct insight. Link to comment
brokenheart911 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 That would be a temporary solution and I can re-evaluate in a few months. Thank you Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 To each their own, but I would feel awkward spending the night when his children are there. This is not meant to sound harsh, but they shouldn't have to change their lifestyle. Just my opinion... Link to comment
milkyway Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I think you are taking this too seriously. I understand you would want some privacy and that's totally reasonable. But you are talking about the big-respect or not- issue with a kid, and that's a bit too uptight. Try to understand that they are just kids (although should be old enough to know better), and also try to understand that it has been their habit for the past few years. Be patient and talk to them, give them few more chances before get into the all serious thoughts about being respected or not. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 The daughter may be marking her territory. Be wary...you have solved the physical issue, not the emotional one. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I have only asked that her dad and I have some privacy Perhaps the fact that she's now only using the master bath when you're not there (re: her panties in your hamper and the stuff in the trash can) is her way of giving you privacy. Has anyone actually come right out and been straight up with them and said: "The master bath is now off limits to anyone at anytime but us?" If you haven't, why not?... particularly now that their excuse before was that the other bath was so outdated... and that has been remedied. This whole thing could just be resolved with that one statement and if the 'rule' isn't abided then there must be some consequence that their dad would advise them of. End the situation with a solution like that. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I can tell you from experience you will not likely be able to change this dynamic. This is how they always did stuff. It was a big issue with my step sons. My ex wife never set boundaries. I would say you will have to get a new house together to shake this up. They are likely more his friends than his children. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.