Canceling a first date ends it all...how do you handle them

[localvet]

So curious how you all see this. If a gal cancels out on our first date, I am through. I am not rude, just say ok no problem...etc. However I never reach out to her again. I figure that with all the mid life flake outs (yes I did my share of flaking) and people getting cold feet it isn't worth trying to be someones counselor and ease them out, hoping they don't see their own shadow. And yes, sometimes they cancel because they may have found something better, online dating and all. However, if they cancel and in the same line want to reschedule and have a new time and date I am good with that and will go along.

 

So this is how I view it, I would like to see you all handle them?

[John John]

I've only had this happen to me a few times...but I have zero tolerance policy for flakes. Depending on how our communication pre-date has been and how valid the reason seems, I take it on a case by case basis. But if there's any doubt on my part regarding her sincerity, I stop contacting her and wait to see her next move.

[Patrick974]

Its often repeated here, but when the ball in in your court, your move. Otherwise I consider it over.

[pippy longstocking]

it isn't worth trying to be someones counselor and ease them out,

 

I agree with this a million %

[sargon]

I'd be more tolerant.

 

Things happen.

 

No shows are an entirely different scenario, I wouldn't give a no show the time of day.

 

That happened to me only once. Wrote her a nasty message never heard back.

 

Lots of people playing games.

[Dottieflanogon]

To me it depends on if the person contacts me and explains why the date was cancelled, if there is no contact then I would delete the person from contacting me as I will not tolerate being treated this way by anyone. Each situation is different and it depends on how it is handled.On the other hand, I generally assume that the guy was not particularly interested to begin with, but would consider trying again if he followed up after the fact

[IAmFCA]

To me it depends on if the person contacts me and explains why the date was cancelled, if there is no contact then I would delete the person from contacting me as I will not tolerate being treated this way by anyone. Each situation is different and it depends on how it is handled.On the other hand, I generally assume that the guy was not particularly interested to begin with, but would consider trying again if he followed up after the fact

 

Agree with this.

 

So much is situational. The guy I am dating now I met on line, where he sidnt.post a pic. I automatically ignore when there is no pic. But I messaged him anyhow. Don't know why exactly. Just felt like he was honest. The same intuition would guide me here.

[reinventmyself]

Case by case as well. Unless you have some overwhelming gut feeling it was a flake out, I give most people one chance only to redeem themselves.

If it happens again then it crosses over into being a pattern. That's when I'm done.

[Batya33]

I usually gave one chance unless it was egregious - I was stood up one time (pre-e-mail/cell) and his excuse was that he forgot so...no chances.

[faraday]

If they rescheduled when they cancelled...i would meet them. If they cancelled with no plan to meet me at a later time...I didn't give them a second thought.

 

I had options. I wasn't interested in chasing down people to meet and date me...it's supposed to be easy...not this complicated over thinking kind of situation, you know?

[ManyDates]

Had this happen for the first time last week. We met on a dating site and had been chatting and finally set a time to meet up, about 5 hours before the date she said she was taking a break from dating and didn't want to waste my time?

 

Uhhh ooook.

 

I just deleted her text/number and moved onto the next one

[notalady]

At least she told you she isn't going to meet you at all, ever, rather than saying she was busy and give you the impression that she might meet with you another time.

[pippy longstocking]

At least she told you she isn't going to meet you at all, ever, rather than saying she was busy and give you the impression that she might meet with you another time.

 

yeah exactly ...I think there would be a few less fuffed up people if we all showed a little respect and honesty !!!

[notalady]

Just to offer a different perspective, I remember last year when I just got back into online dating, I had actually cancelled on a first and a second date with two guys, lol...

 

Once was a first meet with a guy I wasn't all that interested in (online conversation was pretty boring but he seemed nice), his work schedule can be unpredictable, so to be safe, he asked me to meet him at 7pm, that was too late for me for a first meet, considering I have to stay around the CBD for 2 hours to wait for him after work, then make a long trip home. We tried to arrange a day a few times with no agreement. In the end we did agree on a day, but the day before I seriously reconsidered, because a/ I really am not interested enough and b/ all this was too much effort, I felt put off. If it's this hard to arrange to meet now, how am I suppose to date this guy? So told him something came up and I had to cancel, because I didn't want to tell him "sorry I'm just not interested in you", which I thought would be rude and would seem odd because why did I agree to meet in the first place if so? Anyway he tried to reschedule at a later date and I just didn't respond, I know I know lol...

 

The other guy, we had a first meet and he asked me out on a proper date, it was a pleasant first meet so I agreed. However I was very on the fence about it. I don't think we had enough in common and I really didn't find him attractive. Also just a couple of days before, I thought about it more seriously, and found that the thought of seeing him actually stressed me out, it was weird, I guess I felt like it was a chore and I was simply not looking forward to it. But given I already agreed to go, it's hard to pull out the "no chemistry" line (I suppose I could have anyway), so I told him I had decided I wasn't ready to date anyone yet, apologised and wished him luck. On the first date, I think I told him I had broken up with my ex for a while and had been online dating for 6 months or something. So after that message, his response was "Must be tough to decide you're not ready after all this time? Thanks for letting me know." So he pretty much called me out lol.. good on him, but to be honest, I couldn't care less.

 

Now I have to clarify that 99% of the time I do not cancel on a first meet, nor do I accept a date then cancel it. Generally I simply don't accept a date to begin with if I wasn't that interested. But sometimes you feel a bit off centred, having a strange day or whatever, you thought, no harm giving them a try. But later decide, you know what, I don't think I will after all.

 

I guess all I'm saying is sometimes people are on the fence, sometimes people change their minds, and sometimes people are uncomfortable telling an unpleasant (and probably hurtful) truth to someone they don't know (aka someone they've never met or met once or twice). That doesn't mean they were intentionally jerking you around.

 

All you can do is don't take it too seriously or personally. Don't hound them for a date. If they cancelled once and are genuinely interested, you bet they will reschedule. If not, then forget about them, they are not interested.

[Doc Blaze]

it depends case by case...

 

im pretty good at reading people and seeing through BS

 

i wouldnt automatically count them out...

 

 

first..is there another date setup

second..say we were in contact often then after the canceled date the person totally

acts different..then im probably going to call it quits and move on

[journeynow]

I guess all I'm saying is sometimes people are on the fence, sometimes people change their minds, and sometimes people are uncomfortable telling an unpleasant (and probably hurtful) truth to someone they don't know (aka someone they've never met or met once or twice). That doesn't mean they were intentionally jerking you around.

 

I don't get this. It seems to me you ARE deciding to jerk them around. If you are on the fence, why not keep your word, go on the date, get more information about them, and decide from there? And why not tell the truth to someone you don't know? If you don't find them attractive, and don't want to give it a chance, why say yes to a date in the first place? If you don't feel safe meeting them, that is different.

[Sportster2005]

So curious how you all see this. If a gal cancels out on our first date, I am through. I am not rude, just say ok no problem...etc. However I never reach out to her again. I figure that with all the mid life flake outs (yes I did my share of flaking) and people getting cold feet it isn't worth trying to be someones counselor and ease them out, hoping they don't see their own shadow. And yes, sometimes they cancel because they may have found something better, online dating and all. However, if they cancel and in the same line want to reschedule and have a new time and date I am good with that and will go along.

 

So this is how I view it, I would like to see you all handle them?

 

If they don't offer to re-schedule they have probably lost interest. I don't reach out to them after. As they are breaking the date I offer to reschedule. If they don't have an alternate date/time I just move on.

 

You seem to be getting cynical. That's not helpful.

[notalady]

I don't get this. It seems to me you ARE deciding to jerk them around. If you are on the fence, why not keep your word, go on the date, get more information about them, and decide from there? And why not tell the truth to someone you don't know? If you don't find them attractive, and don't want to give it a chance, why say yes to a date in the first place? If you don't feel safe meeting them, that is different.

 

I already wrote the whole thought process behind cancelling, to share some "behind the scene" insight to potential scenarios of someone cancelling a date and how he should handle it. I think there's no need to further discuss or critique a personal choice I've made in the past.

[BigKK]

I'm in the no mercy crew.

 

I don't tolerate flakes. If your grandma died, you better fax me the death certificate and some before and after photos. Although I don't remember the last first date I have been flaked on, just lucky I guess, or didn't date enough

[notalady]

If your grandma died, you better fax me the death certificate and some before and after photos.

 

Fax? What year do you live in!

[LoveSoDeep]

There's a difference between "I have to cancel a date" and "I want to cancel a date."

 

Have to: Something really happened and I really just can't meet you at the date and time we arranged. In this case I will apologize (possibly profusely), and give time that does work so that we can go out at a later date. If this happens and the guy never contacts me again, I think he's too rigid and more than likely a jerk and I delete him from my phone and move on.

 

Want to: I'm just not feeling it for one reason or another. I will usually say why as long as it's not something really mean to have to say and I do apologize. No mention of another date or when we can reschedule. In this case I prefer the guy not contact me again and if he does I ignore.

 

So really the way you tell the difference...at least if it's me that cancels is if I offer and alternative time (specifically as in "can we move this to next Friday?" not just "maybe some other time"). If I do then please take it. If I don't then please exit graciously. It's that simple.

[Patrick974]

Fax? What year do you live in!

 

Its still used in offices.

 

I get BigKK point about flakiness. Im usually tolerant, things happen... But repeated flakes means not interested unless something really tragic happened... It takes some people days to respond a text and they eventually get back at you. Not often. After a week NC I think its cold case.

[sargon]

Fax? What year do you live in!

 

I work in a medical office and we uses faxes all the time and so do other offices and companies that we deal with.

[Striker0602]

[/Quote] So really the way you tell the difference...at least if it's me that cancels is if I offer and alternative time (specifically as in "can we move this to next Friday?" not just "maybe some other time"). If I do then please take it. If I don't then please exit graciously. It's that simple.

 

So.... what you're like 15... people who do this are super common, especially in the online dating world. 90% of the reason I'm not doing the online thing for awhile. I'm only 30 but I can still remember the pre online era where there was enough respect to tell a person no and be straightforward instead of playing the "I hope he gets the hint" game. "Exit graciously," as if this behavior deserves some kind of reward. "Its that simple" you mean after ive done all the work trying to be the most intetesting man in the world, post pictures of myself that dont show ANY flaws since just one will scare you off... just to get your attention, and then hope to god that am able to actually meet you, only to find i need to "take a hint" and figure out that you're not interested, even though EVERYONE knows chemistry happens in person, because youd rather ignore me than have a little courage and tell me straight. What a awesome way find a man. Lol yes I'm a bit frustrated at the online dating etiquette ive encountered recently!

[Stay_home]

I would only pull the plug on someone if they gave a really bogus reason behind cancelling the date.