Canceling a first date ends it all...how do you handle them

[ManyDates]

This all just sounds like you like the attention of getting messages from guys on dating sites, but aren't actually ready to date anyone unless its super easy for you - let me take a wild guess, you've been on dozens of first dates but rarely ever a 2nd or 3rd?

[notalady]

This all just sounds like you like the attention of getting messages from guys on dating sites, but aren't actually ready to date anyone unless its super easy for you - let me take a wild guess, you've been on dozens of first dates but rarely ever a 2nd or 3rd?

 

Thanks for the psychoanalysis.

[LoveSoDeep]

No, I'm 38. The reason I don't come right out and tell every guy that I'm not feeling it or there's no chemistry or whatever the reason is....well some men don't take it very gracefully. They all say they want the truth but when faced with it, sometimes they turn into big babies. After one meeting or maybe one date I don't own them an answer.

 

Oh and you shouldn't be going to such great lengths to "hide" your flaws....if you happen to suppress them in your profile and they come out later it's not going to work out anyway. I say let your "freak flag fly" - not saying you're a freak it's just that you need to own everything about who you are embrace your flaws....love yourself for them if you don't, no woman will.

[Batya33]

No, I'm 38. The reason I don't come right out and tell every guy that I'm not feeling it or there's no chemistry or whatever the reason is....well some men don't take it very gracefully. They all say they want the truth but when faced with it, sometimes they turn into big babies. After one meeting or maybe one date I don't own them an answer.

 

Oh and you shouldn't be going to such great lengths to "hide" your flaws....if you happen to suppress them in your profile and they come out later it's not going to work out anyway. I say let your "freak flag fly" - not saying you're a freak it's just that you need to own everything about who you are embrace your flaws....love yourself for them if you don't, no woman will.

 

I think not responding after a first meet or a few dates is fine with exceptions (i.e. guy went the extra mile, or you promised to see the person again while on the date).

 

One guy insisted on a first meet at an expensive restaurant despite my asking to meet for drinks. This was about 12 years ago - bill w/o alcohol was $80. I knew during the date there was no way I wanted to see him again and I resented offering to chip in because I wouldn't have chosen that restaurant. I offered, he accepted. Then he emailed to ask me out again and I did respond with a polite no. He emailed begging me for specific feedback so I responded with it (only talked about himself and his work, asked me no questions, too much negativity). I did so also because we were in the same field and knew of some people in common. He thanked me.

 

About 2 years later he emailed me again profusely thanking me for the feedback -that it had been a turning point (although he was single at this point). Strangely he did not ask to see me again despite my indicating interest (I would have given him another chance). That time it worked well - but most times it was as Lovesodeep wrote.

[faraday]

I'm a huge advocate of...when people find that they're the common denominator (repeated first dates and no second dates or making it to 8 dates repeatedly or whatever), going back and asking what happened. But it needs to be done a few months after...so that the emotions are taken out if it...and it needs to be done without expectations.

 

I had a few guys ask me why I didn't want a second date...and if it was something tangible (like the guy who checked out every single woman that walked past us in the coffee shop, or the guy that called my child a "burden" or the guy that came on way too strong and called me his gf after meeting him once) I would gladly tell them. Unfortunately, it often led to them trying to negotiate with me "I won't check out other girls when I'm with you!" Or "I'll try to go slower. I just like you. A lot. I can be different. I can be whatever you want me to be". Ahhh! Lol.

 

But I went back to a few guys that I had several dates with that ended thing with me (that I *really* liked) to find out why they ended things...and it really helped me to understand how I was projecting myself inaccurately...and how I could project myself accurate and in a more positive light.

 

I think people invest way too much in a date or two though...and that doesn't lead to success- because how can we be ourselves (and be objective about the other person) if we're desperate for the other person to like us?

 

It's important to have options. Date as many people as possible (in the beginning). Meet as many people as possible. Because scarcity in dating will lead to settling and desperation. Not good for long term success.