Imperfections

[localvet]

I need honest input, not insults and please don’t just attack and call me shallow.

 

So I started dating again, met a great intelligent funny gal that I think is very pretty. She is small, cute and active. Here is the issue; she has lost about 100 pounds. This means some loose skin and a lot of stretch marks, and she is not firm, but not squishy. Her arms are a bit soft.. She is early 30’s, I am early 40’s. Everything looks fine clothes, and what I have seen so far is not too bad. Here is my concern, will I become obsessed with the imperfections in the long term. I am in very good shape, and I have and can get a super fit girl. I just wonder if it is really possible to fall so hard for someone that you do not see or mind the imperfections at all.

 

So I would like to hear your experiences with imperfections. Again, yes, we all have imperfections, yes, it is the personality that counts, etc. I am just trying to visualize every possible future red flag I may throw up in front of myself

[John John]

My date and I were talking about this last night. How everyone has imperfections, and the next girl might now have the flabby skin (from loosing all that weight), but the next girl might not be as pretty, the one after her might not have as great a career, the one after that might not be a great cook, etc. I'm not sure if you met her from online dating, but I feel like it makes it all to easy for us to find a flaw and then just say to ourselves "I'll sign on to my profile and find someone better." I am NOT saying you are like this OP, but I know many people (myself included, when I first started dating again) fall prey to that mindset.

 

I am in very good shape myself, but have no problem dating women of slightly different body types. I recently dated a curvier girl when I was abroad (curvy, NOT online dating curvy, which equates to fat or obese many times), and I found her super hot. Previously, I'd have never dated a curvy girl. Are you attracted to her otherwise (not sure if you've been intimate with her yet)? Try to get to know her. She may be a wonderful girl, and you seem to find her attractive otherwise.

 

We all have dealbreakers, though. If you feel this will be a dealbreaker in the longrun, best to let her go sooner rather than later.

[Hermes]

Localvet.

 

Well there is a solution for most everything. You could encourage this girl to join you in your fitness programme and get involved in an intensive exercise regime. Once muscle tone improves the slackness of skin will improve too. Plus there are creams and lotions which can help with those stretch marks, at least to some extent.

 

However, from your post do I gather that you also have a super fit girl at the moment...?

 

"...I am in very good shape, and I have and can get a super fit girl"

 

"

[WithLove]

Thing is, though, you created this thread, which means you've already thought about her stretch marks and loose skin as 'imperfections' and that's always how you will view it. I know you mean well and you probably are very impressed that she lost the weight and looks good now; but even still, you have described it as something that bothers you or will likely bother you.

 

Concerning this girl in particular - let her go. Find someone that's more your type physically so that you can concentrate on her values and what she brings to the table - not something that you already feel may become an obstacle for you.

[melancholy123]

I'm having a hard time not calling you shallow, because I think you are. It's really a shame that so many people place such value on things that dont really matter, such as being heavy or having lost a lot of weight and their skin is not as firm as it could be. I would have pegged you for being a teen or early 20s as that age group places so much stock in how someone looks. I'm really surprised you are in your 40s.

 

I've always battled with my weight, and I am on the chubby side but far from obese. I am glad my husband looked beyond that and saw me for who I am. You could lose out on a great girl if you keep your current mind set.

[Heather Dawn]

No one is perfect, and you may pass her up for someone with a perfect body only to find that the new woman is lacking in personality, intelligence, etc.

 

That said, physical attraction is definitely an important part of a relationship and you can't stay with someone you like a lot if there's no attraction. But I'll say this: If you find you ARE attracted to her once you've been intimate, imperfections and all, those feelings won't go away as your emotional connection deepens - in fact, it's the imperfections that will start fading away for you.

 

So, see what happens.

[WithLove]

I'm having a hard time not calling you shallow, because I think you are. It's really a shame that so many people place such value on things that dont really matter, such as being heavy or having lost a lot of weight and their skin is not as firm as it could be. I would have pegged you for being a teen or early 20s as that age group places so much stock in how someone looks. I'm really surprised you are in your 40s.

 

I've always battled with my weight, and I am on the chubby side but far from obese. I am glad my husband looked beyond that and saw me for who I am. You could lose out on a great girl if you keep your current mind set.

 

The thing is, though, is that things like weight does matter - if not for what you see at face value, but for what a person's life will likely represent if they are obese or overweight. I'm obese myself; I'm 5 ft 2 and over 200 lbs. I know I am not attractive in a convention sense, and I have and do rely on things other than my physical attributes to attract someone. But I also know that my weight and lifestyle was and is very unhealthy. I can come up with every reason under the sun as to why I am the way I am; but what matters is that I am obese and I have very unhealthy habits, and that's what translates to someone when they meet you for the first time. That's why I have been trying so hard to lose weight and teach myself healthier habits; because I know that I am eating myself into an early grave, and I know no one wants to fall in love with someone that likely will leave them sooner rather than later.

 

That's why I think the OP should let this one go and find someone better suited to his lifestyle. He stated he is active and healthy, and he should probably look for someone that appreciates that.

[DancingFool]

Sounds very simply like you want to like her, but in reality the chemistry is lacking so you are seeing these flaws. If the chemistry was truly there, you wouldn't notice or would think it's endearing. I'd say don't over think this and just let her go. As you said, there are better fish in the pond and she doesn't need a man who is not that into her and will end up picking her apart. Don't waste time on what will only turn into a toxic relationship.

[Sportster2005]

So I would like to hear your experiences with imperfections. Again, yes, we all have imperfections, yes, it is the personality that counts, etc. I am just trying to visualize every possible future red flag I may throw up in front of myself

 

Sorry I disagree. It's not the personality that counts. It's many things that count, personality being one of them.

 

If it bothers you now it will continue to do so. You have no reason to feel guilt, or feel pressure from society. If it bothers you, you should leave her. Someone in this world has rejected you for less. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

 

No need to feel apologetic for your choices.

[LoveSoDeep]

Shallow or not if it bothers you it bothers you.

 

I had this experience a year or two ago. The guy seemed average with his clothes on but had shared with me that he had lost a lot of weight recently. We were never intimate and I really think this is because he was afraid/hiding what I'm sure was under his shirt which was sagging skin. That's not something you fix with lifestyle changes. As we get older the ability of our skin to "snap back" lessens and the only way to get rid of this is often surgery (which in turn leaves huge scars).

 

Another thing that I will note is some people lose 100 pounds plus but they don't do it the right way and end up skinnier but just kinda mushy. They don't lift weights and build or tone their muscles at all and they end up looking okay in clothes but underneath they are just....well it's just not the same as someone who is actually "fit." What you have to decide is if you're okay with that.

 

For me it was other things that pushed me away from this guy. His eating habits were unhealthy and well just plain odd to me. I could see how he got to be so overweight and I could also see him easily slipping back into that lifestyle because he didn't enjoy eating healthy. I like to eat and cook healthy, so in the long run neither of us would have been happy. I will also admit that I'm not sure I would have been as attracted to him once the shirts came off....since they didn't I'll never know if I could be okay with that or not. However I was kinda thinking there was a good possibility I would not be as sexually attracted to him with that body type. I feel shallow for saying that but it's true.

[Sportster2005]

I'm having a hard time not calling you shallow, because I think you are. It's really a shame that so many people place such value on things that dont really matter, such as being heavy or having lost a lot of weight and their skin is not as firm as it could be. I would have pegged you for being a teen or early 20s as that age group places so much stock in how someone looks. I'm really surprised you are in your 40s.

 

I've always battled with my weight, and I am on the chubby side but far from obese. I am glad my husband looked beyond that and saw me for who I am. You could lose out on a great girl if you keep your current mind set.

 

Are you O.K. with the overwhelming majority of the female population being shallow for not dating shorter men? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

[WithLove]

I feel, though, like it all comes back to confidence and attitude. Even if the guy had lost all the weight and had saggy skin issues - you sensed he was very concerned about it and it put you off. I think, had he been more confident, had he said "Yeah, I'm going to the gym 3-4 times a week and I'm building muscle and I feel so good at where I am in my life right now, and I'm excited to see where I'll be at in a few months' time" - then I honestly feel like his attractiveness would be better suited for you, LoveSoDeep (side note - don't abbreviate your name, it translates into LSD, lol!).

[John John]

Are you O.K. with the overwhelming majority of the female population being shallow for not dating shorter men? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

This. I've said many times...attraction is a very sharp knife, and it cuts both ways.

 

 

LoveSoDeep (side note - don't abbreviate your name, it translates into LSD, lol!).

 

That's what I lovingly refer to her as (and have been doing so for a while)!

[Clinton]

Attraction is made up of many things. Their looks, personality, lifestyle, sense of humor, goals etc.

 

You either are attracted to them or you aren't.

 

If not it doesn't bode well for relationship success.

 

You're not shallow for this, it's just your personal taste.

 

Looks and personality can and do change over the course of a relationship. But if you have a history together, its more likely you'll be able to accept those changes. That doesn't exist at the very start of relationships.

 

So take a pass and look for someone else.

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

As I have said on other threads here. The honeymoon stage is as good as it gets. If you find something annoying in someone in the early stages it is only going to get worse once the mountain flowers lose their bloom and the snow storms come rolling in.

[melancholy123]

With love I do see your point! This guy probably should break it off with her as she may not ever be what he wants, and I feel sorry for her because she's getting the shaft because of how she looks and that bothers me. She has done the hard work of losing 100 lbs and to have a guy not like her because she isn't firm and hot, well that's just beyond sad. Yeah, he should move on, and she can find someone who appreciates her for who she is.

[Fudgie]

I lost over 100 lb and I have soft, flabby skin over a good part of my body. If you think it's bothersome now, it will only get worse in the future. Shallow or not, if you're bothered, you're bothered. If you would rather be with someone who is fit and toned, then leave her and find someone else.

 

My guy really likes my skin, he thinks I'm sexy and very soft. I plan to get plastic surgery in the future once I've lost a bit more and I've maintained for a while but for now, this is how it is. When you lose that kind of weight, there's only so much toning you can do. I'll be flabby until I get surgery, bottomline. And I'd rather be with someone who can't get enough of my body, not someone who sees it as icky, even if it's in a temporary state.

[swilli89]

I'm with "Melencholy" on this one. Don't be shallow. You said she is intelligent, funny and very good looking. So, why do her stretch marks matter so much? See past them and realize how beautiful she is inside and out. And if you can't, then don't lead her on. She deserves better than that.

[Khaleesi86]

Some things, whether they're physical, emotional, intellectual, etc., just CAN'T be ignored.

At least, they can't be ignored long term.

You seem to be a little more focused on physical imperfections which is OK, no judgement here - so I can't see something as physically detrimental as loose skin and stretch marks ever being OK for you.

No amount of diet or exercise is going to "fix"her... It sounds more like a cosmetic surgery fix if anything... Stretch marks aren't kind, lol.

THat being said, does it bother you NOW? Have you even seen them or been intimate?

[LoveSoDeep]

I feel, though, like it all comes back to confidence and attitude. Even if the guy had lost all the weight and had saggy skin issues - you sensed he was very concerned about it and it put you off. I think, had he been more confident, had he said "Yeah, I'm going to the gym 3-4 times a week and I'm building muscle and I feel so good at where I am in my life right now, and I'm excited to see where I'll be at in a few months' time" - then I honestly feel like his attractiveness would be better suited for you, LoveSoDeep (side note - don't abbreviate your name, it translates into LSD, lol!).

 

Good question. Confidence may have made some difference and at this point I'll never know, but like I said he wasn't right for me more because of his eating habits. While those habits may affect his physical looks it was more about how sharing meals with him and cooking with him was just not fun for either of us because we had almost opposite views

 

That's what I lovingly refer to her as (and have been doing so for a while)!

 

Hehe. I love when he calls me that. I was a totally unintended acronym but it's good for a giggle.

 

OP,

As I have said on other threads here. The honeymoon stage is as good as it gets. If you find something annoying in someone in the early stages it is only going to get worse once the mountain flowers lose their bloom and the snow storms come rolling in.

 

I agree if you aren't sure about it now it's probably not going to get better so maybe it's best to let her move on before either of you are too attached.

 

Fudgie - Thanks for sharing! I think your story goes to show that she's probably not oblivious to what her body now looks like and she knows she has to find someone who accepts her for who she is 100%. If the OP can't be that guy (and maybe he can but the fact that he questions it makes me a little hesitant to say he can) then he should let her go so she can find the right guy.

[Hermes]

Strange thing: attraction.

 

I have an old friend, he is extremely handsome, and yes, tall over 6 ft. Lovely person, attractive, so sweet.

Now, there's his brother (genetics are a strange thing), who is about my height, 5' 5", not "handsome" as his brother is, but he packs a sexual punch (there is no other word for it) and when he smiles it is like the sun has come out, his eyes glitter. Strange isn't it.......

[localvet]

To be clear, right now it does not bother me, stretch marks. I dig this girl a lot. I live a healthy active lifestyle, as does she, now, but she doesn't luft, and that will help. (was that too many comas?)

I am looking at what could kill me in the future, the atretch marks are what I see, btw they are light not red. I don't want to ask her to change at all. I am just an obsessive long range worrier and would like a few confirmations that love developing will help me not look for imperfections.

 

I didn't want to alert and rally the sisterhood of the large undateable woman. So if you just want to call me shallow move on, it is not a substitute for healthy living.

[Fudgie]

Don't mean to rain on your parade but lifting will not make her toned if she has lost that much weight. It just doesn't. I've met many people like me who have lost a lot and they either have to deal with the excess skin or have eit removed.

 

Stretch marks largely fade. Mine are not ready, but I have some indents along the sagging points, can't help it.

 

What do you find most unappealing? The marks or the saggy skin?

 

No one can tell you that you will not look for imperfections in the future. You probably will see more as the relationship develops. That's true for everyone. It boils down to what to what you can live with. Ask yourself that.

 

If a tight bod is important to you, then leave her. Simple as that.

[Sportster2005]

I lost over 100 lb and I have soft, flabby skin over a good part of my body. If you think it's bothersome now, it will only get worse in the future. Shallow or not, if you're bothered, you're bothered. If you would rather be with someone who is fit and toned, then leave her and find someone else.

 

My guy really likes my skin, he thinks I'm sexy and very soft. I plan to get plastic surgery in the future once I've lost a bit more and I've maintained for a while but for now, this is how it is. When you lose that kind of weight, there's only so much toning you can do. I'll be flabby until I get surgery, bottomline. And I'd rather be with someone who can't get enough of my body, not someone who sees it as icky, even if it's in a temporary state.

 

Good job Fudgie !!!!

[superfan]

I lost about 80lbs a few years ago. I went from 200lbs (at 5'3") to 120lbs.

 

My weight is something I had struggled with for years. I loathed myself and the fact that I couldn't seem to lose it no matter what I did.

 

I am not sure why I was able to do so finally in 2006 after trying for so long before, but I did.

 

It was eye opening. I want to say it was wonderful and that it solved all my problems, but it really only made me aware of just how shallow and thin obsessed our society really is.

 

Guys who had previously not noticed I was even in the room were all of a sudden hitting on me. People were nicer to me all the time. I went from invisible to "privileged" and I really didn't like that. It was like I was suddenly learning that my worth as a human being was entirely dependent on my weight and that really was a harsh lesson to learn.

 

I started avoiding dating because in the back of my head I was constantly asking myself "would he had been interested 80lbs ago?" Most of the time the answer was no.

 

When I met my husband, I was still overweight (though in the process of losing it). I was about 180lbs, so still about 60lbs heavier than was healthy. He was interested at the time though I didn't notice it.

 

When I lost the weight I dated one guy I met online who was VERY fit. He was into working out, etc. I thought he would be very proud of my accomplishment considering how difficult it was and how much pride he put into his own body. Instead, the first time we got naked, he took the opportunity to point out my stretch marks, where my stomach skin was flabby and to tell me I should work out more to try to "tone".

 

I was so so proud of what I had done and to him, it was all just....not good enough. I dumped him shortly thereafter.

 

Eventually my husband came to visit from Scotland (we had met and kept in touch long distance). The first time we slept together, he noticed the stretch marks. He asked what they were and I got very defensive. I told him that's what happens when you lose weight and that most women have them (if losing weight doesn't do it, pregnancy will).

 

Unlike the other guy, he leaned over and kissed very single one and told me they were beautiful. One of the reasons I knew he was the one was that not only did he see me as a romantic option BEFORE I lost weight, but he found the "imperfections" I had afterwards beautiful.

 

OP, let this girl go. She doesn't need to feel as if she isn't good enough. She doesn't need you "encouraging" her to tone or tighten her body. What she has accomplished is amazing and if you don't look at those stretch marks and see her beauty and her struggle, then she deserves to be with someone who does.