Imperfections

[WithLove]

Unlike the other guy, he leaned over and kissed very single one and told me they were beautiful. One of the reasons I knew he was the one was that not only did he see me as a romantic option BEFORE I lost weight, but he found the "imperfections" I had afterwards beautiful.

 

 

 

He's a keeper!!

[superfan]

He's a keeper!!

 

He is. He knows how much I have struggled and continue to struggle (gaining weight in pregnancy right now is pretty much my worst fears come to life because I don't know if I will be able to lose the weight again).

 

At my lightest I was 120lbs and ideally that is where I would like to stay, but I have climbed up to 135-140 at times. He insists that he likes me better at this weight because I have "more boobs and bum", but I know that is just his way of saying he will love me no matter what I look like and THAT is what the woman the OP is dating deserves. It's what everybody deserves.

 

Nobody stays thin and young forever. As you get older, the body changes. It puts on weight usually (though not always). Childbirth affects a woman's body as well. Expecting someone you are dating at 20 to look the same at 40, or 60 is beyond unrealistic. If those things bother you now, they will only get worse.

 

You shouldn't be "settling" for her body. You should be loving it. If you aren't, let her find someone who will.

[reinventmyself]

You will trade in one thing for another.

You can very well pass this one up because of this, but don't think you won't have some other hurdle, may be it personality, work ethic or something.

 

Because there will always be something that you concede to. You just need to pick your battles.

Define your deal breakers.

[John John]

You will trade in one thing for another.

You can very well pass this one up because of this, but don't think you won't have some other hurdle, may be it personality, work ethic or something.

 

Because there will always be something that you concede to. You just need to pick your battles.

Define your deal breakers.

 

 

Exactly. We all have physical dealbreakers. You might make the argument that these dealbreakers are shallow, but you can't help what you're attracted to. My date and I were talking about this Sunday night. She described some guys she had dated in the past, and they all sounded very different and all had their own unique pros and cons. She dated all different types (all different height, body types, etc.).

 

I have some "shallow" dealbreakers. I will not date a woman who is not in shape, as I'm in shape myself, and just am not attracted to that body type. All the heavy women in the world could arrive at my doorstep tomorrow with torches and pitchforks with signs of "Fat Acceptance," sorry, I'm just not attracted. I'm still wondering when we will have a "Men Below 5'10" Acceptance/Short men are hot and sexy" movement. I'll bet many of the heavy women with the pitchforks likely turn around say "GRRRR No Men Below 6ft!!"...but I digress...

 

I used to also think I was only attracted to fair women with blue eyes, but have found recently I'm attracted to all different types. So that's not a dealbreaker...but the weight thing is, and I would never waste a woman's time knowing I'd never be able to get past that.

 

Like reinvent said, pick and know your dealbreakers. Screen accordingly, and don't even have first dates with people who possess your dealbreakers.

[TMifune]

Some things, whether they're physical, emotional, intellectual, etc., just CAN'T be ignored.

At least, they can't be ignored long term.

You seem to be a little more focused on physical imperfections which is OK, no judgement here - so I can't see something as physically detrimental as loose skin and stretch marks ever being OK for you.

No amount of diet or exercise is going to "fix"her... It sounds more like a cosmetic surgery fix if anything... Stretch marks aren't kind, lol.

THat being said, does it bother you NOW? Have you even seen them or been intimate?

 

I wonder if you'd feel the same way if OP was married and his wife gave him 2.4 beautiful children and couldn't stifle his vomit to see beyond the stretch marks that are a consequence of those children?

[WithLove]

I have some "shallow" dealbreakers. I will not date a woman who is not in shape, as I'm in shape myself, and just am not attracted to that body type. All the heavy women in the world could arrive at my doorstep tomorrow with torches and pitchforks with signs of "Fat Acceptance," sorry, I'm just not attracted. I'm still wondering when we will have a "Men Below 5'10" Acceptance/Short men are hot and sexy" movement. I'll bet many of the heavy women with the pitchforks likely turn around say "GRRRR No Men Below 6ft!!"...but I digress...

 

I think, if you think of it in terms of a long-term relationship, being with someone that's obese or overweight means sacrificing your own healthy and good habits, and in the end, that's the ultimate deal breaker. That's why I'm changing mine! (my unhealthy habits, that is.)

 

For what it's worth - most women think about having a man "look lovingly down into their eyes". Given that I'm 5 ft 2, practically any man is good for me.

[John John]

I think, if you think of it in terms of a long-term relationship, being with someone that's obese or overweight means sacrificing your own healthy and good habits, and in the end, that's the ultimate deal breaker. That's why I'm changing mine! (my unhealthy habits, that is.)

 

For what it's worth - most women think about having a man "look lovingly down into their eyes". Given that I'm 5 ft 2, practically any man is good for me.

 

 

Yes - that's part of it. If I left myself go, I could easily become obese. But I'm just not attracted to heavy women, and it limits what you can do in the bedroom. Obviously, a long term relationship is far from just about looks and sex, but it is important to be attracted.

 

You're a nice girl. I've dated women who were 5'2" and I felt "tall" with them haha

[reinventmyself]

I am fit. . Not overly so . .but weight, height proportionate. People will say I am `slim' or assume I work out more than I do.

I dunno. . genetics I suppose. Thx Mom!

 

But having said that I steer away from men that are overly weight conscious. I have dating men that grill me about my workouts, my diet, etc.

It annoys me to no end!! I get the sense that they are so invested in me needing to stay fit that feel they need to manage me in some way?

I've been this way all my life and I plan on staying this way. (god willing)

 

And though I appreciate the acknowledgement of it I'd rather you fawn over my fabulous personality, my work ethic and my brilliant mind any day. My physique is a side benefit. (tongue in cheek of course)

[John John]

I am fit. . Not overly so . .but weight, height proportionate. People will say I am `slim' or assume I work out more than I do.

I dunno. . genetics I suppose. Thx Mom!

 

But having said that I steer away from men that are overly weight conscious. I have dating men that grill me about my workouts, my diet, etc.

It annoys me to no end!! I get the sense that they are so invested in me needing to stay fit that feel they need to manage me in some way?

I've been this way all my life and I plan on staying this way. (god willing)

 

And though I appreciate the acknowledgement of it I'd rather you fawn over my fabulous personality, my work ethic and my brilliant mind any day.

(tongue in cheek of course)

 

 

There is a difference between being a drill sargeant about it and just having a preference. When I was with my ex for 5 years, we both fluctuated a bit. Sometimes she had a bit of a tummy, sometimes I did too! That's totally fine by me, she was still hot and sexy to me. We didnt have time to workout that much because we were both pursuing advanced degrees.

 

And she wasn't stick thin...she had some meat on her ,and I loved it. But if she were to suddenly put on 100lbs, that's different. And where it would be a dealbreaker, if there wasn't a reason besides laziness and loving food too much.

[superfan]

There is a difference between being a drill sargeant about it and just having a preference. When I was with my ex for 5 years, we both fluctuated a bit. Sometimes she had a bit of a tummy, sometimes I did too! That's totally fine by me, she was still hot and sexy to me. We didnt have time to workout that much because we were both pursuing advanced degrees.

 

And she wasn't stick thin...she had some meat on her ,and I loved it. But if she were to suddenly put on 100lbs, that's different. And where it would be a dealbreaker, if there wasn't a reason besides laziness and loving food too much.

 

The thing is, most of the time "laziness and loving food too much" are not the reasons people put on a lot of weight. My sister is morbidly obese at the moment because of medication she is on. It can't be helped as she needs the meds, but a side effect is crazy weight gain.

 

MANY women who fall pregnant find that no matter how hard they try they just can't "get their body back". Not everyone mind you, but every body is different. Sometimes, the weight just redistributes itself as we get older and there isn't anything we can do about it.

 

Genetics also play a huge factor.

 

And even when weight gain IS a result of extreme over eating, if it is something sudden (ie. she was always thin and suddenly she is eating everything in sight) there is generally a mental health issue at play as well.

 

There's nothing wrong with having preferences, but if those preferences stipulate that your partner MUST stay within a certain weight for the rest of their lives or have a bunch of conditions as to when she is "allowed" to gain and when she isn't, you aren't going to be able to find a lasting relationship. You just aren't.

 

Relationships start with attraction, but they are sustained through love and wanting the person NO MATTER WHAT.

 

If the OP isn't able to accept her stretch marks now the best thing he can do is just leave.

[John John]

There's nothing wrong with having preferences, but if those preferences stipulate that your partner MUST stay within a certain weight for the rest of their lives or have a bunch of conditions as to when she is "allowed" to gain and when she isn't, you aren't going to be able to find a lasting relationship. You just aren't.

 

Relationships start with attraction, but they are sustained through love and wanting the person NO MATTER WHAT.

 

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

And for the record, when I say "get their body back" after pregnancy, I'm being realistic. I don't mean they need to have a flat tummy (assuming they did before the pregnancy). Just get back to a decent weight over time as much as she can.

[Hermes]

Here goes:

 

"The causes of obesity relate to a fundamental imbalance between energy intake and energy expenditure. The World Health Organisation identified that a reduction of physical activity in combination with an increased consumption of more energy-dense, nutrient-poor foods with high levels of sugar and saturated fats, have led to obesity rates that have risen over three-fold since 1980 in some areas of North America, the United Kingdom, Eastern Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Islands, Australasia and China".

 

 

"This is a particularly worrying trend as obesity in childhood tracks into adulthood with all its associated risks. It has been predicted that this is the first generation of children who are likely to die before their parents, due to the effects of obesity induced cardiovascular disease. Further research is therefore urgently needed to enhance our understanding as to the reasons why children today are facing an obesity epidemic and most importantly what can be done to stop it."

 

From:

 

ww.birmingham.ac.uk/research/activity/mds/centres/obesity/obesity-uk/index.aspx

[superfan]

I agree with this 100%.

 

And for the record, when I say "get their body back" after pregnancy, I'm being realistic. I don't mean they need to have a flat tummy (assuming they did before the pregnancy). Just get back to a decent wait over time as much as she can.

 

And that would be something she would likely strive for too, but it's not always possible. Sometimes in pregnancy the stomach muscles actually separate (happens in labour) which results in loose flabby skin which no amount of weight gain will get rid of.

 

I was a thin teenager up until I hit 18. Then the weight just piled on. There was no "reason" for it beyond puberty. I was always healthy and active (rode my bike 45 minutes a day), etc. I didn't change how I ate or anything, my body just changed. It took me YEARS to finally get the weight off, and now that I am pregnant again I face the possibility of not being able to get rid of it a second time.

 

It sucks, but thankfully I know my husband will be there no matter what. Attraction cannot be all that sustains you.

[Helpexpressme]

If the flabbiness is an issue, then yeah I'd probably move on.

 

It will only get worse when she ages, and more flabbier.

[John John]

And that would be something she would likely strive for too, but it's not always possible. Sometimes in pregnancy the stomach muscles actually separate (happens in labour) which results in loose flabby skin which no amount of weight gain will get rid of.

 

It sucks, but thankfully I know my husband will be there no matter what. Attraction cannot be all that sustains you.

 

 

Absolutely correct. No matter how hard we try, of course, looks fade over time. None of us will be a spring chicken forever.

 

By the way, I'm happy to hear that you're preggers again and I wish you guys the best of luck

[reinventmyself]

Absolutely correct. No matter how hard we try, of course, looks fade over time. None of us will be a spring chicken forever.

 

By the way, I'm happy to hear that you're preggers again and I wish you guys the best of luck

 

Formerly known as "MCJD4ever"

 

I just caught that. . lol

[superfan]

Thanks MCDJD/Johnny Cakes. We are hoping for the best. Hopefully you didn't take those comments as going after you specifically. I am just trying to point out to the OP, that if he is not into her body now, it won't "get better by hoping" and will only end up making her feel bad about herself.

[TMifune]

Formerly known as "MCJD4ever"

 

I just caught that. . lol

 

So....the 4ever part....not so much, huh? ;-)

[John John]

Thanks MCDJD/Johnny Cakes. We are hoping for the best. Hopefully you didn't take those comments as going after you specifically. I am just trying to point out to the OP, that if he is not into her body now, it won't "get better by hoping" and will only end up making her feel bad about herself.

 

Oh I know your comments weren't personal, but thank you And you're very welcome. I know what you went through last time, so I'm really hoping everything goes smoothly, I know it will!

 

So....the 4ever part....not so much, huh? ;-)

 

Ok, I have to admit, this made me lol big time, my boss just gave me a funny look

 

JohnnyCakes is just one of my MANY nicknames. I wanted "JohnJohn" but that was taken already.

[Heather Dawn]

Wow, when did this name change occur?

 

JohnnyCakes...LOL...love it.

[John John]

Wow, when did this name change occur?

 

JohnnyCakes...LOL...love it.

 

 

lol well it's now changed (again) to something I've been called by women (relatives and other girls) my whole life...John John!

[Ms Darcy]

I agree completely. She can find someone more on her wavelength and same for him.

[Ms Darcy]

I didn't want to alert and rally the sisterhood of the large undateable woman. So if you just want to call me shallow move on, it is not a substitute for healthy living.

 

You hear that, large, undateable women? He heard about the rally.

[itsallgrand]

I agree completely. She can find someone more on her wavelength and same for him.

 

I think so too.

 

I think it is possible, and I've experienced it, where physical imperfections and changes don't really change how you feel about someone. The last person I was in a long term relationship with; I saw him through weight fluctuations, some stretch marks yes, more and more tattoos (even though I'm not a big fan of a lot of tattoos), different styles of dress and hairstyles, and some physical injuries that changed what he could do.

The base attraction and connection and love for him - I honestly thought him sexy, gorgeous, and adorable through out all those changes. It was solid. I think you know it when you feel it with someone - that it goes deep enough that physical changes aren't going to change that you are crazy about them. They are minor; and you don't really care (except as far as wanting them to be healthy, happy, and well for a very long time). It's about the total package of the person. And once you accept someone totally like that, it's pretty damn great.

 

Have you ever felt that way about somebody, OP?!

[localvet]

That is exactly the kind of response I wanted to hear!! As I am getting to know her more I am knowing and caring less about them. No that has not really happened before and that is why I started this thread. To hear others experience bout it, not to be called names.

 

Than you!