My husband and I want to move out of state but my parents are flipping out

[KVSrn]

Little bit of background. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and a half now and unfortunately my family and him do not get along. Our first year of marriage was a rocky one but I can honestly say that we have worked on our relationship a lot and are doing much better. A large source of our problems stemmed from the issues with my family. I come from a very close knit family and I was always the daughter/niece/ grandkid that did exactly what she was suppose to do. I even waited to be married before moving in with my husband because when I tried to discuss it with my mother she said your father said absolutely not and if you really like this guy that much you should just marry him. And I did.

Adjusting to living away from my parents for the first time and living with a man for the first time and being married was a lot of adjusting to say the least. I always listened to what my parents said and suggested and it was causing a lot of issues between my husband and I because I wouldn't make decisions with him I would just do what I've always done not knowing better. I was giving unsolicited advice more times then I can count about how I should handle my relationship with my husband and every time I listened to it, it cause so many issues. I started to realize that I wasn't doing what I wanted I was still doing what my parents wanted me to do. My marriage almost didn't make it the first year because of all this. I finally stopped doing whatever my parents told me and my husband and I are finally working together as a team and it's going great. That being said my parents now think all I do is what my husband says and what he wants and "how can you ever be happy just but doing whatever he wants?" Well I am happy, I just kept wanting the family dynamic to get better.

All that being said my dilemma at the moment is that my husband and I are both very hardworking and have been trying to find a home where we live. We have looked for about two years (since before we were married), increased our budget, search area and still have not found anything suitable. So my husband and I decided to look into our other options. The main one being to move out of state to Florida. Now the first time I mentioned this in passing (about a year ago before my husband and I were serious about moving there) my mothers response was you can't go there. And gave me laundry list of reasons why I can't and shouldn't go (unsolicited once again.) now that my husband and I are seriously considering it for a lot of different reasons, I decided to tell my parents. Well as you could guess that didn't go well. My dad barely got to say what he wanted before my mother started screaming at me and hung up on me. Then she called me back, yelled at me some more, and hung up again. She basically gave me an ultimatum that if I move there she will never come visit me and that I shouldn't even bother saying goodbye. I didn't even get to tell them what my thoughts were (whatever I did get out they said it wasn't my thoughts it was my husbands) and I had a reason for telling them at that moment and over the phone (which I had stated that I wanted to tell them in person.) Now all I did was tell them I was CONSIDERING moving not that I actually was for sure and this was the reaction I got.

I wrote them a long email that night trying to explain my reasons (uninterrupted) and that they were mind alone and that they should realize I'm a smart person to make my own decisions. I have not heard from them, but I did hear from my aunt with all the reasons why she is disappointed in me.

Now I was excited about moving and was picking out the house and I even planned which room my family would come and stay in. But now I feel so conflicted because I don't want to lose my family but I'm trying to seize an opportune to have a different lifestyle with my husband ( and establish it before we start a family.) I know my family loves me but I don't think it's right to make such a major decision based off their emotions and not my own.

Any thought or insight would

Helpful. Thanks

[Seraphim]

Move with your husband . Your family will get over it. The distance will put in place some healthy boundaries that your family needs to learn.

[Snny]

You a not going to lose your family and they need to get over it. But your parents are ultra controlling and verbally abusive. The way your mother treated you on the phone would be enough motivation to move since she doesn't respect you or your spouse- who the hell hangs up on you, calls you moments later to scream at you more? What sane person does that? That's psychotic.

 

You are adult and need to make your own decisions without them telling you what to do. I suggest going to therapy to help you break away from their toxic treatment.

 

I had my parents threaten to disown me because I was dating outside of my race and moved in with that person. They refused speak to me for MONTHS but eventually got over it. The consequence for their behavior was that they were not the first people to get the news about my engagement- then they finally took me and my relationship seriously.

[annie24]

Your parents sound demented. You are a grown married woman, you need to focus on your life with your husband. I think moving to Florida sounds like it will be the best thing you can do to install some boundaries with your parents and have some space so you and your husband can focus on starting your own family. Good luck

[lukeb]

There is actually very little in your post about what you want. On the surface it would seem that yes the decision should only be based on what you and your husband decide to do. I actually don't see an account of an independent adult capable of deciding what is best for yourself which ofcourse includes what is best for your marriage. You may be an adult in years but you never had a chance to grow up as an independent person before you got married, and that seems to be a problem for you now that you are married. Your post reads more like "My husband wants to move out of state but my parents are flipping out" and you are kind of caught in the middle like a child would be in a divorce. It would have been much better especially for you if you had moved out on your own for a few years and grown into an independent woman before you got married. I think you will get there eventually but probably it will take longer than most who moved out first. It is a red flag if your whole family including extended family as you were mentioning and aunt has a problem with your husband, but there is nothing else in your post. You seem to think that the first year in your marriage was rocky because of your family, that is not my impression, but it is just an impression.

 

Just because your marriage didn't start under ideal circumstances, doesn't mean it won't work.

[Andrina]

My parents have never made my brother and I feel guilty about moving away. I used to be a Navy wife and lived many places, and when that stint was over, chose not to move to their state, because I liked another state better. My brother lives in another country. When my niece's mother whined about her moving to another state, my mother told her, "Kids grow up and move away. Get over it!" Long distance relationships can be kept amongst loving people by e-mails, phone calls, and visits. Unfortunately, your family uses emotional blackmail and emotional abuse to try to control you. I predict that if you physically stay close to them, that your marriage will dissolve, because your parents will continue to use these tactics, and it will surely amp up when you have children.

 

Do not beg and/or explain yourself. If they treat you with disrespect and make hurtful comments, leave their home, ask them to leave if they are at your house, and if you're on the phone, end the conversation. Do not engage in arguments that go nowhere. No longer tell them the details of you and your husbands lives unless it's about trivial things like what you had for dinner and what movie you went to see. Read some books about setting boundaries with toxic people. Do not make decisions based on whether or not they will approve or disapprove. If they choose not to visit, it's their idiotic choice and they will miss out on the pleasure of your company, and the pleasure of knowing their grandchildren. Good luck. You definitely need it.

[ParisPaulette]

And another vote for move with your husband. It's actually your family's job--not their wishes, not their desires, THEIR JOB--to raise an independent child who moves out into the world and makes her own family and doesn't stay tied to the family's apron strings. THEIR JOB!!!!

 

And I'm placing so much emphasis on that, because it totally grinds my gears when I see grown adults acting like a child owes them their entire life and servitude simply for having been born. As a parent of three boys I know and understand that my place in life is to raise them to the best of my ability and when they're grown and gone it's up to them at that point to take over the wheel of their own destiny so to speak. I love my kids, but I am not their keeper and I have told them on more than one occasion that I am not raising a stay-at-home child who couch surfs and lives in my basement or stays tied to me. And none of them is that, so I think I'm doing something right there. (Knock on wood anyways)

 

Tell your family you're an adult, it's your job to move out and start you own family, you love them and you'll be in touch. And then you move. The fact is not everyone's parents are sane on the topic, but people move and go live their lives every day of the year for centuries now. And the last time I checked the sun was till rising and setting and civilization, such as it is, was here in spite of many parents dire predictions bad would come of letting their child go out into the world as an adult.

 

This is not to tell you that family is nothing or you can't have a good relationship or even help family when they need it. My elderly mother lives with me. The difference though is at your age you need to be out on your own, forming your own life and family first. And your family's treatment of you and your husband is kind of appalling. You need to learn healthy boundaries with people, all people, including your family. As a child you don't have that choice many times. As an adult you do and you had better enforce those boundaries if you want a happy, peaceful life.

 

It's time for your family to let their baby chick go. And as another poster here said you need to start looking at what it is you want. Guilt used to control others only really works to the degree one lets it work. Stop letting it work. And if you need to do so maybe sitting down with a counselor or reading up on what constitutes healthy sane relationships with your parents would help and what you can do to start enforcing boundaries. And frankly a little rewards and punishments system for them probably wouldn't hurt along the lines of "If you talk to me like a civil adult I will happily talk to you. If you're going to scream at me and get nasty, I simply won't" variety would do wonders too.

 

Keep in mind enabling their bad behaviors is not helping them either.

[Hollyj]

Your family is quite controlling and manipulative.

 

This method has always worked, and they are certainly pulling out the stops.

 

Move away with your husband. Your parents will survive.

 

You need to put your foot down and put an end to this behavior! Stop enabling!

[abitbroken]

I agree and applaud you for not moving in until you were married. However, you missed an important piece - seperating form your parents first - getting a female roommate. spreading your wings. It made your first year rocky because you were struggling to break free into an adult at the same time as being a new wife. I don't think the last piece of adulthood truly comes until we move out of our parents house. You can't change the past. But recognize this is where the rockiness may have come into play.

 

That being said, if you want to move to Florida, I suggest you rent first to see if you really like it and can find gainful employment. I have had friends attracted to cheaper housing, but find that the salaries are lower or they just can't find work in their field depending on where they live. So its all relative. Sometimes they change their mind and like a different area of florida. I would hope one of you could transfer with your company or have a job lined up before you go. Sign a six month or year lease only before buying a house. Unless you buy a small condo in a popular tourist area where you could rent it out if you changed your mind. If you love it, then buy a home.

[Hermes]

Yes, Paulette!

 

"It's actually your family's job--not their wishes, not their desires, THEIR JOB--to raise an independent child who moves out into the world and makes her own family and doesn't stay tied to the family's apron strings. THEIR JOB!!!!"

 

That remark could equally apply to a number of other threads/posts on here as regards "families".

[catfeeder]

It's a parent's job to give their kids both roots and wings--and the roots are rarely the problem.

 

That said, bucking your parents doesn't automatically make Florida a smart choice. (For the record, I love the place and have family there--but this has also given me a realistic picture of the pros and cons of choosing it before retirement.)

 

Does at least one of you have an employer that is relocating you there? If not, consider that the pay scale is significantly low and barely in line with the cheap housing--and jobs are not simple to come by. Do you have employment lined up?

 

I'd be careful not to be lured by home price alone. Take leave from your current jobs to go down there to investigate--carefully. Otherwise you could set yourself up for the kind of poverty that would preclude you from ever being able to afford to move back home or elsewhere in the country that might turn out to be more desirable.

 

Beyond that caution, I would let my Mom cool off. Should she contact you again, I'd tell her that if the price of doing business with her is that you'll end up feeling lousy for doing so, then the consequences of that would be doing less of it rather than more of it--and she should consider that carefully before contacting you again. If she has nothing nice to say, she'll need to keep it.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[annie24]

I agree with the others who suggest renting, at least until you get a good understanding of the neighborhood, cost of living, etc.... I'd rent for a year before you buy. Do either of you have a job lined up there yet?

[minehunter2012]

Howdy!

 

I concur with the other folks here: move, and don't look back.

 

If the family truly cares about you they will adjust. Plus, they will (eventually) see that you are an independent women who makes her OWN choices. It will be good for you in the short and long term, and give you a sense of pride that will feel wonderful!

 

Also, I would encourage you to rent in Florida first before buying. Florida can feel like another planet, so it's best to get used to it first and scope out the different areas you may settle in.

 

Take care, and good luck! (-:

[melancholy123]

Move to Florida or anywhere else you two decide to go. It's your life, along with hubby's, and you should be doing what you think is right.

 

When my husband and I bought our farm, my mother had a massive hissy fit, whining that she'd never see us again, and on and on. I pointed out I was not moving to the moon! It didn't matter what I said, I was just wrong, in her eyes. We moved anyway. She got over it. Your mother may wake up and see that she's alienating you, and with luck she'll be in contact with you once she simmers down.

 

Please live your life as you choose, if you dont you will end up angry and frustrated and mad as hell at your mother and yourself for letting her get away with it.

[KVSrn]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I finally heard back from my parents and of course did not get a very good response. This is what they said:

 

Sounds like you've already made your decision to move without any regard to our thoughts or wishes.

 

Your decision is a disappointment to us & an insult to our family. But it goes with the rest of the insults from your husband!

 

I'll will never get use to being insulted by your husband, & now you too!

 

Your husband is starting to wear off on you, weak-minded, insecure & lazy!

 

Maybe someday you will realize how you've been deceived & manipulated.

 

If you go, you won't have worry about us, your family.

 

You will have enough to worry about satisfying your jealous, selfish husbands needs.

 

Congratulations on breaking our hearts.

 

We will miss you.

 

Daddyo & Mom too!

 

 

I don't see how i insulted them by telling them. I consider moving out of state and they are cutting me off if I do, not the other way around. I expressed to them I want them to continue to be a part of my life but it's like they are giving me an ultimatum. Besides even if I stayed in NJ how will things ever be the same with them anyway? I don't know if I should reply to this or just leave it be until hopefully they come around.

 

My husband and I decided to go forward with the move but I feel like I can't get excited about it because of everything that has happened with my family and my husband is hold back he excitement bc he is worried about me. This is suppose to be a huge important milestone in our life and now that joy is being taken from us. I just feel I have no one to share this moment with without the chance of being judged and personally attacked.

[lukeb]

It looks like you are committed to making the move but I would have to concur with catfeeder that one the surface at least it does not seem to be a smart move. The main reason really for moving anywhere at this point in your lives shouldn't be housing but you should really be looking at where your career opportunities are and the greatest chance for advancement. Since you don't have kids yet, you can even be more flexible when it comes to housing and you could mainly make your sacrifices there. I can understand the dream of owning your own home, but homes tend to be more affordable where the career opportunities are less. Renting for now would be the smarter option rather than being stuck with a "affordable" house if you are looking at moving again for career advancement, or that it simply didn't work out where to moved to.

[catfeeder]

Unofficial motto of NJ: "You can check out any time you want, but you can never afford to come back."

 

Your parents, or whichever of them was the author of that lovely message, is a passive aggressive manipulator--and that won't change no matter where you live. So I'd avoid responding and invest in my marriage. If the move is something you've committed to do, I'd put on my best game face for husband and work myself into enthusiasm. I'd align my thinking with the goal, and I'd pour happiness all over myself.

 

Your family are saboteurs, and once you've accepted that, you've liberated yourself from the drama. This is where a 'stupid and cheerful' approach can serve you well. Send lovely cards, postcards and letters as though they share in your excitement about your new life--because written stuff is one-way and does not invite the impulsive and venomous replies of email.

 

Beyond that, focus on building your new life, creating a family of neighbors and friends, and surprise yourself with how well you can find enjoyment in this--because your family is never going to be kind or accepting of your husband, and that's as disrespectful and as poisonous as it gets. I'd leave them to marinate in all of that until they mature into people who can grow beyond it.

 

It could take years, and it could never happen, but if you cater to their manipulation as you may have done in the past, it only teaches them that it works, and nothing changes.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[annie24]

Wow, what a horrible disgusting note. OMG. They have some serious issues, very toxic. It's completely normal to move away from home and get married and start a new life. I don't know why they are like this.

 

Whether you move to Florida or Texas or Canada or wherever, make sure you have some career options there. I don't know the fields you two work in, but try to get some job interviews lined up, ask friends who live there how they feel about life, etc... I don't blame you for wanting to leave NJ. There are a lot of good things about the area, but there are other problems too.

[lukeb]

I don't know why they are like this.

 

I actually don't know why the family is like this either, and it is an interesting question. I do think at the very least it is a mistake to let your husband be the main responder to this situation when it comes to your family. It is always a better idea to let blood deal with blood when it comes to sensitive family issues such as these or inheritance or whatever. That means being standing up for your husband when it comes to your family and not be a passive participant. Just kind of have a rule to let you deal with your family and your husband deal with his family when it comes to your marriage.

 

I notice especially on this forum people are very quick to jump to conclusions even when they have heard a tiny bit of the whole story. There seems to be a complete relationship break down between your husband and your family, and I am not so sure if the genesis of that is the fact that you want to move away. I think it goes much deeper than that. It does look like a horrible disgusting note but we say and do horrible disgusting things out of fear, insecurity and hurt. It doesn't make it right, but it does help to make sense out of it if we can understand where this fear, insecurity and hurt comes from.

[Honeysuckle13]

Wow, this whole situation sounds almost identical to the one I was in with my family. If you want to read about my parents and experience, and hear some related responses, feel free to check out my posts.

 

Like you, I also grew up always listening to my parents and doing whatever it was they told me. Luckily, I was already moved out of my parents house for a few years before I got married and also had experience with them being irrational before, so I was a little bit more emotionally prepared to deal with things. The past year has been a huge growing experience and allowed me to finally get out from under my parents influence.

 

My situation started similarly when I decided to move up to Baltimore from DC to live with my then boyfriend of 5 years. I won't go into details, but I essentially told them "It's my choice, no one else's, and this is what I'm doing." I found out later that they never actually let this "issue" go, and actually turned it into a reason to hate my boyfriend (then fiance). They said all sorts of passive aggressive things that sound very similar to that e-mail your parents sent.

 

Here are some pieces of advice that I've learned from my experience:

 

- You are NOT crazy. Do not try to make sense of what they're doing/saying, because it just does NOT follow logic.

- DO keep posting on here and talking to friends about this. Both of those have done wonders for me to keep my sanity and perspective.

- Don't bother trying to get them to see your way, understand your perspective, or to get them to generally respect you. I wasted so much time trying to get these things.

- It's okay to respond to these things emotionally and immaturely, especially at first. What they're doing is very hurtful and it's expected for you to act hurt.

- Don't give in to their desires. Make it clear you're listening to their concerns, and then say "Thank you for your input on this matter, I'll take it into consideration" and then do whatever it is you want to do.

- Set your boundaries (hang up/leave if they say hurtful things), and stick to them.

 

Ultimately, the only thing that's really going to change in this situation is YOU. You are going to grow as a person and develop your own healthy boundaries. It won't happen overnight and it will be very tough for a while emotionally. They are going to say you're "two-faced", "ungrateful", "you have contempt for them" (these were all said to me), as they try to get you to give in to what they want. You're going to feel like a horrible person for standing up to them, but do NOT believe them! I know what that tug of war feeling is, where you just don't know what's normal and what should be happening.

 

They are never going to change in reality. For me, once I actually got married, it's almost amazing how quickly they changed. All of a sudden they are much nicer to my husband, they don't bring up anything or say mean things, and almost everything I was fretting about disappeared. I know the only reason for this is because whatever they actually think of him, there's nothing they can do to change it at this point. I don't delude myself by thinking that they magically saw the light and changed the error of their ways. I know that something else in the future could trigger them again. At least now I have my boundaries and know how to respond to them in the future.

 

They're behavior will never go away and their personalities will not change. The change comes from you and how you choose to respond to them. I recommend seeking some therapy to help yourself with getting some healthy perspectives, if nothing else.

I do believe that my parents genuinely wanted the best for me. It's just that they refused to believe that anyone (including myself) knew what was best for me but themselves. The fact is it's your life, not theirs. They can voice their opinion, but only once and once you make a decision they need to stop.

[Hermes]

KVS. I feel for you.

 

Talk about trying to send you on a guilt trip. Just don't go there and don't let them get you down. The problem they have is their, not yours.

 

"Sounds like you've already made your decision to move without any regard to our thoughts or wishes.

 

Your decision is a disappointment to us & an insult to our family. But it goes with the rest of the insults from your husband!

 

I'll will never get use to being insulted by your husband, & now you too!

 

Your husband is starting to wear off on you, weak-minded, insecure & lazy!

 

Maybe someday you will realize how you've been deceived & manipulated.

 

If you go, you won't have worry about us, your family.

 

You will have enough to worry about satisfying your jealous, selfish husbands needs.

 

Congratulations on breaking our hearts.

 

We will miss you."

[thejigsup]

Move if you believe you can have a good life without your family in it. There is every chance their alienation may be permanent. Treat it like it will be and you will be less likely to be hurt by whatever they say or do. Think about this, though, what will happen if you divorce or your husband dies? Make sure you have a good career going so you will not have to go back to live with your parenst if either of these things should happen (not saying they will, but it's best to be prepared). That would be hell on earth!