Batya33 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Batya, I can not imagine! We're you b the host? Did you feel.uncomfortable? Brang, lol. LOL -no- we all met for dinner. What I didn't share -at that point I had just recently started dating my husband and this was one of the first times he was meeting my friends (only two of them were my friends -the others were strangers to me). I was cringing some -he was kind of quiet but that is his nature. We left the dinner and I said tentatively to my husband that I hoped he hadn't had a horrible time and he stopped dead in the street and said "What??? That was one of the best dinners I ever went to!" and started recounting the hilarity of it. Definite good sign that he was a good match! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 LOL -no- we all met for dinner. What I didn't share -at that point I had just recently started dating my husband and this was one of the first times he was meeting my friends (only two of them were my friends -the others were strangers to me). I was cringing some -he was kind of quiet but that is his nature. We left the dinner and I said tentatively to my husband that I hoped he hadn't had a horrible time and he stopped dead in the street and said "What??? That was one of the best dinners I ever went to!" and started recounting the hilarity of it. Definite good sign that he was a good match! A great story! It was helpful to me to hear how it came together. Curating a guest list is one of those skills I have yet to master, because I don't entertain as much as I would like. I like bringing diversity together, but then, sometimes, the shared interests aren't enough to overcome other barriers. Tricky! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 On the man front: Ice initiated contact after I let it drop for a day or two; requested lunch which I declined but also I offered two alternatives. New first date prospect has moved to texting. Friendships with women keep developing slowly and naturally and generally feel like a good fit. No other news. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I am in charge of my fence. My fence is mine and is my province for my management in my sole and absolute discretion. Who is inside my fence is there because I let them be there. Qualifications to be inside my fence: character, kindness, curiosity, brightness. Lacking: character. How do we judge character? Yes, it's lacking. It is okay to judge it. I can love the human and judge the character. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I don't need permission or concurrence. I am in charge of my fence. My fence is mine and is my province for my management in my sole and absolute discretion. Who is inside my fence is there because I let them be there. Qualifications to be inside my fence: character, kindness, curiosity, brightness. Lacking: character. How do we judge character? Yes, it's lacking. It is okay to judge it. I can love the human and judge the character. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Lunch today, with Slush, f/k/a Ice. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Is he melting a bit?? Yes, at the pace of global warming. I get compliments too, "smart" and "impressive". We already know I turn him on, and last weekend (meaning, 10 days ago, say), was the first time he held my hand as a show of affection. It's a veritable scorcher, lol. It's so good for me though, because I can feel a way of trusting him that is building in small solid increments. Trusting him for what, I don't know - to be true to himself and sincere about knowing me, I think. I don't trust a lot of guys that way. It's hard to when I see how goofy boys will be in pursuit of a physically-driven relationahip. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 To Faraday's point, I remain focused on my own life more than I was, because she's right, I could be driving myself into a wall. I simply don't know how NOT to go for something I want. Learning how to do that from a position of strength... Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Unremarkable, easy conversation, glad he made it happen. Previously, same spot, where two meals costs less than $25, he made sure he went to the register well ahead of me and paid for himself. This time, he paid easily and readily. Its a concrete detail that marks an ease he didn't have before. Sometimes I pay; its not about that. The ease of it is the difference. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Broke a rule, pay a fine. I'll not protest. Home is restful. One on acoustic guitar, one studying, one holed up in her sitting room (that's me). Link to comment
notalady Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Previously, same spot, where two meals costs less than $25, he made sure he went to the register well ahead of me and paid for himself. See if someone did that on a date, or even just friends actually, I'd be out of there. That's beyond stingy to me, it's just rude. If you want to split the bill, you say so to my face. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 See if someone did that on a date, or even just friends actually, I'd be out of there. That's beyond stingy to me, it's just rude. If you want to split the bill, you say so to my face. This was the first time we met after he had asked if we could be friends. Link to comment
notalady Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Maybe it's the way it was described, but it appears rude to me if someone made sure they go up to the counter well ahead of me so that they can pay for themselves and not me, as if going up with me would mean that he will have to pay for me and they want to avoid that. Not an issue of friends or dates or who pays. Just that behaviour itself seems rude to me. How hard is it to say "hey since we're just friends now, are you happy to split the bill?" Again might just be the way it was described. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Maybe it's the way it was described, but it appears rude to me if someone made sure they go up to the counter well ahead of me so that they can pay for themselves and not me, as if going up with me would mean that he will have to pay for me and they want to avoid that. Not an issue of friends or dates or who pays. Just that behaviour itself seems rude to me. How hard is it to say "hey since we're just friends now, are you happy to split the bill?" Again might just be the way it was described. I was still in line, didn't yet have food and so not ready to check out. He was able to do it as if it were natural; had he wanted to pay, he would have waited for me, which is what I expected. It stood out to me, yes, not so much as rude as boundary setting. Some posts back, I mentioned that ice (then) forced us into FZ and changed the direction of our acquaintance. This is an example of what I meant. He had to take the steering wheel and make it happen; I kept sliding into little dating type habits because his signals were mixed. Same week of the "friends" decision, he called me up and bent my ear about a guy friend who had lost his gf and realized he was serious about her, and wanted her back. Mr. Slushie was quite forthcoming about this story, telling me how he advised his friend to be friends, start from there, and go very slowly. There were many details that didn't fit us. I thought the coincidence odd and his chattiness unusual and pleasurable. I took his story at face value, keeping my reservations to myself. The entire conversation was out of character; Mr. Slushie is very private. This friend has never come up before or after. Link to comment
notalady Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 ok that doesn't sound so bad then, sometimes it's hard to tell with posts haha Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 ok that doesn't sound so bad then, sometimes it's hard to tell with posts haha Your questions are appreciated, NAL. Thank you for asking! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 New candidate is sort of annoying, in that we've exchanged a few short texts but there's no move to go past that on his part. I've been a little flaky too, I guess, putting him off and then forgetting to follow up. I'll send him a pic today of the out of town spot I'll be in. A few new people popped up this morning. And the sailor guy turned out to have language skills so poor I think he may be a computer. Ew! It's been a bit of a challenge to disengage my brain... again... from mwfn's life. I've blocked text and phone. I hadn't blocked phone- then he called, a rarity. I don't expect to hear from him since I've been clear about my withdrawal. It's my brain that has to catch up. The pattern? Just like my ex H. I remember having the feeling that mwfn's was my last lesson before a sea change. And I do feel different. I'm not sure how though, and so I'm not sure if. So I have to ask myself... how is Slush like my exH? I don't see similarities. Mwfn and exH both advanced quickly. Both spoke of marriage early. Both had women in the wings before and after our rl. Both had a past of and chose to move on to an abuse-of-power type. Both were certain it was casual when marriage is obvious to me. Slush seems different to me. I may not know till I look backwards. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 "forced us into FZ" It takes two. You have accepted his actions/signals and could have made a different choice. At least partly you're benefiting from the way you interact with him or you would choose to stop. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 "forced us into FZ" It takes two. You have accepted his actions/signals and could have made a different choice. At least partly you're benefiting from the way you interact with him or you would choose to stop. Oh, absolutely. When the Gentleman was super slow with me, I appreciated it too. It doesn't mean the man is right for me. What I like is that I get a man to think about, while having lots of time to myself to learn along the way. I don't mean that I am here against my will. It did take me a while to follow his pace. As a result of this journal, I identified my own control issues that resulted in game playing, I think you Batya were a key helper in that understanding. Once I figured that out, I was able to do a little paradigm shift so that control isn't an issue. Now I can follow at his pace and do my own thing otherwise. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Daughter and I are both home, a rarity at this hour. I could do this every day, listening to her piano and enjoying the quiet of home life. Lol I've never said that before. I must be exhausted. Really, I could. It's lovely to have her music wafting through the house. Link to comment
faraday Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Daughter and I are both home, a rarity at this hour. I could do this every day, listening to her piano and enjoying the quiet of home life. Lol I've never said that before. I must be exhausted. Really, I could. It's lovely to have her music wafting through the house. Make sure you tell her that- it's a really sweet thought that will make her happy Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Daughter and I are both home, a rarity at this hour. I could do this every day, listening to her piano and enjoying the quiet of home life. Lol I've never said that before. I must be exhausted. Really, I could. It's lovely to have her music wafting through the house. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Oh, absolutely. When the Gentleman was super slow with me, I appreciated it too. It doesn't mean the man is right for me. What I like is that I get a man to think about, while having lots of time to myself to learn along the way. I don't mean that I am here against my will. It did take me a while to follow his pace. As a result of this journal, I identified my own control issues that resulted in game playing, I think you Batya were a key helper in that understanding. Once I figured that out, I was able to do a little paradigm shift so that control isn't an issue. Now I can follow at his pace and do my own thing otherwise. Glad I could be of help! Love the image of your daughter. Link to comment
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