Out with the old, in with the now

[IAmFCA]

Make sure you tell her that- it's a really sweet thought that will make her happy

 

 

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I did! Thank you!

[IAmFCA]

Fun texts from slushie, exactly as I was wondering what he was up to.

 

New candidate texted first, but still, no advance to talk or meet.

 

Going to bed early. I'm enjoying having less on my calendar.

[IAmFCA]

I am feeling good emotionally.

 

Rinsing out bad stuff is hard and iterative, and it leaves with the washing off of leftover MWFN layers. He keeps finding women who will use their power to hurt him. My exH was the same. I was attracted to the social power that each represents, in a way. When I met MWFN I thought, "Wow, I can't believe I have attracted this man, I've never made it work with someone like this before." Now, I think, "He is like the others I used to dismiss, and I can't believe I thought he was better than that." It was a lot easier to let him go thinking well of him than to let him go feeling he is worthy of limited respect from me. I really don't like feeling this sense of disregard.

 

OTOH I am glad to be rid of him, and to be more fully gifted with an appreciation of myself. It grows daily.

[Batya33]

Would it help to remind yourself that it is mostly speculation and one-sided information about MWFN's girlfriend?

 

I am glad you are feeling good!

[IAmFCA]

Would it help to remind yourself that it is mostly speculation and one-sided information about MWFN's girlfriend?

 

I am glad you are feeling good!

 

She was vulgar to his teenaged daughter at a holiday dinner that included extended family. I can't imagine keeping such a person in my social circle much less as a gf and am having respecting him as a result of his decision to do so.

 

Ideas?

[Batya33]

She was vulgar to his teenaged daughter at a holiday dinner that included extended family. I can't imagine keeping such a person in my social circle much less as a gf and am having respecting him as a result of his decision to do so.

 

Ideas?

 

Were you there? What was the context? Even if that happened the conclusion you are drawing is still based on sparse/second hand information. More importantly, why do you have the need to go there in the first place?

[IAmFCA]

Were you there? What was the context? Even if that happened the conclusion you are drawing is still based on sparse/second hand information. More importantly, why do you have the need to go there in the first place?

 

You are right that I care too much; that is what I am sorting through now.

 

MWFN had called me in December troubled about the events; at that time, there was an affinity between us.

 

There has been tension between gf and daughter since the beginning; it seems as if the two are competing for MWFN's attention. I never ran into this problem with her whatsoever; as well, MWFN characterizes gf as "territorial" and "jealous" and describes this situation as two willful ladies competing for him. I am sure the gf/daughter dynamic will settle itself out in time; flipping the daughter the bird over the thanksgiving day meal is what happened that I can't get past. Nobody curses in his family setting; it is a traditional setting with lots of joking and affection, several generations together, etc. I feel like, if he is accepting her even further into his life since then, as he is, then what does it say about him?

[Batya33]

What it says about him is nothing because it is one-sided, you were not there, you do not know her.

[IAmFCA]

That was helpful to hear again. Thank you.

[faraday]

Are you still talking to him? I thought he was blocked. I'm so confused!

 

 

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[IAmFCA]

Are you still talking to him? I thought he was blocked. I'm so confused!

 

 

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No communication. It's in my head. He asked to meet, I refused.

[IAmFCA]

Last night no men contacted me and I contacted no men. I did make plans with 5 women to play tonight.

 

So simple, yet I could not have done this a few years ago.

[Batya33]

Last night no men contacted me and I contacted no men. I did make plans with 5 women to play tonight.

 

So simple, yet I could not have done this a few years ago.

 

Why not? You mean the plan with the group of friends?

[IAmFCA]

Why not? You mean the plan with the group of friends?

 

Yup.

 

My closest, most intimate girlfriends live far away. Friendships made during my marriage were tenuous. Years post-marriage I was minimally available to invest in friendships. Men were low hanging fruit. I usually had one hanging about to offer me an escape from all the challenges I was sorting through. It was some 5 years of a self-absorbed, esteem challenged ITIC.

 

My marriage left me depleted in every dimension, and my kids were on their way to being depleted as well. I appreciate where I've been, but it is still a bit threatening to remember, as if the negative energy can pull me backwards.

[Batya33]

That's great that you can revive and/or make new friends - I relocated, got married and became a mom in less than a 1-year time span so keeping up friendships and making new ones -huge challenge.

[IAmFCA]

As I process my MWFN experience and let it go, I find I am letting go of a circumference around him as well. I want nothing to do with any of it.

 

You ladies told me there would be a day when I look back and think, ugh, really? And I have been doing that, and it has been making me judge what was. The reason this is happening now is I saw so much of his behavior as transient, and now I see it as a long term pattern. I look at the history of women before and after, and I am not like any of them and don't want to be. Finally, they have a consistent physical type that I don't share, which is fine with me but which colors how I view him, the choices he makes, and the things he has said. Its a little bit like finding out Santa Clause cheats on Mrs. Clause. Santa is still charming and kind and does great things for the kids, but he's selfish too and a hypocrite and its a little tough to swallow. I feel like I fought to believe in someone that I don't believe in anymore, and that is much harder for me to swallow than letting go of the rl or the friendship. Its the idea that I fought for someone who turned out to be hollow, and I feel like I besmirched myself in the process. I know I need to be kinder to myself, but haven't yet found the words for that.

 

I can say I did my best, I went for what I wanted, and I got what I needed. I was reasonably depressed when we met and I lifted myself out of that and lifted my own expectations for my dating life by living in his fantasy world for a while. He stood by me through surgery and gave me better company than could have anyone else I knew at that time. Maybe he was my short term best friend for a reason/season as that awful poem says. Now that season has passed, and he serves no function.

 

But how do I store him in my memory bank? As a [curse word]? That's a burden to me. I am having trouble storing him in my memory banks in a kind way, or even in a charitable way. Mostly, I feel he is a user of people who objectifies women and himself, including me, and that I never should have had anything to do with him at all.

 

This is an unexpected problem. I need to stop whining and accept what is, be grateful for the feelings I felt regardless of their source, and move on.

 

What a waste of my brain space! Yet, there it is.

[IAmFCA]

That's great that you can revive and/or make new friends - I relocated, got married and became a mom in less than a 1-year time span so keeping up friendships and making new ones -huge challenge.

 

A HUGE challenge. As a working mom, I found that other moms like me were overburdened even if they had a co-parent at home, and that non-working moms had opposite schedules than mine - they are at home on nights and weekends so they can see their spouses etc. This remains true. As my two have gotten older, I take more liberties with my own schedule, and so am playing with other women whose kids are older or who are not moms. Also, I am more at peace with myself and managing myself better, and am more willing to let people in.

 

Its incremental!

[faraday]

As I process my MWFN experience and let it go, I find I am letting go of a circumference around him as well. I want nothing to do with any of it.

 

You ladies told me there would be a day when I look back and think, ugh, really? And I have been doing that, and it has been making me judge what was. The reason this is happening now is I saw so much of his behavior as transient, and now I see it as a long term pattern. I look at the history of women before and after, and I am not like any of them and don't want to be. Finally, they have a consistent physical type that I don't share, which is fine with me but which colors how I view him, the choices he makes, and the things he has said. Its a little bit like finding out Santa Clause cheats on Mrs. Clause. Santa is still charming and kind and does great things for the kids, but he's selfish too and a hypocrite and its a little tough to swallow. I feel like I fought to believe in someone that I don't believe in anymore, and that is much harder for me to swallow than letting go of the rl or the friendship. Its the idea that I fought for someone who turned out to be hollow, and I feel like I besmirched myself in the process. I know I need to be kinder to myself, but haven't yet found the words for that.

 

I can say I did my best, I went for what I wanted, and I got what I needed. I was reasonably depressed when we met and I lifted myself out of that and lifted my own expectations for my dating life by living in his fantasy world for a while. He stood by me through surgery and gave me better company than could have anyone else I knew at that time. Maybe he was my short term best friend for a reason/season as that awful poem says. Now that season has passed, and he serves no function.

 

But how do I store him in my memory bank? As a [curse word]? That's a burden to me. I am having trouble storing him in my memory banks in a kind way, or even in a charitable way. Mostly, I feel he is a user of people who objectifies women and himself, including me, and that I never should have had anything to do with him at all.

 

This is an unexpected problem. I need to stop whining and accept what is, be grateful for the feelings I felt regardless of their source, and move on.

 

What a waste of my brain space! Yet, there it is.

 

It's hard when things shift. Because you feel dumb. Like...how did I not see it?

 

My Mr Wow got engaged on Christmas Day....and while I'm happy for him, I also know he's a cheating manipulative b*stard and I feel sorry for his fiancé...because she doesn't know. All of his exes know. He knows. But she doesn't see it. Probably because she still sees him in that fantasy that he pulled us all into- where he comes in and says beautiful romantic things that make you feel like you're different. Like you've saved him, and he's saved you...and life is perfect for a while. In a way he destroyed me and fixed me. He raised my standards for the men that I dated, he made me feel so attractive and so special...and while dating, he also wore me down- he made me feel jealous, insecure...fearful. And that's not me.

 

So I kind of wonder if he's just breaking her slower or if she still has low enough self esteem that she accepts it. Idk.

 

It's been 2.5 years since my mr wow and I ended...and while I appreciate the good times...and still miss the sex...I still don't look at him in a kind light. It took a long time for the rose tinted glasses to come off...and I know they say people romanticize past relationships...but now...man, I just don't get it. I thought he was all that and a bag of chips...and now....I hold a level of disdain for him that I hold for no one else. And it's not that dislike that you hold for someone you just broke up with- where you're mad and not over it. I'm over it. And I still feel this disdain. It crept in quietly and won't budge. I'm not mad. I don't know how to explain it.

 

Anyway, I don't know if or when things will be different.

 

 

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[WithLove]

C and I have been broken up for 2 years as well. And it's like... I still can't believe that he would do what he did to me. You always think... "It'll be different with me. I'm better than all of those others. How could he possibly have loved them as much as he loves me?" and the thing is... I still very much doubt that he loved anyone as much as he loved me, and I loved him. I truly don't think he will feel that kind of love again. And I feel bad about that, because I know the person he is now. I remember who he was when I loved him, and I remember who he really turned out to be... And I feel bad for him, because I don't think anyone will see the guy I loved. I think that guy is gone now.

 

You may never get rid of those feelings for MWFN. You'll always remember the man before the hurt. And you may always wish that things would go back to that. But time is a healer. Those feelings will fade. And like you said - you'll accept that it just wasn't right for you.

 

Be nice to yourself, okay? Love is rough, more often than it is easy, it seems. We have to be good to ourselves.

[IAmFCA]

It's hard when things shift. Because you feel dumb. Like...how did I not see it?

 

My Mr Wow got engaged on Christmas Day....and while I'm happy for him, I also know he's a cheating manipulative b*stard and I feel sorry for his fiancé...because she doesn't know. All of his exes know. He knows. But she doesn't see it. Probably because she still sees him in that fantasy that he pulled us all into- where he comes in and says beautiful romantic things that make you feel like you're different. Like you've saved him, and he's saved you...and life is perfect for a while. In a way he destroyed me and fixed me. He raised my standards for the men that I dated, he made me feel so attractive and so special...and while dating, he also wore me down- he made me feel jealous, insecure...fearful. And that's not me.

 

So I kind of wonder if he's just breaking her slower or if she still has low enough self esteem that she accepts it. Idk.

 

It's been 2.5 years since my mr wow and I ended...and while I appreciate the good times...and still miss the sex...I still don't look at him in a kind light. It took a long time for the rose tinted glasses to come off...and I know they say people romanticize past relationships...but now...man, I just don't get it. I thought he was all that and a bag of chips...and now....I hold a level of disdain for him that I hold for no one else. And it's not that dislike that you hold for someone you just broke up with- where you're mad and not over it. I'm over it. And I still feel this disdain. It crept in quietly and won't budge. I'm not mad. I don't know how to explain it.

 

Anyway, I don't know if or when things will be different.

 

 

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YES. This is exactly it. Exactly. Wow.

 

I feel certain he will marry the woman he is now dating. I have felt that way since last June. She has the external characteristics he seeks - money, power, slender legs. She has the insecurity, the jealousy, and the controlling nature with which he is familiar. And she will not let him go, and so he will follow. He has already talked to me about committing to her and having sexual relationships outside the marriage, because he feels the sex with her is not enough to sustain him. That I would be surprised how often that goes on. While all of this may have been shared with me to be self-serving, to get me to cheat with him, it is consistent with other observations. Everyone has nice qualities, but in the end, what's compelling to him is her power and money packaged with nice legs. Disgusting.

 

I can't believe I let him so close to me. I feel like, my own values had to have been uncertain. I don't know, I don't want to think that about myself. No, they weren't. I just believed in a mirage. Seems... gross.

[IAmFCA]

C and I have been broken up for 2 years as well. And it's like... I still can't believe that he would do what he did to me. You always think... "It'll be different with me. I'm better than all of those others. How could he possibly have loved them as much as he loves me?" and the thing is... I still very much doubt that he loved anyone as much as he loved me, and I loved him. I truly don't think he will feel that kind of love again. And I feel bad about that, because I know the person he is now. I remember who he was when I loved him, and I remember who he really turned out to be... And I feel bad for him, because I don't think anyone will see the guy I loved. I think that guy is gone now.

 

You may never get rid of those feelings for MWFN. You'll always remember the man before the hurt. And you may always wish that things would go back to that. But time is a healer. Those feelings will fade. And like you said - you'll accept that it just wasn't right for you.

 

Be nice to yourself, okay? Love is rough, more often than it is easy, it seems. We have to be good to ourselves.

 

 

Thank you - that helps.

 

that is nice to think about, that he won't feel again what he felt with me. He will never have someone of my quality unless he addresses some of his roadblocks. I will hang on to that idea because it is true.

[Batya33]

A HUGE challenge. As a working mom, I found that other moms like me were overburdened even if they had a co-parent at home, and that non-working moms had opposite schedules than mine - they are at home on nights and weekends so they can see their spouses etc. This remains true. As my two have gotten older, I take more liberties with my own schedule, and so am playing with other women whose kids are older or who are not moms. Also, I am more at peace with myself and managing myself better, and am more willing to let people in.

 

Its incremental!

 

One of my main challenges is that I no longer talk on the phone at night unless it's crucial. I need some unwinding time and an early bed time (up by 6am the latest) so by the time I put our son to bed and clean up/prep for the morning rush to the school bus (hard to talk while cleaning -too noisy/too close to his room) I need to unwind a bit. My working friends often cannot talk during the day. And if you throw in flakiness about planning, etc it becomes even more challenging.

[IAmFCA]

One of my main challenges is that I no longer talk on the phone at night unless it's crucial. I need some unwinding time and an early bed time (up by 6am the latest) so by the time I put our son to bed and clean up/prep for the morning rush to the school bus (hard to talk while cleaning -too noisy/too close to his room) I need to unwind a bit. My working friends often cannot talk during the day. And if you throw in flakiness about planning, etc it becomes even more challenging.

 

This is me, exactly. It is how I have evolved into a texter. At least I can make some half-baked connection, better than none.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my gosh, how grateful I am for the company of women. So fun.

[IAmFCA]

Haven't heard from Ice since... Wednesday maybe? Can't remember. I sent a pic from tonight, it was in a way my turn to text, but I make no assumptions about hearing back. He may very well have gone away for the weekend for all I know...