IAmFCA Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 That was a super comfy cuddle to watch a great game. "You can stay over if you want" as we were falling asleep. So not. Suggestion of a movie as I walked out. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 I really like how ice has gotten control and slowed the pace down. He is forcing us to be together as friends in the sense that we are presenting ourselves to each other outside the expectations of dating. Feels still like dating, rather, like a precursor to dating. There's a realness of a different sort. Link to comment
missmarple Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 It seems like a pattern for you...men you first date and then go out with as friends. Have you thought about it? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 I really like how ice has gotten control and slowed the pace down. He is forcing us to be together as friends in the sense that we are presenting ourselves to each other outside the expectations of dating. Feels still like dating, rather, like a precursor to dating. There's a realness of a different sort. As an adult woman no one can "force" you to do anything you don't want to do -especially a guy you've only known for a few months who you have no mutual friends with,etc - so apparently you benefit from this arrangement. It's odd to even see you phrase it that way given how you describe yourself and other friendships/relationships. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 / Good reference for lots of threads on this site, for discussion and consideration. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 / Good reference for lots of threads on this site, for discussion and consideration. I agree with this and do not see any original thought/tips in the actual steps (her way of expressing herself in the rest of the article has a creative/unique flair). I do like that she includes all types of intimacy in her admonition to take it slow. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 I agree with this and do not see any original thought/tips in the actual steps (her way of expressing herself in the rest of the article has a creative/unique flair). I do like that she includes all types of intimacy in her admonition to take it slow. I agree. My behavior has not backed it up. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 Thank you Batya and MM for food for thought. Re Ice: What I am doing: 1) I like him and can articulate why, and am interested in learning more. 2) He seems to have a similar opinion, such that this is not an obviously one-sided scenario. 3) OTOH maybe he is not for me and I am not for him, and I am now able to date fairly, whereas I couldn't before because I liked him too well. Why I said "forced": Not because he has forced me to do anything at all; rather, because he has held firm to his steering wheel and resisted my efforts to redirect. My choice was made plain: accept him at his pace or leave him alone. Neither one of us has been consistent, and it has been a bit of a bumpy ride. When we first met, he went for easy sex - not sex per se but sexual activity. I went for the same, but my motivations were different than his. He had no interest in any sort of connection; I did. I was also selfish; I was off kilter from MWFN (this was last summer). I mistook his physical intimacy for an intention for something more. I checked him on his stand-offish behavior, he changed his behavior which signaled he had respect for me at some level; still, I ended it based on our different intentions. He requested "let's try to be friends" and I agreed. I was happy with that because what had ticked me off was that he was interested in my sexual prowess but not my personality; my personality is a lot more interesting and more valuable. To be friends is to get to know me; I felt more valued when he made this request. [AHA: At that point, I met an unacknowledged goal of getting validation by agreeing to friendship. This is tangential to sorting for a LTR. I won't find the LTR I want if I continue to use men as a source of validation. THIS is the blind spot I keep running into in different contexts. Thank you MHOWE for planting this seed.] Then he created more opportunities for physical activity, while declining select invitations. He accepted and initiated little dates, like lunches or cocktail hour. I found this phase confusing: are you into me or not? If I went dark, he drew me out with pictures or phone calls or light-hearted texts. When he invited me for an overnight, I was angry and told him so, and he accepted that as a fair response on my part. All the while he opened up more. A few times, most recently yesterday, he has talked about how it takes a long time - 2 years he said once - to know someone well enough to choose to be in love with them. So, "friends" for him is a leaping off point, or it isn't, and only time will tell. I can't disagree with the wisdom of that, even though my emotions have often led me down a different path. It is demonstrated that I decide too quickly and then get stuck in a jam because I committed to something that doesn't work for me. In short, Ice has successfully gotten me to back off without dropping him altogether, and that was what I meant by "forced" though no, of course I have made a choice to be here, and quite an explicit and conscious choice. What its like now: Last night's visit was relaxed, he made me a drink, we shared a couch, we exchanged light affection and ended up sort of spooning to watch the game, which was a thrilling piece of entertainment. The game ended; we stayed up about an hour after, still watching tv though neither of us would have chosen to watch on our own. We talked to each other throughout. Nothing sexual in words or affection. We were obviously sleepy; he invited me to stay over. I didn't answer; I simply didn't. He walked me to the door and gave me a peck on the lips, which is his most recent habit, and suggested a specific movie this weekend without being specific about when. I said I liked the idea and left. We won't go see the movie. He won't plan in advance; I already have other plans for most of the weekend anyhow. Its true that I like the idea. I enjoy this sort of time with him. To me it seems as if a transition has happened that is less sexual and more intimate. I have no interest in being naked with him at this point; I have fully recovered my stability and am interested in someone who is clear about wanting a rl with me (and I in return). I have been afraid of celibacy, of late, and I am over it. If I am in a newly non-sexual phase of my single life, so be it. Risks: He is not ready for a rl. He remains on a dating site, at least one. I have a history of being a source of security / acceptance / comfort for lost souls, and maybe this is happening here. Mitigants, in order: He intends for a rl eventually; I too am on line, there is no need or desire for exclusivity at this time; he does not use me for counsel and seems self sufficient emotionally as well as hyper responsible emotionally. So that is how I end up where I am today. Re MM's point of being friends with men I have dated: I have been thinking about this. I don't see it as a pattern; I am not friends with men to whom I grew deeply attached. If I dated someone and it never really stuck, then I may well be friends or friendly; that works for me. Ice: see above. I don't view this as friends in that sense. I view this as some sort of due diligence that may or may not lead to something more robust. HOWEVER, there is a pattern of letting men use me for emotional security. This pattern is waning. Its worth looking out for it. If I permit that, what am I getting in response? The sort of validation noted above. I think I have Ice in better balance now. The need for validation from men as a valuable peer runs very very deep. I need to be vigilant. Re: Lunch date today: he likes me. I regret that I don't like him. He seems likable enough, but there is no future there. Breakfast tomorrow: new candidate; first meet. I will report in. As I have been re-re-reading this to learn from my own thoughts, I received a text from Ice wondering if I have heard from the weird lunch guy.... Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Noted: I like a man who is emotionally self sufficient and has an independent nature. Once we choose each other, I want attention. That doesn't make sense logically. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Ice asked me out for tomorrow. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Update. Crazy lunch guy texted a 5+ text series of apology/explanation. Done. Ice invite follows up on the movie idea he was floating last night. Breakfast tomorrow is confirmed. An on line candidate checked in but he has just returned from a cruise. Really? By yourself? Hmmm. And gf couldn't play with me tonight but def up for next time. Also, party at my house tomorrow. Except I found out from my college roomie. Lol. Time to clean and shop while, um, working. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Noted: I like a man who is emotionally self sufficient and has an independent nature. Once we choose each other, I want attention. That doesn't make sense logically. Can anyone else tell I am med-less? It is so obvious to me. The research studies I do seem like a bother and a waste but I am more attuned to my body than ever before. New meds aren't insured. Bother. I feel like Pooh without a wide enough opening on the honey jar. Found a way to get them on line. Feels terribly sketchy. Might do it anyway. Our health care system is so messed up! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 It's hard to base that on just writing. Sometimes people choose to write in a different style than they would speak in person (obviously the written word typically differs but I mean the underlying style, the way the person expresses himself). Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 It's hard to base that on just writing. Sometimes people choose to write in a different style than they would speak in person (obviously the written word typically differs but I mean the underlying style, the way the person expresses himself). Understood. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 The great thing about date #1 today is I liked him and he's not good looking. I have been wondering if I am more corrupted than I recognize. I was completely engaged... why? Sincere, humble, smart, local, conceptual thinker with a command of detail. Date #2 or whatever it was was lunch with Ice. Steady conversation, easy, left me feeling attracted to him but drat I can't go there because I don't want to buy what he's selling. How did he put it re marriage... "I'm not going in that direction... I don't want to be that open unless it's someone I choose to be that open with." I agree with him. Sigh. Putting my sexual energy aside till I find a suitable outlet. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 Happy New Year! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Happy New Year! Happy New Year to you and your family!! I hope 2016 is everything you want it to be (and more). Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 Happy New Year to you and your family!! I hope 2016 is everything you want it to be (and more). Thank you and to you specifically! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 Update: Fun out with friends. Texts from MWFN and like 20 from lunch guy. Have new texting app with blacklist function. MWFN and lunch guy are first on my list. (Faraday, solved it!) Ice stayed home with fam and watched sports. I normally would avoid someone who watches that often but he played division 1 college sports and his teenager is on path to do the same. I get that. I can watch my sport endlessly... if it were on tv much. Home is homey. I am sticking to my work out plan, same size and within 10 pounds of wedding weight but this time it's based on good habits and I like my arms and shoulders more than before. Mostly, I like that I can rely on myself more than before. Going back on meds for adhd tomorrow. YAYYYY Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 Health notes More plants Less sugar Stop when 80% full 3 hours a week, 50/50 cardiovascular and resistance This last pointer I am not doing. I am doing 45 mins of resistance to 3 - 4 hours of running for a total of, say, 4 - 5 hours a week of exercise spread over 6 days, saturdays off. Seems to be a good fit. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 I went to a small party of people who have known one another for 40 years. We do this annually. I'm the new person to the group, with connections being only 10 or 20 years deep. The sense of humor in this group is bawdy and raunchy. The love for each other is simple and solid. But the humor.... This year I got lots of comments about me being "hot". Highly sexualized compliments like that I look like a famous person but have a "better rack". Tiresome. I left as soon as I was able. "Why are you leaving?" Lots of i Love yous and sincere Good to see yous. But why the adolescent humor? ?? This is like me asking why the sky is blue, it just is with this crowd. Sigh. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 You should have come to my family's New Year's lunch - 3 of us - 15 minutes of knock knock jokes (waitress joined in too!). Luckily we were with our 6 year old but after running out of ideas mine degenerated into mucus-related (because of the combo with "who"). Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 You should have come to my family's New Year's lunch - 3 of us - 15 minutes of knock knock jokes (waitress joined in too!). Luckily we were with our 6 year old but after running out of ideas mine degenerated into mucus-related (because of the combo with "who"). Lol Yes! I talked food and football when I had a chance. Knock knock who's there. Oh my gosh, I can't think of one. Haha I would have loved that challenge! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 Faraday and other readers who may happen upon this post: If you have an interest in ADHD this is for you. I have recently been clean of Adderall, giving my body a couple of weeks to wash everything out of its system before starting a new research study. A new observation that is relevant to interpersonal relationships. While properly medicated, I can walk away from a guy like, phhh, done. Even MWFN. Off Adderall, I have no filter. I recently exchanged texts with MWFN. EXCHANGED! He texted first, but I RESPONDED! I mean, who cares, its not like I lost something by doing that. But really? Why did I do that? I also have been stalking fb and other weird things I didn't do before. Its because I am looking for a quick hit of attention, a burst of interaction, a stimulation for my starving brain. I didn't mind going off meds over the holiday, but am going back on again Monday. I can not wait to be on the outside who I think I am on the inside. Link to comment
faraday Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 It makes sense...when your mind has time to wander...it will Hope new meds on Monday turn out to be good ones Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
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