I know it's wrong so why can't I stop?

[Srjohn]

Hi, this is me second post, I was on just before Christmas because I seem to have developed a bit of a crush on a work colleague.

 

First and formost I'm married (10 years) and have two children. Late last year I ended up getting chatting to a girl who I had been previously avoiding because she was quite attractive and had something about her which I thought on a subconscious level best to say clear of... But foolishly I didnt. Any way long story short chatting with her confirmed my worry but rather than run away which I should have I continued. I need to point out that we have never done anything other than talk. She is very temprimental and blows hot Ms cold with me. To the point where we have stopped speaking several times but she always comes back and I always let her. I can't stop thinking about her she's literally in everything I do and I hate myself for being so weak that I can't block her out I'm 50/50 wither she actually has feeling for me or is just playing me i know she is naturally very flirty and try's to pass this off as just being friendly and also that she has numerous guys chasing her. But I can't keep away. It's killing me as I wish I could just draw a positive conclusion to this and move on but I can't seem to find one. Every time we quit it it seems to be on bad terms and I think that's why we end up trying to patch up again. I love her company and the the way she makes me feel but I need to draw this to an end before someone gets hurt.

 

Has anyone been in this situation before, I'd really appreciate a bit of help its so frustrating to know what you are doing is wrong but then do it anyway. I actually compare it to when I used to smoke!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post

[Clinton]

You can't quit because you don't want to. Quit the woe is me crap, suck it up, and do the right thing. It's that simple.

[Man with Dog]

I have. It was Hell. One of my colleagues once noticed some chemistry between us. I even thought about her outside work hours. I never did anything and stuck by my wife. Even though I still liked the girl, the crush wore off.

 

I never crossed any line and have never cheated on my wife.

 

Stay strong and good luck.

[mhowe]

ENA brothers out in full force!

[ParisPaulette]

So first off, where's your wife and kids in all of this? Second, this girl is having a grand old time laughing at you behind your back to her friends. "Hee-hee, old married goat thinks I will have an affair with him? Not a chance, but it's still fun to watch him dance whenever I feel bored at work."

 

And yeah, that is what she's thinking and doing. Sorry, I had a former friend who used to love taking all of the pent-up anger against her father's affair with a coworker out on married men at her job. It was both chilling and amusing to watch her exploit their desperation and dish out just enough hurt then honey to watch them crawl. I still shudder when I think about her sometimes and no we aren't friends, because I thought her needlessly mean. I mean, I love karma as much as the next person, but she should just be doing what I'd do and telling you to go home to your wife and kids and sod off.

 

BTW, if you're obsessing with a coworker it means your marriage is in serious trouble. Also your job. You don't think coworkers and higher-ups aren't noticing think again. You're putting your head on the chopping block here in more than one way for some so-called obsession over a girl who has no intentions of anything with you, but keeping you the puppet whose strings she can yank.

 

And yep, I'm betting she has some righteous hostility towards men on top of it all thus the hot and cold. She does it because she can and she knows you can't say a damn thing about it. You literally have no right to complain and she knows it, I know it, the world knows it. If you have a daughter or two you might want to rethink the whole thing before they become that girl some day.

 

If you're able to resist buying that new car you want so desperately or to keep from telling your boss off, so you can keep your job then yes, you are indeed able to stop this insanity and focus on doing your job at the office and then your marriage and family at home. And yeah, I'm being harsh, but you need to wake the H up, so I'm not even going to try and sugarcoat this.

[greta96]

I did notice along the years that some men seem to be attracted to toxic women, those who make their lives seem like a rollercoaster, and they become addicted to them. I guess it's the unpredictability? The never knowing what to expect?

The cat and mouse game she's playing with you is keeping you on your toes, and you love it. It breaks your routine and the predictable (but peaceful, quiet) life you are living with your wife.

She is like a fire, and you are playing with it, until one day you get burned.

 

I have no better advice for you than to stop doing what you're doing, because you will live to regret the woman you're emotionally cheating on. Put an end to the nonsense. Keep your distance from her whenever possible, and if she asks you why, you tell her straight up that you're married and love your wife, and have no interest in flirting with her.

If you don't do this, one "happy hour" after work will turn into sex, and there you are, joining the ranks of the cheaters. Your wife doesn't deserve this, as you are already well aware. You are the only one who can take steps to avoid disaster, but you need to be willing to do so. You can't possibly be happy being one of the fans this vapid woman has in rotation, don't you have better things to do than feed her ego? She's playing with you, and having fun doing so. It is actually funny to see how stupid some married men get over a bit of attention lol. I feel sorry for your wife.

[redswim30]

OP, first of all, it's good that you haven't done anything with her, start with that.

 

I think people are getting a little judgmental on the woman in question. Different people read flirtation differently. Perhaps she is just a friendly person, and because he likes her, he is reading it as stronger than she intends it.

I know I have been in situations where I thought I was just being friendly, and a guy read it completely the wrong way from what my friendliness towards him was intended.

 

I don't think she is necessarily some evil, trying to tempt him manipulator. Even if it is mildly flirting, people in workplaces DO harmlessly flirt all the time without ill intentions. But if it is bothering you, just politely ask her to stop.

 

You aren't weak. You haven't actually done anything with her, so you are strong! Most people, even happily married ones, occasionally get crushes on other people. It doesn't make you bad.

What would make you bad is acting on it, but you haven't.

 

That being said, IMVHO, the fact that you can't stop thinking of her implies something wrong in your marriage. I think the desire for someone else often presents itself as a symptom of an underlying relationship problem.

Does this coworker have qualities that your wish your wife had? Does she represent something that you feel you lack? Exuberance? Friendliness? A zest for life?

Do you feel like you aren't getting attention at home? Do you feel like she validates you in a way that your wife doesn't?

 

I don't know, but I think the sooner you pinpoint this, the better. Once you discover the root of your desire, you can figure out what needs work in your marriage. IMVHO, if you just try to "ignore her", you are almost setting her up as a forbidden fruit.

 

Next time you have those "feelings that make you feel so good" around this co-worker, try and determine what they are. This will help you to discover what you might need to do to strengthen your marriage and thus kill your desire for the coworker.

Maybe it's as simple as being more spontaneous with your wife or spicing things up a bit. Good luck!

[jimthzz]

You're not the first married man who thinks they have good intent who then encounters a woman who flirts with you and is powerfully attractive.

 

All you gotta do is think with your big head and wonder what kind of toxic game she is playing.

 

Do not socialize with her. do not look at her body. do not smell her perfume.

 

She can ruin your life and move on to the next guy--for sport.

 

Is that what you want?

[HeartGoesOn]

It's killing me as I wish I could just draw a positive conclusion to this and move on but I can't seem to find one.

 

The "conclusion" is directly in front of you as well as within you, yet you're choosing to take the easy way out by making it all about you, while not giving a thought to the ones who potentially will hurt the most.

 

In any event, it would be wise to find that "positive conclusion" before it finds you.

[bulletproof]

Has anyone been in this situation before, I'd really appreciate a bit of help its so frustrating to know what you are doing is wrong but then do it anyway.

 

I've not been in this situation before.

But maybe it's best to start at the beginning. Do you want to stay married?

[BMP2CPM]

Usually, I would say that a man has to put his career first and women second. Single or married, never get involved with someone at work. A work relationship that doesn't succeed (most of them don't) is like revisiting a train wreck EVERY work day.

 

But.....what really worries me here is you said, "She is very temprimental and blows hot Ms cold with me. To the point where we have stopped speaking several times but she always comes back and I always let her. "

 

Warning bells are going off when I hear this! Makes me think she could have borderline personality disorder(BPD). Single or married, if you're attracted to a BPD woman and get involved with her, you are beyond screwed. Your life as you know it will be over for many years, if not longer.

 

I don't recommend cheating, but if you go that route, don't do it at work and don't do it with a woman that could potentially be BPD, unless you really enjoy destroying EVERY aspect of your life.

 

Best of luck!

[Man with Dog]

ENA brothers out in full force!

 

I'm not totally sure about this but I'm sure a lot of married people experience superficial attraction at some time. In my case it was more than superficial and took me by surprise. I made the right choice not to act on it. My 20 years of marriage haven't all been good and, yes, there have been times when my main reason for staying was not to break up my daughter's family unit. My wife has also more or less said the same thing at times.

 

Well if I try to paint a picture of how things are now, it's all a bit mundane. We don't do a lot of exciting stuff, not least as I'm not working at the moment and our general health isn't good and this affects lots of things. Yet we have a sort of middle aged contentedness as we snuggle up to watch TV. Our daughter is a great girl.

 

I didn't think my crush was a toxic person but I'm glad I stuck with my family and did not follow my instincts. That I'm proud of. I'm not proud of how I felt at the time but there's a lot of things in my past and a few in my present that I'm not proud of. It is true that a lot of married people feel flattered by the attention of someone else but I would advise against following a crush that may be temporary.

[Lester]

Proximity plays tricks on the mind.

 

Right now she's a beautiful woman in a dazzling sundress.

During divorce, your rose-colored glasses will come off and you will see as she really is; a leper in a dirty rag.

 

PS, Spend some time reading tragedy's over in divorce.

[Unreasonable]

Stop talking to her, period, unless it is a business matter.

 

An attractive woman down the hall is MUCH easier to resist (and to stop obsessing about) than someone you're playing flirty games with.

 

And don't say that you can't do that. You're not a puppet.

 

And I agree with the previous poster that you probably need to examine the state of your marriage.

[Doofus]

This is very very common. Most people at some point develop work crushes. It really doesn't have to mean anything other than you're still human and will sometimes find other humans attractive. You can't control that. No one with a working libido can. Noticing the hot woman down the hall does NOT mean your marriage is 'in trouble'. Otherwise every marriage is in trouble. So don''t take to heart some of the more severe comments you're getting. I don't know what it is, but the commenters on infidelity forum are some of the angriest on all of enot.

That said, I don't know what you mean by 'flirting'. Has it gotten overtly sexual? Or are you just playfully teasing each other? The former is bad for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is you are doing it with a woman who seems a little immature, at the least, based on your description. I would not trust someone like that with my professional career. I personally don't think flirting is a big deal (as long as it isn't sexting or whatever..) but don't do it at work. You could destroy your professional and personal life without ever even having sex with this woman.

Tone it down from now on (if it's gotten a bit explicit). Be friendly to her, but keep it on a professional level.

[Unreasonable]

Flirting only "works" if both people know there are no intentions. They are very easily misread, and are best avoided imo. Especially when we're talking people already in relationships.

[bulletproof]

This is very very common. Most people at some point develop work crushes. It really doesn't have to mean anything other than you're still human and will sometimes find other humans attractive. You can't control that. No one with a working libido can. Noticing the hot woman down the hall does NOT mean your marriage is 'in trouble'. Otherwise every marriage is in trouble. So don''t take to heart some of the more severe comments you're getting. I don't know what it is, but the commenters on infidelity forum are some of the angriest on all of enot.

 

While I agree that bashing the original poster is futile, I do think that (in his mind, at least) this has gone beyond a crush, an attraction, or a harmless flirtation. And I think if the OP is saying he needs to stop before someone gets hurt, that he feels that his marriage has the potential to be "in trouble" if it isn't already.

 

Yes, people in relationships will be attracted to others—nothing wrong with that—but it's how they act on it that matters.

[redswim30]

Flirting only "works" if both people know there are no intentions. They are very easily misread, and are best avoided imo. Especially when we're talking people already in relationships.

 

I agree.

The problem is everyone reads "flirtation" differently. So one person (the woman) might think she is just being friendly with no intentions other than being friendly.

 

The guy might be reading the same exact actions as flirting.

 

The thing is it's a little over-interpretive here to assume she's (the co worker) even trying to make anything happen. Especially since he admits it's "just talking". It doesn't sound as if she's tried to kiss him or touch him in any way.

It doesn't sound like they've spent any time together outside of work. We don't even know if she has been "explicit" with him in any way. So, it's entirely possible she does believe she is just harmlessly flirting and nothing more. If it makes him that uncomfortable, he doesn't need to talk to her.

I find it a little sad that so many people are ascribing horrible intentions and extreme assumptions about this woman. It goes back to the ludicrous idea that obviously if a halfway attractive woman is in any way friendly or god-forbid slightly flirty with a man, she MUST be trying to get in his pants or break up his marriage.

 

The real "danger" seems to be stemming from his own thoughts, which is why I suggested the problem be something he is thinking about himself or his marriage.

 

I agree with a previous poster, a LOT of people harmlessly flirt at work, it doesn't always mean anything. But from everything the OP said, it seems to be meaning more to him emotionally than to his coworker.

 

I just don't think she needs to be so severely judged when nothing has really even happened and she hasn't made any bold statement about desiring him beyond flirtation.

[Unreasonable]

When I think of playful flirting that "works," I think of Bond and Moneypenny. I mean, they're using blatant innuendos and everything, and still, somehow, never take it to the next level.

 

That's a movie though; it rarely works that smoothly in real life. I've never personally seen it. Seems kind of mythical.