K's Dating Journal

[Fudgie]

Dunno how the scheduling works - do you have a regular schedule like M-F 8a-5p or something? Because if not and if your shifts change, can you ask for a certain day off for an appointment? (not PTO, just a day off) I had mine done on a Friday I believe, and took the weekend to heal. Honestly, the first day was the worst but everything else was fine afterward. I did get a dry socket but was able to treat it accordingly and life went on.

[WithLove]

Yep, I work those hours you mentioned. I can take off time for appointments, as long as I can make up the hours during that week (like I can skip lunches for 5 days, therefore I could leave at noon one day that week). I was worried about it, but I just asked a coworker who has had all her family members get theirs removed and she suggested leaving early on a Friday and taking the weekend to recover, then coming back on Monday. That way I wouldn't miss any work.

[WithLove]

I know for sure the top two will have to be removed - they broke the gum surface years ago but never pained me at all til about a month ago. I don't feel anything on my bottom jaw, so maybe I'll leave those alone (if they are there) - although my coworker did suggest getting them all out at once.

[Fudgie]

That would be my suggestion as well. You would definitely be able to come back on Monday if you left early on Friday and had the procedure in the afternoon.

[WithLove]

So over on Sophie's journal, we were discussing our psychomotor agitation stuff, and she suggested getting play-doh or silly putty to help offset picking at my skin and always feeling like I need to be chewing something.

 

So I got play-doh first because I couldn't find silly putty ANYWHERE and it did help. But I had told my mom about wanting to find these and why, and she found a bunch of silly putty for me at the Dollar Store over the weekend, and I just opened one and..... IT IS SO SATISFYING. I am kneading it in one hand as I work and it's just.... incredible.

[WithLove]

I got into an argument with my northern friend over the weekend. I realized that... this whole time, my offer of love, affection and commitment were being thrown in my face because he doesn't feel like he deserves them. And every time I try to convince him otherwise, he closes off and it's just a huge slap in the face. He's not ready for a relationship and now I don't think he can even handle a friendship with me. It ended with me telling him to f**k off and him replying "you got it". I know now that he is in no condition to ever fight for me, the way I'd fight for him (or any other partner).

 

I can't forget the love that I know I have for him, but at least he made me angry enough to ignore him so I can move on. It's one of those things where I'm sure there's like a 99% chance of it never becoming anymore more than a LDR.... but I know that sliver, that 1%, will always give me hope. But I'm going to bury that deep in my heart and hopefully it will fade as time passes.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm not convinced it's particularly healthy for someone to need to fight for you.

 

Trying to be with someone with a lot of drama usually spells disaster.

 

Hopefully, you will feel ready to cut him off for good.

[WithLove]

And now, I asked him to take me off of auto texts (which he would auto text me every morning at the same time, reminding me to take my meds). And suddenly he's like "Will you still take them daily? Even on weekends?" and I feel so angry. He doesn't get to be concerned about my welfare anymore. He doesn't get to act concerned and demonstrate compassion. He has lost that privilege.

[Cheetarah]

I hate to bring up the possibility that he inadvertently used you as a 'crossover'(in terms of emotional support, hope for a future beyond his now ended marriage, etc). I do believe people can be in such a bad head space that they will push away all that is good, but I don't think that happens very often. I can't think of a time in my life where I felt like I should throw something away I really valued because I didn't think I deserved it. If I pushed it away it is because I did not want it, it wasn't the sort of thing that I wanted on my radar. He mentioned to you he wants to enjoy single life and I think that's certainly an important thing for him to do before he emotionally invests in another person again. Not only important but in my opinion, necessary. It really doesn't make much of a difference if you have already 'checked out' emotionally prior, I know I had feelings pop up after my divorce even though I didn't feel any loving feelings for my ex anymore and hadn't for quite some time.

 

But aside from that, I just saw Ms. Darcy's response about fighting and I agree with it. To me it is like begging for love and affections. No one should have to do that. It's either given or it's not, you know. And you should not...have to fight for anyone to give you that. Ever. If you have to do that it's not right, it wasn't right and it won't be right.

[WithLove]

Now he's mad that he's trying to talk to me more and I'm acting snotty. Ugh. I don't get it.

[WithLove]

I asked him what he wanted from me. Because we used to be incredibly close, then went to zero communication, and now he's suddenly trying to be more talkative like we used to be. I've never changed how I was. I always showed as much caring and support as I could. Sometimes he'd appreciate it, and sometimes he'd act like it was underserved. I just figured it was over, so I stopped communicating.

 

I believe in people using others for an emotional crutch. I do. I think he realized that's what he was doing and backed off.

[Ms Darcy]

And now, I asked him to take me off of auto texts (which he would auto text me every morning at the same time, reminding me to take my meds). And suddenly he's like "Will you still take them daily? Even on weekends?" and I feel so angry. He doesn't get to be concerned about my welfare anymore. He doesn't get to act concerned and demonstrate compassion. He has lost that privilege.

 

Eh, that doesn't sound like compassion. It sounds like condescension. You aren't stupid. You know to take your meds.

 

You really like this guy?

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like he's trying to manage down your expectations to a level that's comfortable for him.

Unfortunately that doesn't work for you.

You two move towards each other, he backs up or creates drama to create space.

You leave, he wants you back. . back to status quo.

Call him afraid, call him what you want.

Call it: not working for you.

[faraday]

I think this guy needs to get blocked. A real friend doesn't use you as an emotional tampon to be discarded when no longer needed.

 

 

I haven't said anything about this WL because...I didn't want to come across as the one that's always giving you crap (because it seems like it sometimes)....but I'm kinda bummed out that you thought this guy was a good idea. I'm not going to get down on you because I think he's already brought you down enough- but let me say one thing. If you need to keep someone a secret...because you know others won't approve...like how you didn't tell us about it because you knew we wouldn't...that's like a giant red waving flag that it's not a good idea.

 

I'm sorry this guy is being a jerk. And I'm sorry you're sad. I hope you feel better soon.

[WithLove]

I'm fine, guys. I'm pretty over it already. He's made me angry and doesn't even know or can conceive why. And I'm done trying to explain myself. I'm still okay with being friends, but we will never be the way we were. I'm good with that. Sometimes we come out of things like this worse for wear... And other times we come of it knowing we deserve better. And that's how I feel. That I can attract a quality of man that doesn't have so much drama and baggage. That I don't have to chase and feel like he's chasing me. I don't want all those games. I do feel like I liked being wrapped up in the drama, the romance of it. But I managed to pull myself out of it before doing something stupid, which is still a good thing for me. So even though it's a slow process... I'm learning, and doing better.

[WithLove]

I wore my gym shoes to work on purpose today, in the hopes it'll spur me into going after work. Hopefully I won't be too hungry, but I'm going home for lunch so I can slice up some cucumber to eat as a snack later this afternoon. Maybe I'll bring something a little more hearty as well, to tide me over til dinner after the gym.

[WithLove]

I feel strange today. Mentally, I feel great, actually. Physically though, I feel like my eyes are swimming around in their sockets. They feel swollen and sort of over-lubricated, if that makes any sense. And I've noticed that the tips of my two index fingers are tingly. I've been taking my meds faithfully every day. Weird!

[Ms Darcy]

About the gym, have you considered going in the morning? I know it's a pain to get up early but I always feel great for the rest of the day.

 

Of course I say that as a hypocrite because I did my 5 mile run today at lunchtime.

[WithLove]

You know, I go to bed so early that getting up earlier for the gym isn't such a scary thought. I might try that tomorrow... given that I'm actually unbelievably tired today. I had my cousin over last night and she has been sick for like 2 weeks, and today I physically just haven't felt very well at all, and even my mom was telling me that she woke up with clogged ears. Not looking good! I'm going to bed early tonight, likely within the next few hours, so I'll set an alarm for early and see what happens. Thanks for the idea!

[WithLove]

Today I thought that I'm getting really tired of telling myself "today's just a bad day; tomorrow will be better." I've spent most of my 20s telling myself this, and I'm wondering when that thinking process will change.

 

I hate this job, and it's the first time I feel like my job is not important to me; that I'm working to live and not living to work. All of my professional jobs were super important to me and I would take the time to be ready for each and every thing that may happen each day. But with this one, I just come in, do the work, go home. I don't talk with my coworkers, I don't make attempts to be friends with my boss. I don't make suggestions on what could be done better or go to my superiors with problems I have. I just sit here and do work and wait for the day to end. It's making me lose heart.

 

Having an off day, I suppose. I'm reflecting a lot and I'm just still really surprised by how much I am not where I wanted to be at 26. I know I've spoken about it before, but it's something I think about every day; about how I am struggling more now than I did when I was in my early 20s. Although when I think about it, I don't think that's true - because I think I struggled just as much, but I was more blinded to my struggles. I wasn't on medication and I wasn't very receptive to reflecting on myself, because it was just rough times and I didn't want to think about it. Forcing myself now to take the time to think about everything that goes on - well, sometimes I think it just makes it worse. I'm more self aware than I've ever been and at times I regret being this way.

 

My poor mom. She wants to take my demons from me so badly. She must feel terrible when I tell her that I don't think there's anything she can do.

[Seraphim]

That can be said for almost everyone. I don't know one person personally who had their life turn out as they thought it would. Change is the only constant thing.

[Ms Darcy]

I try not to get too bogged down in "where I should be" by X age. Instead, I would focus on what you want for the future.

 

For every therapist, counselor, advisor, mentor I have had ... for everything that I want they have advised having very specific goals. For example, your vision for yourself may be to be happy. But the goal beneath that should focus more on things that can be tangible.

 

Anyway, I would focus more on the future and what you would like to do. And then take baby steps towards working on it every day.

[WithLove]

Pretty rainy and miserable day. Trying to make it home!

 

]

[Seraphim]

Can we have rain? We are in a drought.

[WithLove]

Sure! It rains every day here.