K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

Did you see my post?

 

Yes Ma'am - the plate method. I've done this in the past with my mom because she is diabetic. It worked in that I gain any weight, but I didn't lose any, either. But I also was not very active, so there's that. Maybe it's something to try again.

[sophie274]

When I ran cross-country in high school, our coach also used to tell us how fast to run based on talking. So for instance, jog at a pace where you can have a basically continuous conversation, or, you should be running fast enough that you can't exchange more than a few words. I think it's a really useful way of gauging exertion levels.

[WithLove]

When my trainer first started with me, she had me walking a such a pace that I was practically jogging - it was far too quick for me, I could hardly answer her questions. She told me that that was the level she wanted me at, as far as pace went. But I felt it was much too quick for me. I'd burn out in just a few minutes. So I compromised by lowering the speed a bit but increasing the incline.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes Ma'am - the plate method. I've done this in the past with my mom because she is diabetic. It worked in that I gain any weight, but I didn't lose any, either. But I also was not very active, so there's that. Maybe it's something to try again.

 

It's something to consider.

[WithLove]

I meant to say that I didn't gain any weight with the plate method.

 

I do think I will try it again when I make my usual dinner, which is chicken pan-fried in coconut oil and a side of veggies (normally corn and green beans, but sometimes just green beans) and occasionally beans.

[WithLove]

I did a really bad thing on my lunch.

 

I went home because I needed to grab a change of clothes for tonight. I had planned to make myself a tuna melt for lunch, and I did.... but I think I waited too long to eat it, because after I was done eating it I was very shaky. I felt the need to get some sugar in my body because it felt like my sugar was bottoming out. So I pulled out the Talenti ice cream I had in the freezer and ate it. All. of. it. And now I'm sitting here at work, shaking like crazy, feeling super ill, and feeling like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I feel so bad that I'm thinking about going into the bathroom to make myself sick so get it out of my system - something I've never ever done before.

 

Ugh.

[Cheetarah]

Are you hypoglycemic? You talk often about your sugar bottoming out and all this. And now you're shaking from too much? You're not diabetic?

 

Don't throw it up. Hydrate and go for a quick walk, take a break. Or go to the ER or something because that's not really a normal reaction to eating too much talenti. Seriously.

[WithLove]

I'm not diabetic or hypoglycemic. I get blood tests yearly because of my family history of this. But rather than hunger or fullness, I feel when my sugar is too high or too low. That's why I have such a hard time with eating too much. I have no STOP button. I don't really ever feel full, until I feel sick, like today. I can't remember ever feeling this bad, though.

 

I'll be okay. It'll pass.

 

I'm actually shaky all the time.

[Ms Darcy]

It's a good question if you are diabetic. Hypoglycemia is very common in diabetics. Would be good to figure out with your doctor if you have one or both conditions. (Edit: I see you responded to this.)

 

How much ice cream was it? Did you eat til you felt better or was it a compulsion to finish it?

[WithLove]

It was a pint of ice cream. I ate it because I felt sick from my sugar being too low. I ate it fast, and once I started feeling better, I was almost done with it, so I just kept going.

 

I feel so disgusted with myself.

[sophie274]

I remember you were on phentermine (right?). Why did you stop taking it? (Sorry for being nosy and it's none of my business if you don't want to say. I just assume it helped with decreasing your appetite/feeling full.)

[WithLove]

Yes, I was on it for about 3 months to aid in losing weight. I started it in October and asked to be taken off of it in January. I couldn't deal with the side effects any longer from it.

 

I don't mind at all, Sophie. Everyone in here I count as a friend and I know you all are looking out for me. That's why I keep posting.

[sophie274]

It was a pint of ice cream. I ate it because I felt sick from my sugar being too low. I ate it fast, and once I started feeling better, I was almost done with it, so I just kept going.

 

I feel so disgusted with myself.

 

Don't feel disgusted with yourself. You overate - not ideal, not something that should be a habit - but it's not the end of the world. One bad food decision isn't going to ruin you - this is all about slowly improving your habits and making more and more good health decisions and fewer bad ones. If you're anything like me, putting yourself down and wallowing in guilt is only going to make a bad decision turn into several bad decisions; when you feel bad, you're less likely to go to the gym, more likely to feel discouraged about eating well and give up on maintaining a healthy diet altogether, etc etc.

 

I don't know if you've ever read Hamlet. It's one of my very favorite books, and there is a line from Hamlet to his mother: "Repent what's past, avoid what is to come, and do no spread compost on the weeds to make them ranker". I always think of that when I've done something I regret. Repent, try to do better in the future, but don't agonize over the bad decision in a way that is unproductive and only magnifies its effects.

 

I'd just try to eat a few more veggies than usual on the weekend, try to get as much exercise as feels good (maybe add in an extra walk if you have time, organize an active outing with friends instead of a movie, etc), and in the future, make sure you have enough snacks so you're not tempted to binge. As in all things in life, it's not about not failing, it's about picking oneself up after failure and keeping on moving and trying to do better. (I sometimes find this really hard so I'm writing this in part to remind myself to take my own advice).

[sophie274]

Yes, I was on it for about 3 months to aid in losing weight. I started it in October and asked to be taken off of it in January. I couldn't deal with the side effects any longer from it.

 

I don't mind at all, Sophie. Everyone in here I count as a friend and I know you all are looking out for me. That's why I keep posting.

 

That makes sense. I know there are other amphetamines that work as appetite suppressants, but I don't know enough to know if they're likely to have the same bad side effects or not. I hope your doctor is helpful in figuring out a plan that works for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, I was on it for about 3 months to aid in losing weight. I started it in October and asked to be taken off of it in January. I couldn't deal with the side effects any longer from it.

 

I don't mind at all, Sophie. Everyone in here I count as a friend and I know you all are looking out for me. That's why I keep posting.

 

Don't feel bad; we just have to think of solutions.

 

I thought for a while there you were doing well with your dirt and feeling full with what you ate. Can you go back and repeat those practices?

[WithLove]

If by "for awhile", you mean, like, a week.

 

In the end, all I can say is that I never feel satisfied. My stomach never feels happy.

 

I'm feeling.... really overwhelmed right now.

[Cheetarah]

Were you the one who went to OA(Overeaters Anonymous)? That may have been a different member...All I know is it was a few years ago I remember someone writing about it.

 

If not, have you ever considered attending? I know you have insurance issues and they're stingy with what they will cover(nutritionists, weight loss programs, etc). It's free!

[Cheetarah]

Another thing too, is that if you are not diabetic or not non-diabetic hypoglycemic, you shouldn't be feeling fluctuations like that. Because as a non-diabetic they would stay in healthy ranges and the fluctuations wouldn't be wild. How do you know t is your blood glucose? Have you ever tested when you feel like this?

[WithLove]

I've tested a few times with my mom's machine, but I can't remember the numbers. I don't think it was over 100. But I'm going to have a serious talk with my Dr about it when I see him next in August.

 

I've never been to OA. I guess I could look into it.

[WithLove]

Last night was bad for. On the way home from the grocery store, I had two really irrational thoughts for me. I was making a left hand turn across traffic, and as I was turning, I suddenly and randomly thought that if I got hit, I wouldn't care very much. Then when I got home, there was only one other vehicle in the lot other than mine, and I had a weird visualization of slashing the other car's tires and hoping they caught me doing it.

 

I'm not used to having thoughts like that. I'm trying to gain the courage to ask my mom to keep my guns for me for a little while, just in case.

[Ms Darcy]

Last night was bad for. On the way home from the grocery store, I had two really irrational thoughts for me. I was making a left hand turn across traffic, and as I was turning, I suddenly and randomly thought that if I got hit, I wouldn't care very much. Then when I got home, there was only one other vehicle in the lot other than mine, and I had a weird visualization of slashing the other car's tires and hoping they caught me doing it.

 

I'm not used to having thoughts like that. I'm trying to gain the courage to ask my mom to keep my guns for me for a little while, just in case.

 

Please do ask your mom. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. She won't judge and she'll be glad you did.

 

Meanwhile, for a friend who had similar thoughts, she was actually depressed. I don't know if you are able to see a therapist, but if it's possible, it's a consideration.

[IAmFCA]

Last night was bad for. On the way home from the grocery store, I had two really irrational thoughts for me. I was making a left hand turn across traffic, and as I was turning, I suddenly and randomly thought that if I got hit, I wouldn't care very much. Then when I got home, there was only one other vehicle in the lot other than mine, and I had a weird visualization of slashing the other car's tires and hoping they caught me doing it.

 

I'm not used to having thoughts like that. I'm trying to gain the courage to ask my mom to keep my guns for me for a little while, just in case.

 

If your mom can hold them safely, do it. Whatever your mom thinks, you'll know that you took a step to preserve yourself, and that in itself is to be celebrated.

 

I used to have fantasies of crossing the barrier of the highway, a particular curve where I thought oncoming lights would be dramatic. I knew it would end me, and that wasn't troubling. It would hurt others, and level of irresponsibility felt wrong. I don't have those thoughts anymore. The urge to escape my reality used to be enormous. Now, my reality is harder, but my understanding of my strength is greater, as is my commitment to succeed at living.

 

You show deep maturity on here. I want to see you thrive.

[WithLove]

Thank you both. I don't know why I had those thoughts. They scared me. I'm hoping they were just random and won't repeat. But... In case they do, I don't want to have weapons in my possession.

[IAmFCA]

There is that wisdom I'm talking about. It stands out about you.

[IAmFCA]

You okay? Just checking in.