K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

I deactivated my FB for a couple days. Seeing so many tragic posts about Orlando is heartbreaking. I've also seen some pretty bad ones - people agreeing with what the shooter did, that he had a right to do it, etc. I don't want to be involved in any of that, so I'm taking a break from it.

[WithLove]

I can't escape it. My coworkers just talk about it nonstop. Ugh.

 

I'm noticing that I'm having more bad days than good. Most are just.... me coasting along, not happy or excitable or anything. Don't have any motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I'll have a good day or two, but mostly, I don't. I'm not sure why. And I've been so tired lately. Just... sleepy. I'm starting to think I have a sleeping disorder or something.

[WithLove]

I'm feeling a bit anxious at work today. I'm cracking my knuckles and wringing my hands a lot. I'm also picking my skin without meaning to. Not sure what my deal is today.

[WithLove]

I think I'm starting to feel lonely. I am isolated at home and at work, now. I go to the gym and don't talk. I do go out to eat with friends occasionally and I meet with my gaming group once or twice a month. I talk with my mom on the phone, but not every day. I talk with my friend from up north almost daily. I'm craving some real, physical, human interaction.

[Fudgie]

Wish you lived in my state, we'd have fun together.

[faraday]

I'm sorry that tore feeling like this. I get like this too sometimes ...where I need people. In those times I call every friend I can and set up some kind of activity. It doesn't happen to me often, but when it does...I just need people.

 

Time to get dialling girl.

[WithLove]

I did arrange to see friends on Tuesday for dinner. I'm also going to see some this weekend. It's just the day-to-day things that I'm struggling with. I don't have a lot of friends that are into texting daily, and I don't really want to bother them with anything.

[faraday]

I think that's part of getting older. I don't text anyone unless I'm setting things up to meet. We all used to text all the time....idk why that changes.

[WithLove]

I'm not at that stage of "getting older" yet.

[faraday]

You're not THAT much younger than me lol. Are you 26 or 27? That's the age where things start to shift.

[WithLove]

I'm 26. I don't feel 26. I feel much younger, and that much more incapable of......... everything.

[faraday]

Feeling incapable is...kind of a decision. To feel capable, you just need to take on projects and learn new things. I thought working for your dad would have taught you a lot and helped you feel more capable...I always feel more capable when I'm holding power tools

 

Maybe think about a project you'd like to do...refinish a piece of furniture...plant a balcony garden or window garden...remake a piece of clothing that doesn't fit or that you don't love by dyeing it, adding panels or lace (check out Pinterest for ideas)...start goals for fitness and track your weekly progress...take up making paper clay bowls or sculptures...I can help you with any of those ideas...or if you think of something else, let me know. Learning a new skill and mastering it...is one of those easy things that makes one feel capable. You can totally do this.

 

As for feeling younger...I've never felt younger. I've always been 40 in my head, so every year I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to who I'm meant to be.

 

]

 

Sometimes I feel immature, but then I see posts from my teenage cousins...and it makes me feel 90 lol. Maybe try hanging out with some teens lol.

[WithLove]

Well, let me elaborate.

 

I feel like... people around me, that are my age, have accomplished a lot more than I have. Some have finished college and are in their dream career.... some are married and having children (and wanted them)... some are big time musicians and cooks and public speakers and activists... some have traveled to 20 different countries and met with really impressive people... and I'm not of these things. I'm 26, I got fired from a job I loved, and I'm picking up the pieces again from a life I actually thought was going pretty well. I feel like I'm constantly reevaluating my life and finding faults with it, or with me. I feel like I have nothing to show for my life after high school ended, except a ton of mistakes and learnt lessons. And while those are pretty good in themselves, they aren't helping me right now. I feel like I'm living someone else's life that isn't mine, that isn't up to my own standards. And each time I feel like I might be close to reaching a goal, doing something I'm proud of and makes me happy, something happens (my fault or not) and then I have to start over.

 

I'm realizing that I don't really have a passion for anything. I have things I like doing, but nothing that I have a drive for. I thought maybe radiology was it, but then I screwed it up.

[maker]

WithLove, if I may make a suggestion, stop comparing yourself to others, especially if you only see their life through the selective lens of social media. It will only eat you from within and it's not a positive force that would help you achieve more. I've made the decision to stop comparing myself to others when it comes to relationships. Sure, it can be hard at times but there will always be people who are better at something, people who had a head start in life or some that seem to be just incredibly lucky. No point in making yourself feel bad about what others do, focus on the positive things in your life. Create a list of smaller, incremental goals if that helps.

[Fudgie]

I think that most people feel a degree of "ugh, I'm not where I want to be". I'm 26 too, finished college and applying soon to a program, I am working in my field but definitely not my dream job, ugh. We all have stuff that we want to accomplish and feel like we aren't there yet. Even my parents feel this way and they have it made compared to a lot of people.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it's part of the human condition to always want something more. more more MORE. We get so tied up in that. Think about The Great Gatsby novella and how Jay Gatsby really had a great life and was very rich/accomplished/smart/great personality, had a life that others would dream about, but he was not happy because he was pursuing Daisy and trying to get her back.

 

I've never met someone who has "had it all", and I grew up pretty privileged. It's a myth, absolute total myth. Everyone spends their whole life running around, trying to hit sometimes arbitrary milestones by age, trying to climb the corp ladder for more $$, trying to keep up appearances, etc. Exhausting! We all have goals and things that we stress about. Happiness is largely relative. Check out this article. I read this a while ago and it really opened my eyes: /

 

I think you do need to find your passion. Mind you, your passion may not be something you make money off of and that's okay. Find something you're good at and is reasonably enjoyable and stick with it. I work in healthcare because I'm good at it, good benefits, and feels good to give back. It's not my true passion and that's okay because I still enjoy it at times.

 

Just do your best. Don't worry about hitting milestones at age. Someday, we are all going to be dead and in the ground in some form and no one is going to remember (or care!) that you did by what age, it's the total sum that matters. You have time.

[WithLove]

You're right.... I do compare myself to everyone else. All the time, whether I want to or not. I don't know how to not do that.

[thejigsup]

Just realize that we are all imperfect, here for a short time, and don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of us is great or has it figured out. We're all just people. Period.

[JamesT2]

K, I'm past 30 and my situation isn't that great as well. I have saved some money in bank ''just in case' (need a new car etc),on the other hand live in an apartment which I'm obviously paying a rent for it but I cant afford a house. The current efforts to find a girlfriend havent paid off either. I don't know. Financially speaking and having been to college I could have done a lot better, i mean, being 30, many are already owning a house in a suburb somewhere, have a wife, a couple children and some pets. The whole thing so to speak.

 

My problem is my lack of motivation. I've never been really ambitious. Some people right when they graduate at 18 have a plan. Having a PhD, and starting a big family in say suburbs or invest in large rural properties and enjoy a relieving life, while working a lot though, depending their professions but they can afford two travels a year in Europe or Cancun, buy fancy cars, go to expensive restaurants every other evening. I'm nowhere near that.

 

A question of hard work maybe, a social circles, motivation. As long as you aren't miserable in your life. And being 26 nothing is definitely over for you both on the work situation or relationship. Unlike you, I was doing better at 26 than now in my 30s so hopefully things will improve for you, like they didn't for me.

 

Keep the faith, as per the Bon Jovi tune.

[WithLove]

I woke up today, bleeding for the first time since getting in my IUD. Ugh.

 

I'm going back to bed.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, let me elaborate.

 

I feel like... people around me, that are my age, have accomplished a lot more than I have. Some have finished college and are in their dream career.... some are married and having children (and wanted them)... some are big time musicians and cooks and public speakers and activists... some have traveled to 20 different countries and met with really impressive people... and I'm not of these things. I'm 26, I got fired from a job I loved, and I'm picking up the pieces again from a life I actually thought was going pretty well. I feel like I'm constantly reevaluating my life and finding faults with it, or with me. I feel like I have nothing to show for my life after high school ended, except a ton of mistakes and learnt lessons. And while those are pretty good in themselves, they aren't helping me right now. I feel like I'm living someone else's life that isn't mine, that isn't up to my own standards. And each time I feel like I might be close to reaching a goal, doing something I'm proud of and makes me happy, something happens (my fault or not) and then I have to start over.

 

I'm realizing that I don't really have a passion for anything. I have things I like doing, but nothing that I have a drive for. I thought maybe radiology was it, but then I screwed it up.

 

I think there's a connection between not having a passion for anything and not feeling like you have accomplished "enough." For most folks, things don't generally fall into their lap. If someone has a "dream career" and/or a family and/or is travelling the world, generally they had that as a goal. Further, at least for folks I know, they believed in those goals and worked hard to meet those goals.

 

For me personally, I have my dream career. But that has been 15 years in the making ... studying hard in college, years of networking, working in a low-paying job for the experience, going to grad school while working full-time. I mean, it's not overnight!

 

And I noticed you said something about "screwing up" with your previous job. Well, I think when one door closes another opens. You do have another job in that general field. And you can continue to grow and look around for another job.

 

The important thing here is that you have to identify what YOU want. People can have very simple or very grand passions and goals. But either way, it often takes a while to "get there." And, because life is unpredictable, there will be challenges and set backs along the way. That's normal too.

[WithLove]

Father's Day was sort of a bad day for me, in a way. I've been stressing about work and my truck for awhile and it sort of got to me. I was at my dad's and we were talking about stress and I was trying to tell him about my work situation and I just started crying. He and his girlfriend sat down at the kitchen table with me and talked to me about it. They said that I shouldn’t be this unhappy at my job and that if it was this bad, I need to keep it for now, but actively submit my resume elsewhere. I also told them about my truck and how I didn’t feel it would last much longer, so that’s adding to my stress because even if I found something else, how would I travel to it? Dad told me to call my mechanic on my lunch on Monday and see if I can drop it off to be tuned up. I told him I couldn’t afford it right now, but he said “I’m your dad and I’m going to take care of you. Don’t worry about it” and that made me feel good. I said that I feel like I’m always asking for money and help with this and that, and that I’ll be 27 soon and I should have my life together by now, and he told me that he didn’t really feel like he had his life together til he was in his 30s and that sometimes, when work is slow, he still feels like he doesn’t. He said all we can do is just dig in our heels and keep pressing on, and that it’ll get better.

 

I took my truck in last night and it needed some work. It wasn't as much as I expected, but still needs a tune up. I'll do that probably next week. I also sent in a resume to a local medical facility that I know is looking for someone in medical records. fingers crossed.

 

All in all.... I'm not feeling great, to be honest. I'm quite literally taking everything one day at a time, because I feel overwhelmed if I try to take on more. I feel set back again.

[imsuperman]

Glad to hear you've made the decision to submit your resume at other places. It sounds like the right decision if you're super stressed at your current gig.

 

Work/money is the hardest thing to not stress about. It can feel like so much depends on it. Just remember that as long as you're doing what's best and actively pursuing what you want, you're not wrong.

[WithLove]

I'm so tired, Superman. It's like, my body compensates for being stressed by sleeping. Maybe that's why I feel so tired all the time. I feel just as tired if I get 12 hours of sleep as when I get 5. I'm so sick of not sleeping well. Last week I tried melatonin twice; I still woke up 4-5 times each night. I just can't stay asleep. Last night I went to bed about 10 pm. I got up today a little after 7. And right at this moment, I could put my head down on this keyboard and fall asleep within a minute.

[maker]

WithLove, it suck to hear about your trouble at work, I'm rooting for you to win against all that adversity! And your dad sounds like an awesome guy, I don't think there is any shame in asking for help in legitimately tough situations. Do you have any sort of activity that destresses you and works? And with regards to sleep, have you made any significant changes in your sleep pattern or do you think this is related to stress?

If it helps you stay in control of things, tackle them one by one and don't focus too much on all the other things that need to be done. At least that's what we were taught in time management, only exceptions to this rule are tasks that take under 5 minutes to complete, it's usually better to be done with them right away and get back to whatever you were working on.

[faraday]

Father's Day was sort of a bad day for me, in a way. I've been stressing about work and my truck for awhile and it sort of got to me. I was at my dad's and we were talking about stress and I was trying to tell him about my work situation and I just started crying. He and his girlfriend sat down at the kitchen table with me and talked to me about it. They said that I shouldn’t be this unhappy at my job and that if it was this bad, I need to keep it for now, but actively submit my resume elsewhere. I also told them about my truck and how I didn’t feel it would last much longer, so that’s adding to my stress because even if I found something else, how would I travel to it? Dad told me to call my mechanic on my lunch on Monday and see if I can drop it off to be tuned up. I told him I couldn’t afford it right now, but he said “I’m your dad and I’m going to take care of you. Don’t worry about it” and that made me feel good. I said that I feel like I’m always asking for money and help with this and that, and that I’ll be 27 soon and I should have my life together by now, and he told me that he didn’t really feel like he had his life together til he was in his 30s and that sometimes, when work is slow, he still feels like he doesn’t. He said all we can do is just dig in our heels and keep pressing on, and that it’ll get better.

 

I took my truck in last night and it needed some work. It wasn't as much as I expected, but still needs a tune up. I'll do that probably next week. I also sent in a resume to a local medical facility that I know is looking for someone in medical records. fingers crossed.

 

All in all.... I'm not feeling great, to be honest. I'm quite literally taking everything one day at a time, because I feel overwhelmed if I try to take on more. I feel set back again.

 

My parents were helping me out until last year and I'm 33.

 

The people I know that have their dream careers in their early 30's...work crazy hard (like 80-100 hours a week)...and all dominant personalities. None of them are hesitant to ask for what they want...all of them are indispensable...so they can get what they want because they can't be replaced easily. Or they're entrepreneurs that work 80-120 hours a week and have similar personality traits.

 

But I don't know anyone that has everything fully together. People do different things really well...but then suck at others.

 

The people I know that have dream careers...are either constantly single and miserable in their personal lives, or so bad at budgeting that their finances are in ruins (and they just try to make more and more money to offset that...but it doesn't work like that lol). Most of those people that I know with dream jobs at 30... don't have close friends...most of their friends are more like acquaintances, and seem to be superficial...and short lasting. The people I know with great social lives often don't have great jobs. The people I know that are amazing mothers (that volunteer all the time) rarely have careers at all. I have many friends that are following their passions and making little money. I have many friends that make decent money, travel a lot, but save nothing. I have friends that seem to have it all...but then there will be things that they say in an off handed way that lead me to believe that...it's all a facade to not just keep up with the Jones, but BE the Jones...and that underneath all the white veneer smiles and Pinterest worthy clothing and decor...that maybe they aren't quite as happy as they let on. That they pretend to like their husbands.

 

I'm not saying everyone is miserable...far from it. I think most of my friends are living the lives they want to live. I'm just saying...most of them don't have their lives completely together. Most of them just appear to on the surface.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is...the way things look is rarely how it actually is. So don't compare yourself to others, everyone has their own sh*t that they're working on. Just...write down your goals, list the steps you need to take to get to them...and work towards them. Pull them out once a week or once a month and think about how you can work towards your next goal. Break it down so it's not so overwhelming.

 

And...accept help from your dad. He is your dad, and he'll take care of you the best he can. He f-ed up in many parts of raising you- and he knows that- so let him do right by you in the ways he can.

 

When I was 27, I had a 3 year old...was living month to month...I couldn't get a job outside my home because I wasn't be able to afford childcare...so I ran my own childcare company...which was volatile. If a client left, I was scrambling the next month to get a new kid and make sure my bills got paid. My parents helped me a ton.

 

But I had people on fb messaging me telling me what a great job I was doing...one of my gay friends starting crying and hugging me at a christmas party telling me how lucky I was, and how jealous he was of me that I had a child. And I was thinking...F, I feel like I've failed her...I can't buy her cool stuff ever...and most days, by the time I got rid of the kids, I was fried and too exhausted to be much of a one on one parent to her. I felt like a failure. I still do when I think back on it But we survived it... sometimes my electric bill was so far behind they'd threaten to cut off my power...but she doesn't remember that. I didn't go to friends birthday parties, weddings, or baby showers...because I couldn't afford to buy them gifts. But they didn't know that. Most of them still don't.

 

Just keep going. It gets better. Promise.