Please, need an outsiders opinion.

[luxurylover]

okane24 's reply is on point.

 

PS:speaking of being in a situation and being able to speak on it: i hope that's not the case in your situation what okane24 referred to. ive been in the position of being with a guy that thought i was "too good for him" or put me on some pedestal that was unrealistic like i was some angel or like okane said "trophy girlfriend". actually twice. let me tell u it seems like it would be a compliment but it wasnt. the guy was always feeling like what he was doing wasnt enough. quesitoning himself im sure. even apologizing when i went to his house the first time saying things like "oh, my bathroom's not that big" because mine is larger. as a result during our time dating he was insecure and ended up basically letting me go feeling as though he couldnt meet completely made up expectations from his own mind...when all i wanted was his time and love.

 

i said all that to say, dont make up scenarios in your mind and end up sabotaging something over things that dont even exist. assumptions. or maybe even feeling like ur not good enough for her...sometimes it happens...even if you dont realize it.

[okane24]

Wow! Thanks weathergirl! I've been a bit low on confidence myself so that was really nice of you to say.

 

I have my moments! Lol

 

Any updates coldarmy?

[LuxeGirl]

Okane's response really is on point. It's not easy to hear and not easy to digest. But he's right. Her reaching out to you is all about her, not you. You're filling a space that this other guy isn't; and while that might momentarily feel good, it's really not. Okane was right; the more you respond and engage with her, your heart won't be healing enough to move on and be available for someone else to come into your life. Someone that's warm and beautiful and will be just as crazy about you as you are about them. She might not consciously realize what she's doing and why she's doing it, but it truly is selfish on her part to try to come back and keep you hanging onto her.

 

You are NO ONE's backup plan. You deserve better than that.

[okane24]

Great to hear the female perspective of the "trophy girlfriend" luxury. Thx for the props.

 

Us guys need to know how you really feel when we do unwarranted things like buy you gifts out of the blue, overly compliment you and such...

 

I think we feel that since you are so "hot" and are getting so much male attention, we have to do even more than the next guy.

 

Not sure if you, Coldarmy feel that way too, but it seems that you feel like you are always walking on egg shells with her and you have to be...Perfect!

 

Is that a fair assumption?

[luxurylover]

Great to hear the female perspective of the "trophy girlfriend" luxury. Thx for the props.

 

Us guys need to know how you really feel when we do unwarranted things like buy you gifts out of the blue, overly compliment you and such...

 

I think we feel that since you are so "hot" and are getting so much male attention, we have to do even more than the next guy.

 

 

wait, i like gifts out of the blue! lol. but seriously my issue was always guys thinking they didnt make enough, or for some reason weren't good enough because of their background , or weren't attractive enough. which had nothing to do with me cause i always make my man feel like a king no matter what, that was their self esteem issues. and it's funny cause i dont think im all that, but apparently they did. what guys, and some girls, dont realize is that these insecurities can sabotage a relationship/dating situation. a self fulfilling prophecy

[weathergirl]

Okane's response really is on point. It's not easy to hear and not easy to digest. But he's right. Her reaching out to you is all about her, not you. You're filling a space that this other guy isn't; and while that might momentarily feel good, it's really not. Okane was right; the more you respond and engage with her, your heart won't be healing enough to move on and be available for someone else to come into your life. Someone that's warm and beautiful and will be just as crazy about you as you are about them. She might not consciously realize what she's doing and why she's doing it, but it truly is selfish on her part to try to come back and keep you hanging onto her.

 

You are NO ONE's backup plan. You deserve better than that.

 

LuxeGirl...I think you may be mixing up posters...what you posted (#103) doesn't sound like coldarmy's girl or situation at all ...but it DOES sound like another poster's (csdude's) situation with his ex which is an entirely different thread altogether.

 

coldarmy is still dating his girlfriend... she hasn't gone anywhere and isn't trying to come back and keep him hanging on. You are describing csdude's ex-girlfriend.

[LuxeGirl]

Oh dear weathergirl. lol... I think you're right. It's been a long weekend? lol... I'm reaching for excuses here. Thanks for pointing that out, weathergirl. Going to post this on the right thread.

[weathergirl]

Oh dear weathergirl. lol... I think you're right. It's been a long weekend? lol... I'm reaching for excuses here. Thanks for pointing that out, weathergirl. Going to post this on the right thread.

 

No worries sweetie...I have done the same thing myself! With all these threads it's easy to do!!

[LuxeGirl]

haha.... thanks, weathergirl.

[Coldarmy13]

I really appreciate the responses, especially if you take the time to read this massive thread dating back a few weeks.

 

Okane i agree with those here, great post man. Ill have to pull that up every time im feeling the way i feel most of the time lately.

 

Ive been trying to get out more and more as ive stated. Going out, even on my own often just trying to get out and get my mind off of her. I do, in a way, feel very fortunate to have her around. When we're together in person i feel the opposite of insecure. When im away, thats when i start driving myself a little crazy. Ive purposely toned down my compliments when i see her in an effort to slow down and not over do it. Now ive gotten away from some of the questions you asked. Do i see her as too good for me? I dont know if i look at it that way, while in a relationship i always saw myself as an awesome boyfriend, i just dont have that reassurance in this scenerio just yet. Thats what makes me feel insecure, sort of why am i like this right now and she isnt? Logically, its because i got attached too soon as i think highly of her and know i want to be with her for a long time. You have to keep in mind that before her, i was single for almost two years after being in a serious relationship for 2.5 years. Ive been out of the game for a long time imo. At least out of the "Wow, this girl is special" game.

 

I have hobbies, or activities to keep me busy, but they dont do anything necessarily to improve my health or self esteem. Id like to get back into the gym, but dont htink i can currently afford to join one at the moment. Before i could distract myself with a video game or a movie, but my interest in that has lowered since ive met her. So i go to a bar and try to get drinks to smooth out the edge i feel when im alone with my own brain. Sometimes its a good distraction, with meeting new people or seeing familiar faces and catching up. At my most recent bar that i like, i learned the bartender is the sister of my best friend in the sixth grade. Then i leave, sometimes depressed if i hadnt heard from her. This is usually my go to place if my friends are busy or not up to it.. and i need to get out of the house.

 

I know that we hang out a lot, which my paranoia makes me wonder if thats such a good thing. Its great for me, getting to see her that often, but is it that great for her? Ive been getting more nervous because im at a point where im not interested in a "casual" relationship with her. It would be too painful if it ever turned into FWB. I want to tell her this, but im too anxious about ruining things. I guess that could be walking on egg shells so yes. I realize that it isnt healthy that im scared to express my feelings to her about things, but im not in a healthy state of mind, most likely, anyway. Just the reassurance from her at some point would make most of this craziness all go away. My stupid needy brain/heart would just really like the commitment from her, but i have to wait for such things.

 

As far as an update?

During the PPV me and the buds were having a good time, even though my head wasnt in the right state of mind, but i played it off. She sent me a picture of these nachos she made up after she went grocery shopping she said. She asked how the party was, i told her it wasnt really a party just hanging with a couple of friends (hence i didnt know why she would rather stay home than have an easy meet with two of my friends in a casual environment). I let her know when it had finished and they had taken off. She asked how it was and i told her the PPV was OK but was fun. I asked her what she was up to, and how those nachos were. She said they were amazing and that she was just playing some video games. I didnt know where to go from there so i casually complained about going back to work tomorrow, she complained back about being in the middle of 8 days straight. I took off her birthday and Vday off (13th/14th), i found out the other day she took that whole week off. Thats pretty much the extent of an update.

 

Im debating on whether to ask about making plans for the next day or so, or seeing if she would first. We were together on Friday night, but both my days off she pretty much made herself unavailable. Going to eat with work friends Sat night and not wanted to meet a couple of my friends and staying home tonight. As of right now, im sad and i miss her. I dont even feel comfortable telling her that. Its really hard to keep this to myself.

[okane24]

Hey bud,

 

I hear ya. When you're with her, it's golden! You feel like a king, with his queen. But when you're not, it's like she can be on Mars for heaven's sakes.

 

Where is she?

Is she sleeping?

Is she having fun?

Why isn't she with me instead?

When will I hear from her again?

How do I kill time until I hear from her again?

 

Ding, text....Is that her?

Oh no, it's just stupid Johnny.

 

I wonder how her interview went?

Is that stupid ex still trying to score?

Jerk!

Ding, text. It's her!!

 

Hallelujah!! My life is okay for the next 10 - 15 minutes...

 

Not poking fun bro!

 

This was me!

 

And it can be hell. And it can get worse.

 

Just my opinion bro, but going to a bar instead of working on your health or self esteem will not make your insecurities go away.

 

I am by far, not a preacher, but alcohol will only mask your pain for the moment and it can bring you down even worse after.

 

I am huge advocate of exercise in general. You don't need a gym to workout. You can run, you can do P90x at home. Jumping jacks, burpies, situps.

 

Not sure what your build is, but ladies, having a toner man is not a bad thing right?

 

Here are the other benefits, you can focus on you, not her.

 

It increases your testosterone, making us men more manly, lol.

 

If you can find a social running club in your area, you can meet more friends, girls as well.

 

Be careful of one-itis as well. I am one of the biggest offenders of this so I know of what I speak.

 

One-itis is thinking your girl is the One and only most amazing women on the entire planet Earth and there can be no other equal.

 

That's dangerous and usually, it's not true. There are plentiful, intelligent, beautiful women out there...just in case.

 

I'm not saying cheat or start gawking at other girls, just be mindful and be open to meeting new friends. And be faithful to your girl.

 

Another extremely attractive quality about a man to a woman, is that he is socially on point, and she sees that he can get another girl, whenever he wants!

 

He just chooses to be with her. Then she feels like she's won a prize! You!

 

It sounds like things are going great with you two. Just don't force anything.

 

You're taking her out for her bday and Valentines. That's alot. That's special for a girl.

 

She has to tell all her friends, her co-workers, her family, her FB community what she's doing and with who! That's you!

 

She might end up asking you for a commitment out of peer pressure to "classify" who you are.

 

Just play it cool.

 

Let her make the choice.

 

If it ain't broke now, don't fix it.

 

When she's ready, you'll know for darn sure.

 

In the meantime, have fun man! Start a healthy or productive habit so you can gain more confidence in yourself. It will help you and her.

 

Best of luck brotha.

[Coldarmy13]

Thanks. The first part of your post is right on point. Exactly me.

 

As far as her bday/vday, nothing is guaranteed. She still has no idea whats shes doing, but she knows id like to celebrate it with her. Shes mentioned all kinds of places and that she thinks her sister will try to "talk her into going" places. She took the week off so im sure itll be filled with all kinds of stuff outside of either 13th or 14th that i wont be invited to.

 

In a perfect world. It would be just her and I on at least Valentines Day, but i never know. Shes so hard to read. The longer this goes, the worse ill get as far as trusting this relationship if i dont get something from her sooner than later. It isnt a good night tonight. My stomache is upset and i dont feel like doing anything really.

[Coldarmy13]

Do I ask her if she'd like to hang out after work tomorrow? I'm such a mess that I don't want to over do it. I'd like her to miss me, then wonder why it doesn't feel like she does.

[okane24]

I'd like her to miss me, then wonder why it doesn't feel like she does.

 

I feel your pain. Again, I've been there.

 

Guess what buddy, you are not letting her miss you!

 

You're ALWAYS available to her. She can have you whenever she wants. Is this true?

 

You always pick up her calls, you always answer texts, you always are free to go out if she wants to. Is that correct?

 

If so, you are not letting her "chase" you, "win" you, "miss" you.

 

If you are truly busy with your own life and not waiting around on hers she will genuinely miss you.

 

I know it's hard and scary to think, well if I'm there for her, she'll go to another man or won't like me as much.

 

Not true. You will be giving her space, which is Vital in a relationship.

 

And she will be more caring and affectionate to you than ever when she does see you.

 

Picture this:

 

Let's say you pick up a Kickboxing class that goes twice a week for an hour.

 

First, don't tell her your exact schedule, hours and days, keep some mystery to yourself. She doesn't need to know where you're at 24/7.

 

Just say, I am so excited about this new kickboxing class I just joined. I'm going to get ripped.

 

How would it feel if after a few days of not seeing her because you are genuinely busy, she say's, come over, I have a surprise for you. (HINT: This is when you drop everything and go.)

 

You come over and she's in sexy lingerie and say's, I don't know, but I told my friends what you're doing and I've missed you so much...and then you proceed to do the deed like Never before!

 

Has that ever happened? Do you think it will if you're always at her beckon call?

 

Sorry to be so graphic, but just wanted to drive home a point.

 

If you're not a challenge to her, you may not be as of a high value to her.

 

People want what they can't have.

 

Don't get sick, get living.

 

Sorry to be harsh man, but if you have money for booze, you have money for the gym... just sayin...

 

Just out of curiosity, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being model), how would you rate her and your looks and personality?

[okane24]

Meant to say, "I know it's hard and scary to think, well if I'm NOT there for her, she'll go to another man or won't like me as much."

[Coldarmy13]

I don't know how I'd rate her on a one to 10 scale. I'd certainly rate her higher than me though.

 

What you're saying is true. I know this. I'm having a hard time coming up with something to devote myself to keep me busy. By turning her down for something else, it'll hurt me more than it will ever affect her. I can't think of anything that would make me happier or anything I'd rather do than seeing her. Not any time soon at least. But I'm so tired of feeling this way, so mentally exhausted. I'll go into work tomorrow and fight myself all day not to text her when she's at work to try and make plans. There have been times where I've thrown my hands up and said screw it out of frustration and was just bound and determined to leave it be and told myself it's just too hard, those are the days Id hear from her and then I'd go from the lowest low to the highest high and agree to hang out / go out. I'm almost at wits end, what is doing me and focusing on myself and what is flat out looking disinterested? What is looking desperate and clingy, and what is showing healthy interest.

 

Again I feel stupid, ugly and depressed, more so at myself for all of this. How I feel, how I think, what I do, everything.

[okane24]

Don't be sooo hard on yourself man.

 

I know this all sucks. Then it's great. Then it'll suck again.

 

It's tough. No need to beat you down any more. And don't beat yourself down.

 

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG BUT WANT TO LOVE THIS GIRL.

 

So stop feeling stupid, ugly and depressed, if you can....

 

Nothing wrong with caring for her and wanting a stronger commitment, but you gotta love yourself first.

 

I can see how doing anything for yourself can seem like a stretch, but you need to do it.

 

I know it's really hard to see now, but you saying you don't know what you like or want other than her, is no bueno.

 

You're living your life for her. Shouldn't be that way.

 

But you know What, I get it.

 

I remember times I had to go to the bathroom and hide in the stalls because I was so emotional over my girl. My ex. Multiple times during the day.

 

So I'm right there with you.

 

It wasn't healthy for me and what you're going through is not healthy either buddy.

 

When you get some time in the next few days, try this...

 

Think of her 95% of the day.

 

That other 5%, that's all you man!! Who were you before you met this girl?

 

Write out 2 goals you had in life that involved no girls. That's it. You're done.

 

Try it. And tell us.

 

Here, I'll go first...

 

My goals this year are to go to Columbia by December and to get my Porsche back. I used to own one and it was a beast, until I broke it. Now I want it back and will have it. Lol

 

Relax man, you've got a great girl who enjoys hanging out with you.

 

I've got Netflix and a bad neck for a few weeks.

 

You win bro!

[janut1]

Okane24 you are so right on with all your advice here! Im using it for my situation as well so thank you!!!

 

I love the text comment. You hear your phone ding and you are hoping that its from them, but its a friend or a stupid ad from Redbox or something, then you get disappointed. I swear there is a good stand up comedy routine about that somewhere.

 

Coldarmy13 - you are a lot like me, I can get really low when I don't hear from Him and then as soon as I do, Im on a high for a hour or so, then back down again. Then in the evening if I don't hear from him again, I get down and wonder what he is doing, who is he with? I really do not like that feeling because its a roller coaster ride and it makes you ill.

 

I have been working hard lately on just letting it go. I don't have to know what he is doing all day long and its good to have him miss me too. We all have lives beyond our new love interests, right? You actually see your girl more then I see my guy because we both have kids and busy schedules, so you are lucky!

 

I work out and also go hiking and I swear its the best therapy to get out in nature or work out. I tend to not think about him when I am doing these things which I really love. It makes me want to do it more especially when I am obsessing about him. I actually tell me self, I am strong and I have everything I need. If this is meant to be, it will be.

 

Just today...I usually text him good morning every day. Today I decided Im going to wait to see if I hear from him and then I actually got busy and forgot about it. My phone dings and there he is saying good morning to me! I was so happy to see that he reached out. And I know its because I didn't text him like I usually do. So switching it up here and there is good too.

 

My last boyfriend was very needy. He texted me all day long. If I didn't answer him within seconds he would get upset. He would call me too, and I work so it was hard to keep up with his neediness. At first it was so cool because I never had to worry about hearing from him but after awhile it got old and I had to talk to him about how when Im working I can't text him all day, etc. So he eased off. But he moved way to fast for me. He wanted to move in at about 4 months of dating, he asked me to marry him at that time too. I was so overwhelmed and just not ready for it at all and it actually turned me off from him quickly and I started to lose feelings for him and saw him as a needy person and I really didn't need another child in my life, I wanted a man.

 

So to me, your pace is good, and Im glad that she doesn't know all the crazy stuff that is going on in your head. Mine doesn't either, although I did screw up once. I texted him and he didn't reply for over an hour, which is not normal for him. I panicked and texted him again and no answer... I gave it another hour and asked him if he was upset with me? He was with a client and here I was blowing up his phone. I felt so stupid and I swore to myself I would never do that again and I won't. So just know you are not alone, but all the advice from Okane if followed can really help you! Stay positive and get to the gym!

[Coldarmy13]

I texted her to have a good day at work. I think I may leave it at that and see if she says anything.

 

That is until I cave in about 4-5 hours and see if she'd like to do anything when she gets off work.

[janut1]

I texted her to have a good day at work. I think I may leave it at that and see if she says anything.

 

That is until I cave in about 4-5 hours and see if she'd like to do anything when she gets off work.

 

LOL - If not... go do something else tonight like take a walk or go have dinner out with friends or by yourself. I do that when I need to relieve anxiety over this stuff.

[weathergirl]

I texted her to have a good day at work. I think I may leave it at that and see if she says anything.

 

That is until I cave in about 4-5 hours and see if she'd like to do anything when she gets off work.

 

So much for pulling back...

 

Did nothing Okane24 sink in???

 

Ugh...I give up. You may have to learn this the "hard" way. Oh well...

 

ETA: No disrespect but you are a self-sabotager... I am convinced of that now.

 

G'luck though..

[Coldarmy13]

I appreciate your honesty, but I've been talking to a couple of buds and I'm going to be signing up at their gym. Probably after work tonight. It's also 24/7 so it would allow me to go whenever.

[janut1]

I appreciate your honesty, but I've been talking to a couple of buds and I'm going to be signing up at their gym. Probably after work tonight. It's also 24/7 so it would allow me to go whenever.

 

YEA!!!! Good for you. I think you will find it helpful to relieve some of the anxiety and worry. It helps me a lot! I also feel better about myself because I am working out, losing weight and taking care of me. Let us know if this helps at all. Stay positive I know you can do this!

[Coldarmy13]

Now I just need her to ask me to hang out so I can at least say, hey I need to sign up to this gym and then Maybe after that?

 

Thank you for the encouragement.

[janut1]

Now I just need her to ask me to hang out so I can at least say, hey I need to sign up to this gym and then Maybe after that?

 

Thank you for the encouragement.

 

YEP! That would be perfect.