luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 sidenote: its funny i was reading this article once and it says one of the major ways u can spot that someone is falling for u is if you (for example) hear from the person all day saturday and then sunday they disappear. then monday here they are again. --article was saying that hot and cold behavior is a way for the person to hide the fact that they like you by not wanting to seem too eager. my ex used to do it all the time. youre doing it to not seem too eager....who knows, maybe she is too Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Im afraid to say what i feel, even if i scale it way back. I dont want to say the wrong thing or the im so attached sounding thing and ruin everything ive put into this. Couple that with that i dont even know what to ask for at this point. We're exclusive to each other, what else would i want at this point? I really am not even sure the terminology. I do feel like ill need to be the one to take the plunge and speak up eventually since i dont believe she will. That reminds me, i dont know if i said this anywhere in the thread. The night we had sex for the first time, she looked like something was bothering her. I asked her what was wrong and she said she thinks she was starting to like me too much, and thats when things usually go bad, or something to that effect, but that she was starting to like me too much and that scared her. What happened to that? That was a month and a half ago. She did invite me over, after she told me she was hanging with the work buddy and found out i was up to "Notta" after the gym.. it didnt come accross to me as like a hey i really want to see you tonight! Weathergirl may have been right, in a way. Im not sure that im personally a self saboteur, but the more ive thought about it, i do think in this case my heart is going on the defensive and probably trying to sabotage whats going on internally with myself. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well I have got to admit...it appears she really is starting to step up to the plate here...putting forth more effort in showing her interest, etc... which is a good thing! Right? So not quite sure where your anxiety is coming from...and YES her actions speak much more loudly than words. I am wondering... could it be the relationship itself (as opposed to anything she is doing/not doing) that is scaring you? Because you know "this" relationship is 'different' and has the potential of turning into something serious like ....wait....marriage? Do you think you might subconsciously be a commitment phobe... or some variation thereof? And just the fact you "are" so wildly crazy about her scares the living daylights out of you...precisely "because" it might someday eventually lead to making a serious commitment/marriage? And it's making the commitment that scares you and causes you so much anxiety? I dunno just thought I'd throw it out there as something to consider. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well I have got to admit...it appears she really is starting to step up to the plate here...putting forth more effort in showing her interest, etc... which is a good thing! Right? So not quite sure where your anxiety is coming from...and YES her actions speak much more loudly than words. I am wondering... could it be the relationship itself (as opposed to anything she is doing not doing) that is scaring you? Because you know "this" relationship is 'different' and has the potential of turning into something serious like ....wait....marriage? Do you think you might subconsciously be a commitment phobe... or some variation thereof? And just the fact you "are" so wildly crazy about her scares the living daylights out if you...precisely "because" it might eventually lead to making a serious commitment/marriage? This is a fantastic comment and really made me stop and think. Ive heard of it happening to so many people, and i dont think it ever has with me. If i am it would be totally subconscious. When i stop and think about, I really would like to commit to her. Obviously no where near marriage but i almost felt like i was seeking more commitment. Yeah if you go deep you could say my subconscious is fooling my actual conscious into wanting too much too soon to sabotage it. Honestly that is an interesting thought though. Where else would all this anxiety come from if you all seem to see positive signs, and i see the negatives and the what ifs? Im not sure what you mean by shes stepping up to the plate? She hasnt gone a full day without texting at least ill give her that. The other day just in conversation a pet name slipped and i said "Well, hun its really up to you" and she immediately said "Hun?" in a way where i felt like i shouldnt have said it. Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 the fact that she said "hun??" and yall are exclusive wouldve made me give her a look...like **girl please ** Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 the fact that she said "hun??" and yall are exclusive wouldve made me give her a look...like **girl please ** Yeah, that stunned me a little since it was very casual the way i said it. Maybe she isnt into pet names but i mean come on! Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 it could be this for real. i know someone like this. totally unfounded concerns and anxieties. scared of "what could be" for whatever reason. but coldarmy dont miss a blessing due to totally made up scenarios and anxieties. just relax as much as possible. she likes u for sure. she even said it as you stated above. I also see what u said about after yall had sex and she said it scared her...so maybe thats why sometimes u sense she's holding back a little, maybe shes scared too ive always wondered why ppl say "im scared" when they start to like someone, especially if the person likes them back. this is one of life's greatest gifts. someone that genuinely loves and cares for u. not to be taken lightly or for granted. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I dunno now....when I read your previous posts...I didn't 'get' that she "was" doing all those things to show interest that you speak of now. A lot of what you posted was about your anxiety and focused more on the things she wasn't doing and how that made you so anxious/insecure...as opposed to all the things she was doing to show her interest. That's just what I took away from your posts..so if I was wrong I apologize. And to be honest...again from reading your previous posts...I didn't get the sense she was all that into you! But I see now I was wrong about that... Anyway, it all sounds good and positive so relax and enjoy!! One day at a time. Don't project into the future and stop over-thinking! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 it could be this for real. i know someone like this. totally unfounded concerns and anxieties. scared of "what could be" for whatever reason. but coldarmy dont miss a blessing due to totally made up scenarios and anxieties. just relax as much as possible. she likes u for sure. she even said it as you stated above. I also see what u said about after yall had sex and she said it scared her...so maybe thats why sometimes u sense she's holding back a little, maybe shes scared too ive always wondered why ppl say "im scared" when they start to like someone, especially if the person likes them back. this is one of life's greatest gifts. someone that genuinely loves and cares for u. not to be taken lightly or for granted. It could be all mental, i could never deny being mental over this after almost 20 pages on a forum. Whats been on my mind lately is that im afraid that this is/will turn into a casual relationship not an eventual serious one. Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 still it's worth the risk. and apparently shes not aggressive so it may be up to u to take a bit of the lead. but yall are still early n2 the relationship pretty much so enjoy these first stages who knows what the future will bring. it could turn out perfectly fine Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Im afraid to say what i feel, even if i scale it way back. I dont want to say the wrong thing or the im so attached sounding thing and ruin everything ive put into this. Couple that with that i dont even know what to ask for at this point. when i said say what u feel, it doesnt have to be a deep discussion. i meant if u feel like saying hi, hows ur day going, do it. or send a funny meme or something random. of course if you feel like there's something that needs to be said and u feel the timing is right , do it. stop second guessing urself. but don't move too too fast, it's only been 2.5 months. i know that sounds like a contradiction but only you know what "too fast" is....its different for everyone. some ppl are married by 2 months so everyones different. but moving too fast imo is definitely not texting during the day to say hi or spark up a lil convo. nothing wrong with that! but i wonder too, if ur exclusive , to me that's already a relationship, right? or do u define that as still dating, just dating exclusively? some ppl say titles and things like that dont matter but to me they do. they help define boundaries and expectations. im just asking out of curiosity. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I was out of the game too long to figure out all these titles. Last time i had a serious relationship it was can i be your boyfriend or id like you to be my girlfriend. Now i asked to be exclusive, which to me means you arent dating anyone else but each other. It her actually being my girlfriend is something different on these boards sometimes. I guess that would be putting it up on facebook for the world to see or something. Which i did try after the exclusive talk and she said she wasnt ready for that. So they must be different. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I was out of the game too long to figure out all these titles. Last time i had a serious relationship it was can i be your boyfriend or id like you to be my girlfriend. Now i asked to be exclusive, which to me means you arent dating anyone else but each other. It her actually being my girlfriend is something different on these boards sometimes. I guess that would be putting it up on facebook for the world to see or something. Which i did try after the exclusive talk and she said she wasnt ready for that. So they must be different. Re second to last sentence above ^^ It would appear you're both a little 'scared' .... which is okay I guess except if neither one of you makes a move forward..the whole thing might slowly die of attrition.... drifting off into neverneverland. Don't let that happen! Talk to her...lay it all out...it's time IMO. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Re second to last sentence above ^^ It would appear you're both a little 'scared' .... which is okay I guess except if neither one of you makes a move forward..the whole thing might slowly die of attrition.... drifting off into neverneverland. Don't let that happen! Talk to her...lay it all out...it's time IMO. Is it not too soon?! Im not sure how i would. All i hear is too soon too soon its still too early. It will feel too early all the time if she stays the way she is now. You have no idea how badly i want to, but if its too soon it could be my biggest regret ever not to let it simmer more. Is it totally damning if i tell her that im happy with being what we are now which is exclusive, but it would make me so happy to be able to officially refer to you as my girlfriend, not just a weird area of exclusivity. To be able to introduce you to my friends/family and when i talk about you or what we did together to my friends be able to tell them you are my girlfriend. To also be able to meet your friends/family with the confidence that you chose me as your boyfriend. Maybe someday, be able to post it to facebook even, because id be so proud to let everyone know about you. Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 thats actually a very cute way to say it. and its clearly eating u up....i think its time to put it out there. say it like u said here, that sounds nice and not pressuring. i would also throw that in, make it clear ur not pressuring her into anything. also, forgive me but how old is she? i dont understand how u can be exclusive with someone yet be hesitant to call that person ur BF...it sounds a little stupid and silly. i know that's ur boo, forgive me but i had to say it Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 thats actually a very cute way to say it. and its clearly eating u up....i think its time to put it out there. say it like u said here, that sounds nice and not pressuring. i would also throw that in, make it clear ur not pressuring her into anything. also, forgive me but how old is she? i dont understand how u can be exclusive with someone yet be hesitant to call that person ur BF...it sounds a little stupid and silly. i know that's ur boo, forgive me but i had to say it Thank you, its just what came to mind just now. Im 30 and shes 29, 30 on Feb 13th. Yes, it is stupid and silly and its another source of insecurity for me. Almost a half commitment, but should i even expect a full commitment 2.5 months in.. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 thats actually a very cute way to say it. and its clearly eating u up....i think its time to put it out there. say it like u said here, that sounds nice and not pressuring. i would also throw that in, make it clear ur not pressuring her into anything. also, forgive me but how old is she? i dont understand how u can be exclusive with someone yet be hesitant to call that person ur BF...it sounds a little stupid and silly. i know that's ur boo, forgive me but i had to say it Well they do that because, in my experience, they want to see where things go with that person without dating others. It could mean her feelings for him are not there yet or it could mean she's still looking around for someone else or it could mean she's waiting for him to broach the subject. Also, prioritizing health safety reasons, when sex enters the picture, some people focus on exclusivity so the other person doesn't feel pressured. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Too soon for what? Telling her how you feel (that you really like and care about her) and where you would like this relationship to go? Heck, you are exclusive (as far as you know), sleeping together, seeing each other regularly, etc.......talking about what you both want and where you'd like the relationship to go shouldn't be this big huge deal you are making it out to be. This is just standard stuff couples talk about... often times before 2.5 months, especially if they're already exclusive, having sex regularly, etc. It doesn't mean everything has to happen tomorrow.... but it IS important you are both on the same page re what you BOTH want! If you are both too 'scared' to talk about this stuff...for fear of "running" the other person off...then something is terribly wrong IMO. It appears you are both (you more so) are tip-toeing around each other, walking on eggshells and driving yourself utterly crazy in the process. Is that any way to live? With her, too 'afraid' to have the status of your relationship posted up on FB (she's your girlfriend, oh the horror!!), or uncomfortable meeting a couple of your friends? Really??? And you, driving yourself into a near state of sheer panic all because she hasn't responded to a text message in a couple of hours? Your mood is 100% contingent upon how responsive she is to you on any given day! This is no way to live, is it?! I don't think so, and I don't think you think so either. And it should not be this way IMO. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? You find out you are NOT on the same page, she likes you, but doesn't wish for it to move forward, preferring to keep it more casual, undefined, doesn't wish to be referred to as your "girlfriend" (again..oh the horror)...doesn't wish to meet your friends....wouldn't it be better to find all this out now??? BEFORE you become more emotionally involved...and perhaps even falling in love with her! Honestly, maybe she just needs a gentle nudge...because it 'does' sound like she is very into you. Someone needs to take charge here Coldarmy, otherwise as I said, your 'relationship' as it stands now is gonna drift off into never never land... Be strong! Be BRAVE...talk to her!!! It's all good! Now "go break a leg" and let us know what happens! Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well they do that because, in my experience, they want to see where things go with that person without dating others. It could mean her feelings for him are not there yet or it could mean she's still looking around for someone else or it could mean she's waiting for him to broach the subject. Also, prioritizing health safety reasons, when sex enters the picture, some people focus on exclusivity so the other person doesn't feel pressured. i get the exclusivity thing, i was just wondering y the hesitation on her part to say BF and that's really what he is technically Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well they do that because, in my experience, they want to see where things go with that person without dating others. It could mean her feelings for him are not there yet or it could mean she's still looking around for someone else or it could mean she's waiting for him to broach the subject. Also, prioritizing health safety reasons, when sex enters the picture, some people focus on exclusivity so the other person doesn't feel pressured. ^^That is precisely why they need to talk...cause if her feelings aren't there "yet" and/or she wants to keep options open...or even if she is waiting for HIM to broach the subject.... these are things he needs to know...preferably sooner rather than later! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Alright. I'll text her a little later and see what she's up to after work. Should I mention that I'd like to talk to her about something? Link to comment
luxurylover Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Should I mention that I'd like to talk to her about something? i personally dont like when ppl do that...makes me nervous. anticipation...unknown Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Alright. I'll text her a little later and see what she's up to after work. Should I mention that I'd like to talk to her about something? No just talk to her when you see her...maybe over a nice dinner...bottle of wine. Don't make it sound like a big deal or too serious...as I said this is just standard stuff couples talk about. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Also...try not to check the ENA board while you're out with her! lol Too distracting..you want all your focus to be on her...while you're out with her anyway. Checking the ENA board while out with her....that's crazy! Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.