Another online daing journal

[faraday]

How's it going?

 

I was just coming here to ask that lol

[reinventmyself]

I'm a little drained. Don't have much to offer. On top of everything I am working overtime this week, so I am tired as well.

I worked late last night and had to turn around and come back in early. I may as well have slept on my office floor. It would have made more sense.

 

I kinda feel like I have hit the wall, so to speak.

My heart breaks for Macy who's home alone 15 hours a day right now. My son was in and out yesterday but reports that she doesn't come out from under my bed all day.

I come home just to take a shower and crawl into bed. She lays on me and purs. I am punchy and emotional and all I can say to her is `I'm so sorry'

She doesn't understand and keeps looking for her friend.

 

My only solace for leaving cats alone as much as I do is that they had each other. I've always been critical of people who had pets and didn't have time for them.

At least I am not spending the weekends with S now.

 

S was on my mind last night. I hate that I know his schedule and I would rather forget. Outside of being gone for almost 3 weeks, I know he was home last night and leaves

again tomorrow. I have appreciated the fact he was out of the country since we broke up. Obviously it helped me detach easier. Oh well.

 

I leave next Wed for the rest of the week for a girls road trip to a spa and little beach town for 3 days. I will have earned it by then.

Unfortunately Macy will be alone. I might have to consider boarding her at some point? I don't know what's worse.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11396[/ATTACH]

[WithLove]

Your son can't take care of her while you're away? She's so cute! Have you thought about getting her another friend?

[reinventmyself]

My son is home less than I am.

I've mulled around the idea of a friend but I would only consider a mature cat her age or I'll forever be rotating in kitten to keep a cat company. A mature cat is risky because you don't know what you're getting.

I may consider going by a shelter near me thats nice where the cats room around freely in rooms. You can hang out with them and get a sense of who they are.

 

Just not now. It's too soon. Besides I need to give Macy a chance and see if she adjusts. Me too

[notalady]

Hugs for you and Macy.. she's adorable

[reinventmyself]

It occurred to me yesterday and I don't know why I didn't catch it before. If anyone recalls S's previous melt down that ended the relationship the first time- where he thought I should have known to initiate sex (in the middle of the afternoon, on 4th of July while we were getting ready to meet up with my friends) We ended up sitting at home while he stone walled me for 6 hours insisting that I didn't desire him (?)

He broke up with me after that.

 

I can add that to the list of the other 3 times he derailed any plans with my friends.

I hadn't put two and two together for that one. . but it's on my list and it's not a pretty picture

 

2 - the first time where we no sooner met up with my friends and he wanted to leave, insisting (people he's never met) that Dale was upset that his gf's ex was there. (far from true) It didn't make sense. But a lot of S's tantrums didn't make sense.

 

3 - the time I asked him previously if he was interested in meeting up with my friends and listening to live music. He no sooner got to my house and said he wasn't in the mood. I was dressed to go, with heels on. I let him derail with plans with a movie instead. While changing my shoes into flats he made and insecure remark that I would wear them to go with my friend but not with him.

 

4 - L's bday where he tried his hardest to get a rise out of me insinuating that I was dressing to get attention from other men, the odd comment about Carl and the equally strange comment that seemed made up about me knowing members in the band? Then going to sleep pouting about it all.

 

. .Just needed to put that in writing so it's more apparent.

[reinventmyself]

I mentioned recently my high school sweetheart fb requested me. We were together for 2 years and it’s a relationship that imprinted me for years. I was selfless and voiceless and he was controlling. Through therapy I learned that my attraction for controlling men is my way of seeking the parenting I didn’t receive. He came from a dysfunctional family and the two of us were the perfect storm.

He was my first along a list of controlling men I have attracted or have been attracted to.

 

Unfortunately (or fortunately) in parent/child relationships, the child often grows up. I had a job my senior year in HS and new friends and outgrew him and his ways. He didn’t handle it well is an understatement. He acted out a dozen different ways and stalked me. He tried to take his life and ended up committed on a 5150.

 

During the year apart I dated here and there and having realized that I never gave my virginity to the one I had spent 2 years with haunted me in a way. I would have a few dates and felt the sexual tension from men I hardly knew and yet I never went all the way with my high school sweetheart.

 

One year later I foolishly contacted him. I suppose I never really stopped loving him and couldn’t stop thinking of him. It was selfish thing to do because after I became pregnant and terminated the pregnancy, it became very real for me that the two of us were not meant to be together. I left again.

 

I gave my virginity to him and after being intimate maybe 3 more times, I got pregnant. He took me to the clinic to terminate it. There was never, ever a question as to whether we could keep it. For that matter no one knew we were spending time together. I am not sure how I did it. I felt so numb and out of touch. So much drama had happened, our parents would have come undone with the knowledge. I never spoke to him again after that day. It was just before my 19th birthday.

 

So here he is. My FB friend of all things. I don’t want to read anything into it but it is making me relive my teenage years and everything I went through. His profile sits like the giant elephant in the room. Am I supposed to do anything with it?

 

So the other day he `like’s' recent posting of mine. I feels like he’s dipping a toe in the water to stir it a bit. Part of me wants to communicate with him. (not interested in anything romantic, just to be clear) Another part of me wants to delete him. So. . for now . . .it just sits.

[katrina1980]

reinventmyself, I haven't read this entire journal just the last few pages, but wanted to chime in to give you ((BIG hugs)).... you have helped me out so much this past year and given me some great advice and feedback... both in PMs and on the forum, which I have so much appreciated.

 

I wish I could return the favor as it appears you're still struggling a bit ... but doing OKAY.

 

Breakups are always difficult; I went through a horrendous b/up back in late 2015 (before I joined this forum); we were together six years, engaged. I can only offer you what I learned through that experience, time heals.

 

Re your HS sweetheart, no decision needs to be made now. Let it marinate for awhile, often times the answers come to us when we stop focusing on it and when we least expect it.

 

That is how it is for me anyway; suddenly out of nowhere, the answer becomes so clear. Best to wait for that moment.

[Sportster2005]

It's almost impossible to interpret social media. It leads to a lot of mind reading. I take the position if they are interested then they have to step up.

 

Why do you want to communicate with him? What would you talk about? Yes, rhetorical. Just something to ponder.

[reinventmyself]

For now. . . Nothing needs to said. Besides, I need to limit exposure to drama.

Ready to wrap up April and put it behind me.

[WithLove]

How come you wanted to associate with him again after everything you went through when you were younger?

[Sportster2005]

For now. . . Nothing needs to said. Besides, I need to limit exposure to drama.

Ready to wrap up April and put it behind me.

 

Good plan. It was a horrible month for you

[reinventmyself]

This is the third weekend since my break up and I am doing pretty good. I do still wake up with a sense of free falling or loss. I am used to waking up with S on weekends.

But all in all I am busy.

One of my friends had a dinner party last night and today I am getting ready to play 18 holes of golf. I haven't golfed much this year and I am waaayyy behind.

The weather is amazing and it will be good to be out the girls all day.

 

I have to keep taking notice that life is fuller in a lot ways, single.

 

My son gets off probation in 8 days. He's been here for over a year. I don't know his plan other than he would stay through probation.

Whether he'll continue to stay and for how long is a mystery. He and his gf are having issues so that plays a part in it as well.

He has a huge one year all day written and practical exam next week and drama with gf is frustrating and bad timing.

But as a mother of a 30 year old man, I need to hold my tongue and let him figure it out. He ought to be studying but he's running back and forth to her house trying

to resuscitate a flailing relationship with a high maintenance young lady

 

Though we don't see each other daily, just the presence of someone else living here is noticeable.

 

I was naïve the last time he moved out after a similar situation that it wouldn't affect me, but it did.

Just the timing of loss of S and Xena . . and now possibly my son moving out will be a bit much.

 

I do notice I am a lot stronger than I used to be. . But often caught off guard when I least expect it.

Just wrapping my head around it some so I am better prepared.

[WithLove]

Does your son work at all? Idk.... at about 23-24, I hit that age where I was doing everything I could to get out of Mom's place, even though she never charged me for rent or bills. I just really wanted that independence. Then, when I moved out of my first solo apartment, it was into my dad's place and it was only for like a month and a half.

[reinventmyself]

Does your son work at all? Idk.... at about 23-24, I hit that age where I was doing everything I could to get out of Mom's place, even though she never charged me for rent or bills. I just really wanted that independence. Then, when I moved out of my first solo apartment, it was into my dad's place and it was only for like a month and a half.

He moved home to enter into a fire academy and is about to complete his probation. So yes, he's working, studying and testing- in excess.

[reinventmyself]

Can't put my finger on it, but I am having a unusually difficult day. Anxious, preoccupied, down.

 

I don't need to figure it out. . I guess I have enough reasons to pick from.

 

I have to work over 13 hours today. That certainly doesn't help ;(

[Batya33]

Can't put my finger on it, but I am having a unusually difficult day. Anxious, preoccupied, down.

 

I don't need to figure it out. . I guess I have enough reasons to pick from.

 

I have to work over 13 hours today. That certainly doesn't help ;(

 

FWIW I had that same experience -can't put my finger on it -this morning and chalked it up to the rainy weather and did my best to just move along and not ruminate. Things improved on their own (in my case I also think it had to do with feeling internally sluggish from the wrong food choices!).

[IAmFCA]

FWIW I had that same experience -can't put my finger on it -this morning and chalked it up to the rainy weather and did my best to just move along and not ruminate. Things improved on their own (in my case I also think it had to do with feeling internally sluggish from the wrong food choices!).

 

I came home early and fell asleep before 5. Can't seem to do anything. Just recovering a smidgeon of energy now. Food choices, and I don't know what else.

[reinventmyself]

Maybe it's the alignment of the stars.

 

I went into an area of construction on one of the floors of our building.

No workers were there, but I am pretty much guaranteed privacy and no one can find me.

 

I think I just needed to cry. I tried. . didn't do very well at that either.

 

I miss S. . well, the good parts at least. Or - mostly frustrated at the little return for my investment.

Maybe I just miss belonging to someone. That someone cares.

 

I miss my cat. She belonged to me.

 

I'll chalk this up to waking up on the wrong side of the bed kinda day

[Batya33]

Hoping tomorrow is much better!

[Sportster2005]

Maybe it's the alignment of the stars.

 

I went into an area of construction on one of the floors of our building.

No workers were there, but I am pretty much guaranteed privacy and no one can find me.

 

I think I just needed to cry. I tried. . didn't do very well at that either.

 

I miss S. . well, the good parts at least. Or - mostly frustrated at the little return for my investment.

Maybe I just miss belonging to someone. That someone cares.

 

I miss my cat. She belonged to me.

 

I'll chalk this up to waking up on the wrong side of the bed kinda day

 

Given recent misfortunes I think it's perfectly normal what you are feeling. You're grieving two big losses. Take time, and be good to yourself. Can you spoil yourself some way? Just get a little reprieve.

[IAmFCA]

Maybe it's the alignment of the stars.

 

I went into an area of construction on one of the floors of our building.

No workers were there, but I am pretty much guaranteed privacy and no one can find me.

 

I think I just needed to cry. I tried. . didn't do very well at that either.

 

I miss S. . well, the good parts at least. Or - mostly frustrated at the little return for my investment.

Maybe I just miss belonging to someone. That someone cares.

 

I miss my cat. She belonged to me.

 

I'll chalk this up to waking up on the wrong side of the bed kinda day

 

It's been a long time since I've had times like that, and I remember wanting to cry, to express myself, to release some sort of overflow valve and get the mysterious weight inside of me out, get the darkness out, just get it all out. And I would cry and it would be such a half baked effort.

 

One time, in a parking lot, it hit and I sobbed for like, an hour. Two hours late to work. Just sobbed, talked, sobbed. Another time, i was passing under this tree near home. It hit then. Two really great exorcisms of old baggage releasing itself from within me. Little releases before and after. Those two were biggies.

 

It's all gone now. I am grateful I can say the good stuff remains. I didn't forget.

 

((()))

[WithLove]

How's it going?

[reinventmyself]

How's it going?

I'm on a girls trip.

Good timing, well deserved.

[WithLove]

Hooray!!! I hope you have a great time! Relax, drink wine, buy something cute and silly and fun!