Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

Yeah, no need to panic for sure. Easier said than done though.

 

I'm super annoyed with M. He just went completely MIA tonight. I have no idea what he's up to, it's past midnight. I mean, it's fine, I have a friend in town, we weren't going to hangout anyways. But would be nice if he had been better to me after knowing I felt bad last night. Now what is he doing out/MIA after 12am on a Thursday night? I asked him to be nice to me today and he decides to go completely MIA? UGH.

[justagirl2]

So his phone had died. He was out with his 60 year old mentor. He called me from his phone all worried that his phone was out of service. All is good. Just going to chill more and trust him.

 

I'm really excited with work. Things have been going very well.

 

Anxiety has decreased in general terms. Having a lot of fun with my friend.

[Batya33]

Does he know your number so he can call you from someone else's phone?

[justagirl2]

He called me from D's phone. D is the guy who works with him. It was legit just an awful day at work gone wrong and they went drinking together to make up and his phone ran out of battery. He came over after to hangout for a bit and charge his phone because they were right by my place.

[Batya33]

I think it's odd that you asked him to be "nice" to you today since you've written here many times that he treats you like a princess. I think his phone died, I think he was stressed and I think he was rebelling a teensy weensy bit about your demand that he be "nice". Now you know for the future that if you don't hear from him at the typical time he might be stressed and out drinking. I do think if he promises to call or come by by a certain time he should be reliable even if he chooses to drink.

[justagirl2]

Well it was because of the sex thing the night before. I got insecure and half jokingly asked for him to be extra nice the next day. So the next day he went MIA after 4pm or so which upset me. His phone went out of battery during drinks. He then called me from the co-workers' phone.

 

He was very apologetic this morning for getting drunk last night. He thanked me so much for being really good and supportive of him and know that a lot of times he is not the easiest and he really appreciates me. I mean, he's not that tough at all. He does treat me amazingly well. I guess he felt guilty about over drinking. We are really good though. We really bonded last night when he opened up about his work troubles and this morning seemed very appreciative of me.

 

"Ok. Thank you baby for being so good to me. You're amazing."

 

I said: "Come on M there is no need to thank me. I'm your gf - it's part the job "

 

He said: "Well thanks anyways. I know it's not always easy. I really appreciate you. You were the one person I wanted to be with last night after what happened."

 

He is very nice to me and honestly sometimes I get over stressed about things.

[BigKK]

I'm surprised you got so insecure if he didn't orgasm. I mean it happened to me, and I assumed my girlfriend would get insecure but she didn't. I can tell you I am perfectly healthy and very attracted to my girlfriend and sometimes it happens. Sometimes she doesn't orgasm, sometimes I don't... but you gotta make sure that the "orgasm" isn't the only you're going after. Simply sharing that intimate time together should be special enough!

 

Hopefully you can shake it off... I had to have a talk about this with my girlfriend early on. There was a time I didn't orgasm, and thought she'd be crushed but she was on the same page. Sometimes I get mine, sometimes she gets hers, usually we both do...but we're ecstatic just enjoying each other...and when you're not focused on an orgasm and just exploring each other... interesting things can happen, rather than this mentality of "okay, we're having sex, let me figure out how to make her orgasm"

[justagirl2]

BigKK - thank you for your post. I did get insecure then realized it was normal. Still, it's really good to get a guy's perspective.

 

Today was really good but also a little bad. M was still upset over the drama at work and disappointed in himself for drinking too much. He was in one of his broody moods. We had dinner w/ his brother, cousin and fiances and he wasn't being that social. He then told me that all he wanted was to relax at home with just me, cuddle and watch a movie. So we did that and it was really nice.

 

I get worried about him getting down sometimes - but it's nothing too extreme. He doesn't lose his temper, he's super sweet to me and wants me around more than ever. He is just sensitive and needs a day to brood after a disappointment. Also, all my friends around our age that drinks too much one night, has a very down hungover feeling the next morning. I have friends that go out hard on Saturday and can't seem to get out of bed on Sunday. It's obviously not a good idea for M to drink much when he's upset.

 

I really like him though. I really don't mind being with him and helping him relax when he's feeling down.

 

I wonder if he will do the same thing to me when I need it. Granted I am incredibly low maintenance even if sometimes I sound dramatic on ENA at times - I'm just not the type to brood at all. When I brood, I write it on my journal and put a smile on my face and actually feel ok. M can't do that. if he's sad, he can't hide it. I don't like putting that burden on others. I prefer to always remain positive. Still, in the rare case I'm feeling very down, I hope M also looks out for me and keep me company.

[missmarple]

Are you sure you can handle his moodiness? I'm only saying this because I had a bf like that and after the first 6 months it became too much for me and it was the reason I eventually left him.

[Batya33]

It depends on the degree -if he gets moody often and reacts by drinking then that can get to be a problem in more ways than one. I also think you can be supportive by not indulging his moodiness so he doesn't get as much positive reinforcement for it. Obviously it's no big deal if you don't have special plans and he wants to stay in because he's moody/down but perhaps less coddling/indulging might motivate him to choose to put on that smile like you do. And definitely don't break your plans just because he moody/needy unless it's very serious/urgent.

[notalady]

Are you sure you can handle his moodiness? I'm only saying this because I had a bf like that and after the first 6 months it became too much for me and it was the reason I eventually left him.

 

I had the same problem with my ex. His moodiness/negativity really brought me down and I couldn't handle it.

[Supernova1607309611]

I read thru your journal and my impression is that you are trying way too hard to prove to each other that 'you're the one' when this is really a brand new relationship at barely 4 months along. This should be the light and easy dating phase and NOT so much focus on 'future talk' and expectations when you have no clue who this person REALLY is until you've dated him a couple years and seen him over time and in lots of different circumstances.

 

And the fact that you get upset if you have one slightly dull evening between the sheets (when that is a NORMAL occurrence and will happen a LOT over a lifetime) shows that you are setting your expectations really high and if the romance doesn't achieve that level you crash into the depths and go into worrying and feeling the need to be comforted when it was just ONE NIGHT where the two of you weren't in a romantic frenzy.

 

He seems overly obsessed with work, and his last relationship failed due to that and his focus on that. And he seems in a rush to ensconce you in a house in the suburbs BUT what happens to a lot of women who marry high powered men in high powered jobs is they rarely see their husbands because they are in the city late (and eventually get an apt. there or start staying in hotels when they work late). Meanwhile the wife is left alone to deal with the house, kids, and being alone a lot of the time while the ambitious man chases fame and fortune. So i wouldn't rush into that scenario if i were you!

 

I think you need to slow way down and just try to enjoy these early dating stages and see where it leads. And definitely do NOT mingle your finances with him buying a house until you are engaged and really sure that this will be a permanent relationship, because it is much harder to get out of a house short of a partition lawsuit if it is jointly owned and one or the other decides they want out. You can't evict him, and he could easily start bringing other women home to a house you share because legally he owns it too. This board if full of cases where that happen, where people move in too soon and buy a house together before marriage, then they are stuck with an allbatross around their necks and can't get out of that situation and get rid of the house quickly so are miserable until they can sell or talk their ex into selling.

 

So take your time, enjoy, and don't treat him like he's your husband when you have no clue whether that will work out right or not. He seems to have some significant issues surriounding work, and he may need to learn how to balance that. And if you buy a big house in the suburbs, then that is MORE pressure for you both to achieve and keep 'big' jobs to pay for it. And now that you've got a new permanent and 9-6 job, you suddenly will have a big commute stack onto that if you leave the city and will both be tired with even less time for each other.

 

So relax, take your time, and make no financial commitments until you are sure this is not just a passing fancy that will burn out, or that he's such a bad/obsessive workaholic that once the intial thrill is gone, all the does is work and it ends in the same manner as his last relationship because he is neglecting you.

 

If you are going to move in with him, it is a much better idea to move into his apartment and not tangle your finances with him, because if it doesn't work out, you can just pick up and leave any time without being trapped until you sell, or stuck in a lease with him.

 

I can sense thru all your posts you are really craving settling down and stability and a marriage/family, BUT it pays to take a couple years to figure out that you've got the RIGHT man and there is absolutely no way of knowing that after only 4 months. You said he was really depressed when you met him, and that could be his 'normal' state that your new love hormones lifted him out of temporarily, and he could go right back into that when the newness wears off, or right back into the rampant workaholism/depression that killed his last relationship. I'm not saying at all it will end up that way, but i am saying you need to relax, take your time, enjoy it, AND keep your wits about you and don't idolize him so early on because you don't know him all that well. That takes time, and there is no big rush and it makes more sense to let this play out longer before forcing the expectation that it will turn out OK just because you are so excited in the beginning, excited about him AND excited about the idea of getting married and settling down. EVERYONE is excited in the beginning, but time will prove it out (or not).

[Supernova1607309611]

And this: 'It was legit just an awful day at work gone wrong and they went drinking together to make up and his phone ran out of battery.'

 

He could have called you before he left the office. And is this a pattern where he spends a lot of time out drinking with his co-workers after work, or drinking in general? He seems to use work a LOT to cover a lot of excuses, from having a frat boy party with 100 people at his place (which most people do not do for business) to going MIA without contacting you first, to reasons why women are texting him on his phone after drinks etc.

 

So keep your wits about you and watch the overall pattern. There seems to be a LOT of overworking and drinking that he blames on the need to socialize with co-workers. I've had high power jobs before, and most of that business is done over lunches, or by people who stay at the office and order food in while they're working (but not drinking), or a very quick drink where they have one drink and are home no later than 6 or 7 at night (and only once in a while). Very young people (early 20s) do the happy hour thing all the time, but people in settled relationships mostly go home, and because there are computers and phones these days, they leave work and take any overflow work home with them and log on at home rather than staying out in bars etc. Plenty of alcoholics use the 'i need to work and drink with my boss' thing as an excuse. So watch his pattern and take heed. there may be other issues like a drinking problem in play here (or not), but time will tell.

 

and this: 'It was legit just an awful day at work gone wrong and they went drinking together to make up ' When I have an awful day at work that goes wrong, i go home, relax, and get a good night's sleep so that i can have a better day the next day rather than getting drunk. Drinking is not the solution or a good coping strategy for anything, and a hangover the next day will not put your best foot forward at work. You say they 'forced' him to resign at his last job but you only have his interpretation as to what happened there to cause that job to end. I think you need to be cautious here and take your time to see what is really going on with him and what his patterns are over the long haul. He could follow the same arc at this job as he did at his last. If he is going out drinking with co-workers (or anyone) more than a couple or 3 times a month at his age, that might be a red flag that he's got some issues with both managing his life/job and with drinking, which can lead to bad performance at work and losing of jobs.

 

I also encourage people to be very cautious when they encounter this trifecta: drinking/drugs plus either no job or workaholic plus disappearing evenings/out all the time/mysterious texts in the evening. Something not good is usually going on when that crops up and most likely the person is not who you think they are but covering up a bunch of issues.

[sophie274]

Wow, I think people are being a little harsh.

 

First, I don't agree that he went MIA. He and justa were not supposed to see each other that night, and didn't have any set time to talk. I don't think he has to be on a digital leash where he must text her every few hours. Sh heard from him at 4, and then he contacted her again around midnight. I don't find that troubling whatsoever if they did not have plans to get together or talk.

 

Secondly, I think most people's mood fluctuates, and it's normal to be sad or down sometimes ... as long as you don't take it out on the person you're with, don't make life revolve around your moods, and basically don't create a situation where your partner is on eggshells trying to get your mood and how you'll react. So far, it doesn't seem like he's been that way. One of the downsides of seeing someone every night, often late at night to sleep together, is that you will see them in all sorts of moods. It's easier to be constantly cheery when you just have two date nights a week. As long as he makes an effort to be good company and doesn't make justa pay for his moods, I think him being a bit subdued is quite normal.

 

I don't remember him having a lot of late night drinking? Unless I've missed something

 

I do agree with Supernova about you trying to rush things, and it does sometimes seem that you're just itching to find the one and be able to say you've found him and are settled. Not always, but your emphasis on him being perfect does make it seem like you are rushing to catch up to your friends or your own timeline. You have so much time.

[missmarple]

Just to clarify..the reason I asked if she can handle his moodiness and what reminded me of my ex bf was that I had said the exact same things she did (except it was to a friend of mine, not in a forum)...that we're very different in that I try to stay positive and he's the type who can't hide his sadness/upset/any bad mood he's in. She really reminded me of myself.

[justagirl2]

I think everyone make good points here. Yes, I do think people are being a little harsh but honestly, if anybody would post details about their relationship I'm sure there would be something to nitpick about everyone and every relationship. Nobody is perfect.

 

M is most def. NOT an alcoholic. My mom was an alcoholic and I can smell them a mile away. He drinks socially at best, and I've seen him get very drunk maybe 2-3 times. He drinks the same if not less than every guy I've dated. He def. drinks less than every guy I met in business school. He can go weeks without drinking. He also doesn't get aggressive or crazy when drunk at all. I have zero worries about M having any other serious mental issue other than a little bit of depression. I lived with mental illness, that is one thing I can judge well.

 

He was also not depressed during his relationship with his ex. In fact I talked to his brother a bit about it. His brother was the one quite depressed for a while, he always felt quite overshadowed by M. M helped his brother a lot. M had never been depressed before that. Then after his break-up and quitting the hedge fund his life crumbled a bit. At the same time, his brother's life was getting very in order. He's now engaged to marry an amazing and successful fashion designer (they've been dating for 1.5 years and moved in after 3 months together) so I do think this plays a part. They are very close in age and have always kind of had this comparison going on. One went to Harvard, the other went to Princeton. One went to the best business school, the other went to the best law school. M is the older brother and the more attractive brother so his younger brother has always been the most affected by this. Then, all of a sudden M sees his younger brother buying a house and getting engaged while his relationship and career starts to change. But I know for a fact this is when he got depressed as M has told me and his younger brother briefly mentioned the timeline of when he got depressed too.

 

Anyways, do I think I might get tired of M's moodiness? Yeah, sure. But maybe not. My ex, T, had depression/anxiety issues too and just never spoke to me about it. I felt completely emotionally disconnected from him because he wouldn't share his problems with me at all. I like how M talks to me about it and I know exactly what he feels and why he feels this way. It scares me much less than just not knowing what's wrong with my boyfriend. But, to imply he's an alcoholic is a bit much. I would never date someone who is seriously mentally unstable - that is the number one red flag for me. However, if I also decided not to date people who had a period of depression or moments of moodiness then my dating pool would be severely restricted. Because which millennial doesn't reallt suffer from a bit of anxiety or depression these days?

 

Do I think M and I are moving too fast? Honestly, not at all. We haven't even said "I love you" yet. We *might* move in together in July which will be after exactly 1 year of dating. And at first we would definitely be renting. Do we discuss our plans at times? Of course. It's fun. We are 27 and 30. We are not teenagers anymore. But, we haven't even said I love you yet. I would not move in together before 1 year and I would definitely not get engaged before closer to 2 years. Marriage for me would be ideal between years 2.5-3. We are not really rushing into anything really?

 

I might as well realize in June that his moodiness is too much or whatever it might be and we might end things. He might realize he's not that into me anymore. Who knows. We do like each other a lot and have a very special relationship otherwise. We enjoy spending time together that's why we sleep together almost every night. But, we really are far from rushing into any type of serious commitment.

[Batya33]

It all sounds good. To me getting very drunk 2-3 times in only 3-4 months would be too often but if he doesn't get very drunk for another 5-6 months then obviously this was just a bad patch. Again JMHO.

[Supernova1607309611]

>>But, to imply he's an alcoholic is a bit much.

 

I'm basing my opinion on the number of times you've mentioned him and drinking in this thread, i.e., that he shouldn't drink when he's depressed, drinking with his female co-worker from work, that he had a drunken frat type party with 100 people he was scared would trash his place, that he lost/resigned his job, lost his GF, got stressed and went drinking with his boss on a day when you asked him specifically to be nice to you. I'm not saying he's an alcoholic, but you mentioned how moody and depressed he gets and drinking also seems to be woven thru a lot of your posts about him.

 

I'm telling you that you need to take your time and be cautious (about anyone) because you are talking about moving in with a guy you've barely dated 4 months and how he may be 'the one' etc. when people can hide lots of problems pretty well in the beginning. And he seems to alternate between extremely high expectations (i.e., that he wanted to be president) and moodiness/pouting about his job because it's not a big enough for him. He's only 30 and he's acting disappointed in his career when frankly that is young and he has another 35 years to work and make more of himself, so i think there may be some issues there he needs to deal with before he's really going to be a good partner to anyone. Will he do the same thing to you if your marriage doesn't live up to his high expectations, pout and be depressed and critical about it and 'resign' your marriage if it doesn't live up to his expectations? You need to be with him for a couple years to figure out if that critical nature/moodiness is something he is going to apply to himself and his job or to you as well.

 

So I didn't tell you to stop dating him or that he's an alcoholic, but I do think you really need to slow down and really get to the bottom of the moodiness and get to know him a lot better before you consider moving in with him, sharing finances with him, or marrying him.

[justagirl2]

I def. think M has to adjust his expectations about his career. I've posted about this. His problem is that he peaked SO young. He sold his first company for millions at only 20 years old. Now he's 30 and feels like he should be doing so much more when he's doing much more already than what other 30 year olds are doing. He needs to adjust his expectations ASAP.

 

He 'lost' his girlfriend? Well, then we ALL at ENA are alcoholics, because haven't we all lost our SO's here? M dated this girl for 5 years, come on, the relationship just didn't work. And he lost his job? Well, try working at one of the most ruthless hedge funds in the world.

 

Some reviews that are OPEN in the internet:

 

"Narcissism runs rampant. Meetings are so weird where people tell the "truth" about each other. People basically telling you what's wrong with you in an abusive way. It's like group therapy with a very sick therapist. Cameras follow you everywhere, meetings and conversations are recorded. Might as well live in Soviet Russia. Very, very weird place. I'd say close to a cult. This is a place where people come to score a lot of money and then leave as quickly as they can."

 

"really high turnover - as my friend said, "it's hard to get the meaningful relationships part of the 'meaningful work/meaningful relationships' tagline they use if they keep firing all my friends."

 

"Expect arrogant leadership, no job security, no appreciation, an aggressive non-compete, and complete lack of regard for your wellbeing and happiness (forget work/life balance)."

 

"Drop down and taste the soup... The firm's ridiculous turnover rate isn't reflective of how selective/great the place is, it's reflective of how unbearable/miserable it has become. Have you taken any time thinking about that? Or is it being treated with typical ego reaction/denial.."

 

 

I mean, M was there for 4 years. 1/4 of the people leave before the 6th month.

[justagirl2]

I do agree that there's no need to rush though. Like I said, I don't plan on moving in together in the near future. Maybe in July. And it's only renting, it's not going to be buying anything permanent with anyone. I'm not sure I agree that 1 year of dating is early to move in together. I know people who moved in after only 3 months of dating and are very happily married.

 

Can I just ask that we stop implying that M is an alcoholic though? I find that a tad disrespectful. I will come here and post if things with alcohol ever get out of hand but this is a very sensitive topic to me and it makes me uncomfortable. M is a hard working guy who is head of a non profit and an amazing health care start-up (providing affordable health care insurance). He is trying to do great things and improve society. He's not an alcoholic.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's too early to share physical space after a year of dating. You just have to make sure you're on the same page about what that means and does not mean.

 

I never implied that he is an alcoholic. I do think getting very drunk more than once a month is a concern. Hopefully he won't continue that pattern or choose alcohol as a way to relieve stress.

[notalady]

I think supernova made some good points about slowing down and really assessing what's the extent of M's moodiness. I think it's suffice to say he takes things seriously and that's a double edged sword.

 

I don't agree that he could be alcoholic though. Some industries have more of a drinking culture than others, and some countries have more of a drinking culture than others. Drinking a few times a month is certainly no alcoholic. I dare say even a couple of times a week is not alcoholic. Though I'd say getting absolutely smashed and not able to control the amount he's drinking on that regular basis would be a problem. How drunk does he get?

 

For the record drinking culture is huge in Australia. Socialising often involves drinking. For me it's a social thing and I don't drink at home. But most people I know (more often male) go home and have a beer/wine or two per day, which is considered normal and not harmful when we go through health assessments. So it's all about perspective. Just because it's more common at some places than others, does mean you're an alcoholic in one place and not the other. It's all about whether he can exercise self-control.

[Supernova1607309611]

If you have issues in your past with alcoholics and genuinely think he is not one, then that is fine... i didn't say he was one, but pointed out that there is a pattern here where he obsesses about work and is a workaholic then uses drinking to manage his stress. That can be a slippery slope you need to be aware of, which is what i was trying to point out. Many workaholics who have high expectations and then feel they are failing in their careers slip into alcoholism or drug abuse as a stress relieving mechanism. I have seen that in spades throughout my career, where workaholism/alcoholism are on a seesaw with each other and lead to people's demises (i.e., they get burned out by working too much/obsessing about work, then start drinking at night to sleep and relieve the stress, then over time start a downward spiral because the work stresses them and leads them to drink to try to relieve the stress, then the drinking cause their work to slide, and the spiral continues). So I am not saying he's an alcoholic, but saying based on your posts that you need to be aware that drinking a lot really isn't a social necessity for someone who is runinng a non-profit healthcare company (i.e., not part of that business culture) but a choice that he makes to go out after work to relieve stress rather than do business.

 

And all children/relatives of alcoholics need to be very careful in their choices. We tend to choose people who have personality characteristics we are familiar with based on our family of origin, and workaholism surrounds the exact same personality traits that alcoholism does, where the obsession is work rather than drinking (or on a seesaw with it). So you don't want to trade alcoholism for workaholism in your relationship choices. I would not marry this man unless you see his mood and the workaholism under control. You might actually help him a lot by insisting he go into therapy with you to control the moodiness and obsession with work such that you can have a normal family life with him rather than watch him descend into workaholism and losing him to that.

 

You say he is not like your father, however, he's a lot younger than your father was when you knew him, and people who are workaholics/driven usually worsen with age, as the more they feel they are not achieving their ambitions, the more they spiral out of control into workaholism/alcoholism. Here is what you said about your father: 'That is because my dad is just way too heavy and stressed. I cannot spend 1 week with my dad because he is just so heavy. We go on vacations with him, and it's a stress because everything sets him off and he can't disconnect from work.'

 

Now go back and read your threads about how your BF is behaving. Exact same inability to disconnect his mind from his job. You may be repeating a negative pattern here where this guy is not as bad as your father, but he is also not as old as your father and there is usually a worsening arc for both workaholics and alcoholics. You may be choosing a 'nicer' version of your father whether you think you are or not. So that is why i suggest you make sure you get some counseling with him before marriage and know that he has the workaholism/work obsession under control before you marry him such that you will have a nice family life rather than spending your life with a moody man who cares more about work than he does about you and your family. If he can't get that into perspective, you won't be happy. Doesn't matter how much money he makes or what Ivy League school he went to, if he's moody and an out of control workaholic, your life with him will be a repeat of your experience with your father. So there are hooks there that attract you to him, but those same hooks over time can lock you into a repeat pattern where you won't find the happiness you think you will. So make sure that is resolved before you marry him, and that you are sure that he will get this moodiness/success obsession under control.

[Batya33]

In my career drinking is a huge form of socializing. I can maybe drink a half glass of wine so I would do that or order seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist of lime so it looked like a drink. No reason to drink alcohol in any culture if that's not what you feel like doing. I get the whole "let's do shots" thing and how it's harder for men to say no in those situations but I think there are many ways around it.

 

My comments were in response to M getting "very drunk" about once a month since she met him, not whether he goes out for a drink a few times a week with clients or friends.

[justagirl2]

Supernova - I would definitely agree that workaholism gets worse with age. My mom always say that my dad was A LOT different when she married him. But then again, she was a piece of work. Borderline, addicted to alcohol and drugs. No wonder my dad got worse when he had to take care of her crazy mess, control his company and raise 2 daughters. It's easy for her to say he was much calmer and stress free. Of course, you hadn't put him through hell by then. My dad was a hero. Honestly, it's easy to understand why he's the way he is. He had to be always uptight and on the edge to make sure my sister and I survived with such an out of control mother. I would never judge my dad. He did the best he can with the really tough cards he was dealt with. I don't want to marry someone like my father, but then again, I'm not going to be like my mother. We have no idea what he would be like today if he hadn't gone through such a traumatic marriage to an insane, manipulative borderline wife. I'm not saying my mom is an awful person, but borderline people are sick people who are really, really, really hard to deal with. They manipulate, they want to destroy those who love them the most - and in her case that hate was directed to my dad who stick by her mess for almost 20 years and still takes care of her to this day. Just a small collection with what my dad has had to deal with: my mom bringing drug dealers in the house with his first born 5 year old. My mom abusing alcohol, cocaine and prescription medicine while pregnant with my baby sister. My mom doing cocaine in front of his 7 year old daughter. My mom verbally and physically abusing him. My mom cutting all of his REALLY important business documents into SHREDS. My mom burning his clothes. My mom spending THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of HIS earned money in drugs. I mean, apartments worth of dollars in drugs. My mom spending uncontrollable amounts of money with jewelry, handbags, luxury clothing. My mom threatening to kill him and his family. I mean guys, how can we judge this man? I know I freaking can't. Oh also, just this summer my mom had a relapse after years being relatively stable and she threatened to have her 'boyfriend' at the time, a drug dealer, to kill my father again. My father, my now 19 year old sister and my stepmom had to flee their homes and stay in a hotel for 1 week while they tried to get the situation under control and finally put my mom in rehab. So yeah, easy for her to say: "But when I married your dad he was such a calmer person". Oh, you bet he was, right? Her anger towards my father is because he doesn't want to give her HIS money for her to buy drugs and finance drug dealers. That's what makes him such a monster in her eyes. Really? He bought her the most expensive waterfront condo in the city - mind you he lives in a MUCH inferior home. He gives you everything you could dream of needing. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT? She knows that when she's controlled, but when she goes off the rails he becomes the devil on wheels because he won't give her money to finance her freaking addiction.

 

With that said, even then M has very different personality traits. M is 100x more emotional. M is always hugging his parents and saying how much he loves them. He's always telling his brother how much he loves him. I've NEVER in my life heard my dad say he loves anyone. I've never really seen him being affectionate to anyone really. He's just a lot colder. My boyfriend is super affectionate. He loves puppies, animals, music. My dad just HATES animals. My dad is an amazing person. He loves people with all of his heart - but he shows it through actions and not through words. M is much more vocal and affectionate with his loved ones.

 

As for the whole alcohol issue, well guys, in my life all of my friends and boyfriends drink socially several times a week. I'm the only one who doesn't. I completely agree with Batya that you can just order a diet coke and it doesn't matter much at all. That's what I do and I'm probably the most social person of my group of friends. Yet, I don't know why young people these days think socializing needs to equal drinking. It's just what it's like. If we go out, everyone orders a cocktail. If I go to a friend's house, the first thing they do is offer us wine. I don't know why that is the case. M, in my opinion, drinks LESS than most of the guys I've dated and most of my friends. He doesn't like drinking as much. He makes a conscious effort to not drink at times while most of my friends don't even care or think about how much they are actually drinking. Also, M's father's wife died of alcoholism and M and his father were the ones who found her dad in their home. He is also very aware of the disease and finds it awful. He was the person who called 911 to get help and was the one looking into facilities for his stepmom. He is aware of the damages of alcohol and like me, shares the belief that it's a drug.

 

He's been drunk 2-3 times these past 2-4 months. I find it really normal because that's what I'm used to. My friends are drunks weekly. Heck, I just got snap chats from my childhood best friends of their drunken night and apparently they are all totally hungover this morning. In my country, it's very normal to just drink daily and get hammered once a week. It's just how it is. I do agree 100% with Batya that it's not a necessity though. I don't drink. I have a coke and nobody really bothers me. I just say I'm fine with a coke and change the subject when they try to peer pressure me. I mean, I wasn't peer pressure in high school, I'm not going to be peer pressured now. I was very popular in high school, probably the leader of the pack, and I never, ever drank a sip of alcohol. Nowadays I will have a glass of wine or so but back then it was ZERO. Still, I was super social and very popular. So yes, I call total BS that you need it to socialize too but at the same time I don't think people who use it to socialize are alcoholics. It's just our culture unfortunately. The sad part if that they are trying to do the same with weed now. America is trying to make weed become the new alcohol and it baffles me. Everyone say: "Well, but weed is better than alcohol". We already lost that battle years ago. Alcohol is legally and socially accepted. Theres' nothing we can do about it. It's not a competition of what's worse in my opinion. They are both bad. We already lost the alcohol battle though. I just wish weed doesn't become the new alcohol in a few years. Because then what's next? Cocaine?

 

Anyways, enough with the ranting. I will def. make sure that I can handle M's moodiness/workaholism before I commit to marrying him. As I've said before, we are not rushing into marriage. That will be at least in 2 years or so. I'm not rushing. Also, he does go to therapy weekly, as do I. We both take low daily dosages of anti-depressants for anxiety as well.