Just a journal, by justagirl.

[Batya33]

I am positive about M because for a short dating relationship I think it's going just fine - I don't think there's anything to "believe in" or not - it sounds like a good beginning, like you two are communicating well, like hanging out with each other, have fun together and have chemistry so it's all good. It sounds like you both want to know if there is long term potential which means you're on the same page -also good.

 

I think I agree with Miss Marple about the interactions with the ex co-workers and I think you have to stop looking at the texts -take a deep breath and say with as much class as possible (because you have class!)"thanks for offering to show me but I trust you and I don't want to get in a habit of looking at your phone even though you're offering it". And if you feel moody choose not to react to the moodiness by arguing. I think he seems trustworthy and agree with Miss Marple. I know of situations on both sides where a person inadvertently leads another person on (I've done it, had it done to me, other examples as well) but you are not going to be his Manners Coach here -he has to learn it on his own.

[justagirl2]

Oh I definetly think he has lead people on. But so have I really. M was really heartbroken over his break-up. They were going to get engaged, it was a 5 year relationship, he felt like he failed by not being able to make it work. So I think for the past year and a half he has been insecure/craving female re enforcement. I do think though that when I met him, he was genuinely getting out of his funk and starting to feel happier/more confident.

 

The thing is these blurred line friendships don't just drop out of nowhere when you start dating. He met up with this girl when he was out at a business trip in SF and she's an old friend so I kind of get it. Was it unnecessary? Yeah, probably, but he has to maintain these relationships. To be fair to him for every 1 drink he has with a girl, he has 15 with guys. It's just a nature of his job to network and be social. Also, I believe 100% nothing else happened. The iPhone shows a stream of texts and their last interactions had been in early July - nothing that romantic at all. I think what happened was that M had probably been more flirty with this girl throughout the past year and this time he tried to set boundaries and the girl decided to be aggressive because unavailable people are always more interesting. I don't think she meant any harm just a re-enforcement for her too. She respected the situation once he sent the last text mentioning how he'd only hangout with her again if I was there.

 

Agree about the texts Batya - he shows me them when he gets scared I'm not going to believe him so he just wants to show me he's being honest. I've been very good for the past month or so at not engaging in any of that but yesterday was a weak moment.

[Batya33]

That's fine that you had a weak moment -now you know it needs to be your last. Show him that you don't want to see texts even if he is being "honest" -tell him that's TMI, that you trust him and show him that you are strong and are not his mommy looking over his shoulder at his texts (even if he wants to show you!).

[christwowheels]

I'll have to catch up on the rest of the journal because I only had time to read the first page here but I just want to say, as someone who also struggles with body image issues, that it's okay. Most of the time, we can tell what other people *really* look like but are blinded to what we ourselves look like. Looking at your picture set, I can't tell much of a difference. Most single guys I know would take one look at those pictures and would want to know your phone number, you know? Your boyfriend clearly finds you attractive and doesn't mind if you gain a little because he's offering you a doughnut. So I hope you'll take that to heart....most of the pressures we put on ourselves vis a vis weight and appearance are just that--pressures we put upon ourselves, not pressures that other people put on us.

 

What you need to find is a weight you can maintain and physically feel good--not sluggish or anything, you know? But whether you're 98, 104 or 112, just know that there are many, many women who wish they were in that position and that you're ultimately quite healthy and good looking and a lot of this is in your head. I would focus on being healthy and getting a level of exercise that you can sustain. As for diet soda, it's scientifically proven to suppress your ability to know you're full, so you eat more. I wouldn't trust those artificial sweeteners anyway. A lot of people substitute flavored teas, like Celestial Seasonings, and can get good results from that.

 

Good luck, justagirl. I hope you find the peace we all wish we had.

[justagirl2]

The thing is, I've never really struggled with body image issues. I was always a very skinny kid. I felt bad for my parents because I was always below the curve and their policy at home had to be "whatever she will eat". I was just a very picky eater with a low appetite. Heck, I even had to take a little syrup medication to increase my appetite. It had nothing to do with body issues though, I didn't even think about weight or anything like that. Because I didn't eat at all, my parents couldn't be that strict with food so there was always a lot of junk food at my house - hey whatever I could eat. That's my main problem - I love cheese, bread, pasta, rice, meat, anything sweets... I don't really like veggies. I'm much better now with it, but I still don't eat a lot of veggies.

 

 

 

This was me in high school. I would probably break if someone snapped. But it wasn't enforced at all. I was just skinny and a competitive gymnast.

 

So it wasn't body image issues. I've always been the "skinny" one and my childhood friends all commented that I was looking heavier. Everyone commented. It wasn't anything drastic, just a few pounds here and there every year. It got to a point where I just wasn't happy and honestly, it doesn't take much from me. It's not a lot to ask to just not eat cake two times a day. I've just always ate whatever I wanted and it's just not good for my health.

 

I also believe I have a pretty peaceful, happy life. ENA-ers always say things like: "I hope you find peace" or "You worry too much" but honestly, I'm very happy. I believe this is happiness. Moments of laughter, anxiety, tears, joy, excitement, love. Happiness is not a permanent state. It is moments within your day/week/month/year. I have tons of happy and peaceful moments. I do go through some harder times some months, after a break-up or just when I'm stressed about my career/school, but mostly I'm very happy. I worry quite a bit but I also post about all of my little worries. I don't think I need to find "peace". I know you were trying to be nice and supportive. I'm just saying that I am at peace. For me this is peace. I'm always going to have my little anxieties and worries but overall, I'm thankful and happy for the life I have. It's a pretty good one.

[justagirl2]

So... M wants to move in together. Not tomorrow, but when my lease expires. Yesterday we went to visit his brother at his new house, about 45 mins from the city. He bought a really, really nice house with a lot of space and recently got engaged. They have been dating 1.5 years and moved in together within 6 months of dating.

 

I know I still have some time to decide on this as I still have a few months of my lease left, but it seems like it will come soon enough. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this but at the same time I do feel like it makes sense. M and I currently pay about 10k in rent together (gotta love you, Manhattan). Honestly, this could be money we spend to own an amazing home in the suburbs. We've also been spending every night together so the finance of it all just doesn't seem to make any sense.

 

This is probably something that would happen 6 months from. If we start looking at places though, there won't really be a turning back. Scared. Excited. I have a feeling M and I will be together for a long time, hopefully forever. I honestly just have a strong gut feeling about that. I'm not saying, "OMG, he's the one, love of my life forever". But, I really like him, we are very compatible, our timing is pretty amazing, we have similar values and want the same thing for the future. At the same time I feel like it's kind of crazy to buy a huge house at my age. We'd probably need to own the home at least 5 years for it to financially make sense to sell it. At the same time, I don't want to be throwing 5k/month in the garbage and I do want to get married/have kids in the next 2-5 years.

 

My ex boyfriend wanted to buy an apt and move in together and the thought of it terrified me. It didn't feel right, it didn't feel right at all. This feels so different though. I feel like I've gotten the degrees I wanted to get, I have enough money saved, am starting to have a stable cash flow again. It just feels like... In about 6 months I could be ready to move in with someone. I just think 6 months come so quickly.

[missmarple]

I really don't think you should commit to moving in together, even if it's in a few months from now. I'd tell him that we can talk about it when the time comes.

[Batya33]

Agree with Miss Marple. If there was no financial reason to do this would you? I would not buy anything with him unless you are married. I personally would not move in with anyone unless we were engaged with a wedding date right around the corner even if it was just renting. Here is what I would do to save money. Since you are saying you think he is the one and that this is serious, move outside Manhattan since you don't need to be in the city for the single social life and rent a place that is much cheaper than what you have now -and he can too. Try to choose a neighborhood you think you might want to live in in the future so you can check things out -doesn't need to be a 45 minute commute -I know you can find something even a 15-20 minute commute that is outside Manhattan but much cheaper. That way you save money but maintain your own space. I would not start looking at places until you are ready to get engaged. Again that's just my humble opinion. As far as buying anything or signing a lease if you are not married then invest in an attorney or at least a financial adviser who can inform you of all the financial risks of taking on a lease or buying something with someone you are not married to.

[justagirl2]

I think you are right. It would be around June so there is a lot of time. He texted me asking if I want to go visit houses at the suburb we like on Saturday. He's caught up on the excitement but I know it's best to be rational right now. I mean, I'm very certain we will probably be together by then but there's no point in rushing. Literally no point. I think we could start looking at things in April/May but not now. I'm going to tell him that.

 

This always happens to me. My boyfriends get overly eager too soon. That is why I end up either chasing unavailable men, or breaking up with great boyfriends. I doubt that will be the case here. I really think M will end up being the one but I do have to be upfront about this and say I really do think we could move in together in the near future, I'd rather wait until the time comes before looking/commiting to something. Then I'll give him the timeline of April/May. But then how do I find a place so fast for June when my lease ends?

[justagirl2]

We'd be dating for 1 year by the time the lease ends. I def think that's around the time we would get engaged if we were to stay together. 1-1.5 years for engagement is a good timeline for me. Then 1 more year and marriage around 2-2.5 years of dating.

 

I don't think I could move outside of the city alone. M definitely wouldn't. I guess we just have to carry the financial burden for longer - it's for a good cause.

[Batya33]

I meant you move to the same area but have separate places -that's not "alone". If M doesn't want to then that's his choice of course. I thought you said the lease would end in 6 months - then you would have been dating 9 months at most, right? Of course a year is enough time to get engaged -or less- whatever works for you two. I was talking about sharing physical space before you're engaged and buying property with someone you are not married to.

[justagirl2]

My lease ends in June. But, 3 months before I would need to start looking for a new place because I need to vacate the apartment in June.

[sophie274]

I agree you shouldn't commit to anything now and I wouldn't get wrapped up in "shopping" for places now ... Of course it's fun and exciting but you're talking about something that's almost three times as far away (8 months vs three months) as you've been dating. I just don't think it really makes sense to plan now. Reevaluate how you feel in, say, April. Three months to find a place seems excessive, especially a place to rent, but you know the NY market better than I do.

 

I also wouldn't buy property with someone I wasn't married to, even if I trusted him completely, of the potential big hassle should you go your separate ways.

 

Obviously (lol) I'm not against living together before marriage, and I do think it's not just sharing a physical space, and it's nothing like having a roommate. I just think you have a lot of time before you need to decide, so don't project how you will feel in the future, just wait and see. It's awesome that he's seeing a future with you and you with him!

[justagirl2]

I know what you mean Soph. I think If things keep going well, it's fine to move in in June. But honestly, I'd prefer to 100% rent together before marriage. Even if that means 1 year or so of "losing" money that could otherwise go to a mortgage. I don't think finances is something to take account when deciding about marriage/living together.

 

The only thing I would be comfortable by June is sharing rent. It can be like Batya said - a place we think we might want to buy in the future. Moving in after a year seems very reasonable to me. Renting. I only want to own a house after I'm married. Specially considering I'm not even an American citizen so I can't even imagine the stress of buying before marriage. I mean my father bought property in the US just fine and he doesn't even live in the country, but he is at least 30 years ahead on me professionally.

 

I feel a lot more comfortable about that situation.

 

Honestly I know it's hard to explain, but I kind of know we'll be together for a while? I'm not saying forever, but you kind of know when it feels right and you are at least in a very serious relationship. M and I are traveling abroad together in December and March. We make all of our plans together. He completely integrated me with his family and friends. We get along really, really well. Barring a disaster, I don't really see how we wouldn't be together 8 months from now really. You just kind of know these things. Ironically, what I worry the most is me getting my usual "grass is greener" feeling after 1-2 years together.

[Batya33]

I think you are basing "just knowing" on far too short a time of knowing M. And I think the "grass is greener" problem is just as risky as M deciding he doesn't want to be with you. It sounds like it's progressing nicely but I would not make any long term plans including renting for a year until you've been seriously dating the better part of a year, especially because a big part of it is financial. Make the sacrifice and live outside the city (for the reasons I wrote above) and that way you won't have the financial component and won't consider that as a reason to move in together.

[justagirl2]

I don't mean I "just know" we are going to get married and be happily ever after. I really don't know that at all. I don't think I'll ever know that for sure. All I meant is that I "just know" we are going to be together for a while - as in I don't see us breaking up next week. Of course, everything can happen so maybe that's too strong of a prediction. Batya, you once wrote that you think 4-6 months of dating is enough time to start thinking about marriage - I personally think that's not too much time at all. I'd rather move in with someone then rush into marriage. It's very personal I guess. I don't think I'd be ready at all if a boyfriend proposed after 1 year of dating actually. It seems way too soon but I guess we never know?

 

I agree with you about not making any decisions because of financial woes - I always advocated against that. I'm not really going to think about any of it for 6 more month.

 

In other news, I lost 2.2 pounds in the last 4 days just by controlling my portions and avoiding junk food. Even if I eat junk food, like chips, it's fat free ones. I'm getting cravings today though. Like, I really want McDonalds!!! I have 2 more pounds to go until I'm back into my original shape so I'm going to try very hard to not give in.

[Batya33]

I would avoid the fat free chips unless you're talking about just a few and as long as it doesn't trigger more cravings. So, if your standard for living together is "this is someone I can see myself dating for at least the duration of this one-year lease" then, sure, go for it if it's more convenient/economical. And if you are not concerned about it having a negative impact on chances for marriage then that's not an obstacle either (I was concerned). To me dating for a year and getting married within the next year is not rushing into marriage. We all draw our lines but in general (with exceptions!) I think rushing into marriage is marrying in less than 6 months especially if it's someone you just met. I think after dating 4-6 months you should be clear that you have the same general goals and if you both want marriage in general, clear that you see each other as potential candidates down the road.

[annie24]

Have you ever gone to the website link removed ?

 

They have swaps for lots of fast food items for far lower calories. Lots of "mcdonalds" swaps in there too for when you are craving it.

[justagirl2]

To be honest, we are all individuals with different mindset about these things. It's hard to pinpoint a "right" or "wrong". Unless you are getting married after a very short period of time, I don't think there's a point on judging. Different things work for different people. For me, 1 year is too soon to get engaged. The 1.5-2 years is a more appropriate timeframe to me. But, I'm not saying never. I'm ambivalent about moving in. I always though I'd wait until marriage, but a lot of my friends who are married have stressed out the importance of moving in together before marriage. I do know there's the stress that the person might not have an incentive to propose anymore, but I guess if the communication lines are open and honest, that issue can be eliminated. I guess the ideal case scenario would be to get engaged and move in together right after. But then for me I'd like the engagement to last over 1 year at least. Who knows. All I know is that anything less than 2 years of dating to get married freaks me out. I do feel super strongly about M right now though so who knows how certain I'll be in 1 year time. Never say never, right?

 

I caved with McDonalds. I used Annie's site though and ordered a small plain cheeseburger, small fries and 4-nuggets. I'll just eat a salad for dinner and resume with the healthy eating tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like indulging on a craving helps me keep going. If not, all I can think about is the craving.

[annie24]

that's cool too - sometimes you just need to fill the craving and smartly like you did (small portions).

[justagirl2]

that's cool too - sometimes you just need to fill the craving and smartly like you did (small portions).

 

Well, it was still probably over 1000 calories meal Oh well.

 

M is cooking dinner tonight so I'm going to buy the food. Probably shrimp or a white meat protein with some salad!

[annie24]

lol. i calculated. it was 710. You're ok.

 

Anyway, about moving in together, that sounds exciting, but if you're not totally sure yet, just tell him you'd like to revisit this topic in 6 months or whatever. So that you're not saying "NO" but you're not jumping into anything either.

[Batya33]

Yes that is why I write what I would do and am not judging you. I know that living together before marriage would have been a mistake and also irrelevant since it gave me no relevant information about living together with a newborn, which we had after less than 3 months of marriage/living together. My husband felt the same so it was all good. I don't know that it's just about the incentive to propose (you can propose too of course!) but about the expectation that living together will give you enough relevant information about living together as a married couple. I also think it might create unrealistic expectations. I have never pinpointed right or wrong in any of these discussions. I never wanted a long engagement -didn't see the point because I found wedding planning boring and stressful (I planned one large wedding reception that never happened, for about 4 months - my own wedding I planned in under 6 weeks but our wedding party was small and informal).

 

Sound like you and M are having a great time!

 

As far as indulging in a craving again it's an individual thing. I found ways to divert my thoughts from the craving or to indulge in a much smaller way. Do what works!

[annie24]

PS - I know this is difficult with the timing. At my last place, they wanted to know 3 months in advance if we would renew the lease or not. Though that is extreme. I would renew the lease (or as batya said, find a cheaper place by yourself). If things keep going well, you can always break a lease, or find someone to sublet to. You just have to read the fine print of your rental documents. I often get emails like, "A visiting professor is looking for a furnished apartment from Jan-March" or something like that, so that could be another way to get out of your lease (leave them some furnishings, or buy some basic stuff from IKEA).

[justagirl2]

Yes, the topic has been tabled for now. I talked to him last night in a nice way - saying I'm excited to do it one say but not ready to start looking now. He agreed. He had a meeting with his longtime mentor yesterday and he told M he should stay in the city for a while if he is so focused on his career. I know M wants to live in a big house in the suburbs, it's what he wants and it's actually what I want too. But his mentor had a point. M works later everyday. He has business dinners, meetings, drinks. I don't think it makes sense for him to move from the city in the near future. So I think that helped him table the whole "let's look for a house on the suburbs" discussion. He also told me he talked to his mentor about me, which was cute. He said: "I told him I was dating this amazing girl, who is super smart and completely in my level. She's from X, went to Z, speaks 4 languages. I like her a lot. I worry about the passion fading because I really want this to work". I don't understand why he had to mention the passion thing, but I guess it shows that we are, indeed in the same boat. He also worries, as Batya said. It's cute that he talked about me with his 70-year old career mentor though.