Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

I'm starting this journal so I have a place to write about my anxieties - it helps me a ton.

 

Right now my anxiety is about food - I've gone off the rails these past weeks and already gained about 4 pounds. That puts me around 105 pounds. I was at 112lbs in the end of 2013 and lost 14 with the Dukan Diet. I'm 5'2 for reference, so that's normal weight for my height. I maintained that weight until about 1 month ago when I started to just... go off the rails. I started working so decreased my gym time. It's fall so I just get more lazy/hungry. I'm also in a serious relationship right now and that always makes me kind of get lazy with watching my calories/working out.

 

I'm working strange hours still and that's not helping my eating/sleeping habits. I do consulting for different clients and I can be working from different places, times... I am pretty much my own boss which gets hard to manage. It's really good money and I'm lucky to have this flexibility but might start looking for a more normal corporate job soon as that is probably going to be better for me to maintain a good routine. Probably worse pay, but a good routine is important for me.

 

My life is pretty amazing right now though and I'm trying to do some mindfulness meditation and be thankful for everything I have in the present. I just need to be better with the food because I know how hard it was to lose all those pounds earlier in the year and I don't want to throw the hard work out of the window.

[justagirl2]

Yesterday was a failure on the diet department. I had to hand in a project for work so the day was just very... boring. At night my boyfriend came over and brought me a donut. I WANTED TO KILL HIM. I mean, it was sweet as he knows I love donuts but I was being healthy until... he brought the donut.

 

My boyfriend and I had a heavy night, we are both stressed with our careers right now. It's his 30th birthday next week and I was planning something for him with his best friend but we had a long chat last night and it genuinely seemed like he doesn't want to do anything. His best friend was going to invite people from work and I just get a feeling he wants to just... not have to entertain people. He entertains people all year long. At the same time, it's his 30th bday and I feel sad that he doesn't want to do anything. I e-mailed his friend though and told him that I thought we should just let M figure his birthday out as he really doesn't seem interested in a celebration this year. Was that a good move? We were planning something super small and low key but he doesn't even seem to want that.

 

The truth is, he is crazy ambitious and it's killing him to be turning 30 and not being where he believes he should be right now (his goals are unrealistic). He thinks he's a failure. He's anything but a failure but I can't really change the way he is thinking about this right now. Is respecting his desire to not celebrate his bday the best move? Yes, right?

 

At the same time he told me he does like when people do things for him as he feels like he doesn't deserve it most of the time and in the end he appreciates it. I'm at a loss. I've only been dating him 3 months so don't want to do anything for him when he genuinely doesn't seem excited about it.

[Batya33]

I am 5"2 (and a half) and I think 110 is perfectly fine -isn't it 4 pounds per inch over 5 feet? I think what happened was you lost too much weight so your body is going overboard to put it back on. I do think 4 pounds is a lot to gain in one week unless you're PMSing, etc -are you binging?

 

I have to run but will continue reading and hopefully write more later. Hang in there.

[justagirl2]

Yes, I am binging. I don't know why. I guess working a lot and the change in weather. Also, my boyfriend is always taking me out to nice dinners and spoiling me with food! When I'm single I feel like I need to be on top of my game but once I know I have someone who loves me I just relax - NOT GOOD.

 

I was already fine though - stopped dieting in March and kept my weight stable until September. It really makes a big difference. I don't carry weight that well - I am very curvy and petite.

 

 

 

This is the before and after - before at about 112 and the two pictures after at around 104 and 100. I am already in between the first and second picture - and that's only with 2 weeks of binging. I got to get my act together ASAP.

[Batya33]

I think you have to do the same things that presumably have worked for you in the past -not having the trigger foods around, making better choices when you order at restaurants, stopping when you are not too full - I don't think you have to worry about being overweight but the binging is bad for your general health as is yo-yoing if that is the result with your weight. Do you drink diet soda? That used to be a trigger to me to eat more. I quit it 99% over 5 years ago and had greatly reduced it in the preceding 5-10 years.

[sophie274]

Hi!

 

Well, I think you need to find a weight that you can maintain while not depriving yourself or exercising too much. I don't know if 98 pounds is realistic in that sense - can you live a life where you eat normally and sometimes go out to eat and have dessert, and where you work out a normal/reasonable/sustainable amount, and weigh 98 pounds? If your target weight is so low that you're constantly having to diet and re-diet and deprive yourself to maintain it, I think it's no good. You'll just make yourself miserable.

 

You looked good last time I saw you! (Though I do remember you eating like a bird).

 

My internet cut this part off : my boyfriend can definitely eat a lot more than me (well, needs to eat more than me) and stay fit. We do mostly eat at home, in which case my strategy is to:

- prepare healthy things (usually several dishes so I can make one of them healthy and filli and have lots of that)

- serve myself much less than him

- I'm rarely hungry for dessert so usually just he has some and I'll have a bite

- eat healthy, lighter things at other meals so I can enjoy dinner with him

At a restaurant, unless it's amazing food and I just have to stuff myself (v rare), I'll give him part of my food or you know, take it home for later if it's appropriate.

Though, because of the altitude here, my appetite is not what it has been and I just can't overeat. I feel like in other relationships I have struggled with this more. It can definitely be tricky, sharing food is so fun but most of us can't eat as much as the men in our lives without suffering the consequences.

 

I think you're still very thin and I think part of your "problem" is that your target weight is impossible to maintain while living a normal lifestyle. I remember what you could eat on the Dukan diet and it was basically nothing.

[justagirl2]

I think you have to do the same things that presumably have worked for you in the past -not having the trigger foods around, making better choices when you order at restaurants, stopping when you are not too full - I don't think you have to worry about being overweight but the binging is bad for your general health as is yo-yoing if that is the result with your weight. Do you drink diet soda? That used to be a trigger to me to eat more. I quit it 99% over 5 years ago and had greatly reduced it in the preceding 5-10 years.

 

I am obsessed with soda. Diet coke is my weakness. I drink that every day. I don't drink alcohol so that's what I drink when I'm out socially with friends. What did you substitute soda for?

[justagirl2]

I think you might be right about the 98 pounds. Maybe the weight I'm in right now (104) is more sustainable. With that said, I've been eating so much junk food I do think if I ate healthy and maybe only had sweets on the weekend I could maintain this. I think everyone that wants to lead a healthy life and be in shape needs to be restrictive with junk food during their routine. The problem is I eat BAD food at BAD times. I'm a disaster in the kitchen so that's one of the problems too. I need to eat out or order food.

[justagirl2]

Also, things with my boyfriend's 30th bday party escalated and I'm just very stressed with his friends. I feel like they are bad friends to my boyfriend in so many ways. M gives so much. He is so amazing to his friends and his friends take so much from him. They are all throwing a 100 people Halloween party at my boyfriend's apartment (of course) on the 31rst. None of them realized that, wait, 2 days later is M's 30th birthday party. I had to remind the friends of it. I asked permission for M to contact his closest friend. Then M decided he didn't want anything. I told the friend and the friend sent out an e-mail saying that I was planning the birthday party with him when I know my boyfriend does not want a party. M knows about everything and is on my side but I hate how this made me looks to his family. I've been dating M for 3 months, I asked point blank to the friend that he doesn't mention my name in the e-mails as I don't want to be imposing on the fam so early on. Now I'm simply not replying to the emails. It's stressing me out so much!

[Batya33]

It takes two. M benefits from giving so much (he feels in control, makes him feel good, people pleaser, etc) but he probably has issues with having appropriate boundaries and knowing when to stop before he feels resentful.

 

I'd stay out of party planning since M doesn't want one and that's of course fine that he doesn't!

[sophie274]

I think you might be right about the 98 pounds. Maybe the weight I'm in right now (104) is more sustainable. With that said, I've been eating so much junk food I do think if I ate healthy and maybe only had sweets on the weekend I could maintain this. I think everyone that wants to lead a healthy life and be in shape needs to be restrictive with junk food during their routine. The problem is I eat BAD food at BAD times. I'm a disaster in the kitchen so that's one of the problems too. I need to eat out or order food.

 

Yeah 104 might be good (and you loook great in that second picture). Are you interested in learning how to cook? There are some easy healthy dishes you can learn to make. But NYC is the place to be for takeout, right? Pretty much everything is available? Here take out is only chicken and French fries, Chinese food and pizza, so I have to cook!

[justagirl2]

Yes, I agree. Well, now the friend emailed everyone, including his dad and brother and his business partners and mentioned that I was planning it with him. I didn't reply to any of the emails. I'll take care of the food and cake but I'm not meddling and emailing people like some "wife". I don't feel comfortable with that role after only dating him for 3 months. I'll email the best friend privately and tell him I can take care of the food and cake behind the scene but I just don't want emails sent from me to his family, close friends and business partners. I don't feel comfortable with that role yet. I'm mad the friend mentioned me on the e-mail as I asked him not to. I told him I would help him plan behind the scenes but didn't want to seem in charge. Maybe I wasn't that clear. That's what I told the friend: "The only thing I would ask of you is if you could send the email? I've only been dating M 3 months and I haven't met a lot of the people you listed so I feel like it would be a little 'imposing' of me to do so? I'm very happy to do it if it's going to give you too much trouble, but if it's chill for you, I would prefer it just because I don't want to overstep any boundaries you know? You are closer to him still G! haha. I can take care of booking the place/getting food + drinks if we decide to do it at his house."

 

M accepted that there's going to be a little celebration for him. His friend wouldn't take a "no" from him. I did say initially I would help so I will help, but I prefer to do it behind the scenes and not be sending emails out to 10+ people, some of whom I haven't even met yet.

 

I'm honestly feeling worried that M will be mad at me or think I'm trying too hard or something. I don't want to give that impression and I don't even feel comfortable with this situation. I'm literally worried he is going to break-up with me because of this birthday debacle.

[Batya33]

Behind the scenes sounds good and only write in emails to his friends what you would feel comfortable about if M read it.

 

I think you should learn how to cook simple stuff (which is basically all I do)- no reason to pay extra money for omelets, simple stir fry, pasta dishes etc. A panini sandwich press is nice too -you can use bagel thins or flat bread to cut down on carbs and use lots of veggies with less cheese than they use in those kinds of sandwiches in restaurants.

[justagirl2]

I've been making tapioca (this Brazilian grain that I can use as a low-fat crepe to put cheese, turkey breast, chicken, tomatoes) and eggs. I can also make basic sandwiches of course. Pasta I can make but it's unhealthy for everyday - would rather eat pasta when I go out to a nice place. I do think I can do the basics like eggs, bread, etc... and soup. I don't really like veggies and love cheese - it's a big problem.

[Batya33]

I've been making tapioca (this Brazilian grain that I can use as a low-fat crepe to put cheese, turkey breast, chicken, tomatoes) and eggs. I can also make basic sandwiches of course. Pasta I can make but it's unhealthy for everyday - would rather eat pasta when I go out to a nice place. I do think I can do the basics like eggs, bread, etc... and soup. I don't really like veggies and love cheese - it's a big problem.

 

Try whole grain pasta and keep the portions about 1/3rd of restaurant portions.

[justagirl2]

Really bad night with M. It's not anything I've done or that he's done, he's just unhappy. I guess it's the week of the big 30 and he's just overly stressed with work, not feeling like he's accomplishing much, etc... It's just...hard to deal with him when he's feeling this way. We went to dinner with a couple that I'm friends with and he was trying but he was just in such a bad mood. Then he was in a bad mood getting the taxi, coming home, etc... Of course when I tried to tell him he was acting nasty he just got more upset and asked me not to ask him any questions and just let him be. He wasn't rude to me, he was trying to be gentle, but just very visibly in a bad mood. Then he got home and literally crashed of exhaustion. I hope he is feeling better tomorrow and can apologize for the way he was acting. He said I was being harsh with him but I really wasn't. He is unhappy this week and is just being mad at the world. It it hurtful to me that whenever I am around his friends, I try to be in the best mood ever. Last week I drove to CT with him for over 4 hours back and forth to go to one of his best friend's 2 year old daughter party and was SO patient and nice. I got the little girl gifts and the parents wrote us that it was literally their favorite gift ever. The little girl loved me she kept pulling me by the hand and wanting to show me everything. I was so loving and patient with all of them. It was a 12 hour day. He literally couldn't behave for 2 hours with my adult friends? I'm trying to understand he really is having a bad week though and it is not personal but it is hurtful.

[missmarple]

What is wrong with his week? Did something bad happen?

[justagirl2]

Good question. I mean, he is turning 30 next week and is feeling awful about it. M is overly ambitious and even though he has achieved so much, he feels like he is a huge failure. He told me that point black last night. He just feels like he's not good enough, he's not changing the world as he wanted to be doing, he's unhappy. Work stresses him out. M puts EVERYTHING into what he does and not everyone has the same passion - so he just gets frustrated. His company has grown from a start-up to over 100 people and just dealing with the politics of it is exhausting to him. He's super aggressive too so I can understand how people can be put off by his management style. But, he puts more work than everyone and he gets the results and he believes that should speak for itself but we all know it's not how it works. He's just having "growing pains" I guess. But it's exhausting to be him, being amazing and doing amazing things and still feeling like a failure every single day. It's just hurting him more this week because I guess turning 30 is signaling that he's not where he wants to be in his professional life. I just think he should use all that energy that he has and count his blessings and turn it into something positive. He's been carrying so much angst around. I do think he'll feel better when the birthday is behind him though.

[Batya33]

He has strengths and weaknesses. It is strong to be successful and ambitious. It is a weakness not to respect personal boundaries and to take it out on others (meaning he is angry with himself, a perfectionist so he manages people in an aggressive way that doesn't engender teamwork or support -becomes a vicious cycle). Choosing the pity party is another weakness and again the negativity will come through in how he interacts with people at work and professionally. He has to learn how to get the right balance between working hard and choosing to burn out so that the hard work actually produces great results and doesn't affect his health or relationships negatively.

 

I wouldn't look at it as "oh he's so special and amazing so of course he's going to get stressed out and feel like a failure" it's more like "he has many special an amazing qualities. he also has qualities and makes choices that sabotage him or have a negative reaction on his life/other people".

 

Even if he did change the world he'd do the "cup half empty" thing -it's never going to be enough until he starts making different choices about his attitude and perspective. You can encourage him when he makes better choices but he shouldn't be made to feel like "oh it's ok that you have these [pity parties, etc/] it's just because you're so amazing and have accomplished so much". The justification won't help him change. I'd be reinforcing when he behaves in a more balanced way about his accomplishments but I wouldn't try to analyze or help him change. That's his deal.

[justagirl2]

Agree it's a weakness. One that can transform him from great to mediocre. He needs to change his attitude and I think he's really trying. He doesn't throw the pity parties to be difficult or for attention - he genuinely feels really bad/unhappy. We talked this morning and he apologized and we made goals of how he can be better. What I really like about M is that he takes constructive criticism really, really well. He listens, understands and agrees that he needs to be more positive. I can see him trying hard every day. It's just this week with the birthday and the conflicts at work it's hitting him harder. He's a really good guy though and I know he doesn't throw those pity parties to be difficult or to be a bad boyfriend. I really think I love him. We haven't said "I love you" yet but I care about him a lot. I want to support him and be there for him. He's special and really good to me. Nobody is going to be perfect and his qualities far exceeds his weaknesses in my opinion. He's just really sweet and caring. I'll have to accept that he will have some bad days. I'm more stable myself - even though I seem crazy on ENA, my emotions are very in check in real life and my moods very constant. I can be very anxious inwardly, but I'm just very easygoing and happy go lucky outwardly. Not everyone is going to be that way.

[happpybear]

Hi there

 

There are lots of really simple things you can make to eat that are healthy and nutritious. Do you have a slow-cooker? Honestly one of the best things you can have in your kitchen if you are not that into cooking. You can make any number of soups/stews/casseroles and even oatmeal overnight (or during the day while you are at work) it it takes most of the work out of cooking.

 

Also, it's super easy to throw together a big salad to eat that is nutritious. I do this all the time, it's my go-to. Just throw in a ton of veggies and even some fruit (I like to put strawberries or apple or tangerine segments), some meat (if you eat it) and leftover rice, or quinoa or even a slice of toasted bread--ripped into chunks, with a nice vinaigrette. Easy instant meal.

 

It might be helpful to get a decent cookbook with simple meals in it, and just go through the cookbook and make the recipes that look good to you. That's what I did years ago to learn how to cook, it's good because all the instructions are right there.

[Batya33]

I don't think he has to be more positive right away but he should fake it till he makes it. He is choosing to have the pity party -he has choices as to how to react to feeling like a failure and he is making the choice to do the pity party. He can make other choices but it's up to him. Obviously he's a really good guy and has great qualities and no one is perfect. I was referring to how the pity parties/attitude are not "because" he's amazing or successful - it doesn't need to be part of that at all. It's "because" of choices he is making.

[justagirl2]

I have to get into that. I know it's the answer to my questions. The big problem I have right now is that I live in NYC so the my apt is small with the kitchen really near the living room. I am a neat freak and the biggest issue I have with cooking is that my kitchen gets messy and I start getting worried mouse/animals are going to come in. When I think about that I just imagine it's easier to walk to the market accross the street and get a homemade salad.

 

I will get a cookbook though, for basics, and maybe a slow-cooker? I don't even know what a slow-cooker is, will google it now . I'm legit a novice in the kitchen.

 

I think I did better these past few days though. Even though it's been a weekend, been sharing meals with the boyfriend and eating smaller portions in general. Also, feeling less antsy and prone to binges. It's good to have healthy snacks at home so I can just grab something when I start getting too hungry.

 

Thanks for you advice!

[justagirl2]

I don't think he has to be more positive right away but he should fake it till he makes it. He is choosing to have the pity party -he has choices as to how to react to feeling like a failure and he is making the choice to do the pity party. He can make other choices but it's up to him. Obviously he's a really good guy and has great qualities and no one is perfect. I was referring to how the pity parties/attitude are not "because" he's amazing or successful - it doesn't need to be part of that at all. It's "because" of choices he is making.

 

Batya - I find it really amazing how positive you've been about M and I. I don't think you realize how much it helps me. I know you don't BS in here, and you genuinely seems to believe in us? Is this right or are you just trying to not create anxiety? Do you really believe M is a good guy from what I write about him?

 

Today was a really good day. We've been getting closer and closer. He was really sweet this morning, we normally take a break before meeting later but he wanted to cook together, workout together, and just spend the whole day together. It was cute I feel like he's really getting attached - and so am I. We watched TV with his dad for a while and then went out to dinner at a Mexican place. He's not in a very good place with his dad. He's upset his dad just ended his 10th longterm relationship or something close to that. He feels like his dad should get his act together and make a relationship last. M really loved his dad's gf. His dad is just not the same person as he is and he's just really hard on him. He says he doesn't admire how his dad is running his business, how he can't stay in a relationship, etc... But it's like, he's a great father to you, let him live his life how he wants to live his life. He listened to me and agreed.

 

At dinner we had a little argument. I mean, it was nothing serious, just the usual issues with girls texting him. It's so annoying but I know I'm going to have to deal with this and trust him. He's charming, he works with a lot of women, he has girl friends... what can I do. He actually TOLD me the inappropriate interaction that made me upset and he says he wants to tell me and be in the clear because he really wants us to work. But in my mind it's like, why the heck are you giving space for this type of situation. I mean, he's trying, I know I have to be patient and I know he wants to be with me. I know it. I was actually probably a little too hard given the situation wasn't that bad. He showed me the texts and basically he went to drinks with an ex co-worker, she got overly friendly with him. She texted him something flirty about wanting to meet up again and not liking how well-behaved he was being and he had written: "Well, I'll meet up with you again when my girlfriend, *my name*, wants to come along too". It really baffles me how aggressive women are being in NYC these days. Like what is going on? Again, I was stressed that he went for drinks to begin with, but honestly, I go out with my guy friends, I had drinks with Z the other day, it is what it is. It's been a while since one of these issues come up, specially because he literally completely distanced himself from that other chick so I'm going to trust him. I'm stressed I overreacted though, I just want to be able to say: "Look, I don't think this was appropriate" and move on. Instead I get moody and start wanting to argue.

 

It wasn't awful though. We came back home, talked, laughed and joked and just had a nice night together. Before falling asleep he said "I really, really like you and I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm trying really hard to make this work between us and not fall short with you". Honestly, I don't doubt him one bit. I know he is trying hard and honestly, bottom line is he went for drinks with this chick. It's very clear from the texts exchange that nothing happened and he was backing out of it all. I'm not stupid and I do know that M knows he is very charming and that most girls are attracted to him so he kind of puts himself on this situation willingly and probably because he likes the attention - specially since he was single for a year. I do believe as we get more serious, this is going to be toned down.

[missmarple]

Are you sure that it's the women being aggressive and not that he somehow leads them on? I don't mean to make you worry (you do enough of that on your own!) but it's something to think about. Yes, it's clear from the text that nothing happened but you weren't there. People can be flirty while being well-behaved, you know.

It just strikes me as odd that someone would send such a text to a guy ('I don't like how well-behaved you were, etc) out of the blue if their interactions until then had just been friendly.

Also, the fact that he was single for a year means nothing. I've been single for over 3 years and yet I don't care for attention when it comes from people I'm not interested in and, especially, if I was dating someone, I would care even less. I don't think that will change even if you do get more serious, it sounds to me like it's a character trait...some form of insecurity, perhaps?