Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

No. I can protect myself. One of his friends seemed bothered by this other kid talking to me though. I wasn't doing anything wrong though and M was also talking to a million of different women. Everything is fine. The cleaning lady is coming soon to help him clean but he wanted to get the floors and stuff clean before she got there. So I helped him do a lot of the cleaning. Then the two of his friends who slept over woke-up and started helping him so I came home to shower.

[Batya33]

Good. I'm sure you were doing nothing wrong and everything right. Of course M was talking to lots of women - must have been at least 40 guests who were women, right?

[justagirl2]

He was mostly taking to the CIO of his company the whole night. He was actually not talking to that many women, just hi and stuff. He was very well behaved just hyper focused on entertaining his work people and not getting anything broken/anybody killed.

[Batya33]

He was mostly taking to the CIO of his company the whole night. He was actually not talking to that many women, just hi and stuff. He was very well behaved just hyper focused on entertaining his work people and not getting anything broken/anybody killed.

 

I think it's fine i he talked to every woman there. Even if you are exclusive he just promised not to date other people or try to date other people - he should socialize with women if he feels like it.

[justagirl2]

Oh yeah, totally. And the times he did come up to me he was super affectionate, hugging and kissing me and introducing me as his girlfriend. He wasn't hiding he was in a relationship. I just think he could have spent more time with me but I'm probably demanding a little too much.

[Batya33]

I do think with 100 people there you can't expect much if any attention. I think you can talk to him at some point down the road about limiting those types of parties. Too risky (meaning to his apartment!).

[justagirl2]

Quick update: Everything is going very well. M and I spent the whole weekend together. He said he wanted to just spend both days with me and he gave me 100% undivided attention. It was really nice. Also, I invited him to a wedding in my hometown in March and I'm shocked he really is coming. We bought the tickets yesterday. I'm a bridesmaid and I invited him to come but told him he didn't need to since it's a 10-hour flight. Actually a 10-hour flight + a 2-hour flight. Still, yesterday he said he did want to go and said that if we were to get more serious and potentially move in together someday it was important for him to meet my family, my dad, etc... I thought that was so sweet. I'm a little nervous about it because he doesn't really speak the language and I won't be able to give him that much attention on the wedding day (at least not during the ceremony). Yet, I feel like he's a big guy and will be able to deal with it, correct? Didn't I just deal with 100 people in his home where I knew nobody on Friday? I feel like women always feel like we have to do more than men. It's just normal. We gravitate more towards their group of friends than they do to ours. It's been like this with all of my relationships. I get nervous when I have to bring my boyfriends to my circle and know they don't feel that comfortable. But I guess M needs to get outside of his comfort zone too and do things for me as I do for him. I'm happy he's coming.

 

Today is his 30th and I give him a card and a gift. He's been using a backpack for 10 years for work and I knew he wanted a briefcase so I got him one. I think he really, really liked it and was all excited putting his things in his new briefcase for the work day last night. His father just e-mailed me asking if I need help setting up his bday tonight. His dad and brother are taking him for dinner earlier so I'm responsible for setting up. I just need to get a cake and order sushi - it shouldn't be that bad. It's funny that his father is e-mailing me and asking me if I want keys - I really feel like part of the family. His best friend who was helping me with the party just e-mailed me saying he has a fever and might not make it. He won't be able to help me set up. To be fair, it's fine because he did all the coordinating and inviting people and I was the one responsible for setting up/ordering food/getting the cake. It's not like he bailed on his responsibilities. He did what he had to do and is now sick with a fever in bed. I'm a little nervous about things going smooth tonight but I'm sure it will... it's just a very small gathering for friends and all I have to do is order sushi, get a cake, get keys with M at his work, and set up. I'm happy to do it for him.

[Batya33]

I'm sure the birthday will be fun and the wedding sounds great -he should know 100% that you can't be by his side much of the time (and when it gets closer I'm sure you'll figure out a polite/gentle way to remind him.

[annie24]

aww that sounds like a nice weekend. I bet the briefcase was nice.

[justagirl2]

Slept all day today. I didn't have a deadline for work and yesterday had to hand in a project and organize M's bday. Everything went well. I just ate/slept today, feel bad about it. I think having a more routine job will be good for me. At the same time, I like kind of having my time to do everything I want to do. Let's see how it goes.

[justagirl2]

More updates:

 

It was a little strange that a lot of M's friends came up to me yesterday to tell me how happy they were that M seemed so content with me, since he had been so crushed over his past girlfriend. Ugh, can they let that go? I honestly don't know why this bothers me. But it kind of does. I know M was depressed for a while after his break-up, but it's annoying that his friends think it was only because of his girlfriend. It really wasn't. I've talked to M so much about this period in his life and it's pretty clear that it was a combination of things: he felt like he failed on his job AND he felt like he failed on his relationship. I honestly even think the job situation was more painful for him. He was doing so well at the hedge fund for 4 years, getting paid so well, getting a lot of respect... and then some people higher up got upset with how much he was growing and they wanted him out. He wasn't fired, but they made him resign pretty much. That's what really killed him. Of course, at the same time the girlfriend and him broke-up so that was awful too. I know that was painful for him but it annoys me that his friends think that she was the reason he was so distraught. It wasn't that. It was everything that was going on in his life. Every night M still regrets how things ended up at the hedge fund. He really loved a lot of what he was doing there and he feels like the place is the best organization in the world. He feels liked he messed that up. It really hurts him every night that things didn't workout there. He tells me that. I know how much it bothers him. I'm not saying the girl wasn't important for him. Of course she was. But I genuinely feel like he has moved on from that 100x more than he has moved on from the hedge fund. Yet, his friends act like all his heartbreak/depression was caused by the break-up when I know it wasn't.

[Batya33]

Very simple answer -stop participating in gossip. The second someone starts talking about M behind his back -even good stuff -anything more than "glad you two are so happy" - just gently change the topic, or walk away, or laugh it off and say "oh, thanks but I think I'll stick to talking about M when I'm with him, ok?" And I would move on from the "why are his friends saying this" -because people form opinions, everyone has one, and some people love to gossip to the new girlfriend. One of my husband's friends once tried to get me jealous about my husband's ex (actually in front of my husband). Didn't work. I'm not saying they have bad motives but I think in general it shows lack of common sense to gossip as you're describing. And of course it's a back-handed compliment to you, telling you how in love he was with his ex and then doing the comparison thing.

[notalady]

Agree with Batya. Does it really matter what his friends think?

 

Also, M probably didn't share with his friends about why he was upset, it's probably a matter that is sensitive and close to him, he shared it with you meaning he trusts and chooses to confide in you, it should be a good thing, whereas he may not have felt comfortable sharing it with his friends. They don't know the truth and you do, so just smile and walk away, don't participate, like Batya suggested.

[justagirl2]

You girls are right. He doesn't share much with his friends at all. He showed me his speech for his talk at his college and one part read: "... I was on top of the world. Then they wanted me out. And I got depressed..."

 

I think sharing that with undergrads def means a step towards healing for him. And if the depression had been only about his ex gf why would he include it on his narrative about his post Harvard career, you know?

 

I think my interpretation is right but hearing that from his friends makes me scared that he's not over the ex and/or will never love me as he loved her.

[notalady]

Has there been any sign that he's not over his ex?

 

Aside from that, I wouldn't worry about "comparing" with the ex, everyone's relationship and the love that they shared is different. I wouldn't think it along the lines of it being quantity (ie loving someone more or less), rather just different. If a guy loves you, and he's a good guy, he'll treat you well and make you happy, full stop. It is irrelevant if he did the same with his ex. If he did that just means he is consistently a good guy, it's not because he loved her more, similarly if he treated her (or treats you) differently in a bad way, it's not because he loved her less (or loves you less), it's because that's who he is and that'd be a reason to leave. So either way, there's no point comparing relationship or love. It would be worthwhile though to find out why they split up and what was his role in it (because it's never one person's fault), and see if he talks about his previous relationship in a positive and balanced way (ie no badmouthing and blaming).

[justagirl2]

I don't think he shows any signs. It seems like he took the necessary steps to heal. He was single for over 1.5 years, suffered, went to therapy, casually dated a lot. I'm his first relationship after the break-up and he met me over 1 year post ending it. This makes me think I'm not a rebound.

 

He does blame himself 100% for that ending. I've never seen him badmouth anyone ever. He says he was too engrossed with his career and just simply stopped putting energy into his ex and the relationship. Then it got to a point where they were dating for 5 years and they would either get married or break-up. But, because he stopped giving her attention she had grown resentful of him and he just realized they both stopped loving each other. So, instead of proposing, he decided to end things. He blames himself a lot for "failing" and not being able to make the relationship right. M blames himself a lot for most things that goes wrong in his life. They seem to have a really nice relationship still - both deeply care about one another and there is literally zero hard feelings from either side. At the same time, they don't talk much at all and when they do it's very simple: "Happy Bday", "How are you?" "I'm good".

 

I also found out recently why he ended things with his first girlfriend. He has had two serious 2+ years girlfriends. His first ex slept with his brother. I was shocked to hear that considering M loves his brother so much and literally holds zero resentment towards him. I judged the brother a lot when he told me what he did but then he reasoned with me that his brother was 15/16 and they were all in high school. Still, I can't believe he did that. M blames himself for that one a little too. He says he was focusing so much on getting into college that he stopped giving the girl attention so she had to go find it elsewhere. It really impresses me that he doesn't blame his brother AT ALL for what he did as he thinks they were all just kids at the time.

 

M is a very, very good guy. He treated his ex like a princess and that's how he treats me too. It does seem like the common denominator is that he is too career focused and may stop giving his girlfriends attention when the going gets rough.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you've done enough analysis and discussion about his ex(exes) - hopefully he wants to break the pattern of choosing to prioritize career to the point that he is not valuing personal relationships. I had to change certain habits/patterns to be the right person/find the right person so I can relate. There's a great Sex and the City episode where Carrie meets Big's ex wife on pretense (I think because they have writing in common) and the ex figures it out and has an interesting discussion with her.

[justagirl2]

Batya - I didn't even have to think much about it because he told me things. Yeah, I think honestly, I've prioritized my career/desires in my previous relationships too. It's not so much about finding the right person/being the right person but feeling like you are READY to be the right person. I feel ready now and I honestly think it has a lot to do with where I am in my life.

 

I don't think M is my soulmate, the person, or anything like that. What I think is different about this relationship is that before I met him, I was feeling ready to finally have a serious relationship with marriage potential. I haven't felt that way before.

[annie24]

I wouldn't take what his friends say seriously. As long as M is not waxing poetic about his ex.

[justagirl2]

No, he barely mentions her. Only when we are discussing ex relationships.

[notalady]

He's got a good mentality about past relationships and reflect on why things went wrong. Now it's important to carefully observe if he has done anything to change his flaw (ie prioritising career to the point of neglecting personal relationships as Batya mentioned). It is a major flaw if he can't change it and I would suggest you think carefully about if you can live with that, it is a very hard position to be in.

[Batya33]

No, he barely mentions her. Only when we are discussing ex relationships.

 

My advice -keep those discussions to a minimum or not at all.

[justagirl2]

We don't talk much about exes.

 

I'm trying to stick to my diet and I think I'm finally on a good roll. I wasn't doing too well in the start of the week but am ending it on a good note.

 

I spent some time at the office for my new job today and I really enjoyed it. I think it will be a great opportunity and the people are all very young and competent. It's a fun environment for sure.

 

I'm going to Cambridge with M tomorrow because he was invited to give a speech at his alma mater. It will be fun to hear him - he's very charismatic. I always tell him he should be a politician because he's a very good public speaker. He told me today that he dreamed about being president as a kid but gave up on that because he's too short (aww, first time I've heard him complain about his 5'9 self). I'm a bit nervous about dinner after though. My masters is in Economics from arguably the top Econ school in the world, yet I feel like I know so little. Honestly, I just feel like a BS-ed my way through the classes. M thinks I'm so smart he always talks about how smart I am. Well, tomorrow is the day he will probably find out I'm a fraud. We are going to dinner with a very high up White House Economist and I'm so nervous. I really wish I could have gone to dinner with my friend instead but M insisted I come with him. I think he expects me to be all knowledgeable but I honestly am a fraud. Oh well. At least I'm going to wear a cute outfit while I embarrass myself.

 

The weekend will be fun though. We are staying in a nice hotel and it's going to be a good little getaway. We are doing really, really well.

[Batya33]

Have fun! You're not the one making the presentation -you're just going as his girlfriend - if someone grills you then just hit the ball back to that person "I haven't really considered that angle -what do you think?". Do that kind of thing as much as possible.

[justagirl2]

Batya - that is the best advice ever! Ha. I already used it once today!! It worked very well...!