Just a journal, by justagirl.

[notalady]

Hahaha good one. Yea sometimes you have to learn to avoid questions and not give a direct answer (aka be more politician like haha).

[justagirl2]

The weekend ended up being really great on the romantic front. The dinner started very annoying in the beginning. The professors only wanted to talk about economics, politics, government. I'm not from the US and I just moved here a little over 2 years ago so I honestly don't have that much knowledge to be discussing Obamacare/healthcare laws with Harvard professors who actually spent time at the White House. Of course to my total luck, the "rockstar" white house advisor chose to sit right next to me. I didn't talk to him much at all for the first half of the dinner. I basically used Batya's response a lot. Then, as everyone drank more we finally started chatting about family, love, life... outside of the boring academic topics. We got along very well then. He told us the story of how he met his wife in 1981 in the amtrak. It was so cute. I died. They were both in grad school and met catching the train from Boston back home. He asked her: "Is this train going to NY?" as a conversation starter and they talked all 4 hours of the ride. They are happily married with grown up kids today... His wife and him were so in tune, partners... It was just really nice to witness. It made me a little sad too that my story with M is: "we met on a dating app", haha. But well, that turned into a good supply and demand discussion anyways.

 

M was amazing to me. He is just a prince. I'm honestly getting more and more scared as I start to fall more in love with him. He was an absolute rockstar at the talk. There were about 100 people in the room and everyone was super engaged and laughing. He did such a good job, I was so proud. But it's not just that... he's just so good to me. He treats me with so much care. We just got home from hours of a train ride and he just texted to ask if he could come over and watch a movie with me because he knows I get sad on Sundays. He's so sweet. At the same time, it's the first time I'm in a relationship where I feel equally if not MORE in love than my boyfriend. I've pined for guys I've dated and had crushes on, but M is only my 3rd serious boyfriend. My first 2 boyfriends were really great guys but they were more into me than I was into them. I never felt insecure - at least not after the 2-3 months dating mark. I never acted insecure. With M, I genuinely think I'm doing a good job of playing it cool, but I am insecure at times. I don't think I've been needy yet - we both equally love spending time together - but I can see myself getting needy with him. With my other boyfriends, I'd see them 2days/week and be glad for the days apart. I spend 5days/week with M and I only get tired of him when I'm just... very lazy and just want to chill alone. I'm just so scared of this situation. I have so much high hopes for this. He is the guy of my dreams. Even my dad called me today and said he saw a picture of us and has heard I talk about him and said: "This is your dream guy, huh?". I mean, my dad, the person who knows me the most.

 

I've always had this crazy perfectionist ideal of what I wanted in my partner. My friends always made fun of me for it. They also all said I was going to end up with someone completely different than what I envisioned and we laughed about that. I kind of believed him really. My "dream guy" was so specific that it was kind of a joke... But M is more than what I envisioned when I thought about my dream guy. And not just physically and intellectually, but as a human being and as a boyfriend. It just seems unreal to me that at 27, after finishing grad school and getting ready to finally settle and start a family in the next few years I meet this guy. In the right moment. What are the odds. It really freaks me out. I'm just waiting for something to happen because I'm not that great of a person and I just can't imagine why G-d would fulfill my dream and deepest desires this way. It seems unreal. Anyways, I need to try to enjoy the moment because well... it's a damn good one. I just can't imagine myself falling from this one though. It's going to be so painful. Because of my age I guess it's the first time I REALLY envision myself getting married to my current boyfriend. I always imaged myself getting married - but to some fantasy guy I had made up in my mind. Never the person I was with. With M, I honestly imagine myself wanting to be with him forever. It's just so scary because I make all these plans on my mind and it's going to be so painful to have this taken away from and to have to start over. I wonder if I'll have the strength really... but anyways... I'm not going to worry until I have to. I have to be mindful and enjoy the present and try to be positive even though honestly, it sounds unrealistic to me that this is all happening.

 

In unrelated news, my anxiety has been peaking up lately. I don't know why. If it's the change of jobs, the winter coming, or the fact that my therapist decreased my anti-depressants and took me off my anti-anxiety meds. It's been about 2 months but it's just hitting me now. I'm basically only taking 50mg of sertraline now (kids dosage). I've suffered from an anxiety disorder since I was 16 and this is the first time in over 10 years that I haven't been taking a sort of anti anxiety medication (xanax, clonozepam, ambien...) I always took very low doses but at least I felt like I had something to "protect me". I had a bad reaction to ambien but recovered from it very quickly and my doctor thought I was strong enough to deal without the anti-anxiety meds. She would prefer that I only take the anti-depressant, even if it meant a higher the dose. I didn't want a higher dose so I ended up with no benzos and a very low dose of anti-depressant. I was coping fine but these past days I'm feeling very uneasy. I haven't slept well and I've started having my irrational fears again. I've always really feared losing my mind (my mom is bipolar/borderline) and I've been reading a lot of Amanda Bynes and her breakdown lately with bipolar and/or schizophrenia and it's freaking me out. I am her age, what if I have a breakdown too? After all, my mom has it so I'm genetically predisposed to it. My therapists says there is NO chance I'm going to develop any of these illnesses as I've been in therapy for the past 11 years and all I've had is anxiety and NO signs of anything more serious. She also joked that it would be a funny case of a girl who developed a serious mental illness after "waiting" for it for 10 years. I've literally been waiting to have a breakdown or start hearing voices since I was 16. That's my fear when anxiety spikes. I know it's irrational and I can't make myself have a psychotic break but I guess since I witness this with my mom as a little girl it just FREAKS me out. No matter how irrational my fear seems, sometimes I just REALLY convince myself that I'm going to start seeing or hearing things or have a bipolar episode at any minute. That puts me in a depression because well, it doesn't matter if my life is amazing and I have a great boyfriend - I'm about to lose touch with reality anyways. It's really warped and crazy and I wonder if I will lever let go of this fear? Maybe when I turn 30? You guys have no idea how scared I get in these moments of anxiety. I just sit and wait for the breakdown - which is ridic since I've been waiting for it since I was 16. Lol. I mean it's funny, but it's super scary. I just think I need to avoid triggers - such as reading about Amanda Bynes in the news but it's hard because I get so curious and it's everywhere. Anyways, I guess I will have to deal with this fear forever? Maybe if I haven't lost it by 60 it will go away...

 

Anyways, I've been trying to be strong about it, but I guess I will need to ask for anti-anxiety meds again at my next appointment on Nov 17th. If this week things get worst, I will just call and ask for a prescription. Hopefully it will subside though, I just had a crisis yesterday after reading about Amanda Bynes for 2 hours. I just hate feeling so scared of turning out like my mom...

[justagirl2]

M just got me flowers out of the blue. He showed up to watch the movie with flowers. It made me so happy

 

I hope I can sleep well tonight but I think with him here I will feel less anxious.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a great weekend with M and I am sorry you're feeling anxious! I would definitely stop self-diagnosing by reading/looking at the internet. Glad M is being so supportive.

As far as M being the one I would take a deep breath and tell yourself you'll know far more about that within the next 6 months or so but not yet - I say that just to decrease the overwhelming part of that (which might be triggering the anxiety).

[justagirl2]

Batya - Thank you. I'm feeling so much better.

 

I don't self diagnose really, I just get so curious about mental illness that end up reading about it whenever it's on the news and it triggers my own fears. I don't really talk about any of this with M though. This stuff I keep to myself. I mention it briefly but I honestly think a boyfriend/SO can't become a therapist.

 

I know damn well I don't have any of these illnesses but it still freaks me out for some weird reason. I'm feeling better today though. Upwards and onwards.

 

M really does nothing but reassure me about his feelings for me/intentions all the time so the relationship really shouldn't make me anxious. I guess just the future in general does.

 

I'm in a good spot though, just can't let the anxiety control me. It won't.

[justagirl2]

One of my best friends just called me this afternoon: "Are you ready to be my bridesmaid?". Awww, I'm SO happy for her. Her fiancé is an amazing guy. They are a great couple. I texted him congrats and he wrote back: "Thank you!!! I feel like the luckiest person alive!". It's so cute to hear this from a guy. So of my group of best friends, I'm officially the only one not engaged. Ha. Actually me and another girl. We have a group of 10 girls that are like sisters and we've been friends since pre K. We all went to school together from pre K to 12th grade. I mean, honestly, I don't feel awful about it. I'm the only one of the 10 that really have a career so I mean, I honestly know we all have our own paths. I was actually SUPER happy for her and not jealous. I mean, maybe if I wasnt with M, I'd feel different. But I know my time will come eventually and this is my path - I can't compare my journey to anybody else's.

 

I'm honestly just happy that one of my best friends found a guy who said he feels like the luckiest person alive to be with her... that's what every woman deserves.

[annie24]

awww, that's sweet. and yes, don't compare yourself. I am sure that several of those girls in the group are jealous of you and your exciting life and new bf. The grass is greener, as they say....

[justagirl2]

awww, that's sweet. and yes, don't compare yourself. I am sure that several of those girls in the group are jealous of you and your exciting life and new bf. The grass is greener, as they say....

 

Exactly. I'm sure some of the girls question themselves, if they should have studied more, lived abroad, looked for other opportunities. However, I do think most of my friends actually found good guys for them. I don't think any of them is really unhappy. It is actually really nice to see. Of the girls who are married, I just don't see them getting divorced? I know it's crazy since it's 10 of us, the divorce rate is 50%. But I really think my group chose well and were lucky. It's too early to tell but I think everyone seems relatively very happy, which makes me super happy. These girls are my sisters and I'm happy everything seemed to work pretty well for all of us. At least so far.

[annie24]

Even if they are happy in their marriages, they might look at you and think, "wow, she is living the Sex in the City lifestyle! I am so jealous!"

[justagirl2]

M used the L word yesterday so I asked him if he did love me. He said: "In certain ways, yes". What did he mean? I mean is this a red flag that he doesn't love me after 4 months of dating? Or probably just getting ready to be able to really say it? I haven't said it to him yet.

[missmarple]

M used the L word yesterday so I asked him if he did love me. He said: "In certain ways, yes". What did he mean?

 

Why didn't you ask him?

[justagirl2]

I don't know I don't want to force it. I just get scared that asking too much will prompt him to realize he doesn't love me or something. I'm going to let go for now - it's going to be 4 months soon but that's not much time. I will probably ask again closer to 6 months?

[Batya33]

I would say nothing and ask nothing. When you are ready to say it you should say it (because he already said it) -not as a test to see how he responds although I know that might be tempting but just because if you feel it then say it.

 

My take on it- he is having strong feelings for you but realizes that he's only known you 3 months and he knows it's not a great idea to rush these things.

[justagirl2]

I would say nothing and ask nothing. When you are ready to say it you should say it (because he already said it) -not as a test to see how he responds although I know that might be tempting but just because if you feel it then say it.

 

My take on it- he is having strong feelings for you but realizes that he's only known you 3 months and he knows it's not a great idea to rush these things.

 

I know. I mean we've been building a really great relationship. I shouldn't doubt his feelings towards me. However, ENA ends up being a blessing and a curse. For example, I read Annie's diary a lot and the way Logan would say he had strong feelings for her but in the end wasn't head over heels about her. What if this happens with me? What if in the end M is not head over heels for me or doesn't really love me as a partner.

 

I guess reading so many stories at ENA makes me skeptic. With G, my first boyfriend, I was a naive 18 year old. Never exposed to heartbreak. We dated 3 years and I think we said "I love you" around the 3 month mark. We would write emails every monthly anniversary. Letters every 6 months, Valentine's Day and years. We both really did love each other. I have no doubts about that. I was his first love and he was mine. But, we were kids (18-21) it's just a different ballgame. There's no baggage or history. With T, my second boyfriend who I dated 2.5 years, I don't even think I ever said "I love you". It's obvious to me now we never had that deeper connection. I wasn't into him. He was a great boyfriend and good company, but I def. wasn't in love with him. I think he sent me a letter with flowers on our 1-year that said "I love you" but that was the only time really. It didn't bother me at all, I didn't even think about it.

 

I guess I can't overthink it much. I feel more comfortable saying I love you closer to the 6month mark, to be honest. Maybe around New Years time. It still feels a little soon to me even though I know that 3 months is not soon for a lot of people.

[annie24]

gah, don't feel worried because of Logan. I know, it's hard not to be worried when you hear bad stories. But then you said your friends have great strong marriages, so i mean, it happens!!

 

I felt bad things didn't work out with T because he sounded really great. But i get it, you just didn't feel "deeper" for him. sigh. it sucks. it happens.

 

There's not much you can do at this point except go with it, enjoy the relationship, be a good gf. If he hasn't said "i love you" by (insert date in the future), then maybe you can bring it up with him, but for now, I think just being positive and enjoying the relationship will go farther.

 

hugs

[Batya33]

Apples and oranges because everyone is different about saying ILY - when, how, even whether (you know the old fiddler on the roof song, right?). When my husband first said it he was nervous (and under 30, i.e. youngish) so he said it in French (yes he is American, just pretends to be French Guy once in awhile!). I don't speak French so of course I was confused at first!

 

(my son told everyone in the dentist's office yesterday that he loved them - he'll learn....)

 

 

It is interesting that M said it and then qualified it. He's nervous IMO. It's normal and understandable!

[annie24]

haha, good your son loves the dentist!! haha.

[notalady]

I'm one of those people who would never say ILY if the guy didn't say it first, because I grew up in a culture and family that doesn't vocalise love and feelings and such. That doesn't mean that I don't love them. I personally don't put any weight on when and if the guy say the words, I just watch their actions. Words are cheap remember?

 

As long as M's actions say he loves you, it's all good.

[Batya33]

I would not continue dating a guy exclusively who did not express his feelings for me in those words - I do put more stock in actions but the ILY is an exception- I think for most people it is not just the words but, in an exclusive relationship, part of committing to each other. As far as timing in my experience we typically said it fairly early on -within the first months of dating and with rare exception before sex. The one exception I made I was uncomfortable making the exception and after 5 months he broke up with me because he was not that into me. I think I sensed that two months into things.

[petite]

I think that after the age of 25 dating someone 3+ months means you are completely exclusive and it isn't early to say you love them. A person can treat you like a rare diamond and care for you but it doesn't mean they love you.

 

I wouldn't judge my relationship based on other people's experiences. No two people are the same and no two relationships are the same. I think sometimes on ENA people express really raw emotions and opinions and over analyze a lot instead of just living in the real world. Everyone has an opinion on everything, which is the beauty of such a forum because you get to see so many different views and opinions - although it doesn't mean that they know what you feel or how your boyfriend/partner treats you.

 

Sometimes we see people act superior because they went through something and it's been a good lesson and they overcame it. But, seriously it doesn't mean that those who did not go through say infidelity, child loss, divorce and so on don't appreciate their relationships or partners or that they don't have that depth in their relationships.

 

I believe for a relationship to last there has to be more than just someone treating you nicely. If one can't say they love you, then that (at least to me) shows how strong and important those words are and that truly, they might not actually love with all their heart. They don't have to always say it but if you're going to be in a serious monogamous relationship then one should know the person they are essentially sharing their time with actually loves them.

 

I treat everyone nicely. I'm nice to the shop girl at my local milk bar, the grocer where I buy my groceries, my friends, acquaintances - but only my husband gets that true depth of real love from me. Only he gets to hear me say I love you in that special way.

If you're having a horrible day and you're crying, depressed and feeling low, a hug is great, but a friend can give a hug, only your partner can say they love you and actually make you feel better by saying it because no matter how horrible life can get knowing you have that special person and that they love you really does help.

 

How we were raised of course plays a factor. For example in my family the love word wasn't thrown at just anyone but my parents definitely expressed their love for us through actions and words. So for me, I'd never actually be happy in a relationship where I couldn't have both. That being said, my husband was raised in a family that doesn't often say they love one another, they do at times, but it isn't sometimes you hear often. I don't typically hear him tell his family he loves them (except our little niece) but he definitely expresses it to me. Now that we have a child he always tells her he loves her in a very adorable way, and honestly I think if he didn't it wouldn't sit right with me. I want our daughter to know we love her. I want her to grow up knowing she is loved by her parents and to not be afraid of expressing love. It's nice seeing the person you love tell your child he loves her. It's nice telling your child you love them and kissing them and making them smile and just feeling that deep love.

It's nice making love to your partner and hearing them say they love you.

 

I'm rambling now, but I guess my point is if you want someone to express those words it's normal. If you're okay with waiting that's normal too. Whatever works for you, however if you know that hearing such words matters in a long term relationship then of course it shouldn't just be forgotten.

You don't want to wake up a year from now not knowing whether a person loves you.

[justagirl2]

Eh, I didn't normally put that much thought into the "I love you". My dad, for example, loves my sister and I unconditionally and never says I love you. I don't think he says that to his wife either. I think it depends on the person. M is definitely very vocal. He says he loves his mom, dad, brother and dog very often. Haha. Specially the puppy.

 

Ugh, so yesterday ended up being kind of a disaster on my catastrophic mind. We had sex for a long time but neither of us reached orgasm. Sorry for the TMI, but this was the first time ever he didn't. We have sex basically every night. It was just so... weird. I got all insecure thinking he doesn't love me or is not attracted to me anymore. He sensed I was insecure, and he was insecure too and apologizing. It was just an awkward/uncomfortable situation and both of us were a bit insecure. We also talked about the love thing after, not if we love each other, but how we view it and he said that when he says "I love you" to a SO he means forever. Well, for me that implied that he still loves his exes? Ugh, I'm just super insecure today.

 

I guess I feel like I'm in such a time bomb because of kids and all my friends getting married that I'm putting a lot of pressure on my mind that this relationship HAS to work or it will ruin my timeframe. It's making me enjoy it less because I'm currently worried that he will end it and my timeline for marriage/kids will be derailed. That's a horrible mindset.

 

I mean, it's less about how I feel about him. I do like him a lot. But, if I was 22, I think I'd be taking this a lot more easily. I wouldn't be worried and would just live the relationship. But, since I'm 27, it feels like this is MY shot at making things right and getting married and having kids at my mental deadline. I do think I basically do a good job on not showing the insecurity, but it def. comes out at times, like yesterday. Ugh.

 

I have friends visiting me for this whole month, starting today. I won't be able to see M every day like we've been seeing each other. That's making me insecure too but in the end I think it will be for the best.

 

Just basically super insecure about the sex thing last night and I want to get out of the mind frame that I'm a ticking time bomb so I can actually enjoy my relationship. At least the 3 friends who are visiting me are my age and single so I guess it will help me feel more at ease about all this. I wish M is the one, but I don't want to live this relationship thinking that if he's not, I'm going to die. You know?

[Batya33]

I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself especially since a number of your friends who marry/start families now will be divorced (and that is not to be negative about relationships just realistic -it's not a race and marriage is not the finish line -it might be the beginning or it might be the beginning of a time period of marriage followed by divorce). Throw away your deadline and get real.

 

Real: If you want biological children you probably want to be in a position where you are married and trying to conceive by your late 30s. However, egg freezing is more and more viable and that can extend your fertile years of course. Make sure you are getting regular check ups by your gynecologist and staying healthy and STD-free. Unrealistic: thinking you have to have children in your early 30s so you will have the energy, etc. -that is all highly individual -I have more energy in my 40s for a number of reasons than I would have in my 20s.

 

You have to stop thinking about it as a race/competition. Another thing -you have no idea whether your married friends will be able to have children/will be able to have healthy children. I hope each and every one of them who wants children is - I really do -but again, reality is different so don't feel like they won some sort of prize.

 

As far as the sexual issue - this is a downside of having sex earlier on - my guess is that if you had waited until you two had told each other you loved each other then you would feel less insecure about an off night (or a "can't get off night" ......;-)). That's my opinion with which many might disagree. Upside: you've had months of amazing sex starting when you first met him so having one off night is no big deal.

[justagirl2]

Yeah, I guess right now I'm not worried about the night off at all because most of my friends have reported similar issues. We were both just super tired yesterday. I guess I'm more stressed about the pressure I'm putting on myself and your post eased that up a bit.

 

I told M to be overly sweet to me today because I was insecure about last night. I thought he would have forgotten. Instead, he just texted me: "You were really good to me last night baby. Excited to see you tomorrow. I'll catch up on the Kennedys so we can watch the Apes movie together ".

 

He knows I really want to watch the new Planet of the Apes movie. I mean, I think an off sex night is normal?

 

It's def. the downside of having sex early on, but I don't find it realistic to wait. However, you are right. This is the downside.

[Batya33]

That's fine that you don't find it realistic but you are being realistic in accepting the downside. I would drop the subject and if it happens again discuss it only when you are fully clothed and not having sex - if you have to discuss it at all. I wouldn't unless it becomes a real pattern for a significant period of time.

[annie24]

This is just my opinion (fresh off a failed relationship) - I felt i needed to know what was the direction we were going in because we were dating for over 6 months, no ILY, he was pretty evasive/upset when I brought it up though insisted on staying together, and also I am starting to look for jobs, so I wanted to know if I should focus my job search in his area or expand it. On top of that, there was the idea being floated around of him moving to Africa (though he mentioned to a friend in front of me that I might go with him). So... I really needed to have some clarity on the situation... which now i finally have. sigh.

 

I think what happened to you last night was a one-off, it happens, don't worry about it. I think if you want to keep the relationship moving forward, just focus on having good experiences and dates together, have fun together, get to know him, don't worry too much about it now. You just started your new job and your relationship is still now. Now, if in a year from now, you have an offer from your company to go to Singapore or wherever to live, you will probably have to discuss this decision with him and where you guys stand. But for now, there doesn't seem to be a reason to really panic yet, know what i mean??

 

hugs