Just a journal, by justagirl.

[annie24]

My littlest niece loves Peppa Pig too!! hehe. She's obsessed with it.

[justagirl2]

That's great advice Batya. Specially because like you said, I think she's just a tactless person in general. She's a bit socially awkward and that reflects in the way she deals with me. But she's actually a kind hearted woman and I really don't think she is mean spirited. The comment didn't even bother much because it was so outrageous. I also noticed the naïveté in her tone instead of a super condescending one. It was just lack of tact and not knowing how to behave socially that well.

[notalady]

It's an interesting point on parenting. Growing up, my parents never once told me or said to anyone that I was special. My dad said to me, you are just like any other kid, you're normal, have fun, study hard, be a good kid. That's all. They realise that I may be special to them and their actions have always reflected that, but not to the outside world, and I can't grow up thinking that I am, because there's gonna be a harsh wake up call waiting for me down the track.

 

I do find people who I met that grew up being taught they are special or that they are the greatest tend to be overachievers and have a hard time handling failures in life.

[sophie274]

HUGE GENERALIZATION COMING UP HERE:

 

Sometimes, I think a lot of Americans are particularly clueless when it comes to foreigners and foreignness, and don't know what to say, and don't know much about other parts of the world, and end up saying some really stupid things. Have you ever seen my Big Fat Greek Wedding? The scene where the girl meets the parents, and they talk about how the dad had a Greek secretary, and then say no she was Armenian, and is that close to Greece, and then end up remembering that she is Guatamalan? If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch it! They mean well but they just sound ridiculously stupid.

 

I say this because obviously I was born abroad and my dad isn't American, and people will make the strangest comments. If I say I grew up where I did, people will say things like oh yeah I can hear that accent or wow, your English is pretty good (snort). When I visited my grandparents in August and told a nurse at my grandma's nursing home where I lived, she said she recognized the accent. LOL, obviously I don't have any sort of accent from where I live now. When my dad says he's Swiss people constantly talk about Sweden (sometimes even Swaziland, no joke). And I know all these people mean well, and are just trying to connect and make conversation. They're just terribly awkward about it and very limited in their knowledge of the world.

 

Gosh, even my mother, who is well-educated and has traveled plenty can make the dumbest comments and assumptions about where I am now and the people here.

 

I think you're right to think she's just clueless. She probably even thinks she was making interesting conversation. Don't sweat it (I know you aren't).

[justagirl2]

Growing up my teachers always told me I was "special" but definitely not my parents. I remember two instances, one when my Kindergarten teacher told my mom (with me by her side) that my best friend and I wouldn't be close friends because I was way smarter than her. Well, news flash dear teacher, we are STILL best friends over 20 years later. I was smarter than her in school (reading, writing) and I learned to swim way before her - but she was a much better ballerina. I was actually held back in Ballet and my best friend was one of the best ones in the class. So I kind of always saw our strengths as evened out? We did everything together, we lived in the same building, same class at school, same ballet and swimming classes. Then in first grade I vividly remember in the school's Halloween party my teacher putting me in her lap and telling her husband that I was the best student in the first grade. I guess these teachers made me feel more "special" than my parents.

 

My dad is a huge pessimist, he always prepared me for what could go wrong in life. He never praised me, he simply thought that doing well in school was just normal. He wasn't overly harsh if I did badly either though - specially as my mother's condition progressed. I remember in 7th grade he told my teacher to be kind with me because I was going through some hardships at home. I was MORTIFIED when my teacher came to tell me that because I always wanted to be treated normally, no matter what was going on at home. I kind of feel like once things got really bad at home my dad was just proud of me for "surviving" and being a good kid. He really stopped putting any pressure on me and actually was very "easy" on me. I feel like he felt like because I was going through such a traumatic time at home, there was NO way I could be a great student, or an accomplished career woman. He was simply so proud that I was surviving. I kind of think it made me much less accomplished throughout high school. If he had believed in me more maybe I would have done even better. But then again, he made me feel loved/safe/strong no matter what I did which actually kind of made failures seem ok? My dad is kind of an old school man, so I think he kind of always thought the most important thing for me is to have a good marriage/family life. He's BEYOND proud of everything I've accomplished - which seems belittling to me at times. I mean, it's like he didn't believe in me and that's why he's so proud.

 

It's strange. I guess sometimes I get a little sad because I remember those instances when I was little and my teachers had so much faith in me - and I know I had SO much potential. But then my mom turned into a total wreck and my dad started coddling me and I just ended up underachieving, in my opinion. At the same time, I do think I'm doing just fine with my career and I don't really care about being a big CEO. I'd actually rather have a balanced life and a nice family. I care more about finding the right partner and raising children in a safe and loving environment. I feel like a job is just much more replaceable. I could work with different things and be happy without the job needing to be perfect or the most high paying. The family/partner thing just seems more irreplaceable/special to me. So I guess my dad was right once again?

 

I don't know what's the deal with M. He said his parents were always pretty chill and he just was a nerdy kid and loved studying. It doesn't seem like it was anything imposed on him. His parents are also really stable, even though they divorced. It's nothing like what I went through with my mom. I mean, it was sad that his parents separated, but they are both relative stable, present and loving. I think his biggest competition is with his brother, being just a little over 1 year apart. They have a weird love/must compete relationship but I guess it's normal when siblings are so close in age. His brother is more book smart, but M is definitely more charismatic. They always joke that it's the CEO and the CFO. I think it's funny but M really admires his brother's strengths and his brother really admires M's strengths. It's just weird that they seem to bring up a lot of each other's insecurities though. M gets legit broody when he sees his brother in his new home with his amazingly talented fiancé. I mean, not in a jealous way. He loves his brother a lot. But, I can tell he feels like his brother is "ahead" right now and that environment just reminds him of his failed relationship/job. It's a big source of his "broodiness".

 

Random ramblings.

[Batya33]

I don't think my parents told me I was "special" in that way (other than special to them, loved by them). As far as Americans being clueless I think anytime there is an individual in one place who meets an individual from another geographic area assumptions can be made or expressed in clueless ways if the person is not well-traveled or well-read/familiar with other cultures, places ,etc. My hope is that my son will be very well-traveled like my husband is. I am somewhat less so but an avid reader and an avid sponge of different cultures/backgrounds/ethnicities considering where and how I grew up and I would never say the things you wrote about (and no I don't think them either).

[sophie274]

That's so true Batya (about anytime one person meets another person), and I didn't mean it doesn't happen all over the world. I guess I just wanted to say how I've experienced lots of well-meaning people say lots of clueless things about my family being (half) foreign, and that I know they're just trying to relate or say something interesting.

[justagirl2]

Batya - You seem very cultured. I don't think it's about being well travelled. I mean, it's great if you are, but it's something more internal I guess. M's mother is very well-travelled. Just got back from Italy and leaving to Sweden tomorrow. Yet, she still says weird things. Whereas some people didn't travel as much but read a lot or just have a much better understanding of the world in general.

 

Soph - I do totally get your points though! Miss you girl.

[BigKK]

I roll my eyes to myself when people find out English is my second language and afterwards they say things like "yeah I can hear the accent now" hahaha, I don't have an accent, I occasionally over-enunciate, due to teaching myself to read and hitting ev-ery syl-la-ble. Regardless, I know what you mean sophie.

 

I will argue you slightly though, it is usually an American bashing thing where people say the US is clueless, I am not defending that. But I've traveled a lot, and have met Europeans that are just as clueless, they don't know a single thing about the US besides wars, Obama, Bush, and pop culture. Wait no, I'll go further, a lot of times they only care about their tiny country, I'll mention things about neighboring countries, and they're completely oblivious. Once again, my own experience, but I definitely have seen it go both ways. So I sometimes will compare it to that. Of course Europeans will know more about their own continent. The fact that you live here, and experience that...then the presumption is that Americans are clueless while the rest of the world is enlightened.

 

A Serbian girl once told me she thinks sometimes her school systems taught so much "almanac-like" information that ended up being completely useless.

[sophie274]

I certainly don't think Americans are the only clueless ones or more clueless as a whole (I do think geography is taught very poorly or basically not taught in most of the US though). And I hate it myself when everyone hates on Americans so I certainly didn't mean to do that. I just think a lot of Americans (not all and not even saying most) have a tendency to try to relate or say something interesting when they talk to foreigners that is well-intentioned but ends up sounding clueless. Like, as I said before, that person I met in August who upon finding out where I lived said she could totally recognize my accent. Which was the equivalent of hearing from an American college student that she's studying abroad in China and saying oh yeah you sound Chinese. Lol. I know she was just trying to make conversation, but it was still a bit odd.

[Batya33]

Reminds me of the I Love Lucy where she calls her father in law a big fat pig in Spanish, by mistake, because she was trying to impress him with her Spanish skills ...

[BigKK]

I will agree the US school system as a whole...Geography probably is one of the worst subjects!

[justagirl2]

I will agree the US school system as a whole...Geography probably is one of the worst subjects!

 

That's one of the reasons that if I do end up having kids on the US, I will put them on a private school with a very international culture/environment.

 

To be fair, I feel very welcomed to the US. I am Brazilian and all the Americans seem to love Brazil and be very positive about it. I feel the opposite of prejudice most times, to be honest.

 

I love the US. It's not for everyone, but I think it's much more welcoming of diversity and foreigners than a lot make it out to be. There are some ignorant people? Sure. But you'll find them everywhere.

[justagirl2]

So, M and I had a great Thanksgiving with his family and friends. It was mostly a really great time. We had dinner and spent the night at his brother's home in the Suburbs. It was really fun.

 

At night we had a bit of drama. M was super tired and went to bed early. I didn't drink at all. Only about a glass of wine. M didn't drink much at all either. I stayed downstairs hanging with everyone a little longer than he did, then when I got up I slipped and fell. Then when I went to get water I slipped and fell AGAIN. The room we were sleeping in was slippery or something. So M got SUPER serious and worried that I was drunk and wanted to take me home. I kept saying I wasn't drunk and he was just very worried/mad because I felt twice. After talking to me for 2 minutes, he realized I was, in fact, fine. I don't know it just REALLY bothered me how he thought I was crazy drunk. I mean, I would never let that happen. I was really hurt about the way he spoke with me. He apologized and said he was just super scared because his stepmom died of an alcohol overdose and he was the one who had to call 911 so it just scares him. Well, ok, I guess by falling twice it could have made him worried but I mean, don't he know me better by now?

 

Also, a little stress about his ex texting him. She always makes herself "known" on special dates. It's just annoying that she has to text him so much. I really don't mind some times, but does she really need to text him every holiday/birthday/special event? It's too much. I told him how I felt about it and that I won't talk about it again but that I wish he'd respect me and not engage in the texting. He said I was being controlling at first and then understood me.

 

Lastly, he's been saying "I love you" to me in passing for a while. Just like, "Aww you are so cute, I love you". But not in a serious manner. So we were talking later and I asked him about it and he said he is still not ready to really say "I love you". For him, saying "I love you" means forever. He asked if that's how I felt about him and I said that I love him but for me it didn't really mean "forever". It means that for now I really like him, and do love him but I'm not sure if it in a forever manner. So, we concluded that we have different definitions for "I love you" so I guess I'm just not going to be talking about this either anymore. Let it go for a few months and NOT say "I love you" to him because we don't mean it in the same way.

 

This morning things were really good and we drove around looking at houses he wants to buy. I told him I'm not going to buy it with him so he is going to buy it on his own. He does say he wants me to move in with him so wants me to help him look at the homes so I'm happy to look at it. I told him I still needed time to decide if I wanted to move in with him/talk to my family about it but that I support him if he wants to buy a house. Then as we were driving back to the city we stopped to look at puppies and decided we want to get a puppy.

 

I mean, it confuses me how he still doesn't feel like he can say the "real" I love you to me yet wants to move in and get a puppy together in the near future?

 

I really do love him though. In my way. Not in a "forever and ever" way. I don't know if this is forever. I don't know if you can ever know these things. I think the fact that I really like me really scares me though. I don't think I've felt this way about anyone. SO scared of losing someone that seems SO close. I dunno. I keep worrying if I screwed everything up by falling last night. I wish I had been more careful? Then when he asked should I just have said that I'm also not ready to say that big I love you instead of saying I do love you but in my own way. UGH. I love him. I'm so scared of losing him. I feel like we have something so amazing with the potential to be so great that these little things just scare me SO SO SO much.

[annie24]

Lol, were you wearing crazy shoes on a slippery surface?? You might want to invest in some 'heel grip stickers' to put on the bottoms of your shoes if that was the case.

 

I understand why you are upset about his ex texting him, but that's beyond his control, you know? if she is texting him, i guess he can not respond. Like is the exchange like her saying, "Hi M - thinking of you and want to wish you and your family a happy thanksgiving!!!!!" and he says, "Thanks, same to you." If that's it, then i wouldn't worry. If it goes on and on, that would bug me.

 

Anyway....... I probably wouldn't move in with a man unless he can say the L word. Just too messy. Easier to just hang out together and maintain separate apartments until the "love" is established. My 2 cents. You don't need to make a decision today or tomorrow either.

[justagirl2]

Lol girl, I was actually BAREFOOT. I don't know what got to me. Slippery + dark room.

 

Oh, if we moved in together it would be in 6 months. I expect him to say "I love you" to me in the next 2 months max. I mean, how can he move in with someone if he can't say "I love you"? I certainly can't.

 

Ideally, to be honest, I'd like to wait 1 more year before moving in. But if he wants to do it earlier, I'd prob consider it I guess provided we both love each other.

[missmarple]

Obviously, to him, moving in together doesn't mean you'll be together 'for ever'. I would definitely not move in with someone if they couldn't say they love me and I wonder what 'moving in with someone' means to him and why would he even suggest it when he's not in love (according to his definition of course).

As for the whole ex texting thing, I wouldn't be ok with it unless they had become friends and the relationship had ended years ago. In any other case, I wouldn't want him to reply at all.

[justagirl2]

mm - I agree. He does mean moving in around June time so I do think he thinks he will "love" me by then. It hasn't been 5 months yet. Also, I've noticed M needs to get introduced to topics before he's ready for it. It was the same with my first ex. For example, when I mentioned exclusivity, he danced around it about not being ready. Less than 1 week later he was suggesting it. When I mentioned girlfriend/boyfriend, he reacted the same way. He said a girlfriend means a lot to him and he's not ready for the title yet. Less than 1 month later he introduced me as his girlfriend. I'm very antsy, and he always tell me to be patient with him that I will get everything. And so far it's been that way. So I do think he will maybe get there eventually and with my previous boyfriends I did kind of have to ask first, they weren't ready, then after a while they were. I think it's relatively normal.

 

The ex thing bothers me more than the love thing. It was only a "happy turkey day" and that's it but still, I mean, will she send him a text on every holiday/special occasion forever?

 

Honestly, M is a serious guy. I do think he means something very serious when he thinks about moving in/having a puppy with someone. He's just really committed and hates not following through on his promises/commitments. But, if he can't say he loves me by the next few months, there's no way in heck I'm going to move in with him.

 

Another thing that I would like advice on is that I act SOOOO myself around M. I am SUPER goofy. That's my personality. Dance parties, singing off tune, being a lil crazy. I am that way. I've always made everyone around me laugh for days but "feminine" side, "hotness'. But, I dunno but M makes me be SO myself all the time. I've become pretty much my goofy self around him already. I'm scared this will turn him off me as a women. Should we be ourselves or tone down? #confused.

 

Also, last but not least, M just invited me to his brother's wedding. He just set a date on the week of July today. M forwarded me his plane tickets and told me I was invited and he wants me to come. It's abroad. I'm a little irked by the fact he didn't buy both tickets tomorrow and instead bought his and then forwarded it to me? I mean, it's abroad so I'm not saying he should have paid for me, but he could have bought it together and I'd pay him later. Then again, when we bought tickets for Brazil I made a big deal about buying it separately because I didn't want that burden on his credit card so I guess I can't complain.

 

Well, he invited me to his brother's wedding in July. Safe to say he doesn't think we'll break-up this week because of my falls. Silly me?

[missmarple]

Another thing that I would like advice on is that I act SOOOO myself around M. I am SUPER goofy. That's my personality. Dance parties, singing off tune, being a lil crazy. I am that way. I've always made everyone around me laugh for days but "feminine" side, "hotness'. But, I dunno but M makes me be SO myself all the time. I've become pretty much my goofy self around him already. I'm scared this will turn him off me as a women. Should we be ourselves or tone down?

 

I'm exactly like you and it's never made guys go off me..all my ex bf's, ex husband included, liked my 'goofiness'..lol Nothing to worry about there.

 

Also, last but not least, M just invited me to his brother's wedding. He just set a date on the week of July today. M forwarded me his plane tickets and told me I was invited and he wants me to come. It's abroad. I'm a little irked by the fact he didn't buy both tickets tomorrow and instead bought his and then forwarded it to me? I mean, it's abroad so I'm not saying he should have paid for me, but he could have bought it together and I'd pay him later. Then again, when we bought tickets for Brazil I made a big deal about buying it separately because I didn't want that burden on his credit card so I guess I can't complain.

 

Well, he invited me to his brother's wedding in July. Safe to say he doesn't think we'll break-up this week because of my falls. Silly me?

 

Considering it's HIS brother's wedding and it's abroad, I think he should have handled it differently. It's not the same as deciding to go somewhere together, the 2 of you, and you insist on buying your own ticket. I don't know, I would, at least, offer to pay for half of the ticket if I invited my bf to my family's event and it was abroad. How is he with money, in general?

 

As for inviting you for July so you won't break-up this week, etc, I suggest you stop thinking like that. I know it's easier said than done but you REALLY need to get rid of that mentality. What's the worst thing that could happen? That he will breakup with you tonight? So what? It won't be the end of the world, no matter how much you love the guy. I promise you

[Batya33]

I like Miss Marple's approach and I agree that inviting you to something next July simply means that right now he believes you will be together then. I know of many breakups that involve plane/concert tickets, other plans -including some of my own, big time. Just focus on getting to know him now. I actually would stop looking at houses and puppies - it is too fast considering he is not ready to tell you he loves you (whatever his definition). I know -more convenient to look at houses in advance but I would stop the big future plans until you are much closer to being engaged - it's too confusing for you. Worst is - he proposes and you rent for awhile. Many people do that.

 

As far as his assumption that you were drunk - look, he knows that he gets drunk - he knows that you have gotten drunk- and he is very familiar with alcohol and its effects, it was late and he was worried.

 

 

As far as avoiding topics I think the deal is that he is skittish about serious commitment related topics. For example, he needed no convincing to have sex with you, it was his idea to invite you to family events, weddings, etc. And that's ok - you haven't been dating that long.

 

As far as the ex - if he is texting her back when you are there and it's not a life/death emergency then it's rude. He can't stop her from texting him and it might be too awkward to block her.

[justagirl2]

I think the "catch" about not buying my tickets for the wedding is because last time we bought tickets together, I firmly told him I would get mine through miles. We were buying tickets to my best friend's wedding in MY home country and he wanted to buy them together on his card and I said no, let's get them separate. His brother's wedding will be in the Bahamas, so the tickets are more than 2x less expensive than the tickets to my hometown. I mean, I didn't offer to buy his tickets, did I? Why should he get mine? I think it was more of him thinking that I would want to get my via miles that's why he forwarded the tickets to me the second he bought them. Still, I agree it doesn't mean we will survive until then because of this wedding.

 

If we do survive until then it will be because of companionship, love, care, commitment...

[justagirl2]

So today we were out with a lot of our friends. 5 of my girl friends and about 5 of his guy friends. We had a lot of fun. He was such a gentleman to all of my friends.

 

I left to sleep at my place because my friend is staying over and she just arrived today. He texted me: "I love you." I mean, we just had the convo two days ago and he wasn't ready for it. He has NEVER texted me that.

 

Did he think about it and decided that he does love me?

 

updated: I point blank asked him. I said: you wrote you loved me. Do you? He said: "yes".

[annie24]

awww!!!! i dunno - it's hard to tell right now. maybe he thought about it some more?? I dunno. in any case, it's a positive thing.

[justagirl2]

I asked him. He said he does. I think he did think some more because 2 days ago he wasn't ready to say it. He even gave me a timeline of february because I was asking for a timeline. I then said february seemed like a good timeline and he said he might surprise me before that but asked me not to keep asking about it. I didn't ask about it at all today he just said it. Then I asked and he confirmed he meant it

[annie24]

awwww that's great.