notalady Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Travelling in big groups is stressful. And I agree they're too old for partying like this. Aren't they around 30 now? What does M think of all this? Like what does he think of the druggie friend and does he want to do more of trips like this? One of my good friends is definitely not a good travel partner for me and travelling together (even just in a small group) had caused me to harbour some resentment for her at the time, although everything was peaceful and there was only a minor disagreement that was sorted quickly. I think our personality just clash and can't spent long periods of time together. Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 They've been doing this together for over 10 years so it's a tradition but it's clear that it's time for a break. M is worried about the friend. He tries to avoid gossiping about things but today I heard him admit that this kid may need an intervention as he's out of control. I think he's torn. Part of him feels like he is responsible for these NYE trips and it's a good feeling to be with his friends but at the same time he can sense it's time to grow up. His brother, for example, is totally mature and younger. I mean, half of the trip is clearly mature and not into the craziness. The problem is not all of them "grew up" which is normal in a group of longtime guy friends. I think M will do something smaller next year and invite the more "chill" crew. This is a little insane. One of the guys got so drunk and got into a fight with so many people at our hotel. It's embarrassing. They are individually great people. I really do like all of them. But, together, sometimes they seem like a bunch of over-priviledged, ignorant Americans in foreign soil trying to act like the kings of the world. They are just all super successful and platinum hotel members before 30, staying in fancy hotel suites. Not even my dad who is almost 60 and has done SUPER well for himself will splurge like these guys did with the hotel rooms. It just makes them feel invincible. It's not a vibe that impresses me. M is the sweetest and tries very hard to keep everyone happy and under control, but there comes a time when he needs to realize he can't take care of 30 year old men. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 M sounds sounds like a bit of a people pleaser, am I right? I really hope you can convince him to break away, either just with or with some of the chill people, and do something fun and relaxing. Just leave the druggies back at the hotel. You're in a difficult country, don't spend it babysitting someone or you'll regret it because it's money wasted when you could have had an awesome time! I think excessive drinking past the age of 22/23 gets to super old, super fast. I don't think cocaine is a good idea in general but I think anyone who does it outside of college-age probably has a problem. Sadly, not everyone grows up. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm sorry about the drama. Make sure that you are far away from any connection to the cocaine especially in a foreign country -please stay safe (and I mean criminally safe I know you don't do cocaine!). Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 We got back tonight. Everything ended relatively in control. To be honest, aside from the guy who was doing cocaine, the petty drama and drinking in NYE would be normal with any group of friends I'd hangout with for a New Years trip. The cocaine was the only thing that seemed too much and just out of control to me. M was amazing. He was great to me, to his brother, to his friends. I love the boys. And the girlfriends. Like I said, they are smart, nice boys. They just get a little too rowdy when all together specially in a night like NYE. They've been friends for over 10 years so it's understandable that they will be drama. I got really close to the guys. M has a work brunch tomorrow and I'm actually going to brunch with 2 of the guys who went on the trip with us and 2 of my girl friends. M and I are going to look at houses tomorrow too. Everything is fine really. I got a little worried for a second that people would fight or a disaster would happen, but in the end everything stayed relatively in control. M is at home with the guys and asked if I want to come over but I'm honestly in my bed and want to have a night alone here. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'm glad you had a good time! I just want to hibernate for a bit in my own bed with my own stuff when I get back from a trip too! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'm glad everything turned out ok and that you and M are getting along well. Hopefully the friend who does coke won't come next time. Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Everything is going very well. We are approaching our 6th month together this month. We are going to his family's home in the British Virgin Islands for the long weekend later this month and I'll meet his grandparents and get a lot of sun. I'm excited for that. We've been looking for houses that we'd like to move in together for the next 6 months - would be July 1st. We understand the complexions of buying together but neither of us want to keep renting since we both have saved a substantial amount of money to be able to use as a down payment - instead of paying thousands of monthly rent. My father is incredibly ok with the situation - if we get everything legally written out - the house is 50/50 and when either party wants to sell the other has to agree - he sees zero harm. My dad is quite traditional so it's helping me see that the idea is not as crazy as previously thought. M's brother has been weird about it. First he wanted to act as our broker (he's a licensed lawyer) and was all cheery about this. Now he's acting like M is doing something crazy. I mean, he's the 28 year old who bought a huge house in a bad neighborhood in Jersey to move in with his girlfriend after 2-3 months of dating. I mean, I understand this concern but who is he to judge? It's like the blind leading the blind? They are very competitive with each other and I think the brother is jealous we can afford a really nice ~2 million house and he couldn't. His fiancé has no income basically as she's a prominent fashion designer but she lives more of media than real cash earnings. Anyways, we will probably have to find another broker because the brother has too much emotional involvement in this. M and I know our relationship, it's not right for him to meddle even if it comes from a good place. I will wait until March to put an offer on the house as that's when M will go to my hometown and meet my family. But seriously, I personally don't want to rent in the city anymore. I have money to purchase an asset and I want to do it. So does M. It seems logical to me to do it together if we make sure the legal documents are well explained and fair. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I'm invited to the house warming party?? Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 It's still going to be at LEAST 6 months if it happens!! But sure! haha Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Sure -you're aware of all the risks and downsides of going in 50/50 on a house where you both have to agree to sell as opposed to owning your own property and you think the benefits outweigh the risks. Makes perfect sense to me. As far as his brother - just the old cliche of don't mix business and personal affairs (or at least avoid it). You're smart to get your own broker. Link to comment
BigKK Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I'm with Batya, while it is awesome you're looking to buy a house...I would only be looking to buy a house with someone that I have a deeper commitment with (engagement/marriage). The difference between M and his brother (from the sounds of it) is he bought a house to be with a girl, but didn't buy it WITH a girl. Things can get tricky when you mix finances early on...deciding on renovations, bills, etc. Furthermore, you don't even know how the two of you will mesh...sometimes two individuals just don't work well living together and it falls apart. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I'm with Batya, while it is awesome you're looking to buy a house...I would only be looking to buy a house with someone that I have a deeper commitment with (engagement/marriage). The difference between M and his brother (from the sounds of it) is he bought a house to be with a girl, but didn't buy it WITH a girl. Things can get tricky when you mix finances early on...deciding on renovations, bills, etc. Furthermore, you don't even know how the two of you will mesh...sometimes two individuals just don't work well living together and it falls apart. I agree with this distinction as far as ownership. Can each of you say no to selling arbitrarily? That could cost one of you lots of $ depending on the real estate market and how many buyers you have, etc. And do you really want to deal with him about selling if you two are no longer a couple? Obviously that is true with divorce too -I'm talking about the level of the risk with a new, unmarried couple entering into this level of joint financial transaction. You see it as saving $ - I think it's a gamble -you could lose a lot of $ structuring it this way plus have to either deal with the stress of negotiating with an ex-bf or spend lots of $ hiring someone to mediate or hiring a lawyer. Again I am only responding to the previous post. Perhaps I should be more deferential and assume you've done this risk-benefit analysis. Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 We did. In the papers - both parties agree to sell if one party wants to sell. This is all personal, but I would NOT do it the way his brother did. For me it takes the balance out of the relationship. If I am moving in with someone, I want to be moving in to a house where we both own, we both have responsibilities to it. I would not feel comfortable moving into someone's house who was not my husband. I like the idea of doing this jointly. I do understand that risks, but there are risks in everything in life. We are not doing this thinking it will go wrong. We want this to work. We firmly believe it will. But, we understand that it's important to have the legal aspects of it in order because such is life. Link to comment
notalady Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 It's good that the legal papers require the other to agree to sell if one wants to sell. How are you guys handling the loan side of thing? Assuming there will be a mortgage. I have seen couples that broke up and one of them refuse to pay their half of the loan, and she ended up paying for both of them so the bank get off their back. Selling could also be a difficult process where you co-own the house (eg one person may not be happy with the price and refuse to settle, even though on principal and legally they agree to sell). There are many things that can go wrong, but with that being said, it's no different to the process you may have to go through if you were married and get divorced. People usually leave it till later in the relationship when they are more certain about the relationship longevity, ie less likely they'll have to go through the painful process of splitting assets etc. another consideration is that if later in the relationship you feel like you should break up, the house may act as a deterrent for you to leave because of the amount of hassle that you'll have to go through (again, seen it happen). but if you feel comfortable doing it now and feel well protected legally, that's fine as well, after all, all the cases I've see were after years of dating, that clearly made no difference to how painful the process was lol.. Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 I understand the ups and downs. I would be making all my payment in cash and my boyfriend would be making half of his in cash so we would pay over 70% of the down payment and he would be the only party responsible for the mortgages on the legal papers. I'm not from the US so taking a mortgage is not very interesting to me whereas it is to him as an American. Anyways, the point is, yeah, it's a big step, but we want to do this. The alternative would be to rent together in the city for another year which would mean over half of our salaries going to the trash to rent when we have the down payment to actually purchase an asset. It doesn't really make financial sense. But, if we find that renting for another year is safer, I guess I'm game to do it too. My dad prefers that I buy but he also wants me to be aware that there needs to be some well-written legal papers in place. It's how life is. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I know I'm going to sound like a negative Nancy here.... I bought my condo in 2005/2006 at the height of the real estate market. Then the stock market bubble burst and home prices plummeted. I know some people who bought in my condo building at the same time as me, and were also out of work and had no way to pay. They couldn't really sell either, or sell at a huge loss (like 30% of the worth). They were basically upside down on their mortgages. The first time I tried to sell my condo, I had 0 offers in 7 months. I held onto it longer, paying mortgage AND rent in my new city, which was incredibly painful. I was finally able to sell it last year - for the same price I bought it at. Thankfully. I broke even, but I know other people in my building did not. If you guys break up, AND the housing market goes downhill, you might be in trouble there. I mean, I obviously hope you guys buy the house and live happily ever after, but there's a lot of ways for this to go wrong. Just keep your eyes open. And make sure that if your name isn't on the mortgage, that it's still legally clear that it's 50% your house. anyway... just things to bring up with your lawyer. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 There are more alternatives -you can rent on your own or buy on your own and share physical space at a later time in the relationship. I wouldn't even think of the "well everything is a risk" -obviously that's true but is meaningless here -it's these specific risks in this specific situation that is under discussion here. The reason the legal papers are more complicated is because you two are not married. That's fine - but it's not because that's how life is -it's because of what you are choosing to do. Again I'm not saying it's a bad choice at all -just pointing out that buying with someone before you're married and especially when you don't know each other well is more complicated than if you are married and have been together long term. The good thing is that entering into this complicated business transaction for an expensive asset will certainly put your relationship to the test and you'll learn a whole lot more about each other and each other's families. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I would wonder why his brother seems to be against the idea. Yes, it could be because they are competitive, as you say. Or because he's jealous or something. But keep in mind that his brother knows M way better than you do. Could it be that he doesn't trust his judgement for some reason? Has M lived with someone else before? Also, have you thought about the fact that if you share the house, you'll have to 'share' his friends, too...including the one who does cocaine? Would you be willing to host big parties like M seems to like doing from time to time? Just some things to think about...apart from legal/financial matters. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I would wonder why his brother seems to be against the idea. Yes, it could be because they are competitive, as you say. Or because he's jealous or something. But keep in mind that his brother knows M way better than you do. Could it be that he doesn't trust his judgement for some reason? Has M lived with someone else before? Also, have you thought about the fact that if you share the house, you'll have to 'share' his friends, too...including the one who does cocaine? Would you be willing to host big parties like M seems to like doing from time to time? Just some things to think about...apart from legal/financial matters. Completely agree. And do you want to put this kind of stress on your newish relationship at this time (looking to buy a house is also stressful). Obviously all relationships have stresses -I'm talking about unnecessary stress. Link to comment
justagirl2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hey guys. Everything is fine with me. Having a rough time during the winter month (as per usual) but nothing too bad. I'm an equator-born girl(literally) so the North American cold brings a little depression in me. I made the decision NOT to buy the house with M. It was just my gut feeling, I wasn't/am not ready for it. I'm ok discussing renting a place together in the city when my lease runs out in the Summer but that's the most I can commit now. Our relationship is great. No real stresses. We've been hanging out with friends and family a lot and have a bunch of weekend/holiday trips planned. We are having a break tonight which I enjoy a ton. We really haven't been apart a night in the last... few weeks? This weekend it finally got to us and we had some arguments. It was super minor. Friday I had some wine after our really nice dinner that he took me to and we fought over what was on TV and I ended up crying. Lol. About comedy central or something. I hadn't cried with him at all or in a while but it was a mix of him being a little stressed at work and me honestly being a little homesick. Januarys are tough for me away from my home. Remember how happy I was that week I was home? Homesickness gets REAL during the winter for me. We dealt with it well though. We were both cranky this week as we are both also on a diet. But, in the end we talked about things and just got over it. We've been dating 6 months and never had a real argument so if we can't survive a cranky weekend then it's... a bigger problem. Lol. Also, I do feel like this week we finally let go of the house idea and he might resent me a little because he was so excited. But, he genuinely got my point of view and is supportive of my decision. Psychologically, I do think it played a little on his cranky-ness this weekend with me. I can't blame only him though. I've been dieting, homesick, HATING my career. So, I wasn't in the best head space this week either. I'm super complaining about my work which makes me seem just less driven than I am. M always really admired my ambition, drive and brain so it's frustrating for him to see me so DOWN about my career - almost like I don't care anymore. I do care a lot and am going to fight for it but it has been tough for me to find myself career-wise in NYC. I really don't want him to not admire me or to my dad not to admire me. But, more importantly, I need to get the gist of my career for myself. I need a passion and to find it and to work with it because I'm not a girl to just "float" through a job. It's not who I am or what makes me happy. I'm trying to be patient though because I know desperation just won't help me. So yeah, things aren't going bad, but they are not great either. Which is normal. Which is life. Specially for a SUMMER girl in the middle of the January cold. I guess my biggest fear right now is that M won't really believe that I'm actually a hard worker. I mean, he never saw me in my prime of my career or education - but I guess I can't live in that fear. I need to just keep my butt into gear and not for M or for my father's approval, for myself. Yesterday I had a HORRIBLE night. M and I were finally having a good time after our little argument the day before and I started feeling COMPLETELY sick to my stomach. I NEVER feel nauseous. EVER. It turns out I went to GNC for diet supplements and the GNC person gave me a multi-vitamin pack with 7 pills to take daily and my small frame just couldn't take it. I was peeing GREEN and just felt the most nauseous I ever felt in my life. My heart was racing and I was dizzy and having hot/cold flushes. I honestly just did not go to the hospital because I was reading all the vitamin reviews and so many people had those symptoms when taking it. So, I relaxed because I KNEW that it was the pills. It was my 2nd day taking them. Today I woke-up feeling MUCH better. Of course I didn't take the pills. I'm going to GNC tomorrow and returning them. GIRLS BE CAREFUL ABOUT THESE SUPPLEMENT/VITAMIN pills. Some of these things are strong. I baffles me that in a world where xanax, anti-depressants and ambien are considered SO dangerous a multipack vitamin kit that is sold like vegetables in the market actually seems WAY more dangerous. I tried to have some food today and my stomach handled it well. Like I said, feeling 90% better from yesterday but body still fighting the stomach nausea a little bit. I should be 100% tomorrow I think. I want to show those to my personal trainer before I return them to GNC just so I'm more knowledgeable about them because honestly it seemed SO strong. It reads something like, burn fat 16x faster. I mean 7 daily pills? I should have known but these fitness shops sell these pills as just vitamin supplements. Anyways, hope things improve a little because I've been a bit down but I have a feeling they will. Trying to remain positive. My life is great. Just like I said, a little bummed on the career front. Hoping things will get back into gear soon. Been relying on sleeping pills to sleep (NEVER mixing with alcohol though) and I know it's not ideal. But, it's important for me to get sleep so I don't fall into a deeper depression so I'm not worrying about it too much. I have therapy on Friday and will discuss things with her. Overall, I'm hopeful and just know it's normal to have some tougher times. In really positive news, my family is doing great and I'm almost back to my ideal weight - specially after the nausea debacle yesterday. That helped me lose the last 2 lbs. Lol. I kept thinking about how important health is last night when I was feeling so poor. So thankful for good health! #blessed Link to comment
notalady Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Good to hear you made up your mind about the house thing. I personally think you made a prudent decision. Looks like you guys had your first (?) fight! That's kinda cute though isn't it, I mean it's a first haha.. It did remind me of this article I read yesterday though, I think it's a good read and something to keep in mind in a relationship: don't sweat the small stuff. link removed Also on supplements and vitamins, it is my personal opinion that unless you have some kind of deficiency, you don't need them. You can get all these nutrients just from eating a wide variety of healthy natural foods (vegetables, meat, fruits etc). I've taken a multi-vitamin once, it turned my pee really yellow (too much vitamin c), although it is meant to be the required amount of nutrients for a day's worth (clearly not). Never taken any supplements again lol.. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 My urine is fluorescent yellow because I take a B complex supplement. Seriously, it could probably glow in the dark. Nothing harmful though. I have a deficiency though and I can't get enough from what I eat, so I take supplements. If I don't take B vitamins, my levels fall too low. I also take 4 calcium pills a day (at risk for bone fracture due to a med I'm on) and I also take Vitamin D. That being said, I think most people are totally fine without supplements provided that they are eating well. If you're eating well and can eat a normal amount, you're fine. Vegans/vegetarians must absolutely take B12, no question. But most people are fine. Diet pills are extremely dangerous. The only diet pill I used years ago was Alli. It's FDA approved. Not dangerous exactly but not pleasant either, unless you like the idea of pooping orange stuff uncontrollably. Anyway, enough about vitamins. I'm glad you listened to your gut about the house. You can always buy with him later down the road if you're still together and things work well with renting something together. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 More to write but those weren't vitamins -they were basically diet pills and who cares if they're from GNC. You're thin and petite - definitely not advised for someone like you. I'm glad you got over it quickly and won't take them again. I take vitamins after a meal -but just the normal multi and fish oil and some extra D. Never had a problem. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 M! I was just thinking of you and wondering how your fancy dinner went. I'm sorry you're feeling down ... I don't know what to say about your career other than I'm sure with a bit of time and reflection and maybe trying different things out you'll figure out what you want to do and what's right for you. I've been listening to this song lately and finding it hilarious (yes, I can pretty much understand it!!) and thinking of you: Link to comment
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