Just a journal, by justagirl.

[Batya33]

Right - to repeat I would not use geography as justification to spend all that time together- leave space to miss each other, continue your own lives, etc so that it's not full-on playing house from the get go. Just my humble opinion. Remember how unnerved you were when his phone died? If you had more space from each other you'd be less attached in that particular way - the neediness to hear from him constantly.

[notalady]

I think the problem with spending too much time together and bonding too fast is that you risk brushing off and justifying away red flags and flaws that you can't accept because you really like the guy. This is from my experience anwyay. It's just easier to think more clearly and logically when you go slower and leave a bit more space in the relationship.

 

Can it still work when you go fast? Sure, of course it can. I'm sure you'll be able to find a lot of examples where people went fast and it worked out just fine. If you are compatible, I don't think this would in anyway affect your long term rel, but incompatibility can takes time to reveal itself and going fast comes with the aforementioned risk when it does turn out that you are incompatible.

[sophie274]

lol, don't use me as an example!

 

A - it wasn't a few dates. By the time I decided to get a job here, it was 8 months since we'd met

B - I have very special circumstances

C - everyone told me I was insane and it would be a train wreck!

[annie24]

I mean, I don't understand where these theories that it's bad to move faster comes from.

 

well, in a totally abstract way (not talking about you and M - just in general) - going slower gives you more time to discover deal-breakers or other things like that. secret families, ex-wives, children, cocaine addictions. I was having drinks with a friend tonight, I don't remember the story, but her friend found out her new husband had a whole secret life and drug addictions. in fact, he hadn't paid any of their joint bills and was boozing their money away! i don't know how long they dated before they married, but it gives you a chance to discover big things like that.

 

then again, my parents married after knowing each other for 6 weeks. but that's a gamble. after 6 weeks, you really have no idea what you're going to get - you're just rolling the dice and hoping it works out. even if you have a ton of mutual friends and everyone says, 'he's a great guy' - you just never know.

[justagirl2]

My first ex, G, who brought me to ENA got married last night. That is so weird but I really feel nothing about it. Just a curiosity to see photos! I'm super happy for him. It's so strange as I never thought I would be SO calm and chill about this almost 6 years later...

 

This was my thread about the break-up. My first post at ENA in Feb of 2009. I was 21 years old...

 

 

 

SO CRAZY. I've come so far. I have no negative feelings about this wedding at all. ZERO. Just happiness for him and his family! Who knew?

 

Time DOES heals all wounds. If you had told me that back in Feb 2009 I would have NEVER believed it. It's so interesting to read my old thread about it. I was so immature back then...

[annie24]

Wow crazy. And I'm glad you are at peace with this news!!

[Batya33]

I don't think it's time -I think you are fine with it because you are in a serious relationship and feeling good about your relationship. Did he tell you about his marriage?

[justagirl2]

I don't think it's time -I think you are fine with it because you are in a serious relationship and feeling good about your relationship. Did he tell you about his marriage?

 

Nope. We haven't spoken in years. His wife was super jealous of me and she has reasons to be because he was still into me when they started dating. I respect their space. I saw it from pictures on Facebook from friends of friends and heard about it. I might send him an email congratulating him? Or nope?

 

I do think it helps that I'm in a relationship but I doubt I'd care otherwise. For example, I knew they were engaged right when I finished things with T and I was still fine about it. It's just time and space really. I haven't seen or spoken to him in at least 4 years. You just... get over it.

 

It helps that I'm in a relationship and that I don't feel like my ex is married and I'm single. Yet, even if I was still single, I don't think it would bother me. Maybe a little more than it does now but I definitely wouldn't lose sleep over it.

[Batya33]

Got it. No, don't send him an email - in the same situation I did not and I think that was the right move.

[notalady]

I also think not to contact him about it is the better choice, esp given that his wife used to be jealous of you.

[justagirl2]

Yeah, honestly, it feels totally out of the blue to email someone I haven't spoken in years. I might have sent him a congrats on his engagement a year or so ago, don't remember.

[justagirl2]

PS. M is in Boston for the Harvard-Yale Football game. He went with his guy friends from college. It's a big deal for all of them. It's kind of the big weekend of the year for Alums. I want to be REALLY supportive and just let him have A LOT of fun with his friends. I'm not going to be texting him much or anything. I think it's very important that both of us have this time with our friends. I have 2 friends staying with me and I'm spending the day with Annie tomorrow so I'm going to be super busy. I do get insecure sometimes. I think about what if he realizes this weekend he loves being single and all that. Who cares though. It's out of my control. My goal is to just HAVE fun and NOT worry about him at all. I'm actually pretty anxiety free about it all. I mean, honestly, I've always been really level headed about these things. I can't control his actions. I can't control what my boyfriend will do or think. I have to trust him and just trust myself and whatever happens is totally outside of my realm. I'm not going to be these girlfriends that call 10x when apart because I'm just not that kind of girl. I know that has ZERO effect on how a guy will act. I actually think it's totally dumb to not be able to let your boyfriend just enjoy a weekend with friends. I've NEVER been that kind of girl in a relationship and that's not the girl I want to be. If M is happy with me, this weekend will just make him appreciate me more. If he doesn't really like me, it really is outside of my control. Gotta channel Elsa and "Let it Be" in life!

[Batya33]

Don't text at all. If he texts you to check in then text back briefly with the goal being to be polite and let him know you're safe/alive. Give him all the space you possibly can.

 

I went to a very unique event a few days ago without my husband (who was home with our son). I found it so great to be out on my own, to not be "mom", to be among really interesting, intellectual, creative people I never had met before. I felt alive and invigorated. When it was over I was home quickly and loved telling my husband about my evening especially since he had encouraged me to go. It didn't "make" me want to be single, without the family responsibilities I have. It just was a great way to get space, have a new experience, a bit of an adventure, rock my world a bit. The two can co-exist and in fact the time apart makes real life even better ....even if the person doesn't miss his "real life"or the people in it - and for such a short time, he might not but it doesn't matter and it doesn't make his relationship with you any less special.

[justagirl2]

That's my plan Batya! And I'm very confident I'm going to be able to stick to it just fine. That day I freaked out over drinks with his boss seemed so ridiculous and insecure - it's not who I want to be in a relationship. He legit hasn't done anything for me to doubt his faithfulness. He hasn't done anything to make him question his commitment to making our relationship work. He's been such a good partner to me, making my transition into NYC easy. I feel supported by him and his family. I feel like the LEAST I can do is give him this space to enjoy a weekend away without any nagging. Specially because I do admit I've nagged him a little in the past.

 

He has texted me twice already - one time to say he left the city and then to say he arrived. It was very nice of him. I was sweet back in return and now will let him enjoy his night with friends.

 

It's very important for me that I just let him be this weekend. Even if he doesn't text me good night or whatever. I'm VERY comfortable with it actually and am very determined to not initiate ANY texts until Sunday. It's important to give people their space. They deserve it you know?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't think of it as "people" and "deserve". Just that obviously he is away enjoying himself for a brief period of time and unless there is an emergency you have no need to interject yourself into his time away.

[justagirl2]

I did really well this weekend. No texting/stressing. Tonight M wants to cook and watch a movie. He said: "Can I see you tonight?" which at first prompted me to think, what if he's going to tell me he loved single life and break-up with me? But I don't think that would happen over cooking and a movie? Regardless, that's not what I have to be thinking about. I can't be waiting for the catastrophic scenario to ease my anxiety/worries.

 

Anyways, everything is good on the relationship front but I'm having issues with a friend. I mean, not to be harsh, but she's such an annoying/negative person. I just really don't enjoy spending time with her. She's from my country and went to bschool with me. Our nationality is probably one of the only things that bonded us because I don't think we'd be good friends otherwise. She doesn't have many friends at all. She's just very "heavy". The thing is, she REALLY seems to like me. I guess I'm her closest friend? I'm probably her only close friend. She moved to NYC after school too and ALWAYS wants to hangout. The thing is, I have so many other friends that i'd rather spend time with. Still, I feel obligated to spend time with her because I'm her only friend. I don't know how to deal with this or how to say no because she wants to hangout all the time. I feel really bad. I've been flaking on her. Which is awful. Now she's dating this guy and she wants me to constantly go out with them because she wants to show them she has friends, which she really doesn't. That irks me to no end. Like, I never needed to prove M I had friends? So she keeps including me on their dates. Like today she wants me to come to brunch with the 2 of them. I don't want to go!!! I want to have a low-key morning. I really do not enjoy spending that much time with her and specially not on a date with her boyfriend? She insists so much though. She is also super snappy/rude. Like she asked me if it was ok to go to brunch spot X. I said ok, sure because she had already picked it up. Then she told me the address and I mentioned, ahh, kind of far. She replied: "Well, I asked you first if you wanted to go there". I mean, well, sorry I didn't google your suggestion. I also wasn't saying I wanted to change spots, just commenting it was far away. She's always trying to put me down and belittle me. Specially when I take her around my friends. She's socially awkward so the way she bonds with MY friends is by talking about funny/embarrassing things I do/did which gets old fast. Ugh, I feel like a horrible friend but I just don't want to go this morning and don't enjoy hanging out with her in general. I feel bad though because I'm literally her only friend because most people are turned off by her. She can also be quite a loyal and good friend so I feel bad about complaining about her so much. HELP?

[Batya33]

I would do the slow fade - keep your responses to her short and hopefully as she gets to know her bf better she won't be so clingy. I can't do negative/annoying either, I get it!

[justagirl2]

Yeah - that's what I'm doing Batya. But, sometimes it's hard and it makes me feel bad. I care about her.

 

M is back and we had a really good night last night. Hung out with his mom and dad. His mom is a little bit of a handful. I mean, she's a good person and her comments seem naive to me but sometimes it's like she thinks I'm not good enough for her son or something? As if I'm not on 'his' level or I'm some immigrant? It's so strange. I legit don't see any malice on her at all, but she makes some demeaning comments. First was that whole what's your immigration status. Oftentimes it also feels like she is belittling my job/career. Oh, and yesterday it was so strange! She looked at my watch and commented: "I like your watch, it's beautiful". Ok. Then she says: "M, where is your Rolex?" Then he says, "Mom, I lost it a few years ago. Remember?". Then she looks at my watch and says: "Is that M's watch that you are wearing?" I politely reply: "No, this is my watch". So she asks how did he lose 2 Rolexes and he tells her that it was over 5 years ago and she knows the story and that he can't have nice things because he loses them. I mean, WHAT? She acted all suspicious. So insane. I can't have a Rolex watch or a nice career because I'm not American? What's her deal? But again, I can't explain but it really doesn't seem like she is saying these things to be mean. At all. She just seems completely clueless. I don't feel like she's trying to be hurtful, she just blurts out these things. She is just super nosy and asks a lot of questions. I mean, I can't judge because I'm the queen of the questions, but I think or at least hope that I have more tact when I ask them.

 

Things with M are good. I only get insecure sometimes that he might not be over his ex but then again it will be 2 years since the break-up soon I'm sure he is probably moving on. I do think she contacts him sometimes and it makes him a little touched, but in a kind of normal-we dated 5 years-big heartbreak-it's uncomfortable feeling. I asked him yesterday because we were talking about my ex's wedding and he said he is still sad that the relationship didn't workout, but not that the relationship didn't workout with her. He said he doesn't think about her that much at all but when he does it's kind of about the period where his relationship and job crumbled. He feels like he "failed" and it's not a personal feeling. He also says he has no desire to chat or be her buddy. He says she's obviously his friend and will be forever and he would help her if someone was dying and she asked for help, but not in a "let's have a coffee and catch up" kind of way.

 

I don't know, sometimes I feel like I won't compare with her ever because of the history. They met in a much more carefree period of his life. They were young. No real heartbreak yet. I feel like I can never compare with that carefree love. And yet sometimes it feels like exactly what happened with my ex who just got married. In the first months he was dating her he was still pretty broken and thought about me a ton. He actually ended things with his current wife to try things with me again. He couldn't let go of our relationship. But, then he realized that we had broken up for a reason. That I gave up on the relationship and ended things with him for a reason. And he chose to be with her - the new, unbroken relationship. They obviously just got married 5 years later. He obviously made the right choice. He totally did. I kind of wish this happens with M. I'm sure like my ex, he wonders about his longer/past relationship. However, who knows, maybe he will give a fair shot to the "new".

[annie24]

Hugs. It was nice seeing you.

 

Sorry about the friend - just be busy I guess. Maybe suggest she join link removed or something so she can make plans with other people. (Not to be said in such a harsh way but like, "my friend Annie uses Meetup and she's met some cool people that way - you should try it!"

 

Things with M sound like they are good. Sorry that his mother is nutty. Yikes. And stop stealing watches from M, lol!!

[justagirl2]

Hugs. It was nice seeing you.

 

Sorry about the friend - just be busy I guess. Maybe suggest she join link removed or something so she can make plans with other people. (Not to be said in such a harsh way but like, "my friend Annie uses Meetup and she's met some cool people that way - you should try it!"

 

Things with M sound like they are good. Sorry that his mother is nutty. Yikes. And stop stealing watches from M, lol!!

 

Annie, come back!!! I want Thai food and sushi!

 

OMG I felt so mortified that she would accuse me of stealing a watch? I don't think she meant stealing though. I think she meant more in like: "You can't have that watch, did M lend it to you" kind of way. My watch is the women's size and doesn't even fit M's wrist. Lol. Still nutty but I don't thinks she's a bad person.

[Batya33]

That is bizarre about the watch -who makes comments like that to anyone, let alone the son's girlfriend?

[justagirl2]

It was very strange. But I'm so easygoing I still literally think she's a good person just a little out of touch with reality? I don't think she does it to be nasty. Then again, I always try to see the best in others.

 

Also, I know where I come from, I know I'm not after her son's money, I know that watch is a very special gift from my dad when I got into grad school. I know that I'm well travelled, well educated, polite. So in a sense it doesn't really bother me? No offense to his mom, but I know I have much more tact not to say something like that to anyone let alone a son's girlfriend. After the dinner I mentioned it to M "half jokingly" that his mom thinks I'm trying to score by dating him and he laughed and said: "well then you are not really smart about it because I don't even have that much money, your family probably has a lot more than mine". I think he was embarrassed by the comments. It's just all moms think their sons are G-d's gift to the world? Batya - are you super proud of your son? My last boyfriend's mom was deceased so I never really had to deal with moms.

 

Parents are so weird about these things. We, of the newer generations need to be less judgy parents. It's funny this happened because my dad always asks about M and asks if his family knows about what he does or where I come from and I always think it's kind of an idiotic question from a 60 year old dad. Who cares what my family does, my boyfriend likes me for me and so should his family. I guess he had a point after all and knew I could be subject to this type of judgement...

[Batya33]

LOL all people think they need to improve on "past" parenting. I don't think she was being judgy -just rude/no social skills. She probably had a cleaning person who stole from her who was from a foreign country and she's clueless enough to generalize. I don't even think it has to do with her being a parent -she'd probably say the same thing about a friend she felt protective about.

[justagirl2]

No but she makes comments about my immigration status and career too. She belittles me and acts like M is so special. My dad's sister acts that way about her son and it's totally out of touch.

 

Also, she didn't imply that I steal at all. I think she meant that the watch couldn't be mine and that M had lent it to me.

[Batya33]

No but she makes comments about my immigration status and career too. She belittles me and acts like M is so special. My dad's sister acts that way about her son and it's totally out of touch.

 

Also, she didn't imply that I steal at all. I think she meant that the watch couldn't be mine and that M had lent it to me.

 

Ahh ok I didn't get that from what you wrote. I would not generalize about "parents" and how you will parent differently. I am sure that if she could make that moronic comment she makes social gaffes and worse in all areas of life, not just as a parent.

 

It's not out of touch to believe your own child is special and deserves the best. It is tactless to express that to other people in a bragging way (my mom and I can gush over my son constantly (and of course my husband and I) - I would never gush like that otherwise) just like it's tactless to brag about any type of accomplishment or good fortune you have.

 

Those people who behave that way didn't suddenly get that way when they became parents -they are that way generally and express it even more strongly as parents because it's an easy target. I do hope when you are a parent that you think your child is very special and a blessing - you can think that, feel that, and still understand that your special child should be told not to make a snorting sound during class because he loves Peppa Pig. That can and should coexist.

 

Be cheerful and stupid with M's mom. Do NOT complain about her to M or even make implied comments like you did. She's his mom. Let the stupid comments roll off your back, smile a lot, and agree with her when she extols all of M's virtues and specialness.