Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

P.S. I was curious so read your first post at ENA. This really stuck out:

 

And relevant to that, he doesn't seem to handle criticisms very well, even though I make sure I'm always diplomatic when handing out criticisms, i.e. in a positive tone and along with praises. Not that he would react strongly to it, but he often pass it off with a joke or point out impatiently that he already know that (whatever I was saying). It just feels like he's not comfortable simply accepting a criticism, he has to have some kind of "come back" even if he may have accepted it mentally. Meanwhile he has no problem handing out criticisms to me! (not in a rude or mean way)

 

M is the exact opposite of that. He handle criticism extremely well and with a lot of grace. I'm actually writing his birthday card and that is one of the qualities I'm highlighting in it. I just find it so amazing that someone who is SO smart and accomplished, literally ahead of the curve, handles criticism so well. He WANTS to be a better person and when I give him feedback he takes it to heart and is actually happy to hear it. And then it made me realize - that is why he is so great. Because he always wants to improve and be a better person. For example, I gave him the feedback that he can get aggressive when drunk - he decided to go sober for 1 year and is taking it very seriously. I also said that working out would help him with his anxiety/feeling bad about himself - since I told him that he has lost so much weight and wakes up at 7am everyday to go to the gym. He really hears me out. I told him today I'm so proud of him, he had gotten a little bit of a beer belly and now he has these amazing abs. He was always fit so it was easy to get back but just the way he decided to do it and stick with it. It's really amazing. I feel like everything I tell him to improve, he takes it to heart in a very positive/constructive way. I haven't mentioned the work stress though because I honestly don't want to become a nagging girlfriend and I guess it just haven't bothered me that much?

[notalady]

That's great that he takes your opinions on board and actually make changes for the better not that my ex didn't, but it just seemed very hard for him to actually make changes. The (perceived) criticisms I was talking about was more every day stuff, like "maybe you can stop moving the pan now, the stove is heating up" and he would get snippy because he sees it as a criticism and say stuff like "do you think I'm stupid". That's his insecurity issues creeping up. So yea it wasn't just stress. It doesn't sound like M has insecurity issues (so far)

[sophie274]

Where are you traveling with M over New Year's? You two jet setters should come see me!

[justagirl2]

Where are you traveling with M over New Year's? You two jet setters should come see me!

 

Inboxed you! You and N should come with us...

[justagirl2]

I just got a really exciting job offer today out of the blue. I've been doing consulting work for a start-up and it has been nice and it pays well... but it's very "free-lancey". I mostly work from home which messes up my sleep schedule a lot. However, the pay is really... amazing and so is the flexibility. This new one would be a normal 9am-6pm office job... Less flexibility, less pay, but more... stability? With this current job I'm just one more consultant that works for them. It doesn't matter at all if I decide to quit, take 2 months of vacation, etc... It's just very free-lancey and I choose the projects I work for. I mean, I'm very torn. I could quit no problem, my reputation wouldn't be tarnished as I just need to hand in my project I'm working on now. I could even bid for other projects with a full-time job - but I wouldn't be able to put as much time and make as much money. Yet, I feel like at this new company I would really be building something. I would be a valuable asset for a team. And my life would be much more normal/stable/structured.

 

Ugh, what to do? I think I'm going to take it because the absence of structure just... doesn't work for me as well. I love it but I end up sleeping in, then having weird hours when I'm awake working when everybody else is sleeping. I feel like this would be an IDEAL job for when I have kids. At the same time, the thought of losing my free time and flexibility is really scary. For example, I'm taking a 10-day vacation home from 17-27 December. Tickets are bought. Will they still let me go? On my current job I can do whatever and just schedule myself around my vacation.

 

It's basically a difference between a certain 100k/year job (stable one) and a job I have to HUSSLE to get projects but the sky is the limit compensation wise.

[annie24]

I think that the 9-6 job sounds good for you and will help you be on a normal schedule. If you are feeling super ambitious, can you do freelance work on the side, even if it's 1 project a month?

[justagirl2]

I think that the 9-6 job sounds good for you and will help you be on a normal schedule. If you are feeling super ambitious, can you do freelance work on the side, even if it's 1 project a month?

 

Yes... I guess if I'm needing the extra money I can just get a project for 1 month or so? It's very flexible. I think I know the answer taking my personality into consideration. I'm definitely going back to a more free-lance environment when I'm older because it's just very, very good and you can have a really nice work-life balance. But, for now, I feel like being part of a company and a team and having a normal schedule is more helpful.

 

I'm meeting with the company's CEO at 4:15pm today to go over the compensation package, etc... and I guess I will see how many days he gives me to make a decision.

[justagirl2]

So, it's M's 30th this weekend and I penned down a draft of what I plan to write on his card. It's nothing lovey dovey, just a genuine card of what I think of him. I know not everyone will love it, but is the general idea ok?

 

"M,

 

When I first met you, I was obviously impressed with your intelligence, charisma, ambition and accomplishments. However, what I didn’t expect was to find out that behind that amazingly talented guy there was someone with the kindest heart, warmest smile, and an uttermost caring attitude towards others. I don’t know if you fully realize, but your burning passion and full commitment to everything you do inspire your family, friends and co-workers to be better, to do better. You certainly inspire me every single day. And even though you have so many special qualities, you are also so, very wise. “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” You take criticism and advice with the grace and candidness of someone who wants to constantly improve, of someone who is as wise as to know that no matter how wise one already is, there is always more to learn, to grow, to discover. You are going to change the world one day M, and I hope to be your partner in crime as you do so.

 

Happy 30th baby!"

 

Was the last phrase too much? Too much of a "I want to marry you and be with you forever" type thing?

[notalady]

Love the overall message! Actually I was thinking the same thing when I read the partner in crime thing, I did find it sound too much like I want to marry you or something with similar implications. I would write something more like I look forward to spending more time with you, maybe not quite as formal sounding but you know what I mean.

[Batya33]

I think it's beautifully written but too over the top given the newness of the relationship. "When you first met him" was a short time ago and how you describe what you learned makes it sound like you've known him far longer. I would tone down the adjectives and remove the cliches - simplify it. It reads a little too much like something a professor would write to a student in his yearbook. I might write something like that right before a wedding or anniversary. How about something simple like "It's been so much fun getting to know you these last few months. You inspire me daily and I'm happy to list the ways if you want to hear - just might take awhile! I look forward to continuing to get to know you and continuing all our big and small adventures".

 

Please understand -that is just a suggestion - not a word for word edit -nothing like that!! I was just trying to suggest maybe a different tone, a simpler way of expressing that he is special to you. I also say this because he hasn't had occasion to express himself in this way to you -in a card - so maybe let him get the first shot (maybe over the holidays?).

 

Again what you wrote is beautiful -save it for a later time is all I'm suggesting.

[justagirl2]

You both have a point. I honestly just want him to realize how special he is because I know how tough of a year he had. In the beginning, he was very depressed, had to go to therapy and was just in a bad place. Now he is coming out of it and definitely not depressed anymore but he still struggles with feeling like a failure. I just feel like he really does trust my judgement and he would like to read what I really think of him. I feel like what you wrote is very cliche too - that was almost exactly what my friend's boyfriend just wrote her for her bday. Haha. Maybe I should just not write a card this time? Or tone it down a little but keep the overall message? I don't want it to be about our relationship really, because this is his 30th bday, I want it to be about him. I just think it's such a big birthday that I'm not sure it will ever be as appropriate to write that?

[justagirl2]

It seems so interesting to me how we all view timing and feelings in a different way. I still feel like I'm at least 1-2 months away from saying "I love you" to M. Yesterday I was talking to my best friend who recently got engaged after dating 2 years or so and she told me they said "I love you" after 15 days of meeting. And apparently they meant it.

[Batya33]

How about this (and what I wrote was just a suggestion with the overall suggestion being to tone it down). Keep the bday card very simple and then write down what you originally wrote and read it to him in private. Don't give him the writing -just read it to him.

 

This isn't about whether you're ready to tell him you love him -this is about how long you've actually known him (a short time) compared to what you wrote in the card - when I did the comparison that is the opinion I had.

[justagirl2]

Just to be clear, I'm not sure I love him yet at all. However, I do admire him and believe in everything I wrote in the card.

 

I think I'll wait to send that some other time. That's a good idea. Maybe during the holidays or even V's day? I will just give him his present without a card this year.

[justagirl2]

I think it's so cute how M has included me in his life. He sent an e-mail to his immediate family about his talk at his alma mater and included me. His dad, mom and bro keep replying and I'm in the chain as well. Aww. They are all so cute.

[Batya33]

That's great! I definitely would do a card -not sure why you wouldn't do one on his birthday. I agree about waiting for the beautiful message you wrote.

[justagirl2]

Ugh I'm a little bummed out with M right now. So him and his friends threw a Halloween Party at his place and it's still going on (past 2am). They were about 100 people here. Things started to get out of control so M was kind of stressed the whole time/having to entertain. Honestly, he didn't give me any attention basically. At one point, some guy came up to me and told me my boyfriend must really not care about me if he leaves me alone like this at a party. I mean, the guy was trying to flirt with me but still, I couldn't help but feel like he had a point? I was super low-maintenance the whole night and whenever M would come up to me he would thank me for being so great and understanding. Now it's past 2am and he tucked me into bed and said he is going to try to end the party. I just feel like he didn't care at all about me tonight. If I was doing ok. At the same time, poor boy was trying to control 100 people on his apt. Some guy even locked himself in our bedroom with a chick and we have to sleep now in another room. When he was tucking me into bed he said he couldn't wait to move in with me in a suburb away from this confusion. And I told him today it didn't feel like he's ready for it. He said: "Baby, come on, I'm fizzling out of this. I'm turning 30, I know this is ending for me".

 

Ugh I just felt unappreciated tonight. Am

I right to be upset?

[missmarple]

100 people for a party and he's turning 30. I've never been a fan of big parties so maybe that's why I find that very immature...I don't know, it makes me think of teenagers.

I wouldn't worry so much about not being taken care of but I would worry about his level of maturity and about how ready he is to move in with someone, just like you told him.

Are his friends single?

[justagirl2]

Some are single, others aren't. It wasn't supposed to be 100 people, it just got out of control. I don't think he's immature but he does need to stop saying "no" when his friends ask to throw parties at his house. The problem is he lives in a huge penthouse in Manhattan so all of his friends take advantage of that. He can't say no to his friends. But he acted very mature today actually. He took care of the house, didn't drink much. My only annoyance was with how much he just didn't care much about me during the party.

[notalady]

I agree with MM. I can understand he didn't have time to "take care of your feelings", I mean he did have a huge party to host, but it would worry me that he can't say no to his friends and let them take advantage of him. Are they even his real friends, to me real friends wouldn't impose such things on you. And if they aren't real friends, why is he even keeping them around. He doesn't need to move to get away from it, he needs to know how to exert boundaries.

[annie24]

Hugs. I'd give him a pass for tonight. But that must be super frustrating, for him as well, making sure 100 people don't knock over the family heirloom vase, or spill a drink on the TV or whatever other stupid stuff must have been going on. It sounds like he might have been trying to manage multiple incidents?? I don't think that's a reflection on his feelings for you. But do these raging parties happen all the time? (And I think having a big one for 30 is fun. I had a big one for my 30th).

[justagirl2]

This is the first time there is a party like this. He likes to entertain though. He's an entrepreneur and it's also part of his business.

 

I'm giving him a pass this time. He was really worried. He was worried people might fall off the roof. Lol.

 

His friends... Meh. I think they really love him. But, they are still annoying. M's family has kind of always had an open door policy to friends so I guess they just got used to all this? I do think they care about him though.

[Batya33]

I'd give him a pass too. But really just this once. If he has to throw a large family party or business event I'd expect that he'd have little time for you and that's fine but if it's one of these free for all parties then, sure, he should make sure he also spends some time with you unless you two discuss it in advance (and then maybe you don't go or something). I'm really ok with being left alone at parties in general -I make my own fun/socializing but I understand how you feel and have been in those situations. I think that drunk guy was an idiot for saying that though!

 

(edited to add I wrote this before I read your last post)

[justagirl2]

Yeah that guy was drunk and being rude. He kept coming up to me to chat since I was on my own a lot of times. I'm fine being on my own too really. Some of my friends came over at different times. Also, whenever this guy would come talk to me, M's friends would ALWAYS come up to me acting protective. For me that showed they did care and were trying to be there when they knew M was otherwise busy.

[Batya33]

I would not get into this whole "M's friends are protecting me". You're an adult at a party in a penthouse. If you feel uncomfortable you can get in a taxi and go home. His friends I am sure are well-meaning and caring people but I wouldn't expect this whole "protect M's girlfriend if he is busy". If they are friendly and polite to you then that should be your entire expectation, especially for now since you just met then at most a few months ago. If heaven forbid M was very sick and you needed support from his friends then sure -but at a party at his place -you're fine on your own and you don't need his friends' protection or support nor do you need this whole ego-boosting of "see his friends want to take care of M's woman" - I'm sure especially given your academic and professional background that you don't want to and don't need to be that person, right?