Why do women hold all the cards when it comes guys asking them out?

[Rosti87]

If I had to choose between starving to death and having way too much food foisted on me...yeah, I'd choose the latter.

 

Weeding sounds a lot easier than pursuing, to me.

What you fail to understand is crass, obscene, pornographic approaches are not great good experiences. They can be downright disturbing. Quantity in this case is not better than quality.

[notalady]

If I had to choose between starving to death and having way too much food foisted on me...yeah, I'd choose the latter.

 

Weeding sounds a lot easier than pursuing, to me.

 

I think it depends on your personality. I would actually prefer to take on the male role if that was the social norm, I think in another life I'd be suited to be a man. I have pretty thick skin and don't mind getting shot down, I don't mind pursuing and initiating, that's just an extension of how I am in other aspects of my life, I like to take matters into my own hands and go after what I want and sitting around waiting for it would just frustrate me.

 

On the flip side to some men's problem of "why all women reject me", is some women's problem of "why no guys ever ask me out". I have a friend who had that problem. It's not all rosy for women.

[happy_snapper]

Yeah same here

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never have a relationship. I'm too old to be as awkward and clueless as I am. Why would anybody take a chance with me when there are so many better guys out there.

[itsallgrand]

I think it depends on your personality. I would actually prefer to take on the male role if that was the social norm, I think in another life I'd be suited to be a man. I have pretty thick skin and don't mind getting shot down, I don't mind pursuing and initiating, that's just an extension of how I am in other aspects of my life, I like to take matters into my own hands and go after what I want and sitting around waiting for it would just frustrate me.

 

On the flip side to some men's problem of "why all women reject me", is some women's problem of "why no guys ever ask me out". I have a friend who had that problem. It's not all rosy for women.

 

Yeah, I feel the same. I do think a lot comes down to personality. Luckily, there are different sorts of both genders and all sexualities, so, still no excuse, eh!

[FathomFear]

From a gender standpoint, young girls tend to be raised to see themselves as "princesses". You heard that word thrown around a lot by parents. "My little princess...", etc. You don't hear parents referring to their sons as "princes". The psychology that develops is that girls/women are "prizes" that must be won over via effective courting by men.

 

It's essentially a relic of Victorian gender roles that continue to persist to this day. Things definitely are starting to change--a good friend of mine initiated both the first date with her husband and she even asked for his hand in marriage. But widespread change still isn't there yet, and depending on where you live the climate will vary.

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

Just so I can try to understand where you are coming from, which of the items that you listed (that you think most women want) you think you possess?

 

 

Some of the common things that women were looking for in a potential boyfriend:

 

1) Not looking for hookups (#1 requirement)

2) Must be funny or able to make them laugh (#2 requirement)

3) "Genuinely" want to have a real conversation (#3 requirement)

4) Must have a job of some kind

5) Must be willing to take them on an adventure

6) Should be witty or intelligent

7) Must be attractive

8) Understanding their weird quotes (some give you brownie points)

9) Must love trucks and hunting

10) Must be tall/short

11) Dress well

 

Does this list intimidate? You dislike the list? I could honestly say that this list does not personify many women.

[Rosti87]

From a gender standpoint, young girls tend to be raised to see themselves as "princesses". You heard that word thrown around a lot by parents. "My little princess...", etc. You don't hear parents referring to their sons as "princes". The psychology that develops is that girls/women are "prizes" that must be won over via effective courting by men. .

 

That depends on the culture/subculture. I was raised in a sub culture that does not baby females. There is no prince charming. Its important not broad brush. Especially if you are looking online where you are running into people that come from different cultures and family traditions.

[FathomFear]

That depends on the culture/subculture. I was raised in a sub culture that does not baby females. There is no prince charming. Its important not broad brush. Especially if you are looking online where you are running into people that come from different cultures and family traditions.

 

Well, I did clarify that later in my post. Clearly, culture makes all the difference. But most people who post here are speaking from a Western perspective (North America, UK, etc), so most comments will have that as a general underpinning.

[Rosti87]

I'm an American. There are subcultures in america where girls are not raised as princesses.

[bulletproof]

But, guy's like me have it worse.

 

Of course they do.

I think we may have just stumbled upon your problem with women: pervasive negativity and whining.

Judging from what you've written here, maybe you should lay off the cold approaches and online dating and start building a life where you cultivate hobbies and passions that allow you to get to know women as friends (and human beings).

If you are this resentful of them, they can probably sense it.

[blueidealist24]

Some of the common things that women were looking for in a potential boyfriend:

Not looking for hookups (#1 requirement)

Must be funny or able to make them laugh (#2 requirement)

"Genuinely" want to have a real conversation (#3 requirement)

Must have a job of some kind

Must be willing to take them on an adventure

Should be witty or intelligent

Must be attractive

Understanding their weird quotes (some give you brownie points)

Must love trucks and hunting

Must be tall/short

Dress well

 

...I wouldn't say that all these things are very hard to meet. Btw, not all women require all these things, either. I don't require a man who will take me on an adventure or who loves trucks and hunting, for example. The things like attractiveness (to a reasonable extent.. I understand not every man will look like a god), intelligence and willingness to have a real conversation should be skills you're trying to develop in your life anyway, regardless of whether you're looking for a woman. They will help you on all fronts.

[Moontiger]

This. OP, what do you find unreasonable about this list? Another way to ask is aren't these things YOU would want in a partner: Serious about a relationship (no hookups), sense of humor, employed, able to carry a conversation, adventurous, good-looking, with common interests? What exactly, out of this list to you object to?

[Blue Spiral]

I don't think sex should be expected before even basic dating, you're going the extreme here Blue Spiral, it is your ideal/wishful thinking.

 

It's kind of funny: when women get what they want, it's just normal and accepted, while if men got what we wanted, it would be an ideal/wishful thinking. There's probably some parallel universe where someone's arguing the exact opposite. "Men having to ask out women...that's just crazy talk!"

 

Unless 30% ofthe food is posinous with not way to tell which is which. I would go with barely enough food.

 

This is just my opinion, but, men are some of the most obvious creatures in the world. For every slick, subtle PUA out there, there are ten "lol im sending you pics of my junk k?" dudebros. Just read the flashing neon signs, and you should be okay.

 

What you fail to understand is crass, obscene, pornographic approaches are not great good experiences. They can be downright disturbing. Quantity in this case is not better than quality.

 

Pornographic is................bad?? Okay? I've loved it when women have sent me random nude pics and asked me to hook up with them.

[Blue Spiral]

Yeah same here

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never have a relationship. I'm too old to be as awkward and clueless as I am. Why would anybody take a chance with me when there are so many better guys out there.

 

I can relate. Even if I wanted to get into a monogamous relationship, I doubt I'd have a chance, because I have maybe a year's worth of "relationship experience." Most college freshmen have more than that.

 

A growing number of men are having trouble getting into relationships--sort of a "sexual underclass," as demeaning as that sounds (and I consider myself part of it)--but most people will just continue to pretend that this problem doesn't exist.

[Blue Spiral]

I think we may have just stumbled upon your problem with women: pervasive negativity and whining.

 

Women being publicly, vocally negative about certain aspects of men and gender relations = a legitimate, mostly accepted ideology and belief-system, one that's a major factor in culture and politics.

 

Men being publicly, vocally negative about certain aspects of women and gender relations = shamed and used as a way to blame men for issues beyond their control.

 

I say again, it's funny how that works.

[Moontiger]

It's kind of funny: when women get what they want, it's just normal and accepted, while if men got what we wanted, it would be an ideal/wishful thinking. There's probably some parallel universe where someone's arguing the exact opposite. "Men having to ask out women...that's just crazy talk!"

 

 

 

This is just my opinion, but, men are some of the most obvious creatures in the world. For every slick, subtle PUA out there, there are ten "lol im sending you pics of my junk k?" dudebros. Just read the flashing neon signs, and you should be okay.

 

 

 

Pornographic is................bad?? Okay? I've loved it when women have sent me random nude pics and asked me to hook up with them.

 

Give the level of violence against women that still happens (and is ignored) at the hands of charming, good-looking, every-ones-best-friend guy, I would have to say you're wrong.

 

The fact is men still have it much better over all then women do. Its funny to seen grown men throw hissy fits over women excersising their right to choose a partner. Its almost like they think allowing a woman any control somehow takes away any control a man has. My favorit parts of these threads are when men complain that woman have all the power because she has to say "yes" for anything to accord between them. Really? Should we just drop our clothes for anyone? That would then make us s. So, do you want prudes or s? Because that seem to be the only option given in this line of thinking.

 

And, last I check, a man has to say "yes" as well, so it seems men and women are equal in that small way at least. To summaries the opinion being expressed by some:

 

If I man turns a woman down = No problem, something must have been wrong with her.

 

If a woman turns a man down = she is a selfish, stuck up, female dog.

[Rosti87]

I guess this has become the monthly 'gender divide meeting.' These threads tend to pop up periodically. This may sound a bit cold but I think that men today don't realize that their victim like attitude on this subject would have been less tolerated 60 to 100 years ago.

 

There is this fantasy that women today have ruined men's chances for love. But in tougher times when life was physically tougher a man had to work harder to woo a woman he would marry. If one goes far back enough men had to duel and fight for women. There was a tremendous amount of competition.

 

The very men who feel like victims in this post modern era would not only not get the girl they would have a hard time surviving in general.

[wsim]

Haha, thought this would be amusing. Here I am exchanging messages with this woman on POF and after awhile we agreed to meet up. We were supposed to meet over coffee today and she flakes out on me, saying she simply forgot. Anyways, I get a text from her and it turns out she just got engaged, but was on the fence about it for a bit. She lied about her single status on her online dating profile, led me on and pulled off an act of deception.

 

What a joke. Stupid *****.

 

Last straw. I am deleting my POF account now. Nothing but scammers and fakes.

[faraday]

I loved that Jenna Marbles video. I might just have a girl crush on her, she's awesome.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[compwhiz345]

Wow, I guess I'm not the only one on here that seems irritated with the way the courting process sometimes turns out.

 

I'm still trying to figure what it is that I am doing wrong, myself. Women for some reason just don't seem to give me the light of day. Apparently I have to be some kind of muscular, foreign-speaking, doctor type with good looks to get attention, and I've been told that I'm attractive by friends and they don't understand why either. Nervousness is a common characteristic, and women must know that it does take courage to walk up to them and ask them for a date. Courting is not an easy thing, you have just as much to lose as you have to gain. But after a long time of rejection and no relationship experience, your self-confidence eventually retreats inside your mind and starts to give up thinking is must be wrong with your own self or personality. I've considered hypotherapy for the confidence/rejection issue. Good idea? There must be something that women are cue to that men need to learn. Obviously sex is not one, and future relationship plans being another.

[faraday]

 

I'm still trying to figure what it is that I am doing wrong, myself. Women for some reason just don't seem to give me the light of day. Apparently I have to be some kind of muscular, foreign-speaking, doctor type with good looks to get attention, and I've been told that I'm attractive by friends and they don't understand why either.

 

Did you watch the Jenna Marble video? It's so true. Find people with common interests.

 

 

And in response to the bolded...most women aren't looking for some super model to speak to them in a fancy accent and pick them up in an expensive car.

 

My bf is a total nerd- he had the sizing sticker on his jeans when I met him...his glasses fogged up when he walked into the diner, and his hair was static-y from the air being so dry here.

 

And while he's a strong guy, he's also very skinny. And super white. Like almost transparent.

 

He only speaks English, but he speaks it well. Meaning he has a great vocabulary, understands grammar, can use spell check and is articulate (I really liked that about him when I read his profile, tbh)

 

He's not a doctor. He's not at all glamorous- in true nerd fashion, he's a scientist. And he dresses like one (haha).

 

 

But he has an amazing and genuine smile, nice eyes (with smile lines around them...I think that's my favourite part of his face actually), and gives great hugs. He laughs easily, and he's comfortable with himself (his totally adorably awkward self). He has a job he loves, hobbies he's passionate about...and he's fine with or without a relationship.

 

And I like him. He's a good guy. He's...*gasp* a...nice....guy.

 

We have a connection. And...that's really...all that matters. When you start making connections, you'll start getting dates. Work on finding connections. Work on meeting women you have common interests with that are like you. Work on being the happiest, most fulfilled version of yourself possible.

[Rosti87]

What I'm not hearing from you is what are you doing outside of pursuing dates? What are your hobbies? Have you travelled anywhere? What do you read? Are you aware of the world outside of your routine? If you are doing any of these things you will become more interesting. When I read between the lines all I hear is mechanical actions that you are doing and expecting excitement or interest from this.

 

Women like intangebles. Women like nuance. You focus on muscular this and 'foreign-speaking' that, profession this .... etc. But there are plenty of men out there that are average looking with average jobs that pulls in women because they travel, they ski or they like the theatre. They are well read and can carry a conversation that has depth and breath. It is not just about the body or the accent or the profession.

[Tinydance]

You do realise though that in the dating world being a woman also comes with its own set of supposed gender roles and imposed behaviours? You've got books and movies like "He's Just Not That Into You“ telling you things like: "Don't be desperate, don't throw yourself at guys, don't ask a guy out, wait for them to do it, don't message a guy too much, wait for them to message first, don't be too eager and too available to guys, they won't respect you, guys love the chase, don't chase them, etc. Etc. Etc." I'm almost thirty years old and I've been hearing this stuff since I was a teenager and while I actually really don't agree with it, it has made me feel like I have to be aloof and "play hard to get with guys". This could be what you're experiencing. Also sorry but you may be a good guy, but women are not required to fall for you just BECAUSE you are good. It's a chemistry thing and you just gotta meet the right person. You are not automatically entitled to get lots of women just because you're a nice guy and not a jerk or a player etc. I have been head over heels for one player womaniser jerk guy, but I've also had feelings for nice and good guys. I just liked them because I just felt those feelings and attraction, nothing to do with the fact that they're a bad boy. I think that women do want those things you mentioned from men but just because you're having bad luck with online dating doesn't mean women are misleading and say they want good guys but then reject them. I've had millions of bad experiences or no luck on online dating and it's just attributed to not meeting the right match at that time, nothing else.

[Tinydance]

Look bottom line from my perspective is I hate gender stereotypes and gender roles and I think thankfully they are slowly starting to bend. The problem is that many guys have treated me or my female friends like and used us for sex or lied etc. and that breaks your trust in guys. Please don't think I'm saying all guys are like this, they are definitely not and I don't think that. But, see, you've had these bad experiences with dating and women never responding to you and you're frustrated and sick of it, and women have all these types of experiences with men too. So it's definitely a vicious cycle and we always blame the other gender for it. I'm actually a bisexual woman and have been with women too and had some bad experiences or getting friend zoned all the time. So I actually know from my own experiences that it's not about gender, but it's just about people, all people. But I don't want to hate men because that definitely is a sure way to never actually meet one lol

[Tinydance]

Well, I can't speak for anyone else but I personally would date an inexperienced guy if I like him. I've had a few serious relationships and get plenty of attention, sexual and relationship wise, but that doesn't mean that I'm meeting the right people. If I met someone that really matched me I wouldn't reject him just because he's not experienced, it's hard enough to meet someone right as it is. You are so negative in your post and views on dating and women though. Sorry to preach but how do you expect to find someone when you've already given up from the get go?