My Two-Wheeled Life

[Cheetarah]

I agree with Vic. Your perception of yourself is very distorted. As is the thought that love and affections and all such things related are 'earned'.

[christwowheels]

I think things are earned, or at least the right to have them is earned. You have to get to the point in life where you're able to have them and you have to earn that.

 

My ex and I had a recent conversation that in part discussed what I did wrong when we were together and a lot of it was that I didn't stand up to her, that I was a doormat. There were a couple things she did and a couple things she wanted me to do (not sexual, just life things) that truly bothered me but that I was willing to go along with because I was so desperate to have a relationship. If I felt I had had more dating options, or if I just had more courage, maybe I would have voiced those feelings. I should have voiced them in any case, but I guess it's just my admittedly unhealthy view of how relationships work.

 

What I've always seen as how relationships work is the following dynamic--a woman will pretty much set the rules for how things are going to be, and on an ongoing basis, the man has to determine if he is still willing to put up with the way things are or not. If he isn't, he's dumped.

 

Not surprisingly, this likely stems from my unhealthy relationship with Mother, where she basically controlled and to a certain extent still controls, my life. That said, couples I know all have women in clear control of the relationship. My therapist says that it wasn't a good idea for me to date a woman with a dominant personality; she would railroad me. My ex even warned me about that possibility--as is often the case, she was right--and that's how things went. That said, it wasn't her fault--she tried to get me to tell her what I felt and I hid it so she wouldn't leave me. I just didn't want to lose her because I knew it would take years to replace her. I guess I had hoped against hope that I could avoid having to do the work of finding myself before I could date. I know it's a hippie cliche, but I do need to find myself, I need to know what I myself want. And the truth is I don't really know much about what I want. I know a few core things--no kids, get away from family--but that's about it. I have no idea what I want to do with my career. I would prefer not to have to go to college, but I realize it isn't realistic to make a decent living without a degree.

 

One thing my ex urged me to do which I eventually realized I really do want and need for myself is to get a drivers license. I felt a little rushed by her to get it (she was truly excited about it), but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. This spring, I enrolled in behind-the-wheel driving classes. I had only taken one lesson before the breakup, and since payment for each lesson is due the day of the lesson, I could have stopped driving school right then and there if I had only been doing it to impress my ex.

 

I actually thought about that in those terms a couple of weeks after the breakup--I thought about how I could quit--but then I was like, oh heck no. That was definitely something I continued to do for myself, and I'll be taking a road test next month. I figure I'll pass the test then or by early fall, and then buy a car in the spring in time for road trip season. I want to have a summer of really getting used to driving before I have to deal with winter driving. Plus, avoiding car expenses for the winter will help me afford a nicer car. But I really do want to take some trips around the region. I need to get a better idea of what I want to do, and part of that involves visiting most of the college towns in the state.

 

So I do have some ideas, just not many.

 

One thing I feel bad about is that I am not capable of casual relationships or casual sex. There are times when I want sex so bad and I wish I was like my friend A who has one-night stands quite often. I don't fantasize about being exactly like him--unlike him I don't even want to dream about having affairs with married women--but it would be nice to be so free with oneself that if you need sex, you can just have it and have that be that. I'm not even capable of casual dating. I think I'm too clingy, and would be so even on a first date.

 

I think I'm such a doormat that even a submissive woman would get me to do whatever she wanted.

[christwowheels]

I took a walk and felt a bit better but then checked Facebook when I got home and felt worse. People picking a stupid argument with me again. So I once again deactivated my account. I do that every four to six months but I think I'm running thin on that site. Seems like my "friends" aren't my friends so much. I used to be more political and so most of my friends on there I met in that way and I'm realizing I don't fit in with them anymore. I don't know who I fit in with but I guess that's part of what I need to figure out.

 

I wish I could just have a simple life where I go to work, come home and read, listen to audiobooks, bake, take a bike ride every day or two, and have regular sex with a partner and a road trip now and again. Basically I want to be very boring. Probably nobody wants that. Oh well. I guess I have to have "interests" just to attract a woman. Ick.

[TMifune]

I wish I could just have a simple life where I go to work, come home and read, listen to audiobooks, bake, take a bike ride every day or two, and have regular sex with a partner and a road trip now and again. Basically I want to be very boring. Probably nobody wants that. Oh well. I guess I have to have "interests" just to attract a woman. Ick.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Most of my interests are somewhat solitary as well so dating feels like a show. Like I have to invent interesting things that I wouldn't normally do to take someone to do so they can have fun.

[Fudgie]

I find it hard to believe that there aren't female homebodies who, like you, are looking for a simple life, not super focused on career, passions, etc. It really takes all types. I can think of a couple friends I know (female) who are like that, right off the bat.

[Chalk]

I find it hard to believe that there aren't female homebodies who, like you, are looking for a simple life, not super focused on career, passions, etc. It really takes all types. I can think of a couple friends I know (female) who are like that, right off the bat.

 

This.

 

I think audiobooks are cool! I think going out to clubs dancing is boring. Each to their own. I think you are going through a tough time and agree with Cheetarah your perceptions are skewed. But that happens to the best of us. The hard times can teach us a lot.

[christwowheels]

I guess. So I had a talk with my friend A who likes to screw loose women he meets at the local taverns. He told me about how his rating system helps him figure out which chicks to go for...his system is a bit bizarre and I don't feel like typing it up right now (maybe later), but it factors in things in addition to raw physical appearance for men, while only rating women on looks. The upshot is that he says I might be a 7 or an 8 but that because I don't have a car and am not wealthy, I can probably only get a date with a woman who is a 2 or a 3. Meanwhile, because he's black, he gets extra points and so he can get up to a 7, maybe an 8. He believes black men are more desirable, at least in the places he frequents. Or maybe it's just self-serving. I don't know.

 

I'm thinking sometime in the next week or two, I want to observe him picking up women. Not sure whether or not it will give me any useful info, but I've been curious how he gets women for years. No car, lives with family, unstable employment, pothead, but still gets 10 women a year, some for multiple sex sessions.

 

I don't really want casual sex (although part of me, the really wanting sex part) wishes I did. What I want to do is be able to flirt and be able to be more confident in my interactions with women. By the time I'm ready to date, I want to have at least some "game."

[Fudgie]

I feel like a dating coach would be far more effective (and self esteem boosting) than watching this bonehead pick up married hussies at the local watering hole. He doesn't have "game" either. He's trash and so are the women he picks. If you want to catch that "big fish" someday, you don't sit and watch someone try to scoop up tadpoles from a puddle.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I agree with Fudgie. That guy is not coming accross great in your post. More like one of the obnoxious dudes who takes you aside and wants to rap for you. Piss off, guy.

 

And there's nothing wrong with having a simple life. I actually find that attractive. Some women will. Think of all the people out there who are looking, or have found, that person to spend a 'regular' life with and that is exactly what they want in life. There's nothing shameful about that.

 

If you focus on the things you know you need to do, the time will fly faster than you realize. And it won't feel exactly how it feels now. Things will change with each change in your life. So just to let you know that it isn't so black or white. Like you feel now and then later you get the prize. There can be tonnes of happiness and good experiences and growth all along the way to you feeling you are ready for a serious relationship.

[christwowheels]

So things are bad. My Mother and work have made my Saturday a nightmare and I don't even feel like I want to get out of bed today. I went to the refrigerator to get breakfast and now I'm eating it in bed because I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. My friends are too busy to hang out with me and I would rather shoot myself than listen to another of Mother's conspiracy theories about Western society destroying our minds.

 

I'm strongly considering joining a church. I don't really believe in god but maybe I could come to believe. Or not. But I really could use the fellowship on Sundays.

 

Life is just frustrating and overwhelming right now. I don't see any path to happiness within the next decade and I really could use a drug that could shut down my sexuality until such time as I "have my s--- together." Otherwise, I don't know, what am I supposed to do, pick up bimbos at a bar or hookers on the street corner? No. I need to shut it down somehow. Numb out, just work and not think about things. Just accomplish what women want me to accomplish before they will date me without having to think about women while I'm doing it. I don't know if that's even possible but that's what I want.

[faraday]

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but everyone feels like their lives suck, and that they themselves suck on occasion. Way more than anyone will ever let on. I regularly think, "why do I have to deal with this?" And hide from people. It might be an introvert thing?

 

My little brother had a ton of problems a few years ago. When he was a teenager he had really crappy friends, and got into a lot of drugs. They broke into a golf course (that my parents neighbour owns- how freaking awkward for them) and stole liquor...he had multiple duis and lost his license. Eventually he was busted for trafficking.

 

Why am I telling you this? He has so many things stacked against him. He was 20 when all of this went down. Who would date this guy that can't drive, is a pot head, with a record, tons of debt from lawyers and fines, right? No one. No one would date him. He had so many problems. But he worked through his drug thing. He got a crappy job at Best Buy, and worked his way up over 5 years, to department manager. He paid off his fines and lawyer, he kept straight. He bought a condo last year. He got his license back about 4 years ago. He stopped doing drugs. He go to the gym 5 days a week- he's looking really good now. He met a great girl at Best Buy that he couldn't date- it was against company policy....but last March, he was helping me sell at one of my art shows (awesome brother) and he was recruited. He quit his job, he's now able to date the cute girl...he's making more at this new job and gaining new skills...it's neat. And once he gave up drugs- he had to go make new friends...and he did- it's pretty neat actually.

 

He was in a deep, dark pit. He has ADHD and is clinically depressed. And he got out. You can get out too. You can do it, you've got this. Focus on making yourself the best you can be. Join a gym. Focus on work. Focus on getting your license. Make goals, write them down. If you need to break goals into smaller chunks, do that...and work towards them.

 

You're right to avoid your mom. I don't think church is the answer to anything, I think if you don't believe, you're going to feel weird being there. You need to check out a meet up group that meet every week, and join it. Mine has a hiking one every week, and a beer one...and a games one...there's actually quite a few...check it out.

[christwowheels]

So last week, a rather crazy friend of a friend offered to let me practice driving in her SUV. It was a weird experience, mainly because she was hung over and had a friend of hers behind her who had smoked weed earlier, and they were playing loud hip hop music while talking graphically about past sexual partners.

 

But I was able to successfully get them to a few stops around the city with no violations or damages.

 

That actually helped a lot, because I had three professional lessons scheduled for this Mon-Wed and that experience with the crazy people got me a little confidence to drive better without the instructor trying to grab the wheel if I made a slight error.

 

The friend of a friend thought I couldn't possibly be able to pass a test anytime soon, so that probably pissed me off deep down.

 

Anyway, this week, I did things as planned and took my three lessons with the road test at the end, and passed with 92 points out of 100 (you need 80 or more to pass).

 

So after paying fees later at the county service center, I officially have a drivers license. I plan to start looking around for cars immediately but not in a huge rush to buy. Just want to keep learning.

 

That said, when I announced this on social media, it took less than an hour for me to get a message from an acquaintance saying that maybe I could be their designated driver sometime. Lol. So now that I'm the licensed driver that everyone knows doesn't drink, is this going to be my niche? Maybe. Should I try to go with that? I mean if I can get comfortable going to these places, is this a way I could have a super good excuse not to drink and be considered a good guy who is justified in not drinking because then these people can get home without waiting a long time for a cab to show up? I don't know. What's funny is I hadn't even thought about this being an issue. I guess my over-analytical self missed something. Not that it's a bad thing to have a license, it's just that everything brings the unexpected.

[Fudgie]

I knew you could do it.

 

If I didn't love my car so much, I would have charged people to be their DD when I was in college. Like "I'll be your DD, here is my cell phone, pay me $5 if you want a ride back". I was so worried about someone vomiting in my car though, I never did it. Kind if wished I did.

[christwowheels]

Yeah. Well, part of it is that you have a car you've had awhile that was new when you got it...I'm going to be getting one that's ten years old because comprehensive insurance is exorbitant for a new driver and you don't do liability only on a car that's valuable.

 

That said, I wasn't asked to use my own car...this person was like, maybe in a week or two, drive us bar hopping in their sedan. And I'm thinking you people are really pathetic. I haven't responded yet.

[Fudgie]

They ought to comp you in some way, either with money or a meal or something. DD for some random asshats without anything in return? Yeah, I hope that's not what they are expecting because that's nuts. Even when I was in college and I would take my friends on errands, we would go out to eat and they would pay for my meal in return.

[christwowheels]

I agree...there would have to be something in it for me. I suppose I'm open to discussing it. I do need to get out more. I guess I'll just see how things play out and do what I decide makes rational sense. If this type of thing would offer me a meal or two now and again and the chance to essentially test drive a few different models of car, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

[Fudgie]

Meals are the best form of payment, IMO, in this case because people are usually way more happy to pay for your dinner than to fork over cash. Also, they will likely be eating themselves, as eating and drinking alcohol sort of go hand in hand.

 

Consider this as well, you wouldn't have to hang out at the bar if you didn't want to. Give the people your cell # and tell them "call/text me when you want to leave/get something to eat" and then you could walk around the area and explore or drive around a little bit if you wanted.

[faraday]

Congrats on getting your license

[christwowheels]

So I had a really hard therapy session yesterday (Monday) and woke up in the middle of the night and am thinking about it.

 

My therapist and I talked about my relationships in life, and what I ought to strive for in romance and friendship. We talked about each of my friendships, and he concluded that few if any display a healthy dynamic at the moment. Some of them are friendships where the friend clearly doesn't reciprocate much, ie, I'm the one who initiates contact pretty much all the time and never manage to penetrate into their actual circle of friends.

 

The guy who I had called my best friend for years is mired in his alcoholism issues and honestly he's become a drain. Even when he's not drinking, he shows very little interest in doing anything I want to do, so I've had about enough of him.

 

My therapist said he is skeptical of my friendship with my ex; he believes it is never a good idea to be friends with women whom you find physically attractive. That said, he accepts that that's the course of action I've chosen, but stresses that I need to work hard to try to make it a more equal friendship, considering that equality was something that was never possible in our romantic relationship (which is part of why it ended).

 

We concluded with discussion about how I could find new friends, which was draining, similar to how attempting to find new friends is draining. I really don't like people much. I got off of Facebook again because of the sniping. I stopped going to group bike rides because of the constant tailgating and lack of respect for the law on the road (they think they don't have to obey stop signs or traffic lights and one set of rides involves a guy with a police whistle directing motorists to stop and wait for the bikes even though the bikes have a red light and the motorist the green). No owner some criminal in an SUV is flipping out and throwing cinder blocks at bicyclists around here...bikers are instigating conflict with motorists at every turn.

 

So what am I supposed to do? I don't like liquor, and don't want to be around people who use it. I don't like cigarettes or illegal drugs and don't want to be around those. Should I just become a Mormon? I'm serious, like where can I find really straight-laced law-abiding citizens????

[christwowheels]

I guess if you get right down to it, part of me wants to know how to find friends and part of me just would like to be able to live without friends and be happy that way. I mean really...I don't have the energy for this...why can't I just be happy alone, away from the deviants and degenerates?

[christwowheels]

I think I need a new therapist. The line of discussion we went on was so low and sad and depressing and showing no hope that I am on the brink of suicide tonight. It's morning and all I see is another day of terrible suffering and I don't know that it's worth it. I mean what is the point anyway? I'm not of any use to anybody and can't even make myself happy.

[WithLove]

If you're on the brink of suicide, then I definitely think you need to get a new therapist, pronto.

 

Have you tried Meetup?

 

PM me if you want or need someone to talk to. I have a desk job and can reply basically all day.

[Seraphim]

If that is how you feel Chris call a suicide hotline or go to the hospital. Chris I don't think it's that you need a new therapist your therapist is getting to the nitty-gritty of something.

 

You are NOT useless.

[Cheetarah]

I have a lot to say, but I don't think now is the time.

 

I will say this - You had a hard session, a really rough one. Perhaps he shed some light on some truths that are super uncomfortable to consider. I mean, taking a look at your social circle and realizing that there's really nothing healthy in each of the friendships is pretty daunting and depressing. On the other hand, making those realizations - That they AREN'T healthy(and you've alluded to this a few times) is really big in and of itself. It indicates progression. Maybe a year, 2 or 5 ago - That wasn't even on your radar. And now it is.

 

I had the same realization myself about 5 years ago. I felt it was better to have little or no friends than all of the ones that I did. Unfortunately, I didn't really know how to deal with making such a drastic change(I think I was on a therapy hiatus), that while I stuck to it, I then went on/off with schmuck that is my ex. The loneliness made me vulnerable and desperate. And it was ironic that I was shedding unhealthy friendships(and sticking to it), but walked right back into the nastiest relationship I have ever had. I think if I had therapeutic support, good therapeutic support - That might not have happened.

 

The turning point is always very uncomfortable, unpleasant, sometimes downright awful feeling. It's like trying to turn the pages of an old, sticky book. Consider his points at a time when you do not feel so low. And reassess whether you really do need a new therapist, or the uncomfortableness of it all is just weighing down on you like a ton of bricks.

 

And if you don't feel safe, please go to the hospital, call your therapist, call a crisis hotline - But don't isolate.

[christwowheels]

Let me tell you a story...back about nine or ten years ago, I was living with Mother and did not have a job. She liked that, as it allowed me more time to do things for her. At any rate, one thing I did that she wasn't aware of was that I collected wire and cans to take to the scrap yard for extra money. It was gross work, but during that time, I was emotionally cold to the world, didn't care about anyone else, was focused on myself and survival and having something to keep me going each day...and in a way I was happy because I didn't care what people thought. Nobody was my friend and that was okay. I'm really missing that time right now. It wasn't as good as the good times in my past relationship, but it wasn't as bad as the bad times either. And right now it looks like paradise. I wish I could get back to that feeling, in some way.