My Two-Wheeled Life

[IAmFCA]

I urge you to find different language. The language of dominance and submission suggests a power struggle between you. It puts you in a win /lose competition with your partner. Try thinking about your needs and she might meet them.

 

Saying this differently: each of you has needs. What are they? Which among them are needs that it is appropriate to have someone else fill?

 

By speaking your needs you take responsibility for them. It can be scary because it can also reveal that the other person will not or cannot meet those needs. Sometimes, we would rather be in denial that we are mismatched. Denial never works to resolve a destructive dynamic.

 

I would try to list your needs on paper, and divide them into Needs I need to learn to resolve on my own & Needs I want to have met in relationship with my sig other, whomever she may be.

 

This might help you make concrete your understanding of what you want from a relationship, and what sort of person offers those traits and skills, and then consider whether you attract the sort of person you desire.

 

Being this intentional about things reveals areas where we do not know ourselves, as well as areas where our actions work against ourselves. It can be a useful way to clarify our path forward.

[ballerinababe]

Any updates?

[christwowheels]

I read through the recent posts to here today, after having taken a monthlong absence from this site. I debated throughout the day whether or not to respond. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I had to make a few points before I can close out this journal.

 

One is that, yes, me and my girlfriend are still together. We went through a rough patch but things are better than ever. Some of you have shared constructive thoughts and those have been of help.

 

But some of you said things that were pretty hurtful, including those of you who suggested I dump her. I love this woman. She's not perfect, nobody is, but we just get each other. We're working on ourselves and we are going to be okay. But ultimately what really gets me is that I wasn't asking for people to tell me whether or not I should be in a relationship with her, I've already made the choice that I want to be in a relationship with her. What I wanted was folks to offer help as to how we can make it work. Too often, people on this forum get a bit jaded and think that relationships are something that can be started and ended and tossed aside without too much worry. You must understand, I nearly lost this woman, due to my own anxieties and emotional turmoil. That place, the place where I was about to lose her from my life, is a terrible place, a place I never want to be in ever again.

 

People need to listen to their heart and not their judgments, and it's because ultimately I listened to my heart that I still have her in my life and I'll never forget that. Probably journaling wasn't the best idea at this point in my life because there are some things I need to work on myself and I can't have this type of hurtful thoughts directed at my relationship. So I think I'll have to leave this little outline of my life as-is.

 

I really do wish you all the best and I hope that you'll always remember to wake up every day with hope and love in your hearts instead of judgment and cynicism. Love is about acceptance and not judgment and that's why it's so beautiful.

 

Honey, if you ever have occasion to read this, I love you. Nothing will change that. *kiss*

[IAmFCA]

If you read this, either of you, so glad to hear you are together!

[christwowheels]

I'm kind of a scumbag.

 

My girlfriend just found out this week that I've been lying to her for about seven months. Basically I didn't want her to know how bad my emotional incest with my mother was/is.

 

I had told her that I lived almost a mile away from mom when in fact until last month, we lived in the same apartment building and she still has a key to my apartment. Mother and I saw each other almost every day and continued to have a sick dependence/obligation relationship (both ways) and still do. Last month she moved for two reasons. One, because she physically can't handle steps anymore, and so her new apartment is better because it's "handicap accessible," and two because I got more aggressive in pushing her to do so after I met my girlfriend. The fact is that I would probably still live less than 50 feet from Mother if it wasn't for her. I don't know if that means I used my GF or what. Probably. If nothing else, I didn't give her enough information at the start to let her decide if it was worth it to put up with my pathetic self. I probably hadn't earned the right to have a girlfriend yet. Maybe I still haven't.

 

I don't know whether moving to a different city before improving my relationship with Mother would be just running away from my difficulty with setting boundaries. Maybe.

 

God I am so pathetic. My GF has her problems to be sure but I have to say that I sometimes envy her. She's had a chance to live a more full life. Even as a young girl, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that she would go to college--and she did, she "straight-arrowed" it. (That's a term I've heard for going right from graduating high school to college and earning a bachelors in four years).

 

Me, I'm several years older than her and have yet to attend a college class, have yet to move out of the same apartment building I've lived in since 1988, and have yet to leave the country. I probably should get a passport.

 

I just feel pathetic now but I know that I don't really deserve sympathy because what I did was terrible, shameful. She deserves better than that and if I do get a second chance I need to be way better than this. I just don't really know what to do first. I'm really struggling with my life.

[IAmFCA]

How are you?

[christwowheels]

Things were going okay, or so I thought, but I guess not.

 

Last night, my GF and I talked for about an hour and she revealed to me that while the fact that I lied to her bothers her some, it apparently bothers her more that if she hadn't met me, I would still be living 50 feet or so from Mother. She started badgering me about "why didn't I have the motivation to get her moved out and get away from her earlier?" and the fact that I didn't have more motivation to improve myself further than I had before we met bothers her. I don't know. I mean, isn't it flattering that her love makes personal growth possible???? That her companionship has made me realize I'm not the loser that my mother and even some of my friends said I was, that I'm not some undateable ogre and that there's hope for me and hence that motivates me?

 

And then she says she's not sure if I'm serious about moving to her city, which I'll call GFtown. What? I've been working on the things I need to do to move to GFtown for the past seven or more months, beginning not long after we got to know each other because we fell in love quickly. Sure, it's taking longer, but partly because I'm doing things she told me to do and those take time. She told me to try new things before I move, she told me to explore new social settings before I move, and she told me to work on my relationship with Mother before I move, and to get more therapy before I move. I'm doing everything she asks and now she says she's not sure if I'm committed to being with her??? I don't get it. Now she hasn't gotten back to me since last night. How can you cut me off at the knees and then go off into the cold like that? I'm working so hard and I just need recognition and a little support.

[christwowheels]

I just don't know how she could gut me like a fish and then say "I love you" and not call me back today to clear the air and figure out where we can go moving forward. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, but I don't know how I can make her happy if she is focused on what would have happened if we had never gotten together, if we hadn't met. How can I make this better????

[christwowheels]

I mean I know that she withdraws moreso than me when she's in a conflict. I tend to want to find a way to solve it ASAP. Probably part of my people-pleasing mentality? Maybe. So I suppose I should expect her to take some time.

 

And I get that I'm wrong for having broken up with her for like five minutes (see posts from October in the journal) and that I am wrong for having lied about my mother...I told GF that Mother was a couple miles away when in fact she was about thirty seconds away until she moved five miles away in mid-November 2014. So I saw Mother most days. Now I see her about once a week. She wonders what my motivations were for lying about that and it's like, uh, pretty obvious, right? Your apartment is right by your Mother and so you're a loser , even if that's the only one I was able to get at the time, it doesn't matter. My relationship with my mom was and is screwed up. I get that GF doesn't want to compete with Mother. I just don't know what to do now that the damage of my lying is done? Can she forgive me? Or did one lie, admittedly repeated for months, make her forever wonder what might have been? Am I a loser? Maybe. I've wished many times that Mother would have been able to afford an abortion when she was pregnant. I've also wished I could beat the living daylights of my biological father but that's another journal entry.

 

I guess the question is, what can I do now...

[petite]

Seriously, your girlfriend sounds really controlling. The problem is you take offense and get hurt by people saying anything other than nice things.

Look at the things you say, she told you to do that, she told you to do this. How about you actually do what YOU want. You weren't born to be her puppet and live according to her. Honestly, you need to grow some confidence, it seems like this girl has realized she can treat you however she wants and will get away with it because you allow it.

 

When someone loves you, they don't treat you like that, she doesn't appear to have any respect for you what so ever.

 

What can you do? You can stand up for yourself, realize you can live without her, there are plenty of women out there that wouldn't treat you like some puppy. That won't ignore your calls or dictate when you call her, that won't dislike your mother and expect you to almost cease contact with he (that's what it seems like). I actually fear for you if you were to move to wherever she lives, I think over time she will ruin the little self confidence you've got and basically make you believe she's the best you can get. Which simply isn't true.

Honestly, it doesn't seem like she loves you for you, she wants to mould you to suit her which simply isn't true.

Wake up and stand up for yourself.

[petite]

Honestly, it doesn't seem like she loves you for you, she wants to mould you to suit her which simply isn't true.

Wake up and stand up for yourself.

 

I can't edit now, but I want to correct myself here, I meant to say it simply isn't right. She's trying to change you and make you into a person she wants you to be and isn't really accepting you for the person you are.

When we love someone, we love them for who they are. People might change overtime and grow together, but that's not the case here. This relationship is so new and already you've been put through the ringer. The really sad thing is, it's almost as if you think it's acceptable to be treated like that, and that she is more important/valuable than you. I'm here to tell you that isn't true.

You're putting her on a really high pedestal, but she downer deserve that place because she's literally pushing you down to the ground and ruining the little self-confidence you've got.

I'm also really sad that you even bring up your mother aborting you. Please take time for yourself and realize your mother had you because she wanted you. I think even saying that speaks volumes of your lack of self-confidence. Such clearly your girlfriend feeds off because she knows you don't have the confidence to stand up for yourself.

[Cheetarah]

I haven't said anything either because of your defensive reaction.

 

But to be frank, I have thought about you and your situation often. Since you're still here airing things out and asking questions - Assuming they aren't rhetorical, I'm going to answer them.

 

Is it wrong that you lied? Yes. It makes for a loss of trust within the relationship. Do I understand why you did? Yes. Embarrassed, afraid, thinking you'll be thought less of, not accepted. Lies are lies but still, there is a distinct difference between a lie bred of malice and a lie bred of self-consciousness and fear.

 

She started badgering me about "why didn't I have the motivation to get her moved out and get away from her earlier?" and the fact that I didn't have more motivation to improve myself further than I had before we met bothers her.

 

I get that you have a dysfunctional relationship with your mom. It's not and never will be, your girlfriend's place to dictate how your familial relationships should go.

 

I don't know. I mean, isn't it flattering that her love makes personal growth possible???? That her companionship has made me realize I'm not the loser that my mother and even some of my friends said I was, that I'm not some undateable ogre and that there's hope for me and hence that motivates me?

 

No. It's frightening, actually. In my personal opinion. You depend on her and her acceptance to build you up without your own base of self-confidence. You unconsciously assigned her the job of your emotional caretaker. Who are you without her? An undateable, loser ogre? You wish your mother aborted you? This is not the first time you've said that. It's awful that you feel that way, but that can change. However, it's not going to change if you rely on her or anyone else to keep you afloat. When things aren't in harmony with her, you lose it. She's in a power position. No one should wield that much power over you. Her, your mother, your friends. And what 'friends' call their friend a loser?

 

It seems like you have really romanticized and idealistic ideas about love and relationships. Like here she came, this woman - And the sun, moon and stars aligned perfectly, she was the catalyst for change, moving mountains, love is all you need, make love not war...But it's more like...Don't say anything ill of my relationship because she is the only one who accepts me, no one else will want me. That's what is underneath all that idealistic stuff.

 

You are vulnerable, delicate and fragile. These are not negative traits at all, but as with anything else they need to be balanced with strength, self-assuredness, a thicker skin when the situation calls for it.

 

I know you possess those things - But you are misusing them right now. Therapy? Awesome idea. Not for the reason she seems to want it. Not at the forefront, anyhow. Is any of this for you, Chris? Because it comes accross as a desperate attempt to keep your one link to what you feel is love and acceptance. Only - You aren't being accepted. You've been given a laundry list and then when you work on it, it's a question of your commitment to her because things aren't happening more quickly, or...I don't know.

 

You are lovable as you are. You are worthy, as you are. It isn't enough for me or anyone else to tell you that, it's a conclusion you have to reach and on your own time. I worry that you do not have the room in this relationship for that particular kind of growth.

 

Some relationships are bendy, like a rubber band. They stretch and accommodate changes and growth, give you the room to do what you need to do and be who you are. Some aren't, and that isn't something that is immediately recognizable. Think about relationships people have, where perhaps one person is an addict, for example. The addicted person goes through rehab and other treatments to help them live drug-free, a healthier lifestyle with positive coping mechanisms. Then the relationship...And the same person who probably pushed for them to get there...it falls apart.

 

Because it completely changes the dynamic of the relationship. Obviously, those things are all positive but you can't go through such massive changes and expect to maintain status quo. In reality, the person who was with that addict was likely quite co-dependent. They thrived on trying to fix and mend, it made them feel useful, they like to feel needed, they want to wield control over something in their lives and maybe...They couldn't do it with their own. So seek outside of it.

 

So now, you have what everyone thinks SHOULD be a healthier and positive relationship, and it's not because it didn't have a healthy basis to begin with. It was bred of dysfunction and the co-dependent person cannot enjoy a relationship with the recovered addict because growth = more independence. And that won't change until they address their own stuff.

 

We attract those who are on the same wavelength as us in terms of emotional health and well-being. It can be in very different ways, but it's running on the same line.

 

I agree that your girlfriend has very controlling aspects to her personality, and you are prime for it as you are so eager to please and be accepted. You won't have any real clarity about your friends, your mom, your girlfriends until you build yourself up. For yourself. So when you are left to your own devices, you don't mope and want to die, deeming yourself unlovable. I don't know how you need to go about that because it's different for all of us. But it's necessary.

[christwowheels]

Well, I don't know how else somebody is supposed to build up self esteem when they've had it beaten out of them for three decades. I mean I will grant you my GF isn't perfect but she has helped my self esteem and has helped me learn a lot about myself.

 

I think that while she probably is more controlling than some--and she's even admitted as much and expressed concern that her dominant personality could be hard for me to handle and that she doesn't want to dominate me too much--at least she's honest about what she needs in a relationship. So many women beat around the bush and use subtle manipulation to get what they want. At least she comes out and says what she wants.

 

We did have a chance to talk late last night (I didn't see these replies until this afternoon) and I think we cleared the air pretty well. I need to learn to not overreact when she goes into her shell for a bit and she needs to try to send a reassuring text now and again even if she isn't emotionally ready to have a talk about certain things.

 

I'm the first to admit our relationship needs work but she does love me, that I know for sure. It's just that both she and I understand that we both have a long way to go to attain the future we desire and so we have to work hard to get there...sometimes we will get impatient with each other and I guess the key is talking more thoroughly about things and having more realistic expectations of the speed of attainment of that progress.

 

I realized that last night (and the night prior) were the first times in probably a month or so that we've really had a talk about deep things and our relationship...we've talked other times in between those, but mostly about day to day things such as work and events in the news or television shows. The way we are...I think we probably need to touch base on our relationship more often, maybe for a brief chat every week or so, lay things out there.

 

I also know that both of us haven't had as much time lately to spend with friends and that's something we both need to work on because it will make us feel better.

 

I did overreact to what she said the night before last and I regret that, but nevertheless, I appreciate your comments. While I don't think this is a bad relationship, I do agree that I need to work on my confidence and coping mechanisms and my girlfriend has things to work on too. It just takes time, and fortunately, we are both still relatively young and so we have that luxury.

[christwowheels]

I also want to add that the things she tells me to do aren't necessarily "orders," like "Chris, do this," but moreso things that she recommends or strongly suggests. And upon reflection, she's almost always right about them. It's not that I don't agree with any of those things on that list, it's just that I was frustrated that she was talking about how long it was taking to move when I'm busy doing things she recommended. We talked about that last night too. She said she understands that it will take some time to move...it was moreso the question of whether I'm doing these things for her or for me. I think I have a better understanding now of why she doesn't want to be the reason behind me doing things.

 

But like I told her, I had huge doubts that I would have a possibility of a nice future and so I wasn't very motivated before I met her.

 

I know I need to work on my self-esteem, but I don't want to lose my GF. I think we just both need to work on our relationship and ourselves. I do think in some ways it's a good thing that we aren't in the same city right now so that we have space to do that for a bit longer before I move. Even then, it might be advantageous if she ultimately gets accepted at a grad school in a third city, so that when I move there, we still have time to adjust. Keep in mind that there are other reasons for me to move to her state, not the least of which is much more favorable tuition rates. My current state's tuition is spiraling out of control, but this isn't a political board so I won't elaborate on that.

 

There are a lot of ways we do fit in well together though. She's a little more spontaneous than me, so she brings adventure to my life. That said, she's not terribly good with directions...so we'll need each other to get to a spontaneous destination. She's better at cooking and I'm better at cleaning. She's better at technology and I'm better at home repair. She's better at shopping online and I'm better at shopping in a bricks and mortar store. She's more adventurous in terms of travel and I'm more adventurous in terms of exploring the area I live. We both will expose each other to so many things and I think we are a good fit. Not perfect...but we can get better and it's definitely worth putting in the significant effort to make this work.

[petite]

Chris, it seems like you are just backtracking now. I get that you love your girlfriend but honestly she doesn't seem good for you. Your girlfriend has told you to not call when she is with her family. True or false? She has also ignored your calls, right? To me that's a huge indication of the type of control she has over you.

She has admitted to being dominant even though she knows you lack self-confidence and it isn't good for you to be controlled and dominated. Sometimes couples need more than just love for a relationship to sustain.

[christwowheels]

We have talked things over and we both identified areas where we can get better in this relationship...things are back on track. And yes I backtracked because I overreacted earlier. It's a lot like the line of thought in the quote you have in your signature...social media and Internet forums can create more problems than they solve sometimes by preserving for posterity our unnecessarily large reactions to minor issues.

[IAmFCA]

A thought re self esteem -

 

We value ourselves simply because we exist. That is reason enough. We spend our lives learning how to best fill the skin we were given. How to be the people we already are.

 

Self esteem is not based on achievement, or even character. When we falter, relative our own standards, in matters of achievement or character, we still have strong self esteem. We use our self esteem to learn and move forward.

[christwowheels]

Okay, you've totally lost me here now, IThinkICan. Because that's totally not how self-esteem works, at least in my experience. Self-esteem is based largely on achievement and validation. What have you done and do people like, love and respect you.

 

I mean if we all had a whole bunch of self-esteem regardless of how much or how little we achieved, nobody would get anything done because they wouldn't feel it was worth it, because "we're all cool."

 

It makes a lot of sense to me that my self-esteem is higher now that I'm working hard at moving forward in my life and getting myself to the point where I can reach my full potential, both personally and professionally.

 

It also makes sense that I had no self-esteem when I was 16 and my mom didn't let me have a summer job (or friends since I was basically grounded) and so I spent the summer watching "Judge Judy." Why would I have self-esteem then? I hadn't done jack.

 

I worked my tail off to earn what self-esteem I have, so please don't tell me I didn't earn every little bit I got.

[IAmFCA]

CTW I get where you are coming from. I feel such a boost when I plan my work and work my plan. I am walking you through my thinking the long way, I hope you can walk with me. Here goes.

 

I have been thinking about this for a few years, and I have noticed that winners keep playing the game, regardless. They fumble the ball, miss the shot, connect on the pass, drop a 3-pointer "swooossshhh"... however it goes, they keep playing. They don't stop to castigate themselves or celebrate (well, maybe both things happen for a moment) because during that moment of focusing on themselves, the game will have moved past them. They keep their heads in the game.

 

Then I started to think about: Do I build my self-esteem on my effort? On results? What about the concepts of forgiveness, of making mistakes as a function of learning and growing? What about self-esteem in people whose values are vastly different than mine? What about the concept of love, in good times and in bad, warts and all? Do I not love myself, with my flaws? Is my self-esteem dependent on me being flawless? But that is impossible.

 

And I came to this understanding: We are all failing. All the time. Sometimes we are trying, sometimes not so much. We can try all of our lives, and we will never be perfect. Not once, not at anything. Perfection doesn't exist in humanity. Humanity is a messy enterprise.

 

If that is true, then self-esteem must not be based on achievements, or on character, because we will fail at both all of our lives, one way or another. And yet our self-esteem can be a whole thing, we can love ourselves fully.

 

What is it based on then? Effort? Am I to hate myself because I was lazy all weekend, and love myself again when I get going? No - I am to love myself that entire time.

 

In fact, yes, it is that simple. I love myself because I am. It is that simple.

 

Why achieve anything then? Well -- that is rich. It becomes a different experience. Without my self-esteem hanging in the balance, I am free to achieve for the fun of it! For the pleasure of earning money I can give away to others (such as, my kids), for the pleasure of connecting with clients and using my brain. For the pleasure of running longer and faster than last year. I love myself now, when I am not running. And I look forward to the joy of resuming my conditioning.

 

It is about stretching myself, using the gift of life that I have been given... Quite nice to love myself anyway, and not have the risk of breaking up with myself hang in the balance.

[christwowheels]

I guess I now better understand where you're coming from, but I am not so sure that's ever going to work for me.

 

Things are generally going okay. Relationship-wise, we are fine. We aren't talking for as long of periods as we once did, but that's probably natural, as it wasn't realistic that we would always talk as long as we did at the beginning. I'm just really looking forward to when my gf gets her next work schedule and then we can hopefully find a time when I would be able to visit. I want to count the days to when we see each other like we did the last trip.

 

As for the rest of my life, I was able to definitely understand that my "friends" are pretty much all really "acquaintances." Doesn't matter if they owe you a favor, they sure as heck aren't going to come through. If you want something done around here you have to pay a professional because you aren't going to get anyone to help you save a few bucks. On the plus side, I had at one point felt a little bad that I would be leaving friends who I thought gave a crap about me but when I move out of here for good to live near my GF, I'm not going to feel bad at all what with how little of regard my "friends" hold me in. What a bunch of jerks.

 

Basically I am moving accross town in order to extract myself from bad memories of my old neighborhood (and get used to a roommate situation, which is what I'm likely to have to have in GF's town). Now one would think that it would be possible to get friends to help move my stuff, of which there isn't a whole heck of a lot after I got rid of a bunch of things as I addressed my former hoarding problem and am of course preparing to move accross country and you don't move large quantities of items that far unless you're independently wealthy. But one would be wrong. And while paying $500 to move things by professionals isn't the worst thing in the world, what makes it worse is friends saying they can help and then canceling at the last minute or just not showing up. And it's not like I wasn't going to pay them anything either. I've helped some of these same people carry things into moving trucks and out of moving trucks but they weren't willing to help me. So I figure they can all pound sand. If you can't help, just say so, don't pretend you can and then cancel. Nobody here is dependable.

 

Ugh. Okay, end of rant. I feel better.

[christwowheels]

I guess what I really want to know--and I realize that there may or may not be an answer for this one--is how am I supposed to make new friends who aren't undependable people who basically use you? Because it's hopeless in my current city, once I get my affairs wrapped up here I'm out. But what do I do when I get to the new city to make things different? Where do people meet friends? I can't go to bars...I mean maybe very occasionally but I don't drink and due to the environment in which I grew up, I'm probably going to take a long while before I lose the perception that drinking is for loser hopeless alcoholics. I'm going to work on that, but nevertheless, hanging out in that way isn't really an option. I don't want to associate people who use drugs. I mean if someone does a little pot, okay, but other stuff, no. And that there leaves out a lot of people. I guess I better hope I meet people in college and that they aren't douchebags. That's pretty much my only hope. I guess this past weekend really made me sad about the relationships in my life. I can't depend on my friends, my Mom is so far out in left field that it isn't even funny and I need to basically go NC on her by the time I move, man, my GF and I pretty much figured out that the rape might not have happened when I was conceived. The possibility that Mom wasn't raped but that she made up the story in order to disavow herself of responsibility for what she would have considered deviant behavior (sex outside of wedlock), was raised and I can't dispute that possibility. Mom is that manipulative. She somehow was able to conceal her pregnancy from her whole family until I was born, with the help of one friend she knew who was aware of her secret. She brags about that, "the biggest coverup since Watergate." Who knows, she is that bad, or is she? I'll never really know because it was two mentally ill people and how can I ever find the truth?

 

So I've got that crap and my friends aren't helping anything at all. It's so bad that they wanted some stuff I'm giving away and they expect me to deliver it. Unbelievable. Inconsiderate a-holes, all of them.

 

The only person I can depend on aside from my therapist (and all I really depend on is that he's helpful and shows up to sessions) is my GF and she doesn't deserve to have that kind of pressure on her. Why can't more people treat other people like decent human beings and not just chew you up and spit you out like garbage?

 

Ugh. I'm just so sad right now. I hope I can attract better friends in the future and that I can establish and maintain NC with my mom by the end of the year so I can finally get a life, a real life, one that's not so messed up. It's my only hope. I'm working so hard and I just hope it all works out because if nothing gets better I'll be so broken.

[christwowheels]

I think things are getting better at this point, although it's still a really tough time. My gf's ridiculous work schedule is making it difficult for us to plan a trip for me to see her. We had been hoping to see each other this month and then her schedule got ruined and that kinda set the tone for this month....sadly, things haven't gotten easier for either of us. I'm just spending most of my free time reading about different careers and people's experiences training for same, and figuring out things that way. That way I can distract myself from annoyance at the GF's boss and my friend situation. Things are okay with a few of my friends at this point, but my larger social circle blew up this week on Facebook and I just had it. I can't discuss what we talk about on there because most of it is political in nature, but suffice to say that it's mostly an echo chamber and if you disagree with people on one or two things, it gets really bad. I ended up deactivating my account.

 

I've deactivated before, but this may well be it for me and social media. I've never really liked Twitter, and FB has gotten to be even more of a war of egos (at least among those I know) than it had been and I can't handle it.

 

Who knows, maybe that's for the best. I want to make serious advances in career and college during the next decade, and social media may be more of a liability than an asset. I mean I don't post pics of me drinking or doing drugs (largely because I don't partake in those things) but my thoughts sometimes can be a wee bit controversial (as can my friends') and maybe having all that out of my life is a good thing.

 

All that being said, it makes me sad too...that people would be that big of jerks that they snipe at you for disagreements that shouldn't matter that much. Society is really in the hole if we can't be a little more accepting of other people.

 

I guess my only question is, would staying off of social media in this age impair my ability to make friends in a new city and function in college? In some ways I think it might be interesting to find out. Heck, I'm a non-techie in that I prefer paper books instead of ebooks and my gf always teases me about how I rarely use my personal (home, not work) computer (it's been a couple months now--I'm writing this on my smartphone). Maybe I could just consider this part of my charm lol.

 

What else can I write...well, are there any ideas of things I might bake my GF as part of a "sorry your schedule sucks and I can't see you, better luck next month" care package? I have a couple ideas but I'm always open to new ones...and since I'm off FB, I'm left with my ENA journal

[petite]

Discussing politics on social media has never been good. I've seen friendships destroyed over this, and think perhaps if people have extremely strong opinions about anything political maybe they should just take it to political forums or facebook groups. Just keep it away from friends as it usually doesn't help. It's one thing to accept people as they are and another to accept people's political opinions. There are people that are very passionate about politics so naturally it can cause a massive issue amongst friends.

 

As far as college and social media, well, I think there are advantages and disadvantages. It's really good for things like second hand books, finding roommates, assignment discussions (often there are facebook groups which classmates create) and this can be very helpful. That being said it can also place a lot of undue pressure. Someone could be falling behind and then they read one of their classmates bragging about being way ahead. It's really a double edged sword. You've got to learn to balance and know when to turn social media off and retreat to other more pressing tasks and needs/wants.

 

Homemade granola bars are always a hit with my friends, so maybe you can make that?

[christwowheels]

Yeah, I can see that there might be advantages to social media and I'll keep that in mind as time goes by, but after a week and a half off of FB, it feels pretty good. I do miss a couple of people's posts, but I know that it's bad for me. I need to get used to not posting my opinions about issues online. It's gotten me into trouble in the past...my mouthing off about politics is actually something that goes back to high school. I wish I would have been taught then that the way to get ahead is to keep your big mouth shut. Instead, I wasted a lot of years tilting at windmills in my spare time. Perhaps I used politics as a way to distract myself from my Mother issues. It's just something I have to pipe down about.

 

I can't sum up the truth about social media any better than your signature quote...“When I was little I wanted to read people's minds. Then I got social media and now I'm over it.”

 

I also don't know why it is that so many of us--especially me--kind of without even thinking about it, tend to compare ourselves to each other on there. Oh, look at what so and so is doing, I wish I was that successful, or I'm better than so and so...it's not good. Then I go down the rabbit hole and see people my age doing incredible things...one of my friends on there is a year or so younger than me and has a doctorate and travels the world on vacations. Granted, I don't think they had a crippling surrogate spouse/emotional incest issue to cope with, but it doesn't feel good to feel so low by comparison. Then I start to think about "why wasn't there free abortion so Mother could have gotten rid of me," or "why did the state at the time ascribe any right to parenthood to my so-called father; meaning that if he didn't sign adoption papers, I would have been in foster care forever and as a result, Mother decided to keep me despite being ill equipped to do so. That bum should have no rights to say no to an adoption, they weren't married. He didn't put a ring on it. Grr."

 

I just can't put myself in a place where I'm comparing myself to people I know. It's one thing when it's strangers who are more successful; but for whatever reason when it's people you once knew as classmates and they just sprang way ahead of where I'll ever be, it hurts.

[petite]

I think we all compare ourselves a little to people, it's inevitable in this day and age when it seems like we mostly see the better parts of people or the parts they want to share about their lives; thus making us feel like we aren't good enough or should be doing more etc. As time goes on, and this requires a lot of work and self-reflection and self-awareness we become more accepting of ourselves, we embrace our personalities and who we are, and dare I say more comfortable just being ourselves.