My Two-Wheeled Life

[christwowheels]

My girlfriend just left me a few hours ago. It's not like I didn't see it coming. She had been distancing herself from me in the last month or so...our phone calls went from being about six days per week in February to 4-5 days a week in April and only 2-3 days a week in May, and the gaps between talking got longer and longer while her texts were more...distant. It's hard to describe, but I could feel that things weren't going the way I would have wanted.

 

I guess I was being too emotional with her again, which often leads to her wanting to distance herself, which leads to more emotion, which leads to more distance, etc. A vicious cycle.

 

It didn't help that I was stressing about taking a trip to visit her. We had been hoping to have a trip for months and each month, something would come up, and it got more and more dispiriting for me.

 

It's just really unfortunate. We started out so good, so close. Maybe too close too fast. Maybe the closeness at the beginning spoiled me and then when the closeness shifted, I wasn't ready. I know that talking *every day* isn't always the case if you're not cohabitating, but we had done it for so long that I came to expect it and when she didn't call at the times she usually did, I felt sad, and if it happened a lot in a week or two, I felt slighted or unloved. Probably blowing out of proportion on my part, but there it is.

 

I figure that I am at fault even though she said I did the best I could...ultimately our troubles seem to all have started with my lying about having lived so close to Mother for the first five months of our relationship and her catching me in that lie. I guess it's true what I read somewhere a couple months ago...that women's attraction stems from respecting and trusting their man and if they can't respect and trust him, that's curtains for their relationship. I know that we never had any seriously erotic talk after that happened and I don't think that's a coincidence.

 

There's probably more to it than that, even. Our lives are so different...I think she rightly was frustrated that I didn't know how to do so many things...swim, canoe, hunt, fish, drive a car (although I am taking lessons for the last one). I guess what I'm saying is that our comfort zones are in different areas, and while I was more than willing to try things...I think maybe she sensed that we were too far apart. And maybe we were.

 

And maybe she was right. She was right about so many things over the course of our relationship. She taught me so many things, and made me feel confident that despite all my problems, I can make a woman feel loved.

 

She also helped me figure out what I do and don't want in a future partner. I know that I can date people of different political parties and that that actually could be advantageous. I know that I want somebody who is relatively emotional, so that they'll appreciate my emotions moreso than my now-ex. I know that I want someone who has a significantly different career than I do so that I can learn from them. I don't think I want another LDR, because as much as I love my ex, it was just too hard (and I am left to wonder if we would have been able to work out had I been able to move out there already). I know that I could date a light drinker (I had previously thought I wanted someone who was a teetotaler. I still wouldn't *reject* a teetotaler, but I can expand my pool a bit). I think I should also date someone who is more sociable than me. I need to be brought out of my shell and if my partner could do that, it would be good.

 

I wonder how good these lists are though. My ex was quite awesome and was different than what I would have said I would have wanted, but I fell deeply in love and in another life, might have married her. So maybe the lists are all bogus and I should simply date whoever comes along that fits into the basic metrics (attractive to me, no kids, doesn't want kids, no STDs) and see what happens.

 

I also know that I need to wait to date for a year or so and get some things set up. In other words, while the plan to move to her city is off, the plan to move out of my current city must go on. I must get my license and a car and an apartment at least 100 miles away from Mother so that she isn't in my picture much. I also should probably start college and then maybe find someone there. Although I don't know about college. I've been trying to re-learn Algebra and it's not going so well. Part of me is wondering if I can cut it in college. I know that since I had been with my ex, and she really kinda didn't want to be with someone forever who didn't have a degree, that I felt it was a 100% necessity. Now I'm thinking it's only a 90% necessity. Wouldn't it be something if that helps reduce the pressure I put on myself and maybe actually increases my performance on math? I wouldn't doubt it. Sigh. I guess this is another reason why I need to put off dating until I get where I need to be. I put way too much pressure on myself.

 

Anyways, a car and a significant distance from Mother--and time to heal from losing my ex--are musts before dating. Heck, they're musts for survival in a sane mindset.

 

Sigh. I just hope she and I can be friends later on. Right now we need to start a period of NC, but eventually there will hopefully be a time when we can talk again. I just hope I'm compartmentalized by then. I want to be able to be friends with her but I've never been friends with a woman I've slept with before (principally because I lost my virginity to her) and so I don't really know how that works, at least not from experience. Although we did only spend 4 days together in person versus about 35 days of phone talking (over about one year, I kid you not), so maybe we were more friend than girlfriend/boyfriend anyway. But there will always be a place in my heart for her and I wish her the best. She deserves the best and if I can get myself together, so will I.

 

But I'm glad we did at least try dating, even if it didn't work out the way we had hoped. We were there for each other during times in both of our lives when we needed someone. And maybe that's good enough. She may not be "the one," but she was the one I needed for the time we had together and our time together will help us prepare for the next chapter. I know I'll never be the same as I was before meeting her and that's a good thing.

 

I don't think I'm going to keep using this journal moving forward....it's pretty much run it's course, the discussion of my life during this relationship. Eventually, maybe I'll start a new journal, but right now I just need to hide under my bed. Maybe down there, I can go on when I'm on my own.

[christwowheels]

I can't sleep more than an hour or so at a time. I'm riddled with regret. I messed this whole thing up so bad.

 

I guess I knew things were over this past weekend...when I was at a friend's house and his longtime platonic female friend was making some good points about relationships. My friend had been dating a woman a few times and really liked her but it seemed it wasn't going anywhere and his platonic friend suggested that this was because "she's just not really into you," and that if she was into him, he would *know* it because she would be texting or calling him and it wouldn't always be him initiating contact. She would be seeking him out big-time. Also, points were made about how always initiating contact made him look kinda desperate and that that's unattractive. I almost broke down right there because those two scenarios of how a woman might act describes my relationship with my now-ex exactly....her into me last summer and not into me this spring.

 

I had written off her pulling away during one month recently because she had an illness, but...I have a postcard from last summer when she had an illness and she talked about how despite having a runny nose and whatnot that she wanted me to have a postcard to know I am loved. And this time, she was sick and didn't even want to call me.

 

And again, it's all my fault. The selfish part of me is tempted to blame being stupid enough to mail her something that caught me in my lie late last year, but the truth is that when you lie, you WILL be caught and so the real blame is me circa last spring when I met her and lied originally...and then continued to lie. That original lie was the poison pill that doomed the relationship from the start. Yes, she probably wouldn't have considered dating me had I been honest up front, but I would have had a chance to be friends with her and maybe, had I made enough progress, she would have wanted to date me in the future. But now, that choice is gone because I screwed it up and honestly it might not even be possible to be friends moving forward because of what a lowlife I am and how bad I hurt her by lying. I was in no position to date anyone and won't be for a long, long time. Until I can remove my mother from my life completely, never speak to her again, I am not an eligible bachelor, I am a scrub from a TLC song.

[christwowheels]

Part of me wonders how strong I am now. Now that my ex is gone, will I be able to fight off my Mother? Maybe not. I really am wondering if I am going to need to wait until she passes on to date. I suppose it's not so bad. She doesn't take care of herself too good and so it's probably only twenty years. I'll be in my early fifties. Maybe I can marry an empty-nester divorcee. That's my big hope this morning. That I can make it twenty years until my mom passes away and then maybe I'll have a chance at a woman. I'm such a useless piece of garbage.

[christwowheels]

I am so sorry about what I did. It's like I used her the whole time to make myself think I was suitable to date but I am nowhere near suitable to date. I may never be suitable to date. Maybe after Mother is dead, provided I am in therapy a couple times a month in the interim. Maybe; just maybe I can make myself into a man who a woman might want. Maybe.

 

No wonder I couldn't ejaculate during sex. I was a thief, stealing love when I hadn't earned it. I need to spend the next couple decades earning the right to have a partner. I need to earn it.

[christwowheels]

I know I am swine. I know I am filth. I know I am a loser. But I still hurt.

 

Ever since I visited her in August, when we attended her state's Fair, I had worn a button of her state as a symbol of my desire to move there and be with her. It had recently been on my jacket. Now I must leave for work soon and I am removing the button and for the first time in almost nine months I am not going to be wearing this button. It really is over. She really found me out, discovered that I am no good and flushed me to the sewer where I belong.

[Cheetarah]

Chris...I can guarantee you, that your inner dialogue plays one of the largest problems in your interpersonal relationships. I don't have to know you personally to know that.

 

I think the fact that in your first post, you were able to pull out what you learned from the relationship is a very, very healthy thing. Even just having or changing ideas about what you want in a partner, or what will and won't work, is pretty big. It really is.

 

You don't need to earn love. Ever. Love is not earned. It is given and taken, freely. Until you rewrite the script that you are deserving of love REGARDLESS of your life's circumstances, even IN SPITE OF them, then you will be stagnant. I'm sure this won't register on your emotional radar right now, because it's an awful time for you - But she didn't 'take away' the love because you were undeserving. She had to move on because something wasn't right for her, as an individual, with her own preferences, desires, wants and problems.

 

You two had such similar issues, that I don't think it could have worked unless you were both on the very same page. There's just so much emotional trauma there, so many things that have the chance to set one partner back at any given time. You know what a struggle it is. She knows what a struggle it is. And how difficult it was for her to get to the point she is in her life, the work she put into it. Often what brings people together(when it's trauma based), tends to push them apart...If you two aren't on the same page, down to the same line.

[petite]

I am sorry to hear about your breakup Chris. From the start based on your journal posts it seemed like there was miscommunication. I don't think your ex really understood why you lied. At the same time, I think she appeared to be controlling, especially in terms of the contact you had and when. (I was baffled by that honestly.) I've mentioned that before in this journal, and I really think you need to think about some of the negative things she did. Don't put her up on such a high pedestal, actually be very careful who you put on very high pedestal to begin with because people are full of faults, really we all are chock-full of negatives and positives.

 

Chalk it up to experiencing and losing love. We all go through it. Now you have to pick yourself up, and continue living your life. Create a life you want to live, live the life you want and be proud of yourself. You do not have to wait until you are 50 to have a meaningful relationship. If your mother, or the dysfunctional relationship with her gets in the way please move, move and limit contact. Do what is best for YOU, and only you at this time in your life. Do you have a therapist? If you do not, perhaps you should look into having a professional help you with the things you're going through. It's really quite a lot to deal with, and we all need someone to help us through difficult times.

 

Try and look at the positives, the things you have learned through this relationship, but don't beat yourself up or put yourself down so hard. Really, you are not dirt, you are not swine, that's just the pain and emotions talking right now. Tell yourself you are strong, that you will make it, will get through it and will meet a lovely girl that will accept you as you are, even with all that dysfunctional mother drama. There is someone in this world that can and will love you, just as you are. Build yourself up, focus on the foundation go and go from there.

You can get through this.

[faraday]

I can honestly say that none of my break ups have been because my exes were doing something wrong...they just weren't right for me. I couldn't see myself marrying them (marriage is a long time- you want to get it right) so things ended.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. It just wasn't right for her.

 

When you're with the right person, you can be yourself and they love you. Even when you're being needy. She wasn't "the one".

 

It's also pretty normal after a break up (especially a first break up) to feel like you'll never date again, who will love you? You'll never find someone like her again...not being worthy...I know I've had those feelings...but you know what? Love has always happened again...I've always been worthy...and you are worthy too, and you'll find love again.

 

But cheetarah is right about your inner dialogue...you need to be kinder to yourself. If you had a friend that spoke to you the way you're talking to yourself, would you tolerate it? I hope not.

 

Instead of repeating words that put you into a downward spiral, focus on creating a new mantra that will pull you through. My last break up...mine was something like, "I am worthy of love. I am enough. I am loveable and loving. I will find the person I'm meant to be with. I am happy." Over and over until I believed it...because our inner dialogue is the playbook of our lives...and if yours is negative...you won't have much luck in love or life.

 

You got some great things from this experience. You traded in your v-card. You know you're capable of attracting a partner. You know you're capable of keeping a partner belong initial attraction. You are capable of giving love and receiving love.

 

Those are things you weren't sure of before her. Now you know this about yourself, and you can move forward, secure that you're enough for someone else. So she wasn't the right one. I've had at least 30 exes that haven't been the one. Sometimes the more break ups you go through, the more you begin to feel like...maybe you're the defective one. Do you know what I mean? You'll be okay. I promise.

 

 

What's the deal with your mom though? Do you live with her?

[faraday]

I just skimmed through your journal...I have never read it.

 

Your mother sounds awful. Mothers aren't supposed to say horrible things to their children...and yours does. Mine does too. I get it. My mom has told me she wishes she never had me, she's told me repeatedly that she doesn't love me, that she only had children because my dad wanted them.

 

It used to really bother me. Like...devastate me. Until I learned how messed up her childhood was. She was raised in horrible abuse. She's actually WAY better of a mother than her mother was to her (it's not saying much for gramma)....but the abuse went back for generations. When I learned that...I vowed to be different for my daughter. I'm not always perfect...I say things that I regret. But I apologize and do my best to be better. Part of that has been a slow distancing over the years. Right now I'm in no contact with my parents. It's hard.

 

When you have a dysfunctional relationship, it's almost impossible to break the patterns. You have to leave. You have to get away from your mom.

 

When I read the part about your ex talking about you going out and doing new things...I didn't see it as being controlling. I think she wanted you to become your own person....because right now...you're not. You're living in a shadow of your mother...and you need to break free and find the sun, and become whole. You do need to get out there....get your license, learn to swim, find hobbies that are slightly out of your comfort zone....move to a new city...take classes in a field that interests you...make new friends. It's easier said than done. Take a few weeks...be sad, grieve. But then...get out there and make BIG changes. Change your life. Become someone that you're proud to be.

[petite]

I believe his ex was controlling in the sense that she wanted to control when they spoke, when he could call and so on. Chris has mentioned before that he was not allowed to call her during weekends when she was with her family, and she wanted to dictate when they spoke. Yet, would get frustrated/angry when he was with his mother.

Yes, Chris has a really dysfunctional, emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother (I can't even begin to understand what that is like), but making him feel worse because he lied about living in the same apartment, then moving to a different apartment in the same building was not fair. Chris, by all accounts based on this journal alone was pretty honest except the part about where he lived. That's what I gathered through his posts.

It seems you two were just not a match, despite having some of the same/similar issues.

[faraday]

Hmmm...I've never thought about phone calls like that. I must be controlling then...because I give my bf time frames for when he can call, and I tell him not to call on certain days when I'm doing things...I've never considered that to be controlling.

 

I think if I saw my partner doing something toxic (like spending time with their dysfunctional parent) I would get upset too. Especially if we had talked about them distancing themselves from said person, because they are trying to become independent and break bad patterns.

 

I guess I view this different. I think she was trying to help him become more than he was...I think I would be similar in that situation....she would need to be, I would think. Chris has been dominated by his mother for years and hasn't tried to break that pattern- she probably saw that he *needed* to be told to get out and do his own thing...hoping that if she pushed him into becoming independent, that he would be.

[faraday]

Anyway, I'm not going to make anymore posts because this is Chris' journal...I just wanted to say that...I do think she had his best interests in mind....I don't think she was trying to change him in a selfish manner or for her own selfish motivations...I think she was trying to make him better...and I mean, she has, right? She's given him some good experiences.

 

Chris, you are capable. You can be whatever you want to be. I think she was trying to enable you to become your best...and to show you that you can be different (and you can be).

[petite]

I suppose I feel people should be free to call their partner whenever they want (I realize that's just MY opinion and other people choose to do things differently), and if they can't answer that is fine, but getting angry because your partner called or texted is a bit much. Plus, based on what Chris has said, she had/has a somewhat similar relationship with one of her parents like he did/does with his mother. I guess in that case he should have been pissed because she did not want contact with him while spending time with the parent with whom she had similar dysfunctions. If anything she she should have been more understanding. Of course Chris' relationship with his mother is unhealthy, but that doesn't mean the girlfriend was always fair.

I do think she probably did have his best intentions at heart, but when you have people with similar issues together sometimes the lines get blurred. I don't think she was ALL AWFUL, ALL THE TIME, but I do think Chris could be swayed because of his lack of experience with women.

 

I think what Chris needs right now is the support of a therapist that can help him in dealing with his mother, separating himself from his mother and building the confidence he so desperately needs to continue building a life just for himself.

 

Chris, you can beat this. you can get through it and find someone that will accept you as you are. If you choose to never speak with your mother again, then it should be solely your own decision. I think that's really crucial, that every decision that you make has to come from you, and because you want things to be different.

[christwowheels]

I've been off of ENA for the most part for the last month, finding various ways to move forward with life now that I'm single for the foreseeable future.

 

Reading over some of my posts right after the breakup, I can tell I flipped out more than a little...in my defense, I haven't really had a serious breakup before, so I didn't know how to deal with it. One of the more unusual aspects of this breakup is that the person who was most helpful for me in terms of getting through the breakup was...my ex. We fairly quickly decided that NC didn't really suit us. This is probably not going to work for most people...I imagine that if we had spent more time in physical contact, we might have had a harder time appropriately transitioning to "just friends," but given that we had mostly just talked on the phone, mostly not even on sexually-charged topics (and the sexy talk ended far ahead of the breakup), it wasn't that much of a change, as it turns out. It's like I lost a girlfriend but got a new best friend. Not a bad deal, really.

 

It's still hard to swallow the fact that it's going to be a long journey before I can date again, but ultimately I realize it's for the best...until I can have my license and a car and be hundreds of miles from my family, I can't hope to have a high-quality romance anyway, so I just have to find motivation in knowing that one day, I can have a date and a nice car. I hope that doesn't sound shallow, although honestly I don't care if it does. I'm not particularly shallow, but I am realistic. I need to have certain things cleared up and after that, I think I'll be an okay match for someone.

 

So what else has been happening...well, I'm trying to learn math again. I was not good at it in high school and I would like to minimize the amount of remedial college courses I have to pay for, so I am doing a little independent study on things. I've realized that it can help to actually do that studying away from home and so I am trying to plan in a couple times a week where I visit a coffee shop, library or even a park where I can hit the books.

 

Driving instruction is going okay...I'm still paying nearly a hundred bucks a lesson for 2-hour sessions....when the instructor is available. Lately I've had to wait 2-4 weeks between lessons but I have a few grouped closer together next month, so that's good. My goal is to take the road test and hopefully pass it and be licensed by the end of summer. Eventually, I'll buy a car. Do any of you know what part of the year when dealerships have better prices on late model used cars? I'm just curious...it's not like I'm in the world's greatest hurry to buy one, I'm more concerned that it's the right one at a fair price. And let's be honest, I want it to look nice so eventually it can impress women.

 

Meanwhile, a really good friend is an alcoholic who is somewhat delusional about his recovery...he thinks he can stop drinking and yet still be bar hopping all the time. A few weeks ago, that led to him meeting and then sleeping with a married woman in a van down by the river (I kid you not). Then he tells me, "at least I can get f----d." Hey, I can get laid too...I just have to have a relationship first. My friends are kinda messed up.

 

My mother...she has conspiracy theories she's been telling me about, so not much new there. At least I'm not hearing about her backstabbing coworker who she says was always talking about her behind her back. Apparently this woman, who Mother nicknamed "the Miscreant," got forced out and now Mother is in a somewhat better mood.

 

So things are getting better, I guess...and hopefully it's no more than five years until I can have another good relationship again. Hoping and fantasizing and working...

[Fudgie]

Car folks have annual (and usually monthly) sales goals to fill so your best time to buy is towards the end of the year, at the end of a month. At this point, the new models for the upcoming year are usually already on the lot and they have started to push those on people, while the (for example) 2014 models are still on the lot and are marked down a lot in price.

[TMifune]

What Fudgie said for new cars.

 

If you're talking used cars, I think they tend to run about the same year round. Though 4x4s and AWD vehicles are often a little pricier as you go into the Winter months.

 

Wanna buy a motorcycle?

[christwowheels]

Thanks for the tips on cars. As for motorcycles, no. I'm just not into vehicles that are that dangerous...and because I prefer living in parts of the country with four seasons, it's not terribly practical to have a vehicle where it's useless for several months of the year.

 

I'm not going to have enough money to buy (or insure, lol) a completely new car. But I'm hoping for one within six model years or so...maybe around 100,000 miles but no more? I just need something reliable because I intend on taking road trips and being stranded isn't part of my itinerary.

[Fudgie]

Pfffft, my dad rode a motorcycle through the winters when he was in college because he couldn't afford a car. Where's your sense of adventure?

Kidding.

 

It may be helpful to go online (KBB, Kelly Blue Book is a good start) to get an idea of prices AND reliability ratings (and safety ratings) of cars. It will even show you ballpark figures of what you'd pay for new vs. used. Some cars keep their value better when used than other brands so it's important to keep this in mind.

[Fudgie]

Christopher,

 

I wanted to post this to you and others who may see this: always remember to check safety ratings of a car.

 

Yesterday, at work, I reminded of the importance of this. I considered a Pontiac Vibe years ago. The price was awesome. My father then stepped in and told me not to get it and showed me the safety ratings, they were not good. So I didn't get it.

 

One of my coworkers had a family member in a crash. She was driving a Vibe. Another car, with a distracted driver, swerved into her side at a low speed (drifted over into her Lane)while they were both driving around 30 mph.

 

The family member in the Vibe broke several ribs, her wrist, and her collarbone. She also hurt her neck. The air bag deployment hurt her as well. The car is completely totally. Completely. Just crumpled.

 

Make sure to read the safety rating!

[christwowheels]

One of the things I've been spending a lot of time discussing in therapy is body image issues. I've made significant progress over the last year, but there's still a ways to go.

 

I know my ex was helpful in some improvements...notably that she genuinely found me physically attractive and that improved my confidence level. She also was pretty confident in her own body and talked about spending quite a bit of time in her apartment naked. That got me to thinking about why I don't do that myself.

 

In therapy, I explored this issue and my therapist noted that while walking around buck naked wasn't needed, I should try to move myself in the direction of being more comfortable in my own skin.

 

Recently, I decided to move in that direction by spending more time at home barefoot. This isn't something I've ever really done before previously. When I was younger, I didn't bathe particularly frequently because Mother didn't offer me a heck of a lot of privacy and I mainly did it when she wasn't around. Since bathing wasn't fun either, I didn't exactly take every opportunity to bathe either. There were times when things got pretty bad.

 

In any event, I didn't like my body much in part because it wasn't clean all the time. Even after I started consistently keeping clean, I continued to be uncomfortable with it. My feet were always in socks.

 

Nowadays, looking at my feet more often, I've been noting that they don't look bad. I still don't show off my feet in public, mainly because I like my shoes, but I'm feeling better about my body, a little bit at a time. And I'm looking forward to sharing a bed with a woman again and having our legs and feet sliding over each other. It will feel good...

[Fudgie]

I read somewhere that one thing people like to do to get "in touch" with their bodies is to put lotion on it every night. It gets them to feel their bodies and become more comfortable. Maybe you could do that with your feet?

 

I put lotion on my feet and other parts sometimes just because it feels good, esp. before bed. It's relaxing.

[christwowheels]

Okay, I can see why even exes who decide to become friends after their breakup decide to limit contact or go NC for a time immediately after the breakup. It's really hard when you find out your ex is dating again. Not so much due to jealousy...it's not a bad thing that she's getting the love she deserves...but because of two other things...mainly the sting of how she is getting back out there and I'm not going to have earned the right to date for years. I've got so many things I need to work on before I can date...

 

And I guess the second is the finality of how we aren't getting back together. Her new man is definitely a better match on many levels than I was and I would be surprised if it doesn't work out.

 

So I'm seeing that people often limit contact because by the time they are back in contact, both people have had the chance to date again. But since it's not realistic to maintain a friendship if you have to wait 2-4 years until I am able to date again, I just have to deal. Which I can do, it's just sad that I am placed in such a situation where I can't date now.

 

There are days where I wish that if Mother was going to eviscerate my manhood like she did, why didn't she just castrate me so that I don't have a sex drive and wouldn't care if I can't date? Why wouldn't she be that humane?

 

Eh, this isn't really about my ex. She's a good person and she deserves this new guy. I just wish I deserved the chance to date too. But I have to keep earning it, day by day, week by week, month by month.

 

People ask sometimes why I need to get away from my family. It's because if I don't get away from them, I truly ought to get castrated because they poison the well in terms of relationships. Why do you think the only LTR I ever had was long distance? If a gf ever met my family, I would be dumped. I take solace in the fact that my ex dumped me due to genuine incompatibility, because even though it's not what ultimately broke us up, my being in Mother's orbit certainly didn't help the relationship. It's just sad because in order to even have a chance to date, I need to leave everyone and everything I know behind.

 

Ugh. I have been recently reading some stories of women who feel like it isn't worth it to try and date as single mothers because they're not wanting to expose their kids to them dating. Trust me, if you don't date, you have emotional needs, and they're not getting met and you're going to rely on your kids to meet those needs even if you don't realize it. I'm not saying you can't take a break from dating for a bit, but do not go their whole childhood without dating. They need relationships modeled for them, but more importantly, they need to not become your surrogate spouse through emotional incest. Look what it's done to me. Don't let this happen to your kids. Don't make them sometimes wish they were castrated so they don't have to disown you.

[Seraphim]

Don't let people use you, to get over you. If we were meant to have an ex in our lives we would still be with them. You can't be friends with ex that you feel something for. That's one way to drive your self-esteem right into the dirt pile. Never try to hang on to someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[christwowheels]

Well, Victoria, it's been over two months that I've had to get over the fact that the relationship is over. I'm over that, and I understand that we aren't compatible and that it was doomed from the beginning. I don't regret trying, but I see that the end couldn't be helped. It is what it is. That being said, I don't think she used me to get over me. If anything, she was the biggest help in getting me over her.

 

What I'm dealing with now is not me wishing I was the one dating her now--it's me wishing I could date other women and find a good match and I can't because I am still in Mother's orbit and need to be hundreds of miles away before dating is feasible. I've got lots of work and saving money and therapy to get through before it's even fair to date, because I can't have it on my conscience to bring an innocent woman into my messed up life as it is now. How do you deal with the fact that you haven't earned the right to date yet, when you know you want to, yet also know that it's fundamentally wrong to do so?

[Seraphim]

I don't think you're as fundamentally doomed as you think you are.