My Two-Wheeled Life

[IAmFCA]

If I may...

 

Accept who you are. So what, you haven't dated. This is an aspect of who you are. It may not be statistically normal, but it is you and it is your path. The sooner you accept it the sooner you will be able to offer yourself to someone else with a sense of glee and adventure.

 

And

 

I think it makes more s3nse to get a car once you get to whee you're going.

[christwowheels]

I really wish things were easier. I mean if her town were similar to mine in terms of accessibility, I wouldn't have to worry about a car just yet. Although really in many ways, lots of women would say that a man has no business dating unless he has an automobile. In fact, back when I was single and surfed the personals, "has a car" is one of the few criteria that were in most women's posts.

 

I never had a car growing up; my mom still never learned how to drive. I never learned either, for several reasons, not the least of which being that I had no one to practice driving with, and largely still don't. I'm going to have to pay a driving instructor. I know a few people who would be willing to help, but they're potheads and I can't risk having "420" in the car when I'm behind the wheel.

 

I was told that I'm possibly just putting up barriers to taking the plunge to move. Maybe. I'm just frustrated because it seems like everyone thinks they know better than me, but it's like, I don't know anyone there except her. Not anyone. That's not an easy road to go on, given that most jobs and apartments are obtained through knowing someone (at least in my experience and that of folks around here).

 

Maybe I can meet people when I visit her. What am I supposed to do though, hand out a business card? I suppose I could try. May as well try to meet some people who maybe will at least consider joining my Facebook network.

 

It's so much easier for people who drink; they can just go to the bar and things kinda flow from there. There aren't many social outlets for people like me...

[Firiel]

If it makes you feel better, I think that the "must have a car for dating" requirement is bull. What would matter to me is reliability and self-sufficiency, and I think that people who put artificial requirements like "has a car" on their dating life are being really silly.

 

As for the move... have you put out many applications there yet? I'm kind of new to your journal, so apologies if I'm beating a dead horse! Do you have a LinkedIn account? I finally got one of those when looking for a job. Who knows if it helps or not, but I hear it's something you are "supposed" to do.

 

Also, I understand your pain as a fairly reserved person who doesn't drink. I have a hard time knowing where to meet friends as well. It was fine when I was in college because I could get to know people in classes. But I'm not sure where adults go to meet people, ya know?

[IAmFCA]

Meeting people is hard, MeetUp and in my pre-parent life, volunteer opportunities worked for me. Now I just miss meeting people and do whatever task I have to do next (or avoid it on ENA!).

 

I think the move has to be evaluated on its own merits. Earlier, I read (I think?) that you were excited to move because of the job opportunities and the lifestyle. Are those things still true?

 

The challenges of meeting new people, learning to drive, finding a job - they will exist no matter where and when you move, no matter the town or the timing. So, to me, it seems like if you are serious about ever leaving your home town, then you will have to confront these challenges no matter what. The sooner you muscle through it, the sooner you grow, open your life up to new experiences, taste the adventure of failure and the surprise of success.

 

On that logic, staying where you are doesn't eliminate these challenges. They ARE barriers. You didn't create them or make them up. They have always been there and they will never go away. You simply will have to hurdle over them, or bruise your legs and walk through them, if you intend to change your lifestyle.

 

If you do not intend to overcome those challenges, then embrace where you are and get on with it. That sounded harsh; I didn't mean that. Its just -- sometimes in life we have to face the tough stuff to get to where we want to be, and that is the act that leads to richness of character, experience, and reward. So, if you know you want to leave, and you know where you want to go, then just go. Every day you wait is a day you haven't gotten to where you want to be.

[christwowheels]

It's weird, it's like I have two parts of my mind that occasionally fight it out. I have the overly-practical, "bean-counter" part that doesn't want me to ever have fun, and I have the emotional, fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants side of me.

 

Months ago, my girlfriend and I still thought that I should move to her city at some point, but probably I should visit a few times first. After the deep and profound sadness that I experienced as I prepared to and eventually left her at the end of my trip, the emotional side took over and said that I ought to simply move over there the next time I went to see her. Romantic, yes, but practical, not so much. Don't get me wrong, the idea appeals to me, but I'm just so worried. Ugh. I hope I can get more comfortable in a trip or two so I can then move without being that scared; yeah there are things I will miss, but at least I won't be fearing the unknown so much because it won't be the unknown.

 

One thing in particular that I need is the ability to get to know her city a bit myself. During the first trip, we spent the entire time together. Now that makes sense and I was for that, but I know that in future trips, I need to take a self-guided tour of the city and find things myself. My plan is to find some places we can later visit together that she has never been to before. She's an amazing woman, but she doesn't like to explore her own city much. We often say that she will be my tour guide as we travel the country and the world, and I'll be her tour guide within the city limits. She had me give her directions on the phone to an appointment yesterday, because she thought it would be more fun than just using her GPS, and she was right. That was really cute.

 

I just have to make sure that the doubting mindset doesn't get the chance to take power over again because I really would be lost without her. What they say about men needing the love of a good woman is true...

 

So anyway, we have kind of made our plans for the next time we will see each other...we do want to spend New Year's Eve together and so once we get her schedule figured out, we will determine exactly what days but we do want New Year's to be a part of it, and I want to spend the rest of my New Years celebrations with her.

 

What else can I tell you all...well, I'll tell you about a bus driver I observed as I rode his bus. He was an older gentleman, and I got to ride in what they call the "peanut seat," which is the first seat behind the front door, opposite the driver. I noticed that every single time that he stopped the bus, whether it was for passenger boarding or drop-off, or a red light, he took a cloth out and started cleaning the dashboard. I even saw at one stop where he had to press a button to print a passenger a transfer, and he pressed the button and went right back to wiping around one of the dials. Obviously he has OCD, although a worse case than I do. He seemed to be a very kind man, and said pleasantries to all the passengers. But it definitely reminded me that other people have perhaps bigger issues in certain areas of their life than I do and maybe I don't have it so bad. That's something I really need to do a better job of keeping in mind as I struggle through issues in life.

[christwowheels]

I write this alone as I wait to fall asleep...

 

Ugh, isn't it sad being alone on a Saturday night? I was always under the impression that Saturday night is the time for lovers and it certainly seemed that the guys I knew who were in relationships always seemed to have something to do on Saturday--as did those who preferred random hookups.

 

Now I have a relationship--thankfully I didn't completely destroy it last week! But I'm still all alone on a Saturday night, not even my gf's voice on a phone line to keep me company.

 

I should clarify, I'm not mad she's not on the phone; I get it, she spends most weekends with her family and I think that's sweet. It just feels sad being alone. Ugh....

 

I just can't believe I nearly lost her this week. I really need to shape up.

 

So today was a fairly boring day. I repaired my bicycle and did some cleaning at home for the first part of the day, and the second part was spent helping move some stuff into my mom's place. The plan had been to install drapes, but someone was able to help drive a load of her stuff over, so instead, I helped unload that and then assembled a "ready to assemble" nightstand. These boxed furniture kits are crazy. I wish we could go back to the time when people made decent money and we could have assembled furniture and not this garbage.

 

Later, I went to the Dollar Tree in her neighborhood. For those of you not familiar, that's the major dollar chain whose items are still all $1. I got a couple snacks and some disinfectant wipes and then went to the checkout, where I noticed that they keep a bunch of items, such as medicines and batteries, behind the counter so you have to ask a staff member for them, because apparently people are stealing them in large quantities. I mean you know your city is ghetto when people are shoplifting from the dollar store so much that they have to guard their stock behind the registers.

 

Do any of you take those surveys that stores give you on your sales receipt? Sometimes I do. I sure hope I get the $1,000 store gift card, but I figure I'm not that lucky. Although I did one time win a $150 speaker system from a radio station, so I am not totally unlucky...and of course I still can call the most wonderful woman I've ever encountered my girlfriend so I guess I am lucky. I'd better get ready to pick up my $1,000 gift card then.

[christwowheels]

Tears are streaming down my cheeks right now. I just found out that she blocked me on Facebook. We weren't even friends on there; her friend list is small and her parents would have found out about me if we befriended each other there and she didn't want her parents to find out about me until I could meet them in person. Which is fine; I get that. But we had been using messenger to share links and such; it's easier for sharing links from FB and longer form messages. But now I can't message her a link I found through there and she must have blocked me. She probably is just trying to protect herself because of last week and what I stupidly did.

 

Oh my god I hope I don't lose her because I'm a moron. Most nights I tell her goodnight but last night I didn't and I think her phone is off this morning. She's probably just enjoying family and I get that, but I'm feeling horrible right now. I left her a message on her machine begging her to let me make this right. I hope she lets me do that. If not, I know I'm screwed. I'll never find another woman half as good as her, everyone knows it. All my friends are shocked I found a girlfriend at all. Oh....I'm so sad. And it's all my fault. I don't know what to do but cry.

[IAmFCA]

My suggestions...

 

Find another channel to communicate like sending links by text

 

Redirect your mind to help you find a more moderate response. Before you play out a rejection/hurt drama in your head, go backwards a few steps and communicate with her. Maybe something like...

 

Hi, I noticed Messenger isn't available anymore. Does texting work well for you?

 

When I first noticed, I was hurt because it feels sad to blocked from a part of your world. But then I remembered it's just fb. If there is something bigger I need to be aware of, please let me know.

 

 

I offer this feedback because I need to use it for myself with my guy. Otherwise, I sometimes end up feeling rejected when nothing actually happened.

[christwowheels]

Yeah, you're probably right. This is why so many of us need ENA, because we need to talk each other down off the cliff so we don't jump. I just wish I would have posted here last week instead of saying the things I said. I need to journal more and let out things and try to get more insight and help. I certainly can't get the level of therapy I need through professionals, I can't afford it!

 

I just know I'm very needy and I need to work on that. Women hate needy. I'm such a girl lol.

[IAmFCA]

Yeah, you're probably right. This is why so many of us need ENA, because we need to talk each other down off the cliff so we don't jump. I just wish I would have posted here last week instead of saying the things I said. I need to journal more and let out things and try to get more insight and help. I certainly can't get the level of therapy I need through professionals, I can't afford it!

 

I just know I'm very needy and I need to work on that. Women hate needy. I'm such a girl lol.

 

Not a girl, every gender can have a needy side.

 

Guys don't like needy either, nobody does. Why? Because when we are needy we are really just dumping our garbage on someone else's lawn, and now they have to clean it up. Forcing ourselves to ask questions before we draw conclusions helps us moderate our response, take responsibility for what we need to know, and stop short of assigning to the other person motivations he or she never had. When I was first trying to practice this it was scary but now it's the key to making my current thing work.

[petite]

Don't beg anyone. No one is wroth you begging. Seriously. I'm sorry but blocking you on facebook for no real reason? It makes no sense. So what if she adds you on there you don't have to declare your love publicly. I have married friends and they don't even have relationship status, their husbands or wives are on there if they have facebook account but quite a few of my friends never post anything on their partners pages. I don't even think you did anything wrong, I think your girlfriend is being quite controlling to be honest and you're just letting it happen. Did you meet on a dating site? Are you sure she is even single? That whole blocking thing makes no sense.

I really think you need to start working on your self-esteem otherwise you will go from having an odd relationship with your mother to a controlling and borderline abuse relationship with a girlfriend.

 

These 'issues' this drama and the crying and all that shouldn't be happening so early on.

[christwowheels]

Well, I mean I did have a meltdown last Wednesday that I think is going to take a long time to get over. But she does have more control over the relationship than I do, which is something she has actually talked about--needing to equalize our relationship.

 

I don't believe for a second that she is cheating on me; she doesn't have time. Work schedule and then we do communicate fairly frequently. Although she does control when and how we communicate. We talk on the phone when she calls; when I call, it almost invariably goes to voice mail because she leaves her ringer off most of the time, mainly because she forgets to turn it on after work. Is that bad? Should I be initiating more of the phone calls? How do you equalize a relationship? How do I assert myself without starting a male rapist dynamic?

[petite]

In my humble opinion each person in a romantic partnership needs to be equal. Sure that can go up or down at times but it just seems like you're so subservient and she controls the lot.

 

I think if it were me I would be very ticked off (and rightfully so) if my husbands phone went to voicemail every time I called yet I pick up his calls. She can learn to turn her ringer off she can set an alarm for 20-30 min after work to remind her to turn the ringer on (phone alarms ring even when phone is on silent).

She has way too much control. That's not good. It also isn't good that you as her boyfriend can't call her whenever on the weekend just because she is with family. As can excuse herself for a few minutes to take your call.

 

You are saying she is too good for you, you can't find anyone better - you're placing her on way too high a pedestal. Which wouldn't be a huge problem in and of itself if you weren't lacking in self confidence. But you're beating yourself up over small things and giving her too much power.

 

Look she is unfair. She was pissed off that you were helping your mother or busy with her. Yet she doesn't want you on her Facebook, BLOCKS YOU, and control how and when you have contact. That's such a double standard if ever I saw one.

 

Now read that until it sinks in. She has the power. You do not. You deserve someone that wants you as an equal not to dominate the relationship.

It's too soon and too early. If this continues with how she is towards you it will always be like that. Always.

 

There is a saying I read it in a book but I've seen it online and here on ENA too "he who cares least controls the relationship". You care more. That's just clear by you begging.

There is life without her. There can be life with her. But if you allow it to just continue like it has then you will be a doormat.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cheetarah]

You had an insecure, overwhelmed moment. In that moment you were not able to be in touch with your logical side therefore you spoke the jumbled ideas in your head. You later on recognized that you did not speak on behalf of your actual feelings but rather from a stressed and wired perspective. I recommend in the future(and I spent YEARS practicing and 'perfecting' this as it was very common for me to just spit out whatever, whenever, without giving real thought to how it actually sounded. I just needed it out of my head and I thought that since it made sense in my head, it would make sense to everyone else in the same way - Yeah, not so!), you allot for pause. You need to be able to regulate your emotions. You will not always be able to control the sorts of feelings that come up, but you CAN control what you do with them and how you handle them. Just like you say you impulsively acted upon your emotions with the idea of moving by the New Year. The thought of being away from her was a painful thought therefore you made an emotional decision without considering the realities of everything. And then learned, your emotions did not match up with them.

 

The wisest decisions we make are those from a blend of heart, soul and head. Where all 3 talk to each other and 'consult'.

 

You didn't kill someone's puppies. You had some affect regulation issues and you're having them now, too. Do you have serious abandonment issues? I'm not saying this in an accusatory way where I am talking down to you, because I struggled for years with them and you're looking a lot the way I used to look.

 

How do I assert myself without starting a male rapist dynamic?

 

What! Oh, Chris. It's not that black and white. It's not either subservient and submissive or male rapist dynamic. I appreciate your issues are really weighing heavily on your ideas about that, where you WOULD see it in black and white that way. I can't begin to tell you how to work through that because there are so many layers to our dysfunctional and ingrained thoughts...And it is very individual and dependent on your past and the beliefs you carry with you.

 

But there is a middle ground to be had, and I think it's going to take you quite some time to discover it. I don't say this in a discouraging manner, just speaking realistically.

 

The path you're on now(from what I can see), you're walking right into the creation of another unhealthy dynamic.

 

You have some serious cognitive distortions going on right now. You are NOT a worthless POS that no one else can understand, your girlfriend does not belong on a pedestal, no one does. She is a fallible human being just as I am, as you are, as every last person on this planet is. You CAN exist and live without her. You did for 30 years. Your life will not be over if the relationship ended.

[IAmFCA]

Cheet, a perfect post.

 

CTW, two people. Teamwork. Appreciation, kindness, understanding. The rest is icing. If you mirrored her strict boundaries, just to practice having some, it might feel petty. OTOH, it might also allow you to compartmentalize some, and see that it's okay.

 

Think of people being ateacher by an elastic instead of a string. The elastic bends, stretches. The string is a fixed distance, slack when too close and broken when too far- that is an impractical and unforgiving model.

 

Forgive yourself for being so focused on her, you also are on an end of the elastic and can use the benefit of its stretchy properties. Forgive her for being less available. Just accept that about each of you and keep following your path.

 

If every act someone makes is at risk of being a symbol of one's affection, then life becomes heavy indeed. No relationship can survive under that weight.

 

Just acceprt. Trust in your path, and know that your future will unfold for you when you get there, and never a minute sooner.

 

It might help to focus on things for which you are grateful, which tends to put the future in perspective.

 

Every relationship is best when comprised of two people who remain responsible to themselves first. That way, you can choose how to compromise without undermining yourself.

 

Be responsible for what you need and speak it. That is step 1.

 

Let her state her limitations. That is Step 2.

 

Then decide what you can accept or if a third option needs to be created.

 

Can't review and edit, apologies iF repetitive as it is likely to be.

[christwowheels]

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately but things are beginning to take a turn for the better.

 

I should probably update you all on a couple of the things I journaled about earlier. I do believe my flip-out last Wednesday still hurts both me and my girlfriend so I need to keep working on repairing that as well as getting the emotional tools to remain calmer.

 

As for the thing with Facebook, it was just her trying to keep from having a notification interrupt her new game on her iPad. Well, that and the fact that I had legitimately been stressing her out lately and she needed some time alone. I get that. She has another day off today and she is making herself scarce again today too. It's probably my fault for being so erratic and I need to repair that.

 

I don't really think I'm "subservient," but I do know I'm the more emotional one and so I need to keep some of that in check because I know nobody wants an overly emotional guy.

 

I know a lot of my worrying stems from anxiety about moving to her city. What's funny is that when I think about it rationally, aside from needing to learn street names and make a few friends, there isn't much difference between her area and mine. Similar climate, same language, same country. Just a good distance from my mother and some not-so-good friends I have here. Even if I wasn't with her, I probably should go, so why shouldn't I just get going, I asked myself. And I don't have a good response as to why I shouldn't.

 

I've been reading a lot about people who make dramatic changes or take risks. Much of that reading is to see what their reaction was to their success or failure. What I've found is that people don't seem to lie on their death bed and regret the chances they took, they instead regret the things they didn't do. Even people for whom things didn't go so well in the end. One group of people I for some reason am a little fascinated by is retired football players. It's funny because I don't really watch football much, although I occasionally will skim a game recap in the sports section to appear knowledgeable in a common male small-talk subject. Anyway, it's weird because they almost all have severe physical pain due to their injuries sustained while playing, but 90% or so don't regret having played. They wanted adventure and they got it, and now they paid the price, but at least they got the adventure.

 

Now I'm not that adventurous, but I do want more adventure, more travel and a chance at happiness. I guess I just need to man up and take the plunge. I really hope it works out.

 

But I need to get moving sooner rather than later, because as I've been told, I can't make her wait too terribly long because it won't give her anything to hold onto. And that's true, it's not fair for either of us to have to endure a whole season without being able to see each other regularly and live like a normal dating couple. I mean I can't help but worry that her recent days where she's needed a lot more space are her having to wonder whether she needs to emotionally distance herself. I don't want her to have to do that. I don't know how I could consider not moving there ASAP with how much I miss her after just a day of not talking.

 

Moreover, the longer I wait, the longer it takes me to get into college and get a degree. I think with a little encouragement, I can do this...

[Cheetarah]

I don't know why you get that. You get the concept of needing space - Sure - As do I. But blocking your significant other, who is supposed to be one of the most important persons in your life, as though they are a piece of spam mail is not how you do it. Wanting or needing space is certainly a valid need in a relationship. So is respect, and with respect comes communication. And that was disrespectful.

 

And if she is pulling away is taking the plunge sooner rather than later even a wise idea?

[IAmFCA]

First:

Think of failure as steps that happen on the way to success. Here is my favorite quote: "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

 

Second:

I don't really think I'm "subservient," but I do know I'm the more emotional one and so I need to keep some of that in check because I know nobody wants an overly emotional guy.

 

Both of you are emotional. She is blocking, retreating, withdrawing - those also are acts of emotion, more like masking emotion or avoiding emotion, but still, emotion. In a sense, you are equally matched - she avoiding showing emotion and you are freely showing emotion. In truth, neither one of you is level-headed. You both keep flipping the switch on and off, and I think you will both benefit from some introspection and skill building about how to regulate your reactions to finding a middle ground.

 

My sense is, both of you are experiencing emotions that originate from a fear of abandonment/fear of failure/fear of rejection. From fear. that fear makes sense: there was an intense connection quickly, if I understand correctly. That can be destabilizing. When there is fear, it usually means, take a step back.

 

Research attachment styles, this might be an avoidance / anxious attachment pattern developing and you may be able to redirect it.

 

Third: Move. Not because of this relationship. Go, and experience this relationship. It may work, it may be the avenue each of you needs to discover new ways to make a new, better relationship next time around. It may work brilliantly. Nobody knows, and you will both have to take the relationship moment by moment.

 

Nobody knows the future. At present, you each are compelling enough to one another to raise up fears of losing one another. So, step back until you can manage the fear more responsibly, and acknowledge that if you value each other enough to fear rejection by the other, then there is something there worth exploring.

 

Move anyway. Why? Because you are afraid of doing it. And because you said this:

 

when I think about it rationally, aside from needing to learn street names and make a few friends, there isn't much difference between her area and mine. Similar climate, same language, same country. Just a good distance from my mother and some not-so-good friends I have here. Even if I wasn't with her, I probably should go, so why shouldn't I just get going, I asked myself. And I don't have a good response as to why I shouldn't.

 

With regard to the relationship: Do not accept this characterization I am the more emotional one. No - you have different ways of showing emotion, both of which are more reactive then forward-thinking. Next time anyone wants to cry or withdraw, stop first and think: what is the more moderated response? Can I simply text him and say, Hey, I need to be offline for a while, please don't text, message or email because it might interrupt something I am doing. Or can I simply say: Wow, I have never felt this before. Wonderful!

 

And then keep going into the next moment. Moment by moment. Let the future show itself in its due time.

[christwowheels]

Honestly I'm pretty pissed right now. Not sure why this makes me so angry but it does. So tonight, me and my girlfriend were having a good conversation and then she abruptly ended it, "I'll call you back in a minute." Now normally that means that she is going to take another call. Which is fine but I'll get to a point on that shortly.

 

So she didn't call back, which only really annoys me to the point of, if she figured she would not actually call back right away, could she at least have let me say goodnight? I mean when I have to take a call during our conversation, I'm always pretty clear of why and how long I'll be, and if we can't talk for some time I'll be like, yeah, I love you, Have a good night.

 

Anyway, a few hours later, I was going to go see my mother, a stressful thing, and I wanted a pick me up, so I called her. Voice mail. Half an hour later, when I was a few houses down from mom and just wanted a minute to say I love you, voice mail.

 

I just don't understand why every time anyone else calls when I'm on the line, she answers, but when I call, voice mail. I let other callers go to voice mail at least 75% of the time because I want to talk to her instead.

 

I just feel really unimportant right now, like I can't reach out to her, and I don't know why she can't at least make an effort to have her phone ringer on after work and take my call at least sometimes.

 

It also makes me feel bad that she feels she can't tell her family about me. She says I need to be living there and enrolled in college before they know about me. I mean that hurts. I do want to do those things but it's like she's ashamed of me. My mom knows about her and mom doesn't like the idea of me dating at all. I just feel really bad right now.

 

I really wish I had relationship experience before this one, maybe I would know what to do. Parents, if you never let your kids date, they might end up like me, 31 and clueless. Please don't do that to them.

[petite]

Your girlfriend is selfish and she doesn't appreciate you.

 

Dump her. That's the only way you will gain any sort of respect.

 

She doesn't respect you. That much is clear.

 

Do you really want to be with someone that is so controlling?

I fear that once you move it will only get worse and you will sink into deep depression.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[IAmFCA]

CTW,

 

I don't understand this pattern that has developed but it is not supportive of a relationship.

 

Her behavior is not about you. It is about her.

 

You are right to wonder if you want someone who is not there for you.

 

Have you asked her about this?

[christwowheels]

I don't want to lose her...I really love her and she has a lot of good qualities. She can be very understanding, but she also does sometimes get a little selfish.

 

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with either and I know I've made mistakes in this. I just wish that she would give this relationship a little more effort. I'm really giving it everything I have.

 

What's fun is that when I met her I had a preconceived notion that age difference relationships weren't workable and as it turns out, age isn't something that either of us even thinks about...it's other differences that are issues. I mean honestly the fact that she comes from a solidly middle class family that could afford to make sure she never wanted for anything she needed and I came from a single parent household that spent time on welfare and food stamps is a bigger bridge to span over than the fact that she's a bit younger. We had kind of a weird talk the other day where she was talking about how she doesn't understand why I never got a driver's license yet and it's like, well, I didn't have parents that had a car I could use. She did. I mean, my mom still doesn't know how to drive, and she never will. It's hard being poor and dating someone who didn't grow up poor. It's not an insurmountable difference, but it is there. It's funny, she thought I would think of her differently when I found out her parents had a decent amount of money and I don't, but sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'm just so ghetto. I don't know. I'm probably overthinking things.

 

Ultimately, I need to work on sticking up for myself and she needs to work on being less dominant and I told her about the issue with the phone calls and I referred her to this journal and we will see what happens. I want this to work but I don't want a situation where she never answers the phone when I need just a little talk.

[Cheetarah]

Even if you had been allowed the freedom to date...With the dynamic with your mother, it's highly likely you would have subconsciously sought out similar(or maybe not...But often enough, in toxic environments that tends to happen, and then we learn as we go along...if we are fortunate enough to possess the self awareness).

 

This is not a matter of even dating experience but a grasp on respect and boundaries. It's actually quite good that you're upset about it, because it shows that you have a grasp on what is ok treatment and what is not. Judging from the previous things you said, not a firm enough grasp but a little hold on, regardless.

 

You're not being treated with respect. Period.

[IAmFCA]

Ultimately, I need to work on sticking up for myself and she needs to work on being less dominant

 

I urge you to find different language. The language of dominance and submission suggests a power struggle between you. It puts you in a win /lose competition with your partner. Try thinking about your needs and she might meet them.

[ballerinababe]

Hi Chris,

I just read your complete journal. I was struck by some similarities we have -- we're the same age, we don't drink, we don't drive but instead bike everywhere, we live in the midwest, and we were raised by single moms with whom we are quite close. You had asked about adults learning to drive. I don't have a driver's license but last summer took private driving lessons. I didn't continue with the lessons because after a few it just re-instilled in me how much I didn't want to get a license. I am in a situation where I don't need to drive, but if you are moving to a city where a car is required (which sounds horrible, but that's another issue altogether), it is definitely worth the money to get some private lessons. I've had acquaintances "teach" me how to drive and it paled into comparison to having a professional driving instructor.

 

As for this girlfriend, it sounds like she is feeling suffocated and/or overwhelmed by your adoration of her, and the way she is reacting to those feelings is extremely immature and selfish. I agree with petite's advice regarding this girl. You feel you're not experienced in relationships but this girl sounds like she is very young and immature in other ways that do not complement you well at all. I think your insecurities and lack of experience is causing you to cling to a unhealthy, doomed relationship.